The SmarK RAW Supershow Rant – 01.09.12
Live from Corpus Christi, TX
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
Kane starts us out with an interview, as his powers of turning the arena lights red are in full force again. Apparently everyone lives a life of hatred and lies and we’re all just in denial about it….just like JOHN CENA. And when we chant “Cena Sucks”, we’re really saying WE suck. That’s deep, man. So yeah, blah blah blah embrace hate, and finally Cena comes out to shut him up, and the brawl is on. That’s one way to get people to cheer Cena – have Kane cut boring promos until fans are actually wanting to see someone stop it. They go brawling backstage in fine Vince Russo fashion, and Cena tumbles into a pile of EXTREME cardboard boxes…and Kane disappears.
Sheamus & Santino v. Wade Barrett & Jinder Mahal
What a barnburner this should be. Jinder hits Santino with a high knee for two, and Barrett comes in for a chinlock. Then Jinder gets his own. Santino escapes with a jawbreaker and makes the hot tag to Sheamus, and he thankfully speeds things up a bit and kicks Jinder’s ass. Brogue Kick sets up Santino’s Cobra to finish at 2:50. I have no idea what the point of this was. ½*
Meanwhile, The Miz continues whining to Johnny Ace and David Otunga. I think they’re now adding in a sound effect when Otunga drinks from his travel mug. Ace tells Miz not to worry about Little Jimmy, but rather Big Johnny. God help me, he’s growing on me.
Did You Know that the first Hall of Fame inductee was Andre the Giant in 1993? Wow, something that’s an actual fact and not just spin-doctored bullshit.
Edge gets a video package because he’s getting put into the Hall of Fame this year. I would assume Christian will be inducting him.
Meanwhile, the Miz tries to convince Mason Ryan into a bodyguard job, with no luck.
Meanwhile, Zack Ryder continues hitting on Eve Torres…but Kane is listening from a closet. Really?
Kofi Kingston v. Daniel Bryan
The backstory for this: Kingston is very disappointed in Bryan’s conduct since becoming champion. At least he didn’t lie about his home country! Kofi gets a quick bodypress for two, but misses the wacky kick and Bryan rolls him up for two. Kofi gets another bodypress, but Bryan rolls into the Lebell Lock at 1:20. ½* Uh oh, what did Kofi do, I wonder? Bryan’s usual celebration is interrupted by Big Show, who announces that they’re wrestling for the title again on Smackdown in a no-DQ match.
Brodus Clay finally debuts…as the Funkasaurus from Planet Funk. This has gotta be a rib.
Brodus Clay v. Curt Hawkins
Brodus gets funky and squashes Hawkins with an avalanche and crossbody at 1:00. Seems that the Funkettes have been freed from the basement that Flash Funk has had them in since 1996 and recycled here. I have no idea what to do with this yet. My wife thought it was hilarious, if it matters, so maybe he can get this over.
Meanwhile, Zack Ryder brushes his teeth in the bathroom, still having flashbacks to last week and freaking out about Kane. He’s the US CHAMPION, not the cheerleader in a horror movie. This is just killing him as any kind of threat.
Meanwhile, speaking of neutered people, The Miz can’t convince Primo & Epico either.
CM Punk v. Jack Swagger
Big Johnny comes out and gives us some stakes: If Punk wins this, then Vickie banned from ringside at the Rumble. Jesus, is Punk going to do ANOTHER job tonight? Cole announces that Brodus Clay is the #1 trend on Twitter, which means that more people are talking about him than any other subject. THAT’S NOT WHAT TRENDING MEANS. They really need to stop lying about that. Punk and Swagger trade kicks and Swagger bails, then comes back in and pounds Punk down, but he comes back with a bodypress for two. Swagger slowly works him over in the corner, and gets a rollup for two. They fight outside and we take a break. Back with Punk slugging away, but he runs into a boot for two. Punk comes back with the kicks and a neckbreaker, but Swagger hits him with a pump splash for two. Another one misses, but Swagger powerslams him for two. Belly to belly gets two. Punk comes back with the Macho Elbow for two…no, it’s three. Punk wins at 13:57 despite Swagger apparently kicking out. Well that was severely messed up. OK match otherwise. **1/4
John Cena gives Zack a peptalk.
The WWE Network is still coming in April. There’s no employees or cable companies carrying it yet, but it’s coming. Oh yeah. And they got NAMES for shows. You fucking know it. And dubstep. FUCK YEAH.
Meanwhile, The Bella Twins bring Ricardo Rodriguez all the way from Mexico to deliver a message to Alberto Del Rio, but The Miz sends him out to the ring to draw out R-Truth as bait.
Next into the Hall of Fame: The Four Horsemen. With Flair already in, this would be Arn Anderson, Tully Blanchard and Barry Windham going in. That is an interesting and awesome choice and I hope it brings another DVD set with it.
Ricardo Rodriguez does his best half-hearted trash talk to bring out R-Truth, and he’s immediately the best actor on the show. Truth asks “Little Jimmy” if he should let Ricardo off the hook, but then decides to make him sing “La Cucaracha” instead. Ricardo does it, gets a good reaction for it, and then Truth snaps and lays him out. Thus making him…a babyface? What did Ricardo do in storyline terms to deserve that kind of treatment? Miz runs in and gets his sneak attack, then runs away again as soon as Truth makes his comeback. This segment was death and got nothing over. They’re gonna try this match on PPV, I bet, and it’s going to kill the crowd dead.
Chris Jericho joins us again for week 2 of his grand experiment in trolling the WWE Universe. So he comes out and does the same schtick again as last week, and the crowd is dumb enough to cheer him again, and this time he’s so overcome with emotion that he can’t talk and he leaves again without saying anything. This show was tiresome as it is, and that didn’t help any. God bless Jericho, but the crowd didn’t get how they were supposed to be reacting at all and it kind of ruined the whole bit.
Eve Torres v. Beth Phoenix
No match, as Kane’s music hits and Eve acts all terrified of the red lights, so Zack runs out and saves her from the red lights and music. They run to the parking lot, but Ryder has a flat tire and has to change it first. Yeah, this is really happening. And we actually take a break and return with him STILL CHANGING THE TIRE.
John Cena v. Dolph Ziggler
It’s been, like, three hours since the last match, so I’ll take what I can get at this point. Cena overpowers Ziggler, but falls prey to a fameasser for two. Ziggler stomps away in the corner and grabs a headlock, doing a headstand to show off at the same time. That’s pretty badass. Ziggler drops a series of elbows and does some situps, but misses another elbow. Cena makes the comeback as Michael Cole uses his new favourite phrase, “building momentum”, but lo and behold Kane attacks Zack Ryder on the Titantron, who is such a loser that not only is he terrified of Kane, but he can’t even change a tire. You’re a highly paid WWE superstar, just call a fucking cab. Or jump into one of the many limos that hang around backstage waiting for people to run away from other people. Kane chokeslams him off the loading dock and Cena is so concerned that he just runs out on the match and we move on to something else more important at 5:00 or so. Cena finds Kane backstage, but gets smothered for a third time to end the show. Thank god.
If they’re trying to drive people away, they’re doing a hell of a job with it. This show was just tiresome, no pun intended. Hope everyone who got behind Zack Ryder feels sufficiently stupid for doing so now.
