For Your Considerationâ€¦The RAW Judicial Review for 9/26/11
Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive, Hell in a Cell adjective heavy column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. Iâ€™m your host Andrew Wheeler, and to the surprise and bewilderment of many, there really is another WWE PPV coming your way. Since the WWE doesnâ€™t believe in slowly building up the tension, Iâ€™m not going to waste any time and get right down to it. Soâ€¦
The RAW Judicial Review for 9/26/11
â€œYessir we promised you a great main event tonight.â€
I have no fear, no doubt, all in, balls out as I sit and wonder how Nickelback hasnâ€™t won countless Grammy awards. Oh right, because they sound like animals being slowly tortured. On the plus side, no auto-tune.
The show wastes no time as Triple H comes out in yet another snazzy Vince-esque suit. Itâ€™s astonishing they havenâ€™t tried to market those somewhere. Hunter talks about the completely legitimate and not at all storyline firing of The Miz and Resurrection-Truth, complete with a video package. Obviously. Donâ€™t you remember the heartfelt video tribute to David Hart Smith when he too was fired?
We get footage of The Miz and Resurrection-Truth from Night of Champions where they apparently tried to make their own wacky version of â€œThe Blair Witch Projectâ€. The long and the short of it is that they have a list of peopleâ€¦like LOST. Theyâ€™re hunting down the people on this listâ€¦like LOST. They ramble incoherently for a while without really getting to the pointâ€¦like LOST. Anyway, they attacked a ref and then went to Hunter the next night to apologize, complete with soothing piano music. Man, thereâ€™s something you donâ€™t see in a WWE video package every day. In the end, they are â€œfiredâ€.
Hunter says that he intended to fire them all along, but he wanted one more match out of them before he did it. So wait, is he supposed to be Vince Jr. or Bischoff Jr.? Either way, they are so totally super gone forever and because Hunter needs to fine one person a week $250,000 to make up for the sagging PPV buyrates, he decides to fine Mark Henry for killing Lawler last week. Mark Henryâ€™s the champion of the world, he wonâ€™t sweat losing moneyâ€¦which makes this the first thing he wonâ€™t sweat over.
Dolph Ziggler and Vicke come out, and for some reason ZIggler is dressed like every 80â€™s coked up douchebag. He capitalizes on his Wolver-heat by saying that he has a hairline fracture and canâ€™t compete. Cody Rhodes came out and makes a legitimate point that Hunter fined Henry for attacking Lawler but Randy Orton wasnâ€™t fined for cracking Codyâ€™s head open. Triple H, the continuity fiend that he is, reminds us of the time when Orton basically date-raped Stephanie and said that Cody should just go kick his ass. Remember kids, violence solves everythingâ€¦except bullying. That can be solved by watching PSAs. Christian then comes out to say that Dolph and Cody should join him in his quest to sue the WWE, but then sells them up the riverâ€¦or down the river depending on your geographical locationâ€¦for one more match. Either he wants a title shot or he canâ€™t quit smoking.
Hunter gets cutesy (because this is wacky Hunter, not serious Hunter) and he says Christian can have one more match against Sheamus on PPV, one more match against Orton on Smackdown and one more match against Cena on RAW. What does Christian and the Miami Dolphins have in common? Theyâ€™re both probably gonna wind up 0 and 3. Oh yeah, and Ziggler has to face Zack Ryder for fear of the Internet coming to life and killing us all like in The Matrix.
Cody gets the night off because he is legitimately hurt and making him compete would probably violate some laws, so of course Hunter books him to take on nine guys. And hereâ€™s where you can make your requisite Kelly Kelly joke.
Intercontinental Battle Royal: Justin Gabriel, The Mizfit, Sin Cara I, Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson, John Slo-Mo-Rrison, Teddy DiBiase, Drew McIntyre, Sheamus and Cody Rhodes
Before I can even marvel at the fact that Drew is still on TV, heâ€™s eliminated. Donâ€™t feel bad for him, as he probably has had sex with his ex-wife Tiffany, which should make up for such a poor performance here. The less said about this battle royal the better, which is why I will elaborate a lot.
