LADIES AND GENTLEMEN… if you thought that Christmas would come and go without me giving you a present, then shame on you. Here you go. You’re welcome. You’re welcome in advance for another amazing offering by myself and Swayze. You’re welcome for the credibility we bring to Inside Pulse. I’m not exaggerating when I say that this is the greatest thing you’ll have seen on Inside Pulse in a very, very long time.

This is a Swayze’s show, so from here on in, MY contributions will be in red, and Swayze’s in black. Get that? No? That’s okay. Some of you are a bit slow sometimes. Here it is again.

Swayze = Black
Blair = Red

Blair: Enjoy the show!

Swayze: I hate pro wrestling. I hate pro wrestling fans mostly. They are stupid. I hate their stupidity. I hate how they use their stupid fingers to type out their stupid thoughts on their stupid computers to communicate with other stupid fans that are too stupid to realize everything they are typing is stupid. I hate their ‘grown up’ collection of stupid pro wrestling toys. I hate their stupid pretend championship belts. I hate their stupid pro wrestling T-shirts. I hate their stupid faces. I also hate how at the end of the year wrestling ‘journalists’ do year-end awards and they are always stupid. So I do my own that aren’t stupid. Consider these the REAL wrestling awards for the year of 2011, unless you want to be stupid and disagree with me or something. With that I give you…

THE FOURTH ANNUAL SWAYZE AWARDS FOR 2011

Thank you, thank you! Welcome everyone to the fourth annual Swayze Awards for 2011. The arena looks beautiful tonight, which in retrospect was probably a waste of money considering you are most likely just reading this report. As always, everyone is dying to find out who will win the coveted SHITHEAD OF THE YEAR award. There were alot of shitheads in wrestling this year so competition is stiff. So what are we waiting for? Let’s jump into our first award of the evening…

THE SWAYZEY FOR SHITTIEST USE OF TWITTER BY A PRO WRESTLER

This award is easy enough to explain. Twitter sucks. Everyone hates it. This year pro wrestlers got a chance to play with this new social trend. Hilarious results ensued. The nominees are…

• Hulk Hogan for insulting Edge’s retirement and then only wrestling once all year
• Kurt Angle for claiming to invent all wrestling moves
• Dixie Carter for her desperate attempts to get someone to watch TNA Wrestling

And The Swayzey goes to…

That Guy From NXT Who Tweeted A Picture Of His Penis

That Guy From NXT Who Tweeted A Picture Of His Penis: Thank you. This award means alot. You want a win…then make it a win. And if you want a penis…then make it a penis? I don’t know. I’d say it’s pretty obvious I’m a slow adult. When someone asks me to do something stupid like post a picture of my penis on Twitter, of course I’m going to do it without question. I don’t know anything…and sometimes I know even less than that. I don’t even remember what my name is. Now I’m just going to smile and hope that none of you realize that I have no idea what is going on.

Blair: HA! I had no idea this even happened. I was all ready to vote for the Kurt Angle thing. You know what was awesome about that? When Kurt claimed his Twitter got hacked, but then CM Punk said that “My Twitter was hacked” is the new “I’m a sloppy, drunk douche.” But if this happened, then it takes the Swayzey for sure. Bravo, Guy From NXT Who Tweeted A Picture Of His Penis!

While most of you are probably familiar with this glorious awards ceremony, I’m sure we have one or two new readers noticing that this is the FOURTH annual Swayze Awards. I’m sure those same few readers are then asking themselves how they could have missed the other three when the level of quality in this prestigious column is so high. Then they probably wondered what else they were missing out on, and how time seems to go by so quickly in life. They probably reminisced about people they lost touch with, opportunities that passed them by. Then I imagine they put on a Sheryl Crow CD and cried while staring out of a window or something.

Those of you that aren’t crying and/or listening to horrible music may remember that our three previous winners of the infamous SHITHEAD OF THE YEAR award were Michael Cole, Jeff Hardy, and Matt Hardy. Because of the fantastic work they have been doing all year, they will be nominees this year as well. Matt usually avoids these, but Jeff and Cole seem to be in the running every year. Except all of those years when we didn’t do these awards because wrestling wasn’t really worth watching. Not that it’s really worth watching now. But fuck it, we’re here, so let’s see what Jeff Hardy thinks about his chances of winning…

Jeff Hardy: TAYKUR! AH’M STEEL STAINDIN’ TAYKUR! AFTER AWE THIS TAHME TAYKUR AH’M STEEL STAINDIN! AH’M NAHT THARE ANYMORE TAYKUR AH’M EN TEE AN AYE NOW TAYKUR! AH HATE IT! BUT AH’M STEEL STAINDIN! TAAAAAAAAAAAY-KUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRR!!!

