Hello, and welcome to another review for IMPACT Wrestling!
I, as always, am your humble reporter, Justin Legacy, and here are the rules to my review:
If the Match/Segment is horrendous, it serves no purpose, cut way too short, drug out way too long, or has zero effect to the storyline/transition, I will give the segment an AWFUL.
If the Match/Segment somewhat accomplished it’s intended purpose, took too long to get there (prolonging the effect), was cut short (cheapening the effect), or have very little effect to the storyline/transition, I will usually give it a DECENT.
If the Match/Segment accomplished it’s purpose, was nicely timed/paced, accomplished what it intended, and had a good effect on the storyline/transition, I will give it a GOOD rating.
And the rarest of the rare. The GREAT rating is where the Match/Segment hit every, single, mark, there is (or very close to). It takes you in and envelopes you in a warm blanket of AWESOMENESS and makes you feel like you just went ten rounds with Kate Upton (…in bed…). I’m a very HARD grader (how hard?…Really hard…He hee…), and only about 10 times (off the top of my head) that I have given this out, it’s basically equivalent to 5-Stars in other circles.
By default, the segment/match rating starts at DECENT. It is up to the wrestlers/performers/entertainers (or whatever the hell they call themselves nowadays) to impress me.
Last week people had “technical difficulties”, and by this I mean the damn feed cut off at the beginning of the damn AJ Styles/Kurt Angle match…
But have no fear! TNA decided to replay the show from last week before this week’s show!
But have no NO fear! As if you didn’t; watch, care to watch, or didn’t have time to watch, I have decided to make your life much more gooder (Gooder?…Yes, gooder)…
So, feel free to click onto my article, HERE: http://wrestling.insidepulse.com/2012/04/20/legacy-noob-chronicles-tna-impact-wrestling-report-for-04-19-2012-bully-ray-jeff-hardy-rvd/
Read the zaniness and feed the craziness!!…Or not, but don’t come crying to me when you don’t know what’s going on…Mainly, because NO ONE knows what’s going on in TNA! (Hey-oooohhhh!!!)
And remember! This is TNA: “Cross the line…Into MADNESS!!”
TNA IMPACT WRESTLING
APRIL 26, 2012, 9pm EST (6am Asian/Columbo)
“LIVE” in the place that dare not speak it’s name, in front of people who wish to not be known!!
Scary, I know…But not as scary as a Hogan, or a Chyna, porno…Good God, imagine if those two did a homemade porn together…That would be like Freddy Kruger and Jason Vorhees being gay lovers…Anyway…OPEN FIGHT NIGHT…
SIDE NOTE: Wow, that hype video for Open Fight Night looks Bush League…Sorta like TNA, HEY-OOOOHHH!!!
But that leads to HOGANMANIA, BROTHER! AND BROTHER! WHEN HOGAN LAYS DOWN THE RULES, BROTHER, LITTLE KITTIENS WILL KILL LITTLE PUPPIES BECAUSE HOGAN SAID SO, BROTHER! (…and he tells all the Champions to be ready, and then he calls Magnus and Some Fat Guy the best Tag Team Champions, ever?…Then he said that Roode is the best TNA Champion today?…Wasn’t all his wins fluke-ish?…)
Either way, Hogan made the open challenge feature the Tag Team Champions, tonight!
SIDE NOTE: And yup! Hogan STILL looks like he snorted five Metabolifes before the show…
RATING: DECENT (Besides all of the GROSS over-estimation of certain champions, this served to set the tone for the rest of the night.)
DEVON vs. ???
Devon comes down to the ring, as the camera cuts to two grown-ass men with their face painted? Good God, grow up, nerds…
Anyway, Devon gets on the microphone and challenges Bully Ray?…Uhhh, isn’t CALVEZILLA™ WAY past Devon’s level on the TNA Depth Charts by now?…
CALVEZILLA comes out and asks the obvious question…Mainly if Devon is serious…Needless to say, CALVEZILLA wants no part of Devon and cuts a SHOORK™ on Devon about how he carried Devon for 15 years (15 YEARS!~) and that he doesn’t want to make Devon look good…Then he turns his back (DURR!~) which allows for Devon to proceed with the ass-whopping (and the busting up of CALVEZILLA’s dome-piece) to start the match!
DEVON vs. CALVEZILLA
One question? If the wrestlers technically didn’t get into the ring, but the bell rings, doesn’t this make the match a “Non-Sanctioned” Match?…I’m just saying because the damn bell rang while the two were fighting OUTSIDE THE RING!
Either way, the match was basically Devon wanting to beat the tar out of CALVEZILLA and CALVEZILLA using…Well…His CALVES to counter (Hey! Those things have been known to stop; small wars, large wars, dictators, Superman, Batman, Spiderman, various farm animals, and in some cases, impede Chuck Norris (but only for a couple of seconds)), and Devon trying to pick his counters.