We had the wacky two Sin Caras make their appearances, which should all but ensure that the heat Sin Cara was generating from the fans is dead and buried. Daniel Bryan and John Morrison both got flung out of the ring at the same time by Ezekiel Jackson, ensuring weâ€™ll never view them as legitimate threats. In the end, it was DiBiase, Jackson, Sheamus and Rhodes. Teddy decided to ignore basic face-heel logic and attack Jackson, even though Iâ€™m like 60% sure DiBiase is now a face. Anyway, Cody just shoves him like an old lady bumping you at the supermarket and he gets eliminated. Jackson and Sheamus have that fake Kane/Big Show staredown before Sheamus beats the crap out of him. Remember when Ezekiel Jackson had all that promise? Yeah, me neither. In the end, Christian interferes and Sheamus does his damnedest to eliminate himself in some of the most awkward histrionics Iâ€™ve ever seen in a battle royal.
On a side note, wouldnâ€™t Christian WANT Sheamus to win so that Christian can win the title at the PPV? Ugh, I gotta stop with the logic.
We relive Mark Henry killing Jerry Lawler. Didnâ€™t I already see this feud in 1996?
David Otunga is talking with Super Johnny Ace about how Hunter is doing such a bad job. Surprisingly, he doesnâ€™t cite the falling ratings as a reason, which is surprising since heâ€™s a lawyer. Oh yeah, and now he wears a bowtie. All heâ€™s missing is a top hat, a lizard and some starburns and heâ€™d be on his way.
Kelly Kelly & Eve Eve v. The Divas of Destruction
Thereâ€™s a Kelly Kelly video package before this, which ensures sheâ€™s getting her ass kicked. Sure enough, Beth finally hits the Glamslam for the pin. Oh, you wanted more details about this match? Picture every Diva match ever and then edit out the parts that normally feature twin magic and youâ€™re set.
Mark Henry then appears like a lunar eclipse as he heads to the ring. For about a half a second I thought he was going to come out and pancake Kelly, but then I realized this is TV-PG and instead she magically disappeared like a vanquished NES video game villain.
Mark Henry v. The Great Khaliâ€¦no, seriously
By the time Henry makes it to the ring, they need to take aâ€¦.
Khaliâ€™s entrance takes longer than the rest of the segment, as heâ€™s hit in the back of the head with the title and takes a Worldâ€™s Strongest Slam. On the plus side, he did get to do his one effective move of offense, raising his hands in the air and yelling. Sadly, Henry doesnâ€™t Pilmanize Khali, which means heâ€™ll be back on Smackdown being all wacky.
John Cena comes out and cuts a horribly cookie-cutter Hell in a Cell promo. This was the first time in a while where it seemed like the entire crowd turned on him, which canâ€™t be a great sign. Cena puts over the Hell in a Cell poster for featuring his head, which looks like itâ€™s coming out of a flaming vagina. And here is the problem with this latest John Cena title run. They rushed the belt off of Del Rio because the ratings were sagging, even though theyâ€™ve harped on the fact that titles mean nothing. Now, John has 10 title runs, and is actually inching closer to the should-be-unattainable 16-time world title benchmark of Ric Flair. The fans arenâ€™t complete fools and they see through this as even more of the same old nonsense. Worse, Cena has to keep the belt until Mania, because Rock/Cena is pretty much a lock as a title match. If John loses it between now and then, heâ€™d have to hit 11 times, which doesnâ€™t give the company much leeway in terms of preserving Ricâ€™s record even a little bit longer.
Del Rio comes out because apparently he is doing commentary. That seems like a lot of work for him, since he seems to also be doing all of those Dominos Pizza commercials as well. Punk and his COMMENTARY JACKET come out as well, but sadly he isnâ€™t wearing his â€œI Jewish Star Coltâ€ t-shirt. By the way, happy and healthy New Year to all of my fellow he-bros.
