It’s with mixed feelings that, every summer, I flip through a gallery of the latest Bachelor Pad. Yes, OK, the strongest of those feelings is always disgust. In almost overpowers all the other feelings. But there’s also disappointment – “Oh, her/him? That’s too bad, I thought he/she was better than this” even though NO ONE IS EVER BETTER THAN THIS, and there’s exhaustion – “Sigh. You again?”.
So let’s take a look at who’ll be slutting it up on TV this summer.
Lindzi
Lindzi falls into the “I stupidly thought she was better than this” category. She placed runner-up to cray-cray Courtney on Bachelor Ben’s season, and is known for being sweet, boring and liking ponies.
Blakely
I’m never surprised to see a VIP cocktail waitress on the cast list, so I knew Blakely would be a shoe-in. If I remember correctly, she didn’t play into that stereotype as much as one would have though. I might have even kind of liked her. Or at least I didn’t actively dislike her.
Sarah
Who? She was apparently on Brad’s season. Anyone remember her? Apparently she kissed some guy named Reid when he still had a girlfriend. Dramz already!
Jamie
Oh god. Remember Jamie and Ben’s super-awkward kiss? How is a girl like that going to handle Slut Central?
Erica
Of course she’s back. Of course.
Jaclyn
I literally have nothing to say about this woman.
Rachel
Noooo! More disappointment. I liked Rachel!
Then there are four female “super fans” of Bachelor Pad, which is basically a description that could disqualify anyone from any job, ever.
Ryan
He was from Deanna’s season, which I didn’t watch. Thoughts, anyone?
Reid
Reid cheated on his girlfriend with one of the women who’ll be on this show, so obviously he’s a great guy.
Kalon
Obviously, no one is surprised about this. It was obvious Kalon was cast on Emily’s season of The Bachelorette just so he could be a villain worthy of Bachelor Pad. My guess is that producers made her keep him around long enough to let him make an impression, and allowed her to kick him to the curb just in time to announce the BP cast.
Nick
I remember Nick from Ashley’s dreadful season, but I don’t remember much about him.
Ed
Ed “won” Jillian’s season of The Bachelorette, right? I don’t know anything about him, but his goofy, nice-guy looks suggest that maybe he won’t be the worst.
Then there are two male “super fans”. Being listed as a super fan of Bachelor Pad is a great reason to restrict someone from being able to donate to a sperm bank.
And, we have one more mystery man. Someone who’s currently on Emily’s season ofThe Bachelorette, so I’d say the obvious guess is Ryan. If he’s supposedly still on the show, that rules out the Jersey boy party DJ and I’m not sure who else is douchey enough.
OK y’all, have any thoughts on the cast? As always, I don’t recommend you watch but I do recommend you check out the recaps here on the blog. I am a regular pop culture hero, taking bullets of bad television on behalf of my fans.*
*I am completely aware of how obnoxious that sounded.
