The Reymundo Raw Recap of the post pay-per-view Persistent People Power Program!
Alliteration. GET SOME!
***
So, I haven’t watched a full episode of Raw since the night after WrestleMania. No, not because of the lack of The Rock, but mostly because I just… haven’t… cared. Not about Brock Lesnar, not about Punk vs Jericho vs x Alcohol *division sign* Punk’s Family, not about The Funkasaurus or The Miz’s goofy haircut. It just hasn’t done anything for me. That being said, when fearless leader Woodro said he needed someone to cover Raw for tonite, I jumped at the opportunity.
Well, that’s not true. I stopped scratching and replied via iPhone that I’d do it… at the opportunity.
Anyway, I saw the pay-per-view last nite at my buddy Jon’s house and I dug what I saw right up until The Big Show went and turned heel (again) by knocking out John Cena. Thus, we are now awaiting our 3rd John Cena vs The Big Show feud of the last 8 years. The rest of the show was cool though, lots of wrestling and they saved the shenanigans for the last match.
All right, that’s enough of that. Get ready for some Suspension of Disbelief style fun over the next two plus hours.
Oh, also, I’m totally winning the Yahoo Invitational Beer Pong Tournament this Saturday.
(sorry, had to be done)
Let’s get to the recap!
***
It’s the signature! Which they’ve added Mark Henry to. Nice one, Mizark.
We open with a screen-cap version of the main event from last night’s Over The Limit pay-per-view. It’s Cena’s pummelling of Johnny Ace intercut with the douchey things he’s done to various WWE personnel. They show him firing The Big Show (Mr. Show? Old Man show? The Big Showbowski?) and then Show in the ring last nite knocking John Cena the entire frick out. Cena kisses canvas, Johnny covers him, gets the pin and keeps his job and people in the audience look sad. I think it’s Carpathian Kitten Loss ripping through the North Carolina State crowd.
We’re live in the arena from Richmond, Virginia. Fun fact: Richmond is the home of my super pretty friend Mollie. The Champ is here! John Cena marches down to the ring wearing his green shirt, jorts, and a look of determination. Cena grabs the mic and wants to speak on this. The highlights:
~ Cena says he’s lost matches before but when it happens he accepts it, congratulates his opponent, and moves on. He asks “What the hell!?” and can barely get the words, “John Laurenaitis beat me” out of his mouf. He wonders how it could happen in the first place and yells in frustration.
~ He says Johnny Ace is a selfish, power-hungry bully who got a taste of his own medicine last nite. He says everyone had a blast last nite, that Ace got his tail whipped and that everyone had fun.
~ He says Big Show came down, brought Ace to the ring, and then Cena gave Show a nod that he said, “I got this,” and that Laurinaitis would be terminated. Show then knocked him out.
~ Cena says he knows people think he should’ve made Laurinaitis tap earlier but that Show would’ve come out regardless. He says he’s proud of what he did to the Raw/Smackdown GM, but he’s mad at Show for selling out. He says he doesn’t know what Show is thinking and there is no explanation for what happened.
~ Cena says regardless of who was the GM — Vickie, Teddy, a guy in the 3rd row, “Hell, bring the computer back!” — they would’ve brought The Big Show. He says they’re stuck with this People Power garbage and that’s Show’s fault. He mocks Johnny’s voice, says this is crap, and out comes Eve.
Side bar — Eve is Super Hot.
Cena says, “Wow, John you got really hot but you still suck.”
*cue Hoeski chant and boos*
Eve introduces Johnny Ace as “The man who beat John Cena last nite.”
Johnny comes out in a rascal scooter decked out in “People Power” logos and decals, along with a crutch and a look of anguish.
Johnny says:
~ After the match he was rushed to the emergency room with possible damage to his ACL, PCL, his knee, possible spinal injury, multiple contusions, and a possibly broken clavicle. He says he can’t move his left arm or leg which might indicate potential nerve damage.