John Cena v. Christian
Christian gets some token offense but then succumbs to the Five Moves of Mediocrity. They wind up outside where Del Rio decides to use this opportunity to sucker-punch Punk. Sadly he didnâ€™t also attack Booker T and Michael Cole, which would have saved us from more unintelligible commentary. A quick note on Del Rio: if you know he isnâ€™t great on commentary and unless heâ€™s talking in sound bites sounds like a complete moron, donâ€™t let him do commentary. CM Punk was dominating so much that youâ€™d swear this was like watching an uneven game of dodgeball. In the ring, Cena goes for the FU but Del Rio runs in and hits his running enziguri for the DQ. Hey, Christianâ€™s 1 and 0. Good for him.
US Title Match: Zack Ryder v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie the Cheetah Girl & Kurt SwAngle
We get another spirited little Ryder/Ziggler match until Vickie hops onto the apron to distract the ref so SwAngle can interfere and cost Zack the match. The two of them pounce on Ryder, but then thereâ€™s the worst pyro explosion of all time, which means itâ€™s time for Nerf AirBoom to the rescue. BUT WAITâ€¦here comes Teddy Long. He makes a six-man tag for right after the commercial.
Nerf AirBoom & Zack Ryder v. Swangle, Ziggler andâ€¦?
It starts out three-on-two, but because Bourne is small, he winds up taking a beating anyway. Eventually Mason Ryan steroids his way to the ring. Iâ€™m sorry, I mean makes his way to the ring. He doesnâ€™t at all look like a sweet potato gone horribly wrong. Mason gets tagged inâ€¦and turns on the heels. This allows Zack Ryder to get the win over Ziggler as everyone tries to comprehend what they just saw.
So let me see if I have this straight: Mason Ryan, the guy who canâ€™t really work and is injury prone, is a babyface. He could have been put with two guys who know how to work and could carry him, plus a mouthpiece in Vickie who could do his talking for him, but instead the WWE turned him face. Mason Ryan. Face. Now, because of his size, heâ€™s going to take the spot that could have gone to John Morrison or even Mizfit. Why? Because heâ€™s a great wrestler and not because heâ€™s a bodybuilder satisfying Triple Hâ€™s bizarre fetish.
David â€œClarence Masonâ€ Otunga is with Ziggler, Vickie, Cody and Christian talking about OSHA and lawsuits. Yeah, because those meetings worked out so well for guys in the 80s. Hey, at least theyâ€™re doing something with Otunga that doesnâ€™t involve him having to wrestle. On the other hand, this whole anti-leader heel movement has been done to death, with the only successful guy to pull it off being Chris Jericho. And this may come as a shock to you, but David Otunga is no Chris Jericho.
CM Punk v. JBLatino w/ Ricardo Rodriguez and his ass-eyes
Punk and Del Rio have a nice main event match, if a little plodding. They go outside and Punk hurls Alberto in guest commentator John Cenaâ€™s general direction (salute) to further plant those seeds of doubt. Or something. They go back in the ring and Del Rio works the arm for a while, even hitting what can pretty much now be called an Arm Stunner. Punk tries his fan-friendly running bulldog, but Alberto counters only to get kicked in the head and pinned. Well, that wasâ€¦surprising.
Cena runs towards the ring and the Hell in a Cell lowers on top of them all. Punk and Cena try to double-team the helpless Rodriguez because theyâ€™re faces and heâ€™s wearing a tuxâ€¦so by Marx Brothers law he deserves to die. Alberto pops up out of nowhere to attack them both with a chair so he can regain what little heat he has left after winning the title in a fluke, vanishing from TV for weeks, losing his title defense and then losing to Punk in the build-up to the PPV.
In the end, we all know how Hell in a Cell is going to work out. Cena canâ€™t drop the title because he needs it for the Road to Wrestlemania (or else they charge him for tolls). This means that in some way, shape or form Miz and Truth are going to interfere but Cena is still going to overcome every obstacle and retain. Thatâ€™ll be $59.99 please.
This has been for your consideration.