Hey, I’m your host for today, Ivan Rushfield. Johnny Rosado is on his way to throw the one true ring into the gaping, fiery maw of Mount Doom in the dark land of Mordor. Or he’s just otherwise detained, so you get me.
Tonight…MUPPETS! Oh, and J.R. will be here, and whether or not he replaces Michael Cole tonight will be the key to whether Raw tonight is fantastic or just simply great. When the Muppets are involved, it’s not going to be anything less than “simply great,” and I won’t hear any arguments otherwise.
The show opens to a live crowd and Michael Cole welcoming us, and The Rock! Is! On video! Bummer. Man, his goatee has some grey in it; man isn’t getting any younger, but he’s still absolutely ripped. He starts cutting a promo about how they’re so incredibly different, and how they each represent a generation, and how his answer to Cena is…no. Huh…anyway, he says that he can’t reach out to John Cena unless he’s slapping the skin off his face, and that he won’t team up with “the fruit loop troop.” That’s pretty good.
But then, he started thinking about all the tweets coming his way asking him to do it, and the main reason that hooked him was that everyone really hates Miz and R-Truth, and that people really wanted to see them get the stuffing kicked out of them (my words), and for THAT…The Rock will team up with John Cena. Well, duh; this has been advertised for months. Anyway, he knows Cena is happy, and all of his little kid fans are excited about it, screaming, “Thank you, Wocky! Thank you, Wocky!” But the main reason Rock is doing this is that he WANTS Cena to win this, to know that he’s so close to the most electrifying man in the world, watching what he does best (answer: kicking ass), so that he can give Cena a taste of what he’ll be getting at Wrestlemania. Cena will watch how a “real man” gets it done, and then drops a bunch of catchphrases. Never before, never again, if you smell what the Rock is cooking.
The music plays, the people cheer. Tonight, we get Cena vs. The Miz, a Wrestlemania rematch. Speaking of Wrestlemania, tickets go on sale this Thursday, kiddies.
Hey, it’s CM Punk! And he’s wearing a weird shirt that seems to be getting blurred out a bit (or it could just be the shirt). I don’t quite know what’s on it…some character, hard to describe. Oh, and it’s Mark Henry, who is strong and and a champion and what not. We also get a view of a platform on the stage which is where, I’m guessing, some Muppets will be appearing at some point. Enough setup, let’s get to some delightful Muppetry.
They replay the ring collapsing from Vengeance, just so we know what happened and how big he is. Before the match can start, John Laurinitus comes out, introduces himself as always, and says that CM Punk will get a match with Del Rio for the world title if he can beat Mark Henry. I’m smelling a DQ or count out.
Match One: CM Punk vs. Mark Henry
Punk strikes at him, but after jumping on Henry’s back, gets powerslammed. Henry covers, and Punk kicks out at two. Punk returns with some nice kicks and an elbow, but Henry just tosses him through the ropes to the apron. Punk comes back with a kick to Henry’s head and a springboard clothesline. He follows this with a Randy Savage elbow, and Henry kicks out at two. Del Rio and Rodriguez are at ringside, but Del Rio throws Rodriguez into the ring and has him attack Henry with a shoe, meaning that Punk gets disqualified. Whomp whomp.
Winner: Mark Henry via DQ
Post-match, Punk is understandably upset, and throws Rodriguez into the ring, and the announcer is promptly World’s Strongest Slammed by Mark Henry. Punk chases Del Rio to the back, and Henry, after getting his title, steps on Rodriguez on his way out of the ring.
Michael Cole pimps the Michael Cole Challenge, and how if he loses, he quits, but that we shouldn’t worry about THAT happening. But more importantly, the Muppets are next!
COMMERCIALS
I’ve been informed that CM Punk is wearing a Big Trouble in Little China shirt. Is he dressing as Kurt Russell for Halloween?
In two weeks, there’ll be a 3-hour Raw featuring The Rock. Set your DVRs, kids.
We’re back, and Justin Roberts introduces Kermit the Frog and Miss Puppy, and they pop up from beneath the stage, as is expected. Miss Piggy refers to herself as the original diva, and Vickie and Jack Swagger introduce them. Swagger threatens Kermit, even saying “Wokka wokka wokka”, and Piggy tells him to bug off, calling him Frankenstein. Kermit: “Listen, Mr. Swagger, we don’t want any trouble from you or your mother.” Awesome. Piggy and Vickie have an “Excuse me!” off, and Santino is out. Did we need him for this? It was pretty great already.
Santino comes out to inform them that everyone is excused, and that John Laryngitis (his words) said that Swagger now has a match with him. Swagger, while holding Kermit’s mouth shut, says that he’ll have Ziggler in his corner, but Santino informs him that Ziggler has a match tonight against Zack Ryder. Kermit: “Whoa whoa whoa!” Piggy: “You know it!” And now Kelly Kelly comes out. Piggy: “Is she a cowboy or a pirate?” She gives Kermit a HUGE kiss, and Piggy is none too pleased. They both ask her to come back, but for totally different reasons. Kermit is visibly shaken as Kelly walks down to the ring, and I was right: Muppets make EVERYTHING better, and this was great.
COMMERCIALS
Match Two: Diva Costume Battle Royal
Okay, so the match is irrelevant, but whoever wins this gets to wrestle Beth Phoenix for the Divas title. I’ll do my best to name all the costumes: The Bellas are the Mario Brothers, Rosa Mendes is a cavewoman, Aksana is Morticia Adams, AJ is Kitana from Mortal Kombat, Eve is Robin (of Batman fame), Kaitlyn is…I don’t know, but Lawler says Dog the Bounty Hunter. Kelly Kelly is a pirate or something, Alicia Foxx is a sailor, Natalya is the Queen of Hearts, and Beth Phoenix is the Queen of the Ring, and is on commentary. As I wrote that, everyone was eliminated except Alicia, Kelly, and Natalya. Natalya eliminates Alicia and Kelly, and Eve eliminates Natalya to win the battle royal. Natalya and Beth enter the ring to beat up Eve, but Eve, Kelly, and Alicia join forces and basically intimidate the Divas of Doom out of the ring.
Winner: Eve
My wife, a huge a Muppet fan in her own right, asks how they isn’t a “Smell What the Rock is Cooking” cooking segment with Swedish Chef. I’m disappointed as well. She also wants to see Animal in a “Broski” headband, and the night is yet young, so one never knows.
Backstage with Bunson Honeydew and his assistant, Beaker! C’mon, Sheamus! They’ve created a new energy drink to provide greater strength, agility, and fresher smelling breath. Beaker needs to get it to Santino, stat! Beaker goes to give it to him, but runs into Christian in the hallway, who dumps the stuff on the ground, calls Beaker a nerd, and pushes his head down. Sheamus, however, is right behind Christian, and scares him away. YES! Sheamus tells Beaker that he can’t make the family reunion this year, thus confirming what we know all along. He even styles Beaker’s hair, and this is absolutely fantastic for a Muppets/Wrestling nerd like me.
Air Boom is out, and they’re in action next against Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett.
COMMERCIALS
Match Three: Air Boom vs. Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett
Man, does Cody look cut. Just…wow. Cody and Evan wrestle for a spell, then Cody and Kofi wrestle for a spell, as tag teams do. Kofi goes to the apron and kicks an attacking Barrett, but as he tries a springboard something or other, Cody trips him up and gets two. Barrett tagged in, and gets a Bossman slam for two. Stump puller, I think, by Barrett, but Kofi fights out of it only to get a bunch of hard punches from the Brit. Tag to Cody, who takes Kofi to the corner and pounds on him, then puts Kofi in a stretch. Kofi breaks out and runs for Bourne, but gets tripped by Cody and dragged back to the heel corner. Barrett beats on him, and Cody chokes him when the ref’s back is turned. Cody tries to hip toss Kofi, but Kofi reverses it into a pretty awesome monkey flip. Bourne tagged in, and he cleans house for a bit. He goes for a hurricanrana on Barrett, but Barrett reverses into a fireman’s carry, but Wasteland is reversed into a DDT for two. Cody breaks up the count, and Kofi attacks him, but gets tossed to the outside. Bourne goes for the shooting star on Sheamus, but gets tripped up by Rhodes, which gives Barrett the chance to take him off the top, Wasteland the guy, and pin him. Man, the champions have lost two in a row.
Winners: Cody Rhodes and Wade Barrett
Christian comes out for no reason and starts beating on Kofi. The heels join him in the beatdown, but then Sheamus comes out and kicks the butts of all the heels. Umm…alright, then.
Statler and Waldorf are in the balcony! YES! Statler does the “What?” thing with Waldorf, and hopefully we’ll see them again.
CM Punk interrupts John Laurinitus backstage, who is texting. Punk asks him what he has to do to get a title match now, whether it be carry his bags, get him some chapstick, etc. He rips into him awhile longer, but Laurinitus gives him the match anyway. Punk is confused, but takes it, saying it seems fair enough.
Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show next.
COMMERCIALS
Brodus Clay promo. He is, indeed, big. He’s the beginning. He’s the end. And he’s on Raw next week. Maybe he’ll make as big an impact as Johnny Curtis did his first time on Smackdown.
Match Four: Alberto Del Rio vs. Big Show
Show charges and misses, so Del Rio gets a few strikes in. That doesn’t last long, though, as Show throws him into the corner and hits him a few times. Del Rio tries to escape, but just ends up getting chopped in the opposite corner. They strike back and forth, which obviously works a lot better for Show than Del Rio, who takes a shot to the gut against the ropes. Show puts his head down after an Irish whip, but Del Rio kicks him. That’s no-sold by Show, who clotheslines him, then gives him a vertical suplex. Show beats on him for awhile longer until Del Rio gets the legs up on a Big Show charge to the corner. Del Rio tries for a sleeper hold, which seems to be working, at least for a minute or so. After a bit of a rest, Show gets up, lifting Del Rio up with him, and slams the champion off of his back. Del Rio is on the outside recuperating while Show recovers inside the ring. Show follows Del Rio and charges him while he’s against the barrier. Del Rio tries to get them counted out, but Show breaks the count and beats him up some more. He misses a charge against the barrier, and Del Rio comes back with an enziguri. He gets Show back into the ring and starts kicking Show in the head, which is one way to do it, and finishes with a stomp. He covers, but Show powers out at two. Del Rio goes to pick him up, but Show tries to stop him from going to a sleeper, so Del Rio goes for a front choke, then goes around him for a chinlock, which Show counters by lifting him and dropping him on his back. Man, this thing is going on for awhile.
The ref begins to count them both, but they’re up, and start exchanging strikes to the head, which Del Rio will almost certainly lose, but Del Rio ends it with an enziguri. Del Rio gets a one count, and goes for a front choke again. Show powers out, and pushes Del Rio over the top.
COMMERCIALS
We return to Big Show in an odd leg lock of some kind, where Del Rio is essentially trying to choke out the entire leg, punching the thigh when he gets the chance. Show gets out of it by dropping his other leg on Del Rio’s neck, but Show is still on the ground, and takes a bunch of kicks to the head. Show goes for the chokeslam, but Del Rio kicks the knee and DDTs the giant. Cover for two is powered out of, and Del Rio is shot to the outside. Del Rio goes up for the corner enziguri, but Show punches him in the face, and that’s all there is, folks.
Winner: Big Show
Hey, it’s CM Punk! Hi, CM Punk! He and Show share a glance as they pass, but then Punk heads to ringside to get a microphone and a bottle of water. Punk sits next to the unconscious Del Rio and splashes some water in his face to wake him up. Punk is going to ask him a question, but first is going to twist him into a pretzel with the Anaconda Vice, and he’s not going to let go until Del Rio gives him the Survivor Series match. Oh, so it was if Del Rio WANTED to give him the match. Whoopsie. Anyway, Del Rio relents soon into the vice, but CM Punk can’t announce his answer because the mic dies. Punk: “You’re killing me.” He gets another mic and announces the decision, much to the jubilation of the crowd.
Backstage, we get Fozzie Bear and Gonzo, and I have no idea what Gonzo is wearing. It looks like a firecracker interpreted as fabric. Fozzie: “Have you seen the size of these guys? They’re like walking apartment buildings.” Gonzo says that he could be a WWE champ if he put his mind to it, but they’re interrupted by Vickie, Ziggler and Swagger. Swagger and Ziggler pull Gonzo’s arms, which stretch super far, and they wrap his arms around his face. Gonzo, of course, loves it, but Vickie’s team makes it a message informing the Muppets not to get involved in their matches later.
COMMERCIALS
The announcers point out some costumes in the crowd, and then show a clip from the new Muppets movie, which you should all see, and if you don’t, I’m sorry, but we can’t be friends.
Animal is the special guest timekeeper for the next match, and proceeds to bang the ring bell about twenty-five times. As well he should.
Match Five: Jack Swagger vs. Santino Marella
Should Santino really be winning this match? However, Santino does an impressive little backwards roll when pushed back by Swagger. Still, a few seconds in, Swagger starts hammering Santino, and does push-ups on Santino’s back. Santino is getting creamed, but reverses a charge to the corner by putting the legs up, but his comeback is short-lived. The audience busts into a “We want Ryder” chant. Santino comes back with some offense, but the crowd just doesn’t care. Swagger goes for an ankle lock, but Santino rolls out of it, sending Swagger onto the ropes throat first. Hey, Beaker is at ringside, and hands Santino the “energy drink, but Santino just ends up spitting it in Swagger’s face, allowing him to roll Swagger up for the pin. Santino runs like hell out of there but, of course, no one knows where Beaker went.
Winner: Santino via roll-up
COMMERCIALS
Woohoo! Zack Ryder! Know what’s great about him wrestling Dolph Ziggler? No Mason Ryan to be found…yet. Let’s see if the big Welshmen saves Zack after Ziggler beats on him or something.
Match Six: Zack Ryder vs. Dolph Ziggler
Very large “Let’s go Ryder” chant, and the fans dig everything he does. It’s wonderful to see people connecting so strongly with him because he reached out to them via his web series. However, Ziggler gets the better of him, and quickly gains the advantage. Neckbreaker attempt is reversed into a clothesline by Ryder, who then puts the legs up against a charge into the corner, and hits a pretty nice looking second-rope dropkick. Ziggler rolls to the outside, but Ryder follows after him with a slingshot plancha. Woo woo woo, we’re going to commercial.
COMMERCIALS
We come back to Ryder in an armbar while the fans chant, “Let’s go Ryder” and “Woo Woo Woo” in alternating chants. Ziggler with a jumping elbow to Ryder’s back, which gets two. Ziggler delivers a neckbreaker, then kips up. Nice. Ziggler goes for…something, but gets caught and slingshotted into the corner. Ryder and Ziggler exchange shots, but Ryder dodges a punch and reverses with a flapjack. Long Island facewash in the corner, and Ryder gets two. Ryder picks Ziggler up, but Ziggler gives him a jawbreaker, sending him into a corner. Ziggler runs into some high knees from Ryder, and Ryder covers for…three? Ah, Ziggler’s feet were in the ropes, and the ref acknowledges that he blew the call. Ziggler runs to the outside, and Ryder chases. When Ryder tries to follow Ziggler into the ring, Vickie grabs Ryder’s leg, giving Ziggler a chance to kick Ryder in the face. Ziggler goes for the Zigzag, but Ryder holds on to the ropes. Ryder comes back with the Rough Ryder, and grabs the pin count, beating Ziggler clean. Nice.
Winner: Zack Ryder via Rough Ryder
COMMERCIALS
The stuff with HHH and Nash is recapped, including the jackknife powerbomb and the vicious beat down from last week. Serious music! Medical update: concussion, fractured vertebrae. He’ll be out for five weeks, so say the announcers. Also, Kevin Nash has been re-signed! So…that’s a thing. Nash will be on Raw next week.
Michael Cole interrupts, and says that Jim Ross isn’t here because he’s suffering from some horrible bowel disease. Not sure if this is true or not. I’m guessing no. He pulls out an adult diaper, which he says JR would need, and asks if Ross will be brave enough to take the challenge next week. Will he? It “Depends.” Get it? Depends? Like the diaper. Thanks, Cole.
The camera zooms into the balcony, and here’s Statler and Waldorf again, and they’re yawning. “Y’know, the only thing worse listening to Michael Cole is…nothing!” Nice.
Miss Piggy is admiring John Morrison’s abs, and she’d like to go to dinner with him after the show. JoMo is busy, but he brings in Hornswaggle, who’s totally available, and shows Piggy his Miss Piggy tattoo, which is on his ankle. She loves it, but blanches when he kisses her on the cheek. She responds, as per usual, with a “Hi-ya!” to the gut. She leaves, and Kermit comes to see if Hornswaggle is alright, but he’s thrilled to have been touched by her. Kermit: “And I thought our show was weird.” Cody Rhodes then shows up, paper bags Kermit, and leaves. Can the Muppets be here every week?
Miz comes out, and we go back up to the balcony. Statler: “Waldorf, John Cena is going to be wrestling next! You can’t see me!” Waldorf: “I can’t see anything.” Statler: “Well, he’s going to be wrestling the Miz, so consider yourself lucky.”
COMMERCIALS
Match Seven: John Cena vs. The Miz
Hmm…well, the match isn’t starting until 11, so I don’t see this one going too long. They start out fairly quickly, and Cena takes control with a fisherman suplex and a dropkick. However, Miz comes back with a running knee and repeated stomps to the chest of Cena before straddling him and punching him in the head. Running kick to the head by Miz, who then locks in a cravat. Cena powers out, but Miz kicks him in the gut, then gives him another running kick to the head. Cena in the corner, and Miz charges and hits his jumping clothesline. Miz to the top with an axehandle to Cena for two. Punch, punch, punch, stomp, stomp, stomp, knee to the back, chinlock by Miz. It’s 11:04, Miz, we don’t have time for rest holds. Cena powers out, however, and comes back with the shoulderblocks and Protobomb. You can’t see him, Five Knuckle Shuffle, but Miz gets out of the AA to a reverse DDT. Miz goes for a running kick, but it’s countered into an STF, but Miz kicks him out, then hits Cena with a backbreaker/neckbreaker combo. Miz prepares for the Skullcrushing Finale, but Cena comes back with a charge to the corner and a hard clothesline for two. Cena to the top, but Miz knocks him off balance. Miz sets up for a superplex off the middle rope, but Cena breaks the grip and knocks Miz off. Top rope legdrop to the back of the neck by Cena, who gets two. Cena goes for the AA, but Miz gets out of it and DDTs Cena for two. Miz charges John Cena, but gets backdropped over the top. Cena follows him outside and throws him into the barricade. I’m smelling countout. Oh wait, R-Truth in a Scream costume attacks Cena. Now, I’m assuming it’s R-Truth because the guy’s skin is black, but to be fair, I suppose it could have been any black guy in a Ghostface Killer costume. They’re back in the ring, but Cena reverses a SCF into an STF, and Miz taps.
Winner: John Cena via STF
Ghostface runs into the ring and gets AAed by Cena. He unmasks the guy, and, indeed, it is R-Truth. Cena celebrates as we fade to black.
So, in conclusion, stay Muppety, folks. Stay Muppety.