Isn’t it me, or isn’t Devon the King of formulaic matches?…Wait?…FORMULAICMAN™! That will be Devon’s new nickname from here on out!…IT HAS BEEN SPOKEN!!
Either way, FORMULAICMAN countered CALVEZILLA and gets the HUGE upset and he is PSYCHED!
RESULT: FORMULAICMAN™ via pinfall @ 9:52.
RATING: GOOD (Nice job by these two and that was a good upset by Devon, both men obviously knew each other well, and both looked good out there.)
Aries goes on a rant on CALVEZILLA and promises revenge!
Flair goes on a rant about Eric Bisc***- Wait?…What happened to beeping out Eric Bischoff’s name?…
Dammit! Continuity went out the window again, and it didn’t even take two weeks!
TNA…Where continuity goes to die!….
Anyway, he hypes up the huge celebration later on…Is it too early to call tonight’s show “The Eric Show”?…Cause I have a feeling that this is where this is going…Oy Vey….
RATING: N/A (Too early to tell where this is going, but I really liked the beeping out of Eric’s name from last week…I SO approve the entertainment value in that…)
Jeremy Bolberdash, or whatever his name is, comes out to the ring and he wants some?…Huh?…He claims he has a lot of “senority” in TNA (isn’t that like saying that you’re the lone survivor of a Charlie Sheen drug party?)…
He goes and SHOORKS on Bischoff! And the guys backstage are LOVING IT! I don’t think that JB’s comments were all that planned, because those comments seem almost a little too real there…But DAMN, that dude got some BALLWZ™ for that rant on Bischoff, and he calls him out to boot because it’s Open Fight Night, and the fighting is open to EVERYONE!
Eric comes out to “hey-hey-goodbye” chants (they still do that? I thought that the countless “you’re fired” angles the WWE puts on (about 3 times every couple of months) made this type of reaction a little taboo)…
Eric gets on the microphone and distracts JB long enough for CALVEZILLA to get the low blow in! And Eric calls out a referee to count the pin?…When did this turn into an ACTUAL match?…And why wasn’t I notified of this! ASSISTANT?!
RESULT: ERIC BISCHOFF pinfall??…
RATING: DECENT (*Smacks around his assistant* What did!..I!…Tell!…You!… About!…Surprises?!…)
NHL PLAYOFF UPDATE TIME!!
Yes, my friends, the PLAYOFF GOTEE™ is in FULL EFFECT. And here is the current break down on what’s going on!
The New York Rangers won Game 7 and they are set to face the Washington Capitals in the Semi-Finals! The other Semi Finals matches are…
Los Angeles Kings vs. St. Louis Blues; Phoenix Coyotes vs. Nashville Predators; and the winner of the New Jersey Devils/Florida Panthers takes on Philadelphia Flyers.
CHUBBY ANDERSON™ goes on a rant about how Eric is the Devil backstage.
Mexican America comes out to the ring and demands respect!…Oh oh…Don’t they know that “demanding respect” is the quickest way to get a losing streak (WWE Booking 101™)…
And low-and-behold, Kurt Angle had enough and storms down to the ring…Hernandez distracts Angle, long enough for Anarquia to sneak attack Angle to begin the match!
ANARQUIA vs. ANGLE
*Sigh*… I told you so…
Pretty much, if you blinked, you missed this “match”. And DAMN™ Angle even grapevine his legs…Ouch…
RESULT: Angle via submission @ .00003 of a second (yes…it was that long…)
RATING: AWFUL (I REALLY hope they are going somewhere here, because at this rate, Mexican America is looking down the barrel of a LONG losing streak and by the time they get a title match, they’ll look like chumps…)
We get a hype video for our newest victim-I mean, wrestler, taking part as the 1st GUT CHECK wrestler, Alex Silva. I didn’t catch most of what the heck was going on due to playoff hockey, but it had an AL SNOW APPERANCE!~
Supposedly, Al Snow will be the “Head Judge” for this “contest”…I wonder if he’ll take the Simon Cowell role or the Jenifer Lopez role…Heh, I think he’s more of the Paula Abdul role (HEY-OOOOHHH!!!)…He goes on about Alex’s heart, and I keep wondering where’s Head?…Matter of fact, where’s Steve Blackman? I know damn-well that will be a MAJOR ratings boost for TNA!
Al Snow also introduces Alex and introduces his opponent Bobby, or Robbie, or Scottie 2 Hotty…I dunno…The Zack Ryder rip-off guy…As his opponent…
ZACK RYDER 2.0 vs. ALEX SILVA
The guy in the hot pink tights…Hot pink?…Oh-boi…SLAPS Alex and Alex goes GONZO BONZO™ on the Zack Ryder 2.0!
