For Your Considerationâ€¦The RAW Judicial Review for 11/21/11
Welcome back to the longest running, action-adventure, passive-aggressive column on the world wide web, For Your Consideration. Iâ€™m your host Andrew Wheeler, and no, there wasnâ€™t a column last week. Relax. It wasnâ€™t lost in the vacuous abyss that is the new InsidePulse redesign, but rather it was a victim of a hectic schedule and no opportunity to play catch-up.
But since I now have the time to play a little catch-up, Iâ€™d like to go back to the well and doâ€¦
An Arbitrary Number of Thoughts on Wrestling
1. I know that The Rock is the â€œbiggest star everâ€ (for the moment), but is burying John Cena really the best way to go? Sure, the Rock Bottom was expected, but why make John climb the turnbuckle just to hammer home the fact that nobody likes him? Say what you want about Cena but heâ€™s a company man.
2. Iâ€™ll take Cody Rhodesâ€™s stupid mask over his stupid laugh any day of the week.
3. Glaciers have melted faster than it took Big Show to deliver an elbow drop.
4. It was great to see The Fink go into business for himself and was proof that if you stand still long enough, people will chant your name.
5. Boots to Asses may be the dumbest catchphrase in years. Woo, woo, woo, you know it.
6. The Rock looks like the material they use to make old womenâ€™s handbags.
7. The InsidePulse redesign is by far the most confusing, disorganized, aesthetically brutal layout yet. Between that, the strange roll-over advertisements, the constant malware and the graphic of that one guy standing in a ring pointing (I donâ€™t know why that bothers me so much but it does), Iâ€™m starting to hit my limit. Glazer always seems to go on these extended sabbaticals where he wonâ€™t write for months, and maybe those are sounding pretty good right about now.
8. Worst part of the redesign? All of the comments on all of the columns are now gone. Brilliant.
9. Eve Torres should never have to take a top rope Glam Slam to preserve the integrity of a title belt that looks like a tramp stamp and is worth less than the faux leather itâ€™s grafted on to.
10. I never thought I would say this, but R-Truth deserves better.
11. Apparently the Wellness Violating substances Sin Cara was taking was designed to prevent him from taking sloppy bumps.
12. Glad to see the WWE is pushing Wade Barrettâ€¦a year to late. Apparently striking while the ironâ€™s hot isnâ€™t an expression in their Universe.
13. Hey Brodus Clay, after the way the WWE treated Johnny Curtis after his months of build, maybe itâ€™s a good thing you havenâ€™t debuted yet.
14. How hard would it have been to do a second Survivor Series match? There are literally dozens of guys wandering in the back with nothing to do. They could have done an entire 5-on-5 match in the time it took The Rock to butcher Sinatra.
15. If this Zack Ryder thing turns into something of substance, I will be stupefied. Right now, heâ€™s Eugene before the backlash. And this is coming from a fan of Zack Ryder.
The RAW Judicial Review for 11/21/11
â€œIf ya smellâ€¦â€
We open the show with the new WWE Champion, CM Punk. That guy seems really happy. Itâ€™s almost like having that title belt is a drug. Ah, see what I did there? Because heâ€™s Straight Edge, which is like a vegan only instead of no bland soy bullshit, he doesnâ€™t use any illicit substances. Which means he got those tattoos intentionally. Coughsociopathcough.
CM Punk asks if he can tell us a story. He talks about being a kid in school and how his teacher asked everyone what they wanted to be. Some kids wanted to be policemen or firemen and one kid wanted to be Teen Wolf, but not Punk. Punk wanted to be a professional wrestler. He points out that he didnâ€™t want to be a sports entertainer. And why would he? Sports entertainers wrestle in front of 20 to 70 thousand people while professional wrestlers get to work inside of a high school gym for thirty guys with camera phones hoping to catch something they can send to Botchamania. Punk puts over MSG and talks about how happy he was to win his title there. He calls himself the new face of the WWE, so I guess the tweener stuff is officially dead and buried. Punk talks about change and ice cream bars and how itâ€™s stupid that the audience is called a Universe instead of fans and how there should be a permanent GM, and this brings outâ€¦
Super Johnny Ace. Punk calls him Lumberg, which makes me instantly hope they never decide to do a Punk/Ace staple-gun match. He calls Ace a stooge and a goof and all that good stuff, because Ace is always booked to look like a stooge and a goof. Ace books Punk/Del Rio for next week (trying to squeeze in that last little bit of November sweeps magic) and then books Punk/Ziggler for tonight.
Punk points out that the fans would much rather see Ziggler/Ryder, but Ace says that Ryder will be facing Alberto Del Rio. Hey, jobbing to the former WWE Champion sure beats the hell out of jobbing to the United States Champion. Punk says that someday someone is going to knock some sense into Ace, and now Iâ€™m legitimately scared that they are going to book Ace/Punk.