~ He says he proved last nite that when he’s in the ring he’s a fierce competitor, and when he’s out of the ring he’s a WWE executive, and that Cena and everyone else should know they can’t lay a finger on him again or else they’ll be immediately Kindergarten Copped. Er, terminated.
~ Laurinaitis says he brought back a man on Saturday, a man he gave a big bonus to, a man John Cena will be facing a man at the Izod Center on June 17h at No Way Out, and that man is a walkin’ out.
Well… it’s The Big Show.
#PunctuationFun
Show has a microphone and a sharp grey suit. Show be sayin’:
~ He’s sure John and everyone else wants an explanation but no one is entitled to one. Show says last week he was on his knees begging for his job.
(crowd be booing)
~ Show says no one loves this business more than he does — fans, superstars, production and technical crew. He says everyone saw a grown man crying on television.
(crowd chants “You’re a sell out!”)
~ Show says he got no sympathy but did what anyone else would have done. He says he has an iron clad contract and he’s proud of it. How dare anyone judge him, Show says.
~ He says he’ll judge Cena on June 17th and there will be no way out, because he will knock John Cena out.
Show skedaddles to the back, Cena looks on in disgust, and out comes DAVID OTUNGA! Yes!
Otunga says:
~ Cena lost to his boos, and now it’s time for Cena to lose to him.
John says:
~ He’s not in the mood, that Otunga should go in the back and watch Law and Order reruns cuz if he gets in the ring with Cena, Cena will hurt him.
Otunga says:
~ So be it, but then says to wait a minute, and dedicates the match to John Laurinaitis.
Otunga poses, his awesome entrance music hits, and we’ll have that match next!
COMMERCIAL!
***
We’re back with a recap of what happened MOMENTS AGO.
Cena and Otunga are in the ring.
Match stuff:
~ Cena charges Otunga as Super Hot Eve and Possibly Potentially Injured Johnny Ace looks on. Otunga bails outside the ring, Cena gives chase and looks angry. Cena charges the ring, Otunga bails again. Otunga ends up luring Cena in the ring and starts giving John the scott Farkus beatdown before posing.
~ Cena takes control with punches and a couple of clotheslines. He informs Laurinaitis that he can’t see him, Adjusts Otunga’s Attitude, then locks in the STF and refuses to braek the hold.
Post match, Titus O’Neil, Darrekn Young, Tyler Reks, and Curt Hawkins start beating down Cena. Sheamus’ music hits, he runs over Laurinaitis on his way down, and Sheamus (with a new t-shirt) helps Cena clean house.
Side note — Sheamus’ new shirt is AWESOME.
Laurinaitis says he didn’t give Reks, Hawkins, O’Neil, and Young permission and to go the locker room. He says it looks like the audience likes to see them in action, and in the name of People Power, they’ll be teaming up in a 2 on 3 handicap match.
(please be the Freebirds, please be the Freebirds)
He says it’ll be a 2 on 3 handicap LUMBERJACK match. Free plaid shirts for everyone! The people demand plaid shirts! PLAID! PLAID! PLAID! PLAID!
Eve’s smokin’ hot self leads Johnny Ace back, Cena raises Sheamus’ hand, and Cole tells us that Randy Orton will be taking on Alberto Del Rio later tonite.
King says that Daniel Bryan will call out C.M. Punk later after last nite’s controversial finish.
COMMERCIAL!
***
Did you know that last night’s pay per view was mad socially active? Totally was. I wouldn’t bullpoop you.
We’re back in the ring with Ricardo Rodriguez (no relation), who looks smug and Uncle Festerish. Santino Marella’s music interrupts though and he power walks his cobra down the aisle (not a metaphor).
Santino grabs the mic:
~ He says he’s been listening to Ricardo for some time and he can’t understand anything he’s saying. He says Ricardo’s accent is “ridikoolass,” almost as ridikoolass as his eyebrows. He says Ricardo doesn’t rrrroll his rrrrrs and doesn’t know anything about introductioning. Ricardo rolls, but not well enough.
Santino and Ricardo are in an “R” roll off, which is broken up by a feigned Cobra’ing. Ricardo moves and gets two for flinching. Somehow, Ricardo’s jacket gets tangled and Santino hits him with the Cobra for livin’.
Santino introduces Alberto Del Rio, with special emphasis on rolled R’s.
Side note — Ruffles have ridges.
Cut to Cole who leads into a video package announcing how many episodes WWE Monday Night Raw has. 1,000 episodes, to be celebrated when Raw goes to three hours starting July 23rd. So. Yeah.
Del Rio is out in a Rolls Royce Silver Cloud, and looks pensive. He is mourning the mauling of his manservant.
(Get some!)
And… Are we really… Yes. First the cobra, then the viper, but before all of that…
COMMERCIAL!
***
Wesa back and out slithers Randy Orton. He’s got a booboo on his nose from last night’s Fatal 4-Way match up against Del Rio, Sheamus (the winner), and Chris Jericho.
Michael Cole mentions something about Twitter and… Wait. When did WWE get on Twitter? They never mention it! Speaking of twitter, I’m @ElKatook, and I’m improper.
(Randy is still posing, so I had the chance to plug).
Match stuff:
~ Headlock by Randy to start, but Del Rio delivers some kicks and punches to Orton’s breadbasket before Randy recovers with a bodyslam. Orton misses a flying knee, Del Rio up and starts punching and kicking Randy’s shoulder.
~ Orton starts a’stomping and then lands the flying knee. Randy gets some mounted punches, but the crowd only gets to count to four. Bastards. Wrestlers not giving ten punches on the turnbuckle is like a truck driver not blowing their horn when you give them the, “Hey truck driver, honk your horn!” sign.
Del Rio slips out of Orton’s grasp (pause) and sends Randy outside the ring, which long-time fans know is a sign that we’re on a collision course with a…
COMMERCIAL!
***
~ We be back and Del Rio is going to work on Randy Orton’s shoulder. Del Rio attempts a pin but only gets a two count. Del Rio hits a wicked flying stomp, attempts another pin but only gets the two count. Cole lists Del Rio’s accomplishments as Del Rio hits a big kick on Orton before calling Randall a “Perro” before missing a splat on Orton and landing outside the ring.
~ Orton capitalizes with his snap power slam and then hits the second rope DDT. The voices start screaming at Randy to pound the mat for an RKO, but just then CHRIS JERICHO gets in the ring and takes out Randy with a code breaker. The ref calls for a disqualification and the Richmond crowd unfavorably compares Jericho with a Dyson vacuum.
Jericho grabs the mic:
~ Jericho says he’s the best in the world at what he does. He says HE IS THE BEST IN THE WORLD AT WHAT HE DOES. He asks if Orton understands, then repeats that he is THE BEST IN THE WORLD AT EVERYTHING HE DOES, and then delivers another codebreaker before stomping the mat and screams some more.
~ He asks if Orton understands, gives a scary look, and goodness, Jericho looks crazed and intense. He repeats that he’s the best in the world, thinks about leaving, but goes back in the ring, gets face to face with Randall Keith Orton and then delivers a THIRD codebreaker.
Randy Orton is out cold, Jericho is livid and walking out of the ring. King says Jericho came out to make a statement and make one he did.
(this was pretty cool. i picked a good Raw to reycap! pun intended!)
Orton as a tiny spot of blood on his forehead and we go to a graphic for the Handicap tag team lumberjack match where Cena and Sheamus will team up against three unknown peeps.
They show Daniel Bryan walking towards the ring and we are treated to a…
COMMERCIAL!
***
We are back live on Monday Night Rey Mundo!
Danyel Bryan looks like someone told him he was just about the perfect guy, just not the perfect guy for them as he makes his way down to the ring.
Side note — Yes, a girl did tell me that. Sider Note, two girls told me that. Sidest note, That’s right, ladies. I’m single.
The crowd chants “Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!” and D-Bry grabs the mic.
Daniel be saying:
~ He should be standing before the crowd as the new WWE champion. He says if you missed the pay per view, to see it for yourself. They show Punk tapping, but not the part where the ref counted to three. D-Bry chants “Tap! Tap! Tap! Tap!”
