The SmarKdown Rant – 03.09.12
Taped from Uncasville, CT
Your hosts are Michael Cole, Booker T and Josh Matthews
Johnny Ace and David Otunga start us off in a cage, because they’re running the show tonight.
US title, cage match: Santino Marella v. Jack Swagger
And they wonder why no one cares about stips and gimmicks any longer. Swagger pounds away in the corner and gets a powerslam for two. Santino meets the cage and a short clothesline gets two for Swagger. Santino makes an escape attempt, but Swagger yanks him down and slaps him around. Santino comes back with a headbutt for two and it’s Cobra time, but he stops to go after Ziggler (you’re in a CAGE, moron!) and Swagger gives him a backdrop suplex to take over as we take a break. Back with Swagger throwing the sock out of the cage, but Santino gets a rollup for two. Sunset flip gets two. Swaggerbomb gets two. He tries to climb out, but Santino pulls him down for two. Santino gets to the top of the cage before Swagger pulls him down again, but Santino hits him with a DDT and crawls for the door. He gets REAL close to making it out, but Swagger pulls him back in with an anklelock…only for Vickie to accidentally slam the door on Swagger’s head, giving Santino the win. That’s a pretty clever finish. Much better match than the clusterfuck on Monday, although the cage stip was unnecessary for this feud. **1/2
Meanwhile, Johnny and Otunga are LIVID. Teddy Long comes in to gloat, but John books Aksana v. Kane and makes Teddy beg for him to call it off. That’s not good enough for Ace, and he books himself against Teddy tonight in the ring, and if Teddy wins, then it’s still Aksana v. Kane. I don’t really get what’s going on here.
Drew Mcintyre joins us, SHOCKINGLY not actually fired after all. So tonight, Big Johnny has given Drew one last chance to win his job back against a mystery opponent.
Drew McIntyre v. The Great Khali
BUT WAIT! David Otunga immediately boots Khali out of the match and rebooks it.
Drew McIntyre v. Hornswoggle
Drew quickly dispatches the midget with a series of slams to win his job back, but Great Khali lays him out to make the save. This was all very stupid, mainly because Drew wasn’t even gone a week.
Ezekial Jackson v. Mark Henry
They do a good slugfest to start, and Henry of course wins that one handily. Henry misses an elbow and Zeke comes back, but Henry absolutely steamrolls him out of the corner and finishes with the World’s Strongest Slam. It’s such a shitty deal for Henry that they took the belt off him after he finally figured himself out in the ring. **
Teddy Long v. Executive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interim General Manager of Monday Night RAW John Laurinaitis
Johnny Ace in tights and sneakers is awesome. He demands that Teddy lay down to prevent Aksana from facing Kane, but Teddy refuses and so Kane joins us. However, so does Randy Orton, and he hits Kane with an RKO to make it a moot point, allowing Teddy to get the rollup and pin. What exactly is the issue between Orton and Kane, anyway?
Kofi Kingston & R-Truth v. Epico & Primo
Wait, I’ve got it: LITTLE JAMAICA! Epico pounds on Kofi, but the faces hit a double hiptoss and Truth gets a legdrop for two. Another double-team gets two for Kofi. Sadly, Primo pulls down the ropes and Kofi splats on the floor to allow the champs to take over. Epico with a double arm suplex for two. He goes to an abdominal stretch (complete with Gorilla-approved foot placement), and the champs get a double-team dropkick for two. Primo goes to the chinlock, but Kofi fights out and makes the hot tag. It’s BONZO GONZO and Truth gets his downward spiral for the pin on Primo. Do Primo and Epico ever win matches or what? **1/2
Daniel Bryan and Sheamus have a verbal confrontation to try to establish an issue of some kind, and the topic is whether Bryan is lucky or not. He claims it’s skill, and tells AJ to shut up when she tries to interject her opinion. You know, if John Morrison did that more often, he’d still have a job. Just saying. And from there, we lead right into the main event.
Daniel Bryan, Cody Rhodes & The Miz v. Big Show, Sheamus & Randy Orton
Gosh, I wonder who does the job here? Cody gets worked over in the babyface corner to start and Orton stomps him down for two, but Cody gets a dropkick to escape. Over to D-Bry, who hits the dropkick in the corner for two on Orton. Over to Big Show, and that prompts Bryan to tag out to Miz. He gets nowhere and brings Cody back in, but Cody immediately tags back to Miz again. We take a break and return with Sheamus hitting the clothesline for two, but Miz pounds him down in the corner. Sheamus fights off the heels and pounds Cody with the forearms, but Bryan hits a vicious flying knee off the apron. Back in, Bryan drops knees and Miz adds a running low kick for two. Bryan adds the kicks to the chest, punctuating each one with “YES!” because he’s tremendous. Miz with a DDT for two and Cody gets a back elbow for two. Legsweep gets two. Sheamus fights back with the backbreaker and it’s hot tag Orton. The Wrestlemania opponents pair off and run away, leaving Orton and Miz. And you know how that one goes. RKO, goodbye. *** Kane attacks and they brawl into the crowd to end the show.
Didn’t read very good on paper, but aside from the GM-related nonsense this was a thoroughly entertaining two hours that breezed by.