Greetings, my positively pumped pinterest pulsers! It is I, James “The Hetero Morrissey” Carter, and this is My Pinterest Is Piledrivers. You know, one day I’ll put some stuff on my actual pinterest. One day.
Before I dive in to my latest haphazard rambling, allow me to address (not undress) the minor hubbub brought about by the one-shot return of Mark Allen. First… I understand sarcasm is kind of hard to detect in the world of written words, but clearly I don’t think any of our writers needs to be “schooled” or “called out” by anyone. Especially since we have such a variety of viewpoints. CB and Rey Mundo are more positive than Magic Johnson (it’s cool, South Park made the joke first). On another end, there’s guys on here with the controversial opinion that TNA sucks and they have no idea what they’re doing. So something for everyone. If you disagree with someone’s opinion… then by all means, comment! It’s free! And you can use an alias like a coward! Or be like me, a real man who stands by his words with a real name and a real picture. The whole point of opinionated writing is to bring about discussion, so pats on the back or punches in the face, get in there and let your voice be heard. If you think you can bring something to the team, then by all means, as KON suggested, send in a sample. Let’s see what you got. The important thing to remember is this… I’m better than everyone.
But to show you that there’s some warmth in this cold, dead heart of mine, here’s five things I’m looking forward to regarding Wrestlemania.
1) Sheamus vs. Bryan- You know what? I actually like Sheamus. He’s big and unique-looking. He’s got three impressive finishers. He has a cool accent, and his character has stayed fairly consistent. Big Irish guy not afraid of a fight. And if you read my column last week (who am I kidding? Of course you did) then you know my thoughts on the Vicious Vegan. I think this match could be a quiet sleeper and take everybody by surprise.
2) Jericho vs. Punk- Two of my alltime favorites facing off? Jericho with his new “trollocaust” gimmick and CM Punk riding his wave of awesome? I’m there. God I hope they give this one some time, and God I hope they get those cool, special entrances that they trot out once a year. Speaking of which…
3) Special Entrances- In recent years, Wrestlemania has been the showcase for elaborate entrances. Last year Terra Ryzin had my current favorite:
Hey, do you think that there’s the next CM Punk crouching down and dressed like a Spartan?
4) Watching it with a big group of people– Some things are just better in a group. Horror movies, clubbing, sex. Wrestling is one of those things. Since, like Daniel Bryan, I don’t own a TV, if I’m able to I aim to catch it at a bar that’s showing it (which I need to check into). I also hope to indoctrinate Caitlin into the wide and wonderful world of wrestling. She’s the young Carrie Bradshaw who got turned onto the WWE via CM Punk’s anti-Chris Brown stance (also known as having common sense and decency). Wrestlemania is such a pop-culture, mainstream event now that it’s the perfect time to bring in new and curious fans. I encourage all of you, my loyal and loving acolytes, to do the same and bring in someone new to the fold. If only so they can shrug and say “eh, it’s not for me.” You will have done your best.
5) Marking Out- For three hours, fandom puts the cynicism aside and hopes for the best. For an HBK kicking out of the Tombstone. For a CM Punk grabbing that briefcase, twice. For an Edge spearing Mick Foley through a flaming table. This is your chance to feel like a kid again. So don’t worry about looking cool. Be as nerdy as you wanna be. Pump those fists, repeatedly stand up during near-falls, boo, cheer, hiss. For Sunday night, embrace the child. Metaphorically. Metaphorically!
You know, I do miss having a TV… and locals I know who like wrestling, because I’ve always wanted to do this: order the PPV and invite people over. Have food, a full living room, the works. Get real into it. Talk about how big of a jerk Jericho is or how you wish Ryder would wipe that smug look off Ziggler’s face or something. Whatever makes your friends question your maturity level and/or sanity. Then get real into a match with sketchy officiating and outside interference (it is wrestling, after all, and if they’re not bumping refs then they’re not doing their job). Make a production about opening up your laptop and sending an email to the WWE and CC’ing the state athletics commission of Florida in order to start enforcing stricter rules and regulations Turn to your friends and say “Guys, I’m sorry. I don’t know what kind of organization Vince McMahon is running here. If I knew it would be like this, I wouldn’t have asked you over. I’m so embarrassed.” Then, when INSERT HEEL HERE wins because INSERT OBJECT TO BE USED AS A WEAPON HERE is hit on the INSERT BODY PART HERE of PROBABLY ZACK RYDER WITH HIS LUCK., turn off the TV, stand up, apologize and say that everyone is free to go home, the night is ruined now. Then tape what happens and upload it to YouTube so the world can admire how big of balls you have.
The Great Beyond
I am so beat this week, I’m nodding off as I type. So I’ll just ask all of you, what am I missing? What are our suggestions? On anything, music, books, grown men in spandex, etc? I’m turning the tables and listening to others. First time for everything, eh?