~ Bryan asks if he made Daniel Bryan tap, the crowd says no, Bryan says — and you’re never gonna see this coming — “Yes!” He asks if he should be champion, crowd says no, Bryan says yes. The crowd is chanting “No” at him and it’s a pretty great give and take.
~ Bryan says it was the gross incompetence of a referee that has kept him from being the chant and demands a rematch. This brings out Charles Montgomery Punk, microphone in hand.
(let’s have some fun with this, shall we?)
Punk was all: “Lemme clear up controversy, our match was mad good, thanks for the battle, but you forgettin’ dat I beat you 1-2-3 in da center of da ring. I pinned u, and I’d luv 2 settle dis but I gotsta remind you of what happened on Smackdown last Friday.”
(they show Bryan hitting 7 foot evil monster Kane with a steel chair and then Kane flipping poop on Punk)
Punk then went: “Dat was pretty clever, and here iz yo’ opponent for dis evenin’.”
And out comes Kane! The Devil’s Favorite Demon! The Big Red Machine! The master of Tierra Misu! The former ambassador to the Federated States of Micronesia!
We’ve got Punk on commentary and Kane in the ring, and Daniel Bryan looks concerned.
Match stuff:
~ Bryan hits a couple kicks to Kane’s quads (GET SOME!), but Kane quickly takes control. A few punches, a clothesline, but then D-Bry hits a dropkick onto Kane in the corner.
~ Kane attempts a chokeslam but it didn’t work. Bryan shoves Kane to the outside and then lands a flying tackle on Kane.
~ Punk says he needs a closer look, grabs a chair, but Bryan grabs it. Kane sees Bryan with the chair and then delivers a big boot. Kane begins beating Bryan with the chair and Punk is delighted with this whilst on commentary.
Bell rings, and I take it D-Bry wins via DQ.
Kane throws Bryan in the ring and delivers a chokeslam. Kane ponders an exit, but decides another chokeslam would be more fun. The crowd chants “One more time!” but Kane is a bad guy and shan’t cater to the residents of Richmond. Punk says he’s gonna make sure Daniel Bryan is okay and then makes his way into the ring, his face a mask of concern.
Punk checks on Bryan and, demonstrating the care and kindness that made him an All-County EMT, puts Daniel Bryan in the Anaconda Vice. Punk mocks Bryan’s “Yes!” chant and smirks over the body of the writhing Daniel Bryan.
King plugs the handicap lumberjack match featuring John Cena and Sheamus vs Noob Saibot, Smoke, and Reptile.
A package plugging the blu-ray for WrestleMania XXVIII is on and I smirk because my guy won.
Also, I’m winning the Beer Pong Tournament on Saturday.
COMMERCIAL!
***
We’re back, and A.J. bounces on over to C.M. Punk. She says she enjoyed seeing him beat up Daniel Bryan. Punk says A.J. isn’t crazy, she’s sadistic. He says that she has to know she’s the one that’s been acting like a fool this whole time. A.J. starts crying and Punk is perplexed. He very awkwardly gives her a hug to try to console her, but he has the same look on his face I had the last time I had to get a vaccination. He says for A.J. to stop crying and she does instantly. Punk looks at her, says he’s always dug crazy chicks, and walks away. A.J. starts to wimper again and we’re done there.
We go to a recap of Paul Heyman talking to Triple H last week, saying he’s gonna see Hunter in court. I loved this even though I hate Brock Lesnar.
Cole says HHH is at WWE HQ in CT, and King says if they think they’re gonna scare Hunter, they’re wrong. Cole says Hunter isn’t used to this kind of fight, but if you’re curious as to whether or not Brock has a case, go to wwe.com.
Justin Roberts then introduces Captain Charisma and we have Dodgson! WE’VE GOT DODGSON HERE!
Oh, no. We have Christian. He’s sporting his newly-won InterContiMnental Championship belt and he’ll be in action tonite.
However, it’s time to pay some biggity bills.
