Inside Pulse 11 Celebrating 11 years of pop culture

The Martyrshow: Boredom (WWE WrestleMania, TNA Victory Road, Cena vs. Rock and other stagnations)

I’ll preface this by saying I have an eye infection right now.  It’s just hard to write when using one eye and I’m not 100% why,  it’s not like I’m looking at two monitors or anything, but I’ve been avoiding the computer altogether for the last few days.  I missed out on the round-table for last night’s TNA PPV, but I gave iMPACT a miss this week anyway and I guess this column will explain why…

TELEVISED WRESTLING IS FUCKING BORING

That won’t cut it?  Come on, I’m in pain here.

I’m not like some of the writers here on Pulse, wrestling isn’t my life.  I know more about wrestling than your average fan, but ask any random IWC “member” and they’ll probably tell you the same thing.  FD Swayze knows more about wrestling than all of you, but even he has nothing to say at the moment.  We have the “Fistpump Screening Room”, a laid-back place where you can just shoot the shit and riff on whatever you’re watching, but even in there it’s like “Shit, RAW isn’t tonight, is it? Anything good on?”  Blair watches iMPACT because nobody else wants to (Scott Keith himself was gonna co-recap it last week before he came to his senses) and, I could go on all day here…

TNA has been the same since BFG.  I only say BFG changed things because Hoak Ogan isn’t taking up half the fucking show any more, but it’s the same shit every week.

Not that they show it over here, but ROH is a weird one.  I’m a massive fan of Jim Cornette and agree with everything he has said about booking in the numerous shoot interviews he’s been a part of, but that whole organisation needs an overhaul.  The ring looks dark, old and disgusting.  The roster appears to be largely comprised of guys FCW rejected.  They have the same matches all the time. Every single match runs roughly 10mins longer than needed…  Maria is hot as fuck though.

WWE? What do you remember about Lex Luger, Macho Man, Hulk Hogan, Ultimate Warrior, The Rockers, The Road Warriors, Vader Sting…  Or, a decade or so later, what do you remember about Edge and Christian, The Dudleys, The Hardy Boyz, DX, Raven and his flock, the NWO, Sting (again)…  Not all of them had skills on the microphone (hello, Hardys) or tremendous in ring talent (sup, Bubba and D-Von), but they all had a look.

It didn’t look like this!

Do you think it’s because of all the lighting they use these days?  Do you think it’s because it’s easier to make a set of action figures when everyone looks the same?  Do you think it’s just a coincidence that Cena is the only guy on that show with an iconic look? 

Aside from pretty much everyone dressing the same, they all wrestle the same style.  I know a lot of them have amateur backgrounds, some of them even have shoot-fighting backgrounds, so why send guys to OVW/FCW/wherever-the-fuck in order to undo years and years of learning?  Mah boy D-Bry (right here!) is a fantastic technical wrestler, but I know that from watching shit from his days before WWE signed him, not because i’ve seen him do anything interesting while feuding with Henry, Big Show, Sheamus and a bunch of other guys who shouldn’t even be under contract.  Yoshi Tatsu was a ninja before WWE signed him, A FUCKING NINJA!

Who’s bright idea was it to make everyone wrestle the exact same way?  I bet it was the same guy who then said “You’re not getting over, we’re pulling you from TV”.

Did you see this thing on the D-Bry facebook page?  It’s a sad state of affairs when kayfabe status updates are more entertaining than the shows these characters appear on.

Other stuff that makes it boring?  Look at their PPV schedule and explain to me why we need a PPV built around the concept of a fatal 4-way.  Keep in mind that Stephanie and the writing team are pretty much incompetent when it comes to what used to be known as “booking” a feud.  Think I’m being too harsh?  I’m sorry, but how many times did they do RAW vs Smackdown at Survivor Series?  How many times did they also come up with some sort of bullshit feud at the 13th hour in order to give Bragging Rights some sort of reason to exist?

While I don’t find the idea of watching HHH v Taker 3 all that thrilling, they’ve done the right thing with Hell in a Cell.  The reasoning behind using the cell is so spot-on that I’m willing to bet that Taker was the one who though of it.  Think it was HHH?  I can almost guarantee he had no hand in writing something which doesn’t feature him going over.  Anyway, HiaC is still on their list of PPVs for 2012 and you know that it’s gonna look like a bucket of shite compared to the Mania one.  See my point now?

Watching wrestling has become a chore and, as an inhabitant of the UK, I can think of about 1,218,907,258,263 things I’d rather do than stay up to 4am on a Tuesday watching RAW, 4am on a Friday watching iMPACT and 5am on a Monday for whatever PPV they expect us to buy/watch this month/fortnight.  Some of the things that list would include: watching something entertaining; thinking of ways to kill Jeff Jarrett, should he ever be stupid enough to fly over to Scotland and try to enter my house; going out of my way to infect the other eye and subsequently going blind; re-enacting the death of Owen Hart; sleeping.

Know Vince McMahon and think you can arrange a “sit-down” between the two of us?  Leave a horse’s head message in my bed the comments section.

Think this eye infection isn’t the the only health problem I’m suffering from?  Grab some tranquillizers, a straight-jacket and get ready to dance.

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