Welcome to THE RAGER! I’m Chris! This is my twitter! I’m listening to Justin Timberlake! (That’s a perfectly normal thing for a straight male to say, right? Good)
THE RAGER was filmed in front of a live studio audience.
So I’m going to start this column by talking about Divas because I’m a wrestling hipster (as much as that pains me to admit but what else could explain my undying support of Chris Masters?)
My initial reaction to Beth’s injury on Raw was that it was legit because she went from over-confident character to a puddle of emotions and pain almost immediately. Of course, what should have been a obvious sign that it was storyline was the fact she dropped the belt in that match. One would think that if the injury was legit then the match would have still had the same outcome, just shortened (because I doubt Vince would get into the ref’s earpiece over a Divas match). Once I pieced it together that this just happened to occur at the only Divas title defense in quite a while and just before Kharma was rumored to return and all while The Bellas contract is quickly nearing its expiration.
So here’s my scenario:
There’s almost no way that Kharma is coming back and getting booed, so I say she comes back next Monday pissed as all hell because Bella chick #1 (I still don’t care enough to tell them apart) didn’t earn the belt. Kharma terrorizes the Divas until she gets a title opportunity, squashes Bella #1 and holds the belt until quality competition (Beth) reveals itself. All while The Bellas are shown the door to become models on The Price is Right or arm-candy for an awards show or just paid never to speak (those two and Kelly Kelly have the most obnoxious voices to me). This is a way to get me, a long-time Divas skeptic, interested in their division once again.
But onto the card for EXTREEEEEEEME RULES!
United States Championship Match: Santino (c) vs. Miz
Starting with the match that’s not even going to be on the show itself and there’s several ways one can take this booking. 1) Miz has fallen so far out of favor with the company that he’s been reduced to pre-show matches for mid-card belts a year after he was in the main even for WM27. 2) WWE decided to use these guys because they have faith in them to put on a good show for their first-ever youtube pre-show stream in an attempt to further their full-court press on youtube. Either way, I’ll say that Miz wins because he’s getting desperate at this point. Also, my definition of “several” is apparently “two.”
Intercontinental Championship: Big Show (c) vs Cody Rhodes
Screw this match, Cody should be far above this match-up against Show and that’s basically all there to say about this.
Falls Count Anywhere Match: Randy Orton vs Kane
And by “Falls Count Anywhere” I mean “into the audience opposite of the camera, chasing/slap-fighting up the stairs, onto the concourse, chasing/slap-fighting down the stairs, through the audience and ending in the ring.” I’m gonna assume this is gonna be all Orton to even the score from Mania and then win again in yet another match at Over the Limit to put an end to this feud and lead to a Orton title chance over the summer. Hooray for tidy, little bows to hold it all together.
Chicago Street Fight for WWE Championship: CM Punk(c) vs Chris Jericho
We got a great technical match between these two and now we get it again but with weapons! And the streets of Chicago! I’m assuming this will pretty much be the same as a Belfast Brawl but with Chicago stereotypes. However, both men have been amazingly entertaining over the course of this run and I’m loving every bit of it. Its hard to say Punk would lose to Jericho in his hometown but Punk already got his big hometown moment last year so I wouldn’t exactly put money in that stock just yet.
Side note: A couple weeks ago, I took part of Joel Leonard’s Wrestlemania 29 predictions and the longest limb that I went out on was saying that Colt Cabana would be in Punk’s corner. Wouldn’t it be interesting if a certain Colty Cabanaish-type person made an appearance on Sunday? Not that I’m actually expecting this to happen, I’m just REALLY wanting to look like a genius for predicting that.
2 Out of 3 Falls Match for Heavyweight Championship: Sheamus (c) vs Daniel Bryan
I don’t see how they don’t put the belt back on Bryan given the momentum he’s got going for him. Besides it makes sense to build Bryan up further so Orton has a strong heel to face when the two respective feuds are over. Sheamus just doesn’t have the fans backing up when put next to Bryan (and to be honest Orton might have some boo’s flying his way against Bryan).
Extreme Rules Match: John Cena vs Brock Lesnar
It hasn’t even been a month and I’m already bored with Brock and his laughable (not in a good way) promo antics. Sure, Brock’s mic skills have improved since his original WWE run but I still believe he needs a handler of some sorts (and it doesn’t even have to be Heyman). It was different with Cena and Rock because even though we had two guys that couldn’t lay a finger on each other for a whole year, both guys had formidable mic skills to sustain us for the better parts of a year (it wore off with me around month 9 or so). Anyway, to the match itself, I’m admittedly excited to see what kind of ring shape Brock is in. I’m guessing that the match is going to favor Brock to put John further into a corner but can lead to his triumphant victory at Over the Limit (in an ‘I Quit’ match as per tradition).
Random Guesses for the PPV:
We will see an impromptu tag team match between Zwaggler vs Funkawaggle (because every PPV should have Dolph and Brodus in it somewhere).
Sadly, I’m gonna assume we will see Lord Tensai at some point in the night…sigh.
Closing thought:
Have you ever had days where you would imagine yourself as a wrestler, what your finishing move would be, your nickname, ring music? Driving to work the other day and I realized that this would be awesome ring music (you thought I was gonna post another Justin Timberlake song, didn’t you?)
Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do twice,
Chris
The Answer: The alternate version of my ring entrance music for the ladies.
Also this guy