And that’s why Jeff Hardy gets nominated every year. And because instead of wrestling moves he does little dancey things. And he misses those little dancey things half the time. And he does little dancey things just walking to the ring. One time we saw him hump a ladder. And he’s like the only guy in pro wrestling to use facepaint and still not be cool. How do you wear facepaint and not be cool? And he says really annoying things like ‘Fate Has Not Yet Been Revealed’ and other gibberish. Nobody likes that. And nobody likes that crap he paints. And nobody likes that crappy music he does. And I could just make the entire column about this, but instead I think we should present another award…

THE SWAYZEY FOR SHITTIEST STORYLINE IDEA THAT WAS APPARENTLY WRITTEN BY A PROFESSIONAL WITH AN IQ ABOVE 40

Pro wrestling shows feel that they don’t need to make sense when writing a story, which is one of the many reasons nobody watches pro wrestling anymore. This award each year goes to that one moment that makes you feel like a giant loser for watching. A moment that makes you look over your shoulder to make sure nobody is witnessing you watching such embarassing nonsense. A moment a normal TV show would be cancelled immediately for airing. The nominees are…

• Triple H for causing the WWE roster to go on pretend strike
• Shaemus for having a conversation with a fucking muppet
• TNA Wrestling for every storyline they came up with in 2011

And The Swayzey goes to…

John Cena for getting drafted twice in one night

John Cena: Yo, yo, yo! Word to yo motha! Nobody likes me anymore. I’m not sure anyone ever did. I mean…how do you get drafted twice in one night? That’s the laziest fucking storywriting ever. They didn’t even bother to give a reason. I get drafted to one show. Then later on, I’m just magically drafted to the other? For what? Shock value? That’s like going up to an infant and doing the ‘I got your nose’ game! No wonder nobody likes me. Everyone likes this Zack Ryder guy now. If I like Zack Ryder too, will you guys please like me then? Please somebody like me! PLEASE?!?

Although this is the fourth annual Swayze Awards, this is the first year that the event is being held for the great people at InsidePulse.com. You’re welcome. As many of you are aware, I’m the most popular figure on InsidePulse.com. You know how CM Punk is the ‘Voice Of The Voiceless’? Well on The Pulse, I’m the ‘Words Of The Illiterate’. That’s pretty amazing considering I’m not even allowed to write for the site. However some readers here seem to have a problem with me. Crazy right? Instead of being angry at these idiots, I’ve decided to extend the olive branch as it were and invite one of them to serve as the entertainment for this ceremony. Plus AC/DC cancelled on me. So without further ado, I give you some ACTUAL Facebook poetry written by InsidePulse.com’s very own Pulse Glazer. Enjoy!

Pulse Glazer: Gotta make a plan gotta, gotta do what’s right, can’t run around in circles if you wana build a life, but I don’t wana make a plan for a day far away, while I’m young and while I’m able all I wana do is play.

Wow. That was really deep, I think. To be honest, I don’t get it. Maybe you have to be a Linkin Park fan and wear black lipstick or something.

For the record, I was planning on using some Pulse Glazer quotes from this site for these awards. But, all his old comments got deleted. And I sure wasn’t going to surf through his actual articles. This is what he gets for adding me on Facebook after all that nonsense.

Let’s have another award…

THE SWAYZEY FOR SHITTIEST PRO WRESTLER THAT STUPID FANS INSISTED WAS ‘IMPROVING’ EVEN THOUGH THAT PRO WRESTLER WASN’T IMPROVING AT ALL

Wrestling fans are so bored of John Cena and Randy Orton that they literally imagine other wrestlers are improving so much that they will soon take Cena and Orton’s spots. Meanwhile, Cena and Orton have been on top for nearly a decade. Will fans learn? Of course not. This award is dedicated to denial. The nominees are…

• Shaemus for his sucky run as a face
• Mark Henry for his sucky run as a champion
• Dolph Ziggler for his sucky run as the sex slave of Vickie Guerrero
• Wade Barrett for his sucky run of doing nothing since Nexus flopped
• The Miz for his sucky run as a complete main event failure
• R-Truth for his sucky run as a racist parody
• Alex Riley for his sucky run of getting a new theme song
• Kelly Kelly for her sucky run of smiling at cameras
• TNA Wrestling’s entire roster

And The Swayze goes to…

Cody Rhodes for Phantom Of The Cody

Cody Rhodes: I would like to thank the academy for presenting me with this award. I would also like to thank wrestling fans for being stupid enough for me to win this award. It started off as a bet. I bet Ted Dibiase’s kid a pair of kneepads that I could work this new character I was doing that didn’t wrestle for fear of ruining his looks and still convince stupid fans I was improving in the ring. I didn’t wrestle for almost four months and fans couldn’t shut up about how great in the ring I was. Ted’s kid said I was a retard. But I’m holding the award. And I got kneepads! Who is the retard now Ted’s kid? WHO IS THE RETARD NOW!?!

I would have gone for Shaemus or Mark Henry for this award, but quite honestly, this is still a very well deserved award by Cody. Talk about a hotly contested category. Aaron, you and I had some hotly contested debates about this topic. What do you think?

Pulse Glazer: Singin’ “One more time might do it,” I’m singin’ “One more time around might make it.”

Jeff Hardy wasn’t the only Hardy to have a spell of bad luck this year. Matt Hardy really amazed the academy with an impressive display of self-destruction. Matt, you won your last SHITHEAD OF THE YEAR award when another pro wrestler started banging your girlfriend in real life and you retalliated by agreeing to lose repeatedly in a feud to him. What do you think your chances will be this year?

Matt Hardy: Well, I decided to drink more and use more drugs. Then I purposely got fired from WWE, in order to work backwards in furthering my career. You have to admit that was pretty stupid. I did the ‘grapes’ thing. That was a home run right? I slipped a little when I started dating this really hot chick, but I got back on track when I started tazing her for Youtube videos and generally wrecking her life. Let’s see, I totalled two or three cars in a weekend. I got thrown out of the rehab WWE was paying for even though I have enough money for rehab. I have seven bank accounts! I’m probably going to do some jail time. And I’m going bald. I think that’s it. Oh yeah, I also jumped in a bonfire of trash because I thought it would be funny. That award is mine!

THE SWAYZEY FOR SHITTIEST MATCH THAT STUPID FANS PRAISED EVEN THOUGH IT WASN’T VERY GOOD SO THAT THEY COULD JUSTIFY WATCHING THE SHITTY WRESTLING SHOWS THAT THEY ARE ADDICTED TO

Wrestling fans in 2011 suffer from diminished expectations. Everything is so bad that when something mediocre comes along, it’s considered to be great. So these aren’t matches that are horrible or even midly disappointing. These are matches that are just average that stupid fans hang onto like a life perserver as they drown in an ocean of their own failures.

• Shaemus vs Mark Henry
• Dolph Zigger vs anyone
• Every match presented by TNA Wrestling in 2011

And The Swayze goes to…

John Cena vs CM Punk

John Cena: Backstreet’s back! ALRIGHT!!! I will be accepting this award as it’s really because of me that we won. Punk is awesome. I was the fool trying to figure out which leg CM Punk had been working on for ten minutes right before I hit a legdrop off the top rope. I guess fans were so happy that I lost that they completely forgot about the match itself. Or maybe it’s just because the fans are stupid. So you all like CM Punk? Well then I do to. Really! If you don’t believe me read my twitter ramblings. I like The Rock too. Wasn’t it cool when he beat me up and I just smiled and walked away? Please be my friend. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Hangin’ Tough!!!

I demand a recount. Shaemus and Henry wasn’t “average”, but it was over-praised. So if it’s on there, it deserves to win. In retrospect, I should have insisted on more than my 0.5% share in the voting.

Are you ready for some angst? I said…ARE YOU READY FOR SOME ANGST?!? No? Well, too bad. You’re getting another crappy Glazer poem anyway.

Pulse Glazer: I’ve shown you everything, I’ve got nothing to hide… but still you’re asking me, do I love you? (What it is what it is)… all I can tell you is it’s not showbiz. All I can tell you it’s all showbiz.

Remember folks… we’re not making these up. These are ACTUAL Facebook posts by Aaron. So thank you again Aaron. I’m sure it was as embarassing for you to write it as it was for us to read.

Now we present yet another award…

THE SWAYZEY FOR SHITTIEST ATTEMPT BY A RETIRED PRO WRESTLER TO CONVINCE THE FANS THAT HE WAS RETURNING TO WRESTLING EVEN THOUGH THAT PRO WRESTLER WAS JUST THINKING OF THEMSELVES AND PROMOTING SOME GARBAGE AND THEY HAD NO REAL INTENTION OF COMING BACK TO PRO WRESTLING TO MAKE THE FANS THAT MADE HIM HAPPY AND HE JUST WANTED TO LIE TO EVERYONE BECAUSE LIES KEEP HIM WARM AT NIGHT RIGHT ROCK YOU FUCKING LIAR WHO LIED ABOUT COMING BACK BUT IT WAS ALL JUST A HORRIBLE LIE TOLD BY A HORRIBLE LIAR WHO MUST HATE ALL HIS FANS BECAUSE HE JUST LIES TO THEM ALL THE FUCKING TIME ROCK YOU MOTHERFUCKING LYING ASSHOLE

Well this award…hmm? I guess it’s self-explanatory. As for the nominees there is really just the one. So I guess we will just go straight to the winner.

And The Swayze goes to…

Sting

Sting: Hahaha! You morons thought I was going to WWE. Dumbfucks! Of course that video was for The Undertaker. Look at the fucking thing! What made you idiots think it was going to be me anyway? Was it that shot of the fucking Undertaker walking around in a trench coat that tipped you off? You stupid fucking bastards. Thanks for the award.

And now we talk to another nominee for this year’s SHITHEAD OF THE YEAR award. Michael Cole is probably the worst television personality of all time. He’s spent his entire pro wrestling career killing his credibility while making viewers turn the channel in shame. I guess my question is: Shouldn’t you win this award every year?

Michael Cole: Yes I should! It should be named after me. I’ve never had one good performance and I’ve been in WWE for 14 years! Do you know what I said after Undertaker and Shawn Michaels had one of the best matches ever? I said ‘Goosebumps’. That was my brilliant analysis. Goosebumps!?! WHAT MORE DO I HAVE TO DO?!? Do I have to start wrestling full time? I’ll do it! Don’t push me into doing something you’ll regret!!!

Direct Auto Insurance Presents THE SWAYZEY FOR MOST COURAGEOUS DUI OF THE YEAR

The title says it all for this one. Let’s take a look at the nominees.

• Kurt Angle
• Matt Hardy
• Whoever Alex Riley Is

And the winner is…

Kurt Angle

Kurt Angle: Don’t use me in your awards. Get more creative. Hmmm, Swayze and Blair. Did I say that? Why would he put me in The Swayze Awards? Is it because I won’t work for Inside Pulse? They have some nerve. Hey, who put that barricade in the middle of the roa…”

Thank you, Kurt! We all look forward to seeing how they draw you in the courtroom sketches.

SHITTIEST STORYLINE THAT STUPID FANS JUST INVENTED IN FANTASY LAND AND THEN GOT PISSED OFF WHEN THEY REALIZED IT WAS JUST THEIR IMAGINATION

This award is for the stupid fans that are so bored with their wrestling shows that they start to imagine storylines that the makers of these shows aren’t aware of. The odd thing is that the fans actually get angry when they see their imaginary storylines aren’t acknowledged on the show. Some of these fans write for wrestling websites and rant as if their storyline was really taking place but then was suddenly canned. And other fans read stuff like that and soon these pretend storylines become reality in the fans’ eyes. It’s fucking hilarious. Here are the nominees…

• John Cena for failing to turn heel
• Every idea created by TNA Wrestling
• The 4 or 5 times that stupid fans thought that TNA was going to push Samoa Joe just because they watched one week where Joe beat someone up, even though they failed to consider the other 51 weeks of the year where Joe just loses every single time to complete wastes like Crimson and Matt Morgan even though Blair A. Douglas repeatedly told you fucking morons that it wasn’t going to happen but you didn’t listen and were just like “I bet this is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA.” and then he lost whatever retard match you were thinking he would dominate, and THEN you were all just like “Huh, crazy. Who would have thought?”

And The Swayze goes to…

CM Punk for failing to do his imaginary storyline where he goes to Japan and to other wrestling companies to promote his WWE storyline

CM Punk: Wow. This is a whole new level of stupid for wrestling fans. So let me get this straight? You fans thought it would be a good idea if WWE took the one guy in nearly fifteen years that managed to gain some exposure outside of the incredibly small bubble that is the world of pro wrestling and remove him from all their TV shows. Then you wanted WWE to take that person and book him on other wrestling shows that are desperate to have anything that would allow them to compete with the monopolistic juggernaut that WWE has become. And you all thought WWE had the power to make that happen. You know what? THAT’S THE STUPIDEST FUCKING THING I’VE EVER HEARD! I can appreciate many of you fans enjoy watching us wrestle and all. But what makes you all think you are experts at running an entertainment business? If you don’t realize why having me go to TNA and ROH to continue a WWE storyline is a bad idea, then you are a fucking retard. Go fuck yourselves.

I bet this is the start of a huge push for Samoa Joe in TNA.

It would be great if we had forever to present these awards. Unfortunately time restraints prevent us from handing out every Swayze we have to give. Here is a list of winners that were presented with an award before the show began.

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF JIM CARREY BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Sting

SHITTIEST PRO WRESTLER NOT NAMED BRIAN KENDRICK
Winner – Brian Kendrick

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF THE JOKER BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Sting

SHITTIEST THEME SONG
Winner – Jeff Hardy for ‘One Of Jeff Hardy’s Crappy Songs’

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF RAVEN BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Jeff Hardy

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF JEFF HARDY BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Matt Hardy

SHITTIEST PROMO BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Matt Hardy for ‘I fucking LOVE grapes’

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF A WOMAN BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Chyna

SHITTIEST ENDORSEMENT BY A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Rey Mysterio for that creepy ad where he is playing guns with a bunch of kids

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF A POPULAR AND RELEVANT PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Hulk Hogan

SHITTIEST GINGER
Winner – That Opie looking motherfucker from Nexus

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF A PRO WRESTLING MATCH
Winner – A multi-way tie between every single match presented by TNA Wrestling in 2011

SHITTIEST PIECE OF MERCHANDISE MADE BY A PRO WRESTLING COMPANY
Winner – TNA Wrestling for the RVD T-shirt

SHITTIEST IMPERSONATION OF A PRO WRESTLER
Winner – Randy Orton

Now is the moment we’ve all been…

Pulse Glazer: Scribbled and scratching
Half finished pages at dawn
People that live here are wondering
Where all their strength’s gone.
Moments of splendor
Wind up like ashes in rain,
One look you’re smiling,
Another your face is in pain.
I wake up at night
with the sweat on my head.
A look in your eyes
that will haunt me til dead.
I just can’t seem to shake it,
Something about what you said;
How love’s like an orphan,
A motherless child gone unfed.

Swayze: … now is the…

Pulse Glazer: So we laugh with the joker,
Hold back the tears til they’re gone.
Drink and be merry
They’ll find us all dead men at dawn.
We’re so far away
From wherever we came
That sometimes I wonder
We’ll see it again
It’s true, what they say…
You can’t always go home,
You can’t always be warm inside.
That, in love, we’re like orphans,
Strangers in paradise.

Swayze: …

…

Pulse Glazer: …

…

The Swayzey For Shithead Of The Year 2011

… so… now is the moment you all have been waiting for. Every year, one man decides to step up and show the world that he is a stupid, worthless, no good, god damn, freeloading, sonofabitch, retarded, bigmouth, knowitall, asshole jerk! Don’t forget ugly, lazy, and disrespectful. That man is the biggest SHITHEAD OF THE YEAR, and this award pays tribute to their constant attempts to get fans to quit watching this bullshit. Who will win? Will it be Michael Cole, Jeff Hardy, or his less popular brother Matt Hardy? THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME!!!

And The Swayzey for SHITHEAD OF THE YEAR goes to…

John Cena

John Cena: Yo it’s about that time to bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme. I’m a get mine so get yours. I wanna see sweat comin’ out your pores. On the house tip is how I’m swinging this. Strictly hip hop boy I ain’t singing this. Bringing this to the entire nation. Black, white, red, brown. Feel the vibration! Come on, come on, come on! Feel it, feel it! FEEL THE VIBRATION!!!

And THAT’S how you do a fucking award show. I expect my log-in info by the end of the week. We will discuss how much of that Smurf DVD and Green Lantern money I’ll be recieving later. For now…have a good night.

Can we get a “THANK YOU SWAYZE” chant up in this bitch? I’ll be in my trailer.