Zack Ryder v. Alberto Del Rio w/ Ricardo Rodriguez
Ryder interrupts Ricardoâ€™s ring announce, which is just rude. As someone who was born in Long Island, I can say that some of us have mannersâ€¦and have resisted the temptation to dye our hairs burnt sienna.
Del Rio proceeds to treat this like an extended squash, which is perfectly fine. Ryder hasnâ€™t been portrayed as any kind of serious threat, and while he is a capable midcard guy, he shouldnâ€™t look dominant against the immediate past WWE Champion. Ryder did get some Bounre-esque token offense, but in the end he got caught with the Cross-Arm-breaker and tapped out.
Ryder is only going to look more legitimate if heâ€™s allowed to work with bigger names. If that means he has to be jobbed out every now and again, so be it. Plus, heâ€™s so over that Del Rio got even more heel heat just for winning in a relatively clean fashion.
Sheamus v. Kurt SwAngle w/ Vickie Cougarton Abbey
These two have surprisingly good chemistry with one another. SwAngle is just fine in the role of the big guy who can lose weekly, because he has the height and the look to always seem moderately menacing. Sheamus needed another nice win on television, and this provided it, with him hitting the Brutha Kick for the win.
This is the kind of solid RAW match that people can find little to complain about. Two young, talented guys go out there and have a perfectly fine match with a clean finish.
Kevin Nash and his Giant Gonzalez beard comes out to talk about things that no one could possibly care about. This RAW was chugging along just fine until he decided to interject. The gist of his rambling rant was that MSG is where he won the title in 8 seconds (one of his best matches ever) and where he took the curtain call, but now in 2011 heâ€™s upset that he wasnâ€™t in the main event of Survivor Series. You just know heâ€™s still bitter that he left before he could have buried The Rock. He calls himself a survivor, mainly because he is in better shape than Hall and Waltman but still has to work to feed his family unlike Michaels and Hunter. In the future, Nash should just cut these promos on the front porch of his house and interject things about kids coming onto his lawn uninvited.
Cody Rhodes comes out to remind us that heâ€™s mask-free and feeling fine. Oh, and apparently now heâ€™s unbeatable.
Cody Rhodes v. Santino Marella
Wacky comedy offense, Cobra attempt, CrossRhodes, finished.
Santino as comedy jobber is fine if it gets guys like Rhodes over. It isnâ€™t fine when heâ€™s made to be anything more than this.
Dolph Ziggler points out that heâ€™s the leader of the New Generation, all while rocking a sweet #Heel hoodie.
CM Punk v. Dolph Ziggler
Since Iâ€™m too tired and there are others who have taken the liberty of doing it already, I wonâ€™t attempt to recap this whole match. Suffice it to say, this may have been one of the best free matches of the year. Ziggler and Punk are a great pair, and if this wasnâ€™t designed to be a litmus test to see if Dolph can hang in the main event then I donâ€™t know what is.
Right here, at about 10:13, is where RAW could have ended. One weak Nash segment notwithstanding, this was a great chunk of programming. It felt like something weâ€™d see in an old Manhattan Center RAW, and was the kind of just out-and-out fun show that wrestling fans love. Sadly, thereâ€™s still another hour of programming.
Big Show comes out and stands in the same spot as Nash and cuts another â€œIâ€™m tall and mean and angryâ€ promo, only this time heâ€™s threatening to knock out whatâ€™s left of Mark Henry. Oh, and he smiles to remind us that heâ€™s a babyface.
Alicia Fox and Kelly Kelly are playing WWE 12 when Beth and Natalya talk about how they are going to make them cry in real life. Yeah, thatâ€™ll sell some video games.
Wade Barrett v. Kofi Kingston
Poor Kofi. Without Bourne heâ€™s just the token Jobber to the Stars that John Morrison usually is. Wade beats the hell out of Kofi but they still manage to have a spirited match. Orton comes out to sit in a folding chair and watch. Guess the monitors in the back werenâ€™t as good. In the end, Wade hits the Baba Oâ€™Reilly for the win. Orton lunges at him, Wade recoils and I think he now gets two for flinching.
Hey, at least Orton isnâ€™t in the title picture and heâ€™s being used to get over new talent. Fine by me.
John Cena comes out to talk about Survivor Series and how he was Rock Bottomed. Yawn. Yes, I typed yawn. Awesome Truth comes out to say really a lot. Cena says that no one cares about them. He says that Miz thinks Truth is crazy and that Truth thinks Miz isnâ€™t a real star. This is like a bad Looney Tunes skit. Miz and Truth argue and The Miz lays out R-Truth.
Oh how I wish RAW was only an hour this week. Oddly, no Brodus Clay and no Jonah Hill. Guess the needed the time for that Kelly Kelly video game promo.
This has been for your consideration.
Tags: Andrew Wheeler, Andy Wheeler, cm punk, For Your Consideration, john cena, kane, Kelly Kelly, kevin nash, Mark Henry, R-Truth, Raw, royal rumble, the big show, The Miz, The Rock, triple h, wrestlemania, zack ryder