This match was quick, and wow, it was pretty much a wreck of a first match for the new guy…If you’re thinking that they are going to give the new guy SOME offense here, you’ll be sadly mistaken. Because Alex got NO offense here and he looked weak in this match.
I know that he isn’t supposed to win here, but could they at LEAST make him look somewhat dangerous here?…I mean, they spent all that time on making a hype video for Alex, couldn’t they at least matched it up with some offense in the match to show what the guy could do?
RESULT: ZACK RYDER 2.0 via pinfall @ 2:46.
RATING: AWFUL (Not enough offense by the up-and-comer, and it sort of makes the Gut Check deal look weak, but having the new guy go up against Ryder 2.0 wasn’t that good of an idea, either…)
Al Snow and the announcers advertises the Gut Check deal for more victims-I mean, wrestlers, to participate. They also ask for the fans to vote for Alex to get a contract?…
Wait? Hold up?…That sort of contradicts the HELL out of there being a need for judges if Twitter votes trumps Snow, and his “judge’s” vote…
I go to beat the holy hell out of my assistant while Dixie talks smack about how Eric Bischoff worked the hell out of her (…if that’s the case, than she better mention Hogan too because he’s “working” the BE-JESUS out of her worse than a hooker on a Saturday night!)!
After a thorough beating, I come back and IT’S HOGANMANIA, BROTHER! HOGAN LOOKS AT ALL HIS BOTHERS IN HIS OFFICE, AND BROTHER, HE WANTS TO BROTHER THEM SO HARD, BROTHER!
The craziness ensues as Some Bald Guy burned the hell out of everyone in the room, MCMG’s talk about their resume, Anderson makes-out with Hardy’s cheek as Hogan says that they’re the two best pieces of talent in TNA (which probably means that the ceiling must be pretty damn low over there, Hey-oooohhhh!!), and Macho-Man-Rape-Face offers ODB to Hogan (ooooohh…That has Batista-Melina written all over it…and another disgusting homemade porno release…).
So, with such an easy decision, Hogan eliminates MCMG’s from the equation?…Uh…Huh?….
RATING: N/A (*Too busy beating the hell out of my assistant cause; THIS! MAKES! NO! SENSE!*)
Brooke Test-something-er-other comes out to the ring and uses her Open Challenge to call out Gail Kim as the crowd goes mild…
Oh!…That Asian Chick IS Gail Kim, it all makes sense now!!
Brooke Test-something-er-other vs. That Asian Chick
Nice underwear there Brooke (hey, I’m from Dallas and I approve…).
A good back-and-forth match between these two ladies. Gail took the ultra-arrogant Champion approach here while Brooke used her over-confidence to win the match and prove that train-wreck from last week wasn’t a fluke.
RESULT: Brooke Test-something-er-other wins via pinfall @ 3:53.
RATING: DECENT (Nice little match, and the ladies did a nice little job out there for the time they were given)
Some Bald Guy and Mr. Buzzcut talks trash about their competition while Mr. Buzzcut threatens AJ Styles with a secret…Ooooohhhhh…Oh no he did-n’t….
Meanwhile, they go to a RVD/Roode hype video for their match at the next PPV. I like these videos, too bad I don’t really care too much about seeing RVD as a Champion.
MEANWHILE, we go back to Al Snow talking to Alex Silva about the Gut Check deal. In pops Roode, he talks smack and- NUTSHOT!~
Awww….Isn’t that cute, the new guy is already getting ribbed back stage…That’s some good old sportsmanship right there, I tell you what…
And MEANWHILE to THAT meanwhile, PUMPKIN HOGAN™ eliminates ODB and Macho-Man-Rape-Face from the Tag Team Title match…Wait?…Why in the hell did they make it THIS far?…Crap!…ASSISTANT!!!…Dammit!…
And to finish off, we go to Garrett, who ends this debauchery by talking about Eric…Sigh…Could we PLEASE get The Eric Show™ over with already…
RATING: AWFUL (There was really ONE GOOD segment, and one DECENT segment, in this whole litany of crap-tastic angles…Now, if you don’t mind me, I’ve got to drive to the hospital to “Steve Austin” my assistant so I could cleanse my mind of this idiocy!)
The Penn Jillette look-alike confronts CALVEZILLA™ about the whereabouts of his brother. CALVEZILLA tells him to shove it.
Meanwhile, Some Fat Guy and Magnus comes out. Mr Buzzcut and Some Bald Guy follows, followed by CHUNKY ANDERSON™ and CRACK HARDY™.
PUMPKIN HOGAN™ comes out and he makes the Tag Team Championship match Magnus and Joe versus Anderson and Hardy because Daniels and Kazarian are a cohesive team?…
*Slowly looks up blankly*….ASSISTANT!!!!!
TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSIP MATCH
MAGNUS AND JOE vs. HARDY AND ANDERSON
This match had some disjointed moments, like when Magnus decided to break-up a double clothesline via a boot to the…Uh…Where the hell was that boot to, anyway?…I guess, that Magnus was asleep at the wheel there…
Basically, the story was of the Cohesive Champions versus the Dis-Organized Challengers. The Challengers have good offense, but ONLY when they aren’t fighting each other. while the Champions having good offense WHILE the Challengers argue.
Uh…Wait, wait, wait, WAIT?!…Wasn’t the rules of this match supposed to be under REGULAR TAG TEAM RULES?…Then why in the HELL was the referee counting the pin when Hardy pinned Joe? (who were NOT LEGAL at the time in the match)
Joe counters Anderson into a choke-hold headlock (that was STILL 1/10ths of an Orton Headlock™) and Anderson tapped while Magnus held Hardy’s foot to almost no crowd response.
RESULT: WINNERS and STILL TNA TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!! MAGNUS and SAMOA JOE! via submission @ 10:52.
RATING: DECENT (Was heading into the GOOD territory, but there was too much that took away from this match…Like the; choice of opponents, awkward moments, and inexplicable rules change mid-match, took a lot away from a really good match)
MAIN EVENT SEGMENT:
Oh boy…The Eric Show™ finishing the night?…DURR!~
This is going to be a TRAIN-WRECK, and not the good type of train wreck, where the participants walk out unharmed, have a party with confetti thrown in the air, while unicorns come in and serve me Long Island Ice Teas all night long…
By the way, since I’m such a “consummate professional”, I’m going to do REAL TIME PLAYOFF UPDATES while this is going on!
Flair starts out as the crowd chants “hey-hey-goodbye”…Hey CALVEZILLA!! Slowly step away from the Eric Bischoff poster…Crazy bastard looks like he’s about to face-hump that poster…
Playoff Update: Faceoff at the New Jersey Devils’ end of the ice! Devils win and have the advantage!
Eric Bischoff comes down to the ring and takes a- DAMMIT CALVZILLA, easy “Tiger”, the guy looks like he’s 10-seconds away from dry-humping Eric’s leg!
Playoff Update: Devils loose possession at the center line, and Panthers quickly tries to get the counter. 2-1 Devil’s lead!
Flair’s still on the microphone and says Dixie should be on her knees to keep Eric around…Wait?…Wasn’t she on her knees in the Hogan porno? (Hey-ooooohhhh!!!)
Playoff Update: Nice back and forth, aggressive Playoff Hockey! Devils tries to press, but the Panthers counter and they get a 2-on-1 breakaway but Brodeur stands on HIS HEAD! He stops the one-timer!
Everyone in the ring thanks Eric. They give Eric a Rolex watch piece.
Playoff Update: Still some INTENSE Playoff back and forth Hockey! But Devils gets called for a fluke-ish penalty, Panthers Power Play!
THANKFULLY, The Eric Show™ is interrupted by Garrett and JB?…Wasn’t his balls in a sling a while ago?…
Anyway, they put him in the “Shed of Shame”…And by “Shed of Shame”, they mean a Port-a-Potty, and by him, I mean Eric Bischoff. Now, I know what I would do…I would tip over-Oh…Yeah, they tipped over the Port-a-John and Eric is covered in pooty-pies…He vomits and I get my ONLY enjoyment of the ABORTION of an angle.
Playoff Update #1: The Predators SCORE! 2-2 tie that pushes the game into Overtime!
Playoff Update #2: The New Jersey Devils score he winning goal in Overtime! 3-2, Devils take the win and advance to the Semi-Finals! The last Semi-Finals match is set! New Jersey Devils vs. Philadelphia Flyers!
SEGMENT RATING: GOOD (It ACTUALLY had a good ending…For once! Now, PLEASE send Garrett to OVW for more training?…)
NHL PLAYOFF RATING: SUPER GREAT! (Because this year’s NHL Playoffs have been EPIC so far!)
IMPACT RATING: DECENT (Only a couple of shinning moments in a Sea of MIND-FREAK CONFUSION! Oh God…Well, now we transfer from The Eric Show™ to The Hogan Show™?…And I don’t mean to rain on goodness of this angle ending, but I PRAY that later on down the road, Eric doesn’t come back and we have a JB vs. Eric Bischoff deal that reminds us of that “epic” encounter that was Heyman vs. Cornett…Cause my mind would equal BLOWN if that happens…)
Tags: Bobby Roode, Brooke Tessmacher, Brother Devon, Bully Ray, Christopher Daniels, Eric Bischoff, Eric Young, Frankie Kazarian, Gail Kim, garrett bischoff, Hulk Hogan, Jeff Hardy, magnus, mr anderson, ODB, RVD, Samoa Joe