The Martyrshow: At the Movies Part II and WrestleMania XXVIII Thoughts (John Cena, The Rock)
Last week I suggested some movies that WWE could make and four or five of you enjoyed it. Hollywood sequelizes everything these days, so why can’t I?
Before I hit you with this list, I need to clarify that Mel Gibson is out. As much as Hollywood would love to remake all of his movies, he doesn’t bring in the hits. I guess the whole anti-Semite thing kinda drives readers away from the wrestling section, dunno what I was thinking. To make it all better, today’s focus is none other than this glorious bastard:
- Henry: Landscape of an Overweight Jobber – Henry likes to lose to people, in different ways each time. Henry shares an apartment with Mae Young. When Vince McMahon comes to stay, we see both sides of Henry; the “World’s Strongest Man” and the “Sexual Chocolate”. Low budget movie, with some graphic birth scenes.
- Cobra – An Italian-Canadian pro-wrestler must protect the only surviving witness to a strange murderous heel stable with far reaching plans.
- Glengarry Jim Ross – The RAW superstars are given a strong incentive by Vince to succeed in he Royal Rumble contest. The prizes? First prize is a title shot at Wrestlemania, second prize is a run of dark matches, third prize is a pink slip on a pole match! There is no room for losers in this dramatically masculine world; only “main-eventers” will get the gold. There is a lot of pressure to succeed, so a robbery is committed which has unforeseen consequences for all the characters.
- Fella Begins – When his parents were killed, poor Irishman Sheamus O’Shaunessy relocates to America where he is mentored by Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco in how to fight bullies. When learning about a scheme to wipe out Superstars in Greenwich, Connecticut by Patterson, Sheamus heads out to house shows in an attempt to prevent this plan from getting any further.
- Otunga Mockingbird – David Otunga is a lawyer in a racially divided area of New York in the 90s. He agrees to defend an ageing white man who is accused of raping a former referee. Many of the townspeople try to get Otunga to pull out of the trial, but he decides to go ahead. How will the trial turn out, and will it change any of the racial tension in the town?
- 2013: A Brand Odyssey – Sometime in the distant past, someone or something nudged the evolution of the wrestling business by placing a superstar called Hogan in Greenwich. Evolution then enabled Vince McMahon to reach the overseas, where yet another Superstar named Sheamus is found, a Superstar that signals to The WWE Universe that the business has evolved too far. Now a race begins between The Anonymous RAW GM and Teddy Long to reach Fella’s placers. The winner will achieve the next step in evolution of the business, whatever that may be.
- The GM, The Game, His Wife and Otunga – The wife of a cerebral assassin engages in a secretive romance with a gentle lawyer between matches on RAW. Singapore canes, kayfabe, sex, burial, torture and nepotism are the exotic fare in this brutally uncompromising modern fable which has been interpreted as an allegory for McMahonism.
- The Great White – Sheamus raises the stakes in his war on bullies. With the help of the Exectutive Vice President of Talent Relations and Interm General Manager of RAW, John Laurinaitis, and District Attorney David Otunga, Fella sets out to dismantle the remaining heel stables that plague the locker room. The partnership proves to be effective, but they soon find themselves prey to a reign of chaos unleashed by an ageing heel known to the terrified citizens of The WWE Universe as The World’s Strongest Man.
- …And Otunga For All – An ethical Greenwich defense lawyer disgusted with rampant legal corruption is asked to defend a Superstar he despises in wrestler’s court. But if he doesn’t do it, JBL will find him in the shower and force him to do things he could never have possibly imagined.
- Plan 9 from PS Hayes – The decrepit Freebird formulates a maniacal scheme: Evil wrestlers attack Randy Orton and set a catastrophic heel-led era into motion. As the heels resurrect dead WWE Legends to destroy the roster, our stupid minds are in danger.
- Rambotunga: First Blood Match II – Former lawyer David Otunga is serving time in a federal prison. When Vince McMahon finds out that All-American American Jack Swagger is missing in action from the RAW brand, possibly still alive and held captive, John Laurinaitis is authorized to send Otunga out to rescue him. For Otunga, this is what he would do best. If only Vickie Guerrero would stop getting in his way…
In an ideal world, WWE would build on their partnership with SyFy and let some of the lower ranking wrestlers have cameos in whatever Mega Amphibian movie they’re in the middle of making…
EXT. FLORIDA EVERGLADES – DAY
That Salamander has to be 7ft tall and it’s coming right for us!
The salamander slowly creeps towards YOSHI as he looks for a steel chair in order to fend off the hell-beast.
My WrestleMania thoughts, funnily enough…
The Rock vs. John Cena
Rock wins? WWE is admitting that the product is shit compared to the Attitude Era.
Cena wins? We get Punk v Cena again and I don’t need to tell you who goes over.
Daniel Bryan vs. Sheamus
Sheamus isn’t ready yet, brother.
Daniel Bryan sucks when forced to work the WWE style.
CM Punk (c) vs. Chris Jericho
Jercho wins? Oh my god, imagine Jericho and The Rock coming out on top. Jericho needs to fuck off back to whatever tiny venues let his band preform.
CM Punk wins? I was watching some stuff from Raven’s run with TNA the other day, including matches which featured Punk doing all sorts of crazy shit, just like those early Chikara shows he appeared on, just like his ROH stuff and, well, fuck IWA Mid South. Ian Rotten is a piece of shit.
The point: Punk’s matches are as by-the-numbers now as Cena, Orton and whoever else the IWC is ragging on this week/month/year.
The Undertaker vs. Triple H
Cody Rhodes vs. Big Show
It’s like this whole PPV is built around WWE trying to convince people that it doesn’t suck right now BY USING GUYS FROM 10+ YEARS AGO! The only thing that’s making me want to watch it is the yet-to-be-announced Ace vs Teddy match, mostly because Santino looks to be involved.
I can’t be the only one here on Pulse that doesn’t give a shit about XXVIII, can I? Let me know in the comments.
Oh, before I go, just a quick update on El Generico…
- First one to spot him gets to be our new TNA recapper.
Tags: Anonymous GM, ask ric flair, chris jericho, cm punk, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, David Otunga, El Generico, Gerald Brisco, HHH, Hulk Hogan, jack swagger, jbl, Jim Ross, john cena, John Laurinaitis, Mae Young, Mark Henry, Pat Patterson, Santino Marella, Shaemus, Stephanie McMahon, Teddy Long, the big show, The Rock, the undertaker, Vickie Guerrero, vince mcmahon, wrestlemania, WWE, wwe studios, yoshi tatsu