Mike Gojira’s Not-So-Live WWE Smackdown Report 11.6.12 (Orton vs del Rio)

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I know we promised you another stunning duet this past weekend for tonight’s special edition of Smackdown, but my meal ticket better half couldn’t make it tonight, so you’re all stuck with just me. I’ll try to update this as often as possible throughout the broadcast.

Oh, and for those wondering why this is still called a “Not-So-Live” recap even though the show is airing at the time when it normally tapes, keep in mind that what we’re about to witness was pre-recorded in Europe earlier in the day. So there.

Michael Cole starts things off with an in-ring interview with Sheamus, the happy-go-lucky “Aw shucks” former World Heavyweight Champion. The WWE staged a bar fight between Sheamus and the Big Show last night after Raw and they have exclusive cell phone footage. Too bad it wasn’t a Tout. Big Show fucks up both Sheamus and William Regal in what was clearly more of a beat down rather than an actual fight. Sheamus uses Regal’s name to get a sympathetic pop and he calls out Show to finish what he started. Show pops up on the ‘Tron and calls him “an ungrateful ginger.” Hooray for prejudice! Instead of Big Show heading to the ring, we get Wade Barrett, who says that Wednesday night on Main Event he will fuck Sheamus up