COMMERCIAL!
***
We’re back, and Jinder Mahal Badalandabad is taking on Christian in a non-title match. Mahal is in control with some knees to Christian’s chest and a sweet double arm suplex.
~ Christian is back in control and hits the Jump-to-the-Floor slap to the face. He nails the 2nd rope back elbow and signals for the killswitch. Mahal reverses and hits a huge Tiger Knee to the mush of Christian.
~ Christian recovers, hits the killswitch, and then climbs to the top rope to land a frog splash. Not a bad rendition of it at all. Christian gets the pin!
Christian climbs to the second rope to celebrate with his peeps, they plug the Handicap Lumberjack match, and then show my favorite WWE Diva, Kelly Kelly, smilin’ and struttin’ down to the ring.
I’m gonna take a cold shower during the next…
COMMERCIAL!
***
A graphic showing tweets reacting to The Big Show’s out knockage of Jonathan Sebastian Cena is places on the screen as we come back to Raw. They replay the clip of Show saying it’ll be NO WAY OUT for Cena, and then out comes…
KELLY KELLY!
So hot. So. Hot. And nice too, I met her at Comic Con last July, a feat that, on the Bragging Rights scale, earns me more points than getting to 3rd base with an ugly chick.
Anyway, Kelly x 2 is in the ring and down comes her opponent, the Glamazon, Elizabeth Phoenix.
Match stuff:
~ Mounted punches and some stomps by Beth to Kelly, followed by a bodyslam and an elbow and leg drop to the boobal region of K2. Layla is shown looking on in the back.
~ Kelly fights back with tiny punches and a frankensteiner into a pinning combo that Beth kicks out of. Beth recovers with a huge clothesline and then rubs Kelly’s face into the mat before lifting her up by her hair and slamming her down. *sad face*
~ Beth throws Kelly into the corner, attempts a Stingette splash but K2 moves! Kelly is on offense and lands that spinning hurry-ken-ranna.
~ Kelly attempts the backflip elbow thingamajig but Beth hits her with a big double axe handle in the back of her dome piece. Beth hits the Glam Slam and gets the pin, and Layla is shown looking on disapprovingly.
(i’m censoring a boner joke here because i’m a man of class and sophistication).
Now that that pesky “match” thing is out of the way, they show some more tweets, this time from WWE superstars.
John Laurinaitis is shown in the back, riding the People Power Moped down to the ring, smilin’ bright. They show a clip for the WCW Clash of the Champions DVD that’s coming out, which means they’re about to head to a…
COMMERCIAL!
***
Yay for Royal Pains coming back!
Another advert for the 1,000th WWE Monday Night Raw is played. 3 hours starting 7/23/2012 and I remain skeptical. Bah.
Back in the arena, Sheamus and his new awesome t-shirt are out (the front says “Brogue Kick Hooligans,” and I can’t front, I might cop that. It’s genuinely cool, not just wrestling t-shirt cool). John Cena is out next and he’s in full on match mode. Talkin’ to the camera man, fixing his ugly shirt, saluting the crowd, and sprinting down to the ring.
Side note — At this time I’d like to give my guesses for their opponents: I say The Genius and The Bushwackers!
Oh, wait. Vickie’s out. I see where this is going. Since I’m at it though, Vickie Guererro could get it, early. #Respectfully
She introduces Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger. They look like Alpha Betas, but the Alpha’s from “Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise.” Their mystery partner is Lord Tensai.
The Lumberjacks come down to the ring… Drew McIntyre, Alberto Del Rio, Hunico, Camacho, Carlito, Primo, Jinder Majal, David Otunga, Titus O’Neil, Darren Young, Tyler Reks and Curt Hawkins.
Match stuff:
~ As John Laurinaitis looks on, Ziggler and Sheamus start things off. Big flap jack by Sheamus on Ziggler that earns The Great White a two count. Cena tagged in, but Ziggler scoots on his posterior to the corner where he tags in Jack Swagger.
Side note — Andrew Wheeler was right, Jack Swagger has Bigg Tannen Swag.
~ Big takedown of Swagger by Cena, and Swagger tags in Lord Tensai. Tensai sends Cena into the heel corner, the heels beat up John, and then Swagger tags back in. He tosses Cena into the neutral corner, tries a Swagger Bomb, but misses.
~ Cena tags in Sheamus who immediately lands a clothesline and a knee to Swagger, followed by a powerslam and cover that gets interrupted by Ziggler, who Sheamus throws to the outside.
~ Tensai comes in and starts throwin’ punches at Sheamus before tossing Sheamus to the outside. The Lumberjacks go to work on Sheamus, who fights off the first three and then charges into the remaining. Sheamus is back in the ring but Tensai is waiting with a couple of big stomps.
~ The crowd, fancying themselves clever, chants “Albert” while Sheamus takes a beating from Ziggler and Swagger. Tensai is in the ring with a tight chin lock on Sheamus, and it’s so intense we have to go to a…
COMMERCIAL!
***
We’re back with Sheamus punching Swagger, but Swagger shakes it off to put the ankle lock on Sheamus and drag the World Heavyweight Champ to the corner. Sheamus and Tensai trade blows (pause pause) and Tensai lands a big splash to the back of Sheamus, who was in the turnbuckle. Tensai then tosses Sheamus outside, and the lumberjacks take some shots at Sheamus before tossing him back in the ring. Tensai lands several headbutts before tagging in Swagger.
~ Sheamus tries to battle back but a well-timed drop toe hold helps him reposition Sheamus back towards the enemy corner. Ziggler tagged in and he dances around a bit before kicking Sheamus.
~ Sheamus has Ziggler up for the Celtic Cross, but Ziggler wiggles out and hits a rocker dropper for a two count. Sheamus is crawling for the corner but Ziggler grabs him to hold him. Swag is tagged and he pummels Sheamus some more.
~ The Big Show is out on the stage, looking on ominously. Back in the ring, Swagger has Sheamus in an arm bar and, unrelated, I just yawned. Sheamus is trying to headbutt Swagger to release the hold and it works! Um, except Swagger grabs Sheamus in a horizontal bear hug (pause pause pause) to prevent him from tagging.
~ It’s 11:00pm, Tensai is in the ring, and I openly fantasizing about getting horizontal in my bed. Sheamus, using my barbs as fuel, hits a few punches, but Tensai takes Sheamus down.
Side note — this is incredibly effective tag team wrestling. Quick tags, cutting the ring off… The 80s would be proud.
~ More quick tags, Tensai to Ziggler to Swagger, but Sheamus starts to snap and throws punches left and right. He creates enough space and then lands the rolling senton on Swagger!
~ HOT TAG! HOT TAG! FIVE MOVES OF CENANESS ON ZIGGLER!
~ YOU CAN’T SEE ME! Five Knuckle Shuffle, but before he can hit, the lumberjacks are “mauling” Sheamus. Cena goes to rescue him, but the lumberjacks have dropped the facade and are administering a beatdown to both.
~ HERE COME THE TROOPS! Punk! Kofi! Truth! Christian! Santino! We’ve officially got a pier six brawl, a donnybrook! Brodus Clay! The Great Khali! Big Zeke!
Cena leaves the ring to go find The Big Show, and now the separatists and the republic are fighting!
Cena sees Laurinaitis in the back, asks for The Big Show’s whereabouts. Johnny says he doesn’t know, says Cena will get fired if he touches him.
Just then, a huge fist comes out to blast Cena upside his head and knock him out cold.
The Big Show stands over the prone body of John Cena, glares back at Johnny Ace, and the show be over.
***
Whew!
Not a bad show at all, and I had a lot of fun doing this. I got tired at the end, but that’s cuz I was up early and I’m sleepy headed right now.
Thanks for tuning in to my rambles, raves, and reservations regarding wrestling.
(GET! SOME!)
–Rey Mundo
Rey Mundo is a little teapot, and is totally going to win the 8th Annual Yahoo Invitational Beer Pong Tournament this Saturday!
