Is it true? Am I really back, recapping Bachelor Pad AGAIN? Yes, it is true. And you know what? I do it all for you. That’s right, I am saving you the horror of devoting 10+ hours of your summer to this ridiculous excuse for a show, just to bring you the most hilarious and mockable moments.
As Chris Harrison would put it, we’ll be seeing “the sexiest, most outrageous and most controversial bachelors and bachelorettes in history” living together in a mansion. As I put it, you’ll be seeing the grossest, skankiest and most desperate for a minute of fame at the price of any shred of dignity people that have ever been on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, a reality TV series that has a worse success rate at creating lasting relationships than I do at forming sentences shorter than twelve words.
First Impressions
We began with a review of who will be joining us this season. Here are my thoughts on the cast from back when they were announced. I have an amendment:
Of Jaclyn, I said “I literally have nothing to say about this woman.” Well, after only a short intro package, I now have loads to say. Jaclyn, you are the worst! You are clearly making up for your insecurity about your looks with the ugliest personality ever.
I love how people say “If <insert name of rival from past season here> is here, <this> will happen.” Oh, honey boo boo child(s). Of course so-and-so will be there, and of course blank will happen.
The “fans” are something else. The girl who shared that she’s peed her pants before? The guy who sits at home with a glass of wine watching The Bachelor? That obnoxious girl who’s obsessed with herself in a bikini? The guy who saw Bachelor Pad and thought “This is the show for me?” That’s like looking at gonorrhea and saying “This is the disease for me.” Or the girl named Brittany who thinks that her twin is just a second version of herself? Oh dear. We know which one’s sluttier (Brittany) but there’s no telling who’s stupider. I think they have a combined IQ of twelve.
Arrivals
Chris was first to arrive, who said “There’s history in the mansion.” If by “history” he meant those stains on the sheets, then yes. I guess there is. Lindzi was next to arrive, because that’s who Chris was most excited to meet. Sorry dude, but you are going to be waaay to slutty for her.
Next were Ed, Nick and Rachel. I liked Rachel a lot on Ben’s season, but the fact that she’s on this show doesn’t speak well of her. Then some people I didn’t know showed up – Sarah, a virgin named Ryan that might really like that one twin and a guy named Reid with a grudge against Ed.
Jaclyn showed up, and immediately started gossiping with Rachel about how Blakely is stupid and even Lindzi hates her. So that arrival was of course going to be tense. Jaclyn complained that Blakely’s personality is too “in your face” – this Jaclyn girl seems like a total mouse, so I guess that must be really hard for her… Man, these women are fake.
Awkward kisser Jamie arrived, followed by Michael Stag who seems bound to do well with the fans of the show, they’re all obsessed with him. Erica Rose also returned, joining Stag in the “We Need To Stop Doing This” club. She apparently knows Kalon from the Houston social scene, and went to the tabloids about him.
Fan-damonium
Then the fans began arriving, which the “stars” (that term could not be used more loosely) all felt pretty up in arms about. I’d like to think there’s no one out there who’d be interested in smelling someone from The Bachelor‘s underwear, but these people are obviously all freaks. Of course, everyone freaked out over the twins. Brittany and her walking, talking mirror image will be playing as one person.
Let The Crazy Begin
Pretty soon, people were stripped down and in the pool. These people turn to dust if they wear clothing for more than three hours at a time, you know. Ed seemed to be the biggest drunken disaster, so I’m sure his parents are super proud.
Harrison came in to explain the “rules”. There’s competitions, roses, dates and eliminations. “Relationships” (acting like floozies) are “key” here. He announced that the first competition would be the next day, which meant everyone needed to couple up by then. One night is all it takes in the bachelor pad!
A few of the pairings are:
- Reid and Paige. Read the Page. Hilarious! (Not that hilarious.)
- Erica Rose and Nick.
- Chris and Blakely. That was a surprising pairing. Chris chose Blakely because she’s competitive, which could also be called crazy.
- Kalon and Donna. (The fan gym rat.)
- Ed and Jaclyn. Ed was the only guy left – how does that taste, Jaclyn? That’s what you get for being so mean!
- Tony and Lindzi (Tony is from Emily’s season and I don’t remember him. I had to look it up – he’s the guy that left to be with his kid. So start judging away.)
I <3 U
The competition was called “Falling For Love” (barf) and the winning couple would get roses and a date. Basically, each couple had to stay inside a giant heart as long as possible, as it was tilted forward high(ish) above the ground. After the third tilt, a bunch of couples fell out.
Erica and Nick were the first to fall out, after just over five minutes and two tilts. After that, they dropped like flies. Reid and Paige and Twin and David were the final two couples, and the latter won. It wasn’t fair – they had extra super-twin strength! They’re both fans, so everyone was fuming – exactly how I like it.
Romance Brews
So Dave took out the twins, and throughout the entire date referenced various dates from The Bachelor – most of which were couples that didn’t work out. Great omen, dude! At the end of the date, they all went skinny dipping. Well, sort of. I’m assuming it was the virgin who kept her bottoms on.
Back at Casa Chalmydia, Chris and Jamie were “talking” in the communal bed. And then they were kissing in the communal bed – you know, the one decked out with the Paris Hilton porn cam. Gross! Of course, Blakely was furious, and barged in on them. And then there were tears. Oh, Blakely. You’re kind of a mess.
You know what’s attractive? A man who drinks beer in bed in the morning. That’s a guy I want to fall in love and settle down with. The day after the competition and date, all talk turned to voting. The newbies banded together and decided to vote out Erica Rose. It was a weird choice, since I wouldn’t exactly say Erica is a threat.
Time To Vote
For the voting, the men vote out a woman and the women vote out a man.
Although Dave was targeting Erica Rose, most of the guys were voting for Paige. The twins were safe, and no one was voting out Donna for two large, obvious reasons. Reid was on a mission to save her, which meant getting some people to vote Erica Rose out. I was hoping Paige would stick around – she seems adorable and kind of dumb, like Erin on The Office. Erica Rose has had her chance on this show. For the men, it looked like newbie Chris would be going home.
After all the roses were handed out, Paige was eliminated instead of Erica Rose. Sorry, Reid! And Chris, another fan, was eliminated as well. Pretty predictable, but you don’t turn on Bachelor Pad expecting to be surprised, or even incredibly interested. I did six other things during the two hours this show was on.
