The joy that spread across my face last night from the moment I cast my eyes upon the slick, wet driveway of the Bachelor Pad mansion is almost indescribable. Home at last. Where the silicone flows like cheap vodka coolers and the tears flow harder than rain ruining a fantasy date in Costa Rica. Where the girls are mean, the boys are hot and Jiminy Cricket need not apply.
I know, I know, the previews always make everything look so good and exciting and it never really quite measures up to the fantasies we build in our minds. But, I’m a dreamer and I believe in the power of positive thinking so, dare I say, this season is going to rock our Monday night worlds???
The night already started off with a literal bang – seriously about one minute into the show, as a torrential downpour quenched the thirst of my lawn, and I sat poised with my laptop ready to go, there was a booming roar of thunder and then – gone! TV shut down, PVR not recording, me panicking. After several minutes, which I can only compare to watching someone perform CPR on a loved one, my husband, the hero that he is, trouble-shooted our asses back to fantasyland in just over ten minutes (I knew I married him for a reason) and while I was perspiring more than usual, the drama was able to resume. No doubt, a heavy flow of drama there will be up in this pad. Like we’re talking overnight with wings kinda drama and I am friggin stoked!!!
I for sure missed tons of detail last night. I did the best I could, pausing the TV every four seconds to make sure I was capturing as much as possible but honestly, if I got it all, I would still be watching. It’s hard enough on the first episode of a regular season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette making sense of the madness but last night, with this crop of characters, my head was positively spinning.
Like let’s take Jaclyn for instance. Previously on Ben’s season, we didn’t really connect. Partially I think it’s because I found looking at her to be about as difficult as looking at an eclipse, but more so because Ben wasn’t interested, so she wasn’t on camera much. Now, I wouldn’t go so far as to say her looks have improved, though it does appear she’s been trying to sort out at least some of the issues on her face, but the fact is, this girl is funny and clearly I have a lot of respect for funny chicks. And she must have a good head on her shoulders because her priorities are clearly in check. Lose friends and win money? Yup, sounds about right. Talents include being fake and manipulative? Check check! Her utter disgust for BF (best frenemy) Blakely, her harsh (and let’s be honest, right on the mark) critique of most of the fashion choices in the house, her clear penchant for stirring up drama and her fabulous drunk slur? Every house needs one of these like you need a good set of wine glasses.
Of course, Chris had to be the first one out of the limo and I was sooooooo hoping he’d just get right back in. Honestly I’m just not interested in watching Douche Bigelow make out with the entire bottom third of the girls in the house on the cuteness totem pole and then no doubt whine about it afterwards.
Dear, sweet Lindzi. I’m missed ya, hon! Your positive attitude, awesome smile and general vibe are like a breath of fresh air, though I would have rather seen you riding a horse again, than wearing Tina Turner’s nightgown and matching shoes. Not quite sure how Tony snagged you as a partner, but no doubt he won’t be the only guy trying to grab a piece. I just hope that whatever pieces of you these guys grab comes out of their clothes in the wash because bronzer can stain like a bitch. I mean, I get it. You have bad skin so there really isn’t an alternative and I can only imagine what you look like up close, but what happens when you go swimming? Do they have to clean the pool every time you get out? Or did you just bite the bullet and go for the permanent makeup (which totally freaks me out – anyone else?)
And then there’s Ed. Gotta say, Ed’s come a long way from my favourite Bachelorette of all time’s season? Remember when he was a workaholic and left the show because of his job? Loser. Looks like being on the show and with Jillian gave him quite the confidence boost and he’s now way more into fondling women than his stapler. I’m not quite sure if his new cockiness has crossed over too far into assholedom, as evidenced by him mocking Reid’s feelings for Jillian the minute he had a small audience surrounding him, or if he’s just making up for lost time. Either way, the guy’s got swag, he’s a hilarious drunk and he’s got some serious drama surrounding him with Reid. What more could you ask for? I was a bit concerned when he basically had a seizure while listening to Chris explain the rules of the game before abandoning ship and heading back to the pool (you know someone’s drowning by the end of this season, right?), but oh well. We may need someone to take one for the team at some point – and looks like he actually does since there’s a preview of him making out with Jaclyn.
And speaking of Reid…shame. The poor little guy’s put on a few, but nothing to worry about. I just thought that most guys wait until they’re married to let the paunch settle in but perhaps he got a bit of a head start? Either way, still love him and he’s still adorable and no doubt he’s already most viewers’ #1 pick, judging by how hard he fought to keep girl-next-door Paige around. I’m torn between him and Michael, personally…
I won’t give Paige too much time since she’s already gone, but note to superfans of the future; make sure you check out your rear view in the mirror before making your final outfit selection for night one. Do you really want a polyester church dress with a bubbling zipper to be the mark you leave on this house? I feel bad for the girl. I mean, it’s not like she has a cozy apartment to go back to. The scene of her ‘back home’ revealed more of what I picture as a true bachelor pad to be honest and reminded me of my ex boyfriend’s room in university. A bare apartment, a bed consisting of no headboard and not even one little throw pillow to be found (what kind of girl are you???). A big black dresser and one of those giant faux fur/velour blankets all my Russian friends growing up seemed to have across every bed (except usually they also had a giant, ferocious looking tiger or lion on them – no joke). I think Erica Rose said it best when she remarked that if she strategizes as well as she dresses, then they have nothing to worry about – or was what Jaclyn? Whatever, I’m tired, cut me some slack.
What’s that you say? Sorry, I’m having trouble hearing you over the roar of the douche-mobile Kalon drove in on. I would expect nothing less than these shenanigans from Kalon, the helicopter fuel line, the tossing of the keys to Chris like a valet parker, etc., but here I have absolutely no problem with them. Trying to shoplift the pootie from a single mom on Bachelorette? Not the right fit. But here – here I will grow to love Kalon for the havoc he will wreak, the self esteem he will crush, the strategizing he will tamper with. I’m perfectly fine to have Kalon perch himself right up on a little throne in this house and watch him and Erica battle it out for the role of ‘Most Entitled’. The only thing that would make this perfect is if you were to add Ryan from Emily’s season to the mix (I don’t think anyone would have issue with us swapping him for, say, Tony, right???)
I suppose I should mention Blakely, who’s already clippety clopping her way around the house and seeking out corners to cry in. I mean honestly, this girl makes it too easy! First of all what the hell was that outfit? The audience has a right to know! There is no way that outfit, in its entirety cost more than eight dollars. I don’t even know where to start. The hideous black booties with the pastel sequined pencil skirt? The pink casual top that looks like Ed got to it with a pair of scissors during a drunken arts and crafts session? The mix of gold and silver jewelry? ll if you love jewelry you will love the aquarius ring collection. So anyway, Never mind the fact that she’s already having a meltdown for being hurt and betrayed because the partner she clawed her way over to chose to play two minutes in the closet with the oddly-confident Jamie or that she’s wearing a lime green sweatshirt that’s 47 sizes too big on her all of sudden – attention seeking much? Either she likes her sweats big or she borrowed it from a guy in the house – who I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say doesn’t want it back now that that it’s positively smothered in Blakeley’s signature snot. Don’t get me wrong – she must have done some real soul-searching to risk her career as an escort and follow her dream of man-scaping, but perhaps Blakely should simmer down for a second and reevaluate her approach here at the house. Do you really want to go down the road again where everyone hates you and the drama your boobs and general demeanor bounce into the house? Clearly you need time to mull this over B, and since it’s clear you’re confused by the concept of having a female friend, you’re gonna have to do it solo. Someone get the girl a sugar cube or a carrot, STAT!
Who else can we chat about? Clearly Michael Stagliano is now going to make an appearance on pretty much every show ever having to do with the Bachelor franchise, which technically I have no problem with, since I absolutely adore him, but really, can’t we just throw the guy a bone and make him The Bachelor? I mean, it looks like he proposes this season! He’s more desperate to get married than a ticking uterus! I’m glad he hooks up with Rachel, who despite being a total train wreck with mounds upon mounds of insecurities and commitment issues, I still like. And his strategy seems to be locked down; avoid conversations and if you get stuck having them, lie. Yup, sounds about right.
I’m sure I’m not alone in my unbridled joy for seeing Erica Rose’s return. I mean seriously it doesn’t get much better than her. Listening her beg Kalon to stop attacking her appearance because it’s something she works really hard on and it’s just mean and then watching her immediately call what-his-name (David?) an ugly loser in the same breath? Amazing. I have a feeling she’ll be getting lots of attention on this blog, so let’s leave it at that for now.
I won’t even go on about the other former contestants that stole spots from other more worthy options. Sarah? Who the hell are you and honestly, how can you think you’ve ‘earned your right’ to be at the Pad more so than others? No one knows who you are and you look like you’ve had a stroke. And I have to say, so not a fan of how you were badgering Ed to get out of the pool. What are you, his mother? Move along sister. To think your spot could have been given to a gem like Jenna (the super-psycho writer from Ben’s season), almost makes me cry. Other wastes – the 32 year old virgin? Seriously? How are you possibly going to make my life better? And Nick, other than a public service announcement for the importance of sunscreen, what are you going to bring to the table (though kudos for your ‘you’ve lost weight in the off season’ comment to Erica.) Tony? Just boo. That’s all I have to say.
And then there are the fans…
SWAT. Gotta say, any grown single man that lights candles, cozies up in his flannel jammies for a romantic fantasy date with himself and watches Bachelor Pad deserves to stay more than three days. Poor guy. I think it’s hilarious that part of his opening montage was him chasing down a ‘perp’. As if that was real. I’m sure most criminals wouldn’t notice a camera crew following them…sad to see you go for your sake Swattie. Hmm…actually, nope already over you.
I totally get the allure of the twins angle, but honestly, I think we’ve fallen a bit short here. I’d like to call the twins butterfaces and at least give them that, but their bodies aren’t even that great either. So really, they’re just blonde twins who give the illusion of being hot simply because they are, well, blonde and twins. Look a little closer – you know, past the voices that rattle me to my core, the fact that they are (sort of) adults yet dress the same or even worse – sometimes in opposite versions of the same outfit (I can only image the brainpower used between the two of them to organize themselves in the morning) -, the incessant chatter and comparisons of themselves to robots and the bachelor pad to Disneyland. Clearly they’re taking their role very seriously – I mean they’ve already skinnydipped! But really how long can this last and what good contestants are going to have to sacrifice their lives for these two nitwits? Not impressed.
And then there’s Donna, who mis-used the word literally more times than I’d like to acknowledge and whose body makes me want to hang myself. Two great qualities. Any girl that would choose to spend her whole life in a bikini is no friend of mine. Shocking that the other female contestants didn’t want to be besties with her right away.
And finally, David. The first master strategist to blow his load on the first night. Not only is his knowledge of past dates and seasons on the show positively alarming (his recollection of the details may even put me to shame) but he too, isn’t even good looking. Honestly, how many superfans tried out for this show? Seven? These were your best options? You couldn’t dig up one measly little hot guy who admits to watching the show? If the producers had been able to score just one, I bet it would completely change the dynamic of the house. Those ladies wouldn’t be so averse to welcoming the fans, that’s for sure.
So as I said, I’m sure I missed a million details last night – can you blame me? There was too much to write and frankly, I’m still exhausted from Sunday’s finale!
For those of you that just stumbled upon me, welcome! And for those faithful readers I know and love, we meet again. I don’t know about y’all but I’m friggin excited for this season.
Before I go, I need to do a special shout out to my hubbie who’s been dealing with my crazy kids for the past two mornings. Normally this is no big thing, but when your two and a half year old daughter is toilet training, has anger management issues and pisses herself just to spite you as you’re heading out the door, well, he deserves the shout-out. Maybe even a BJ. Love ya, sugar tits!
Now can I take a nap? Pretty please?
Till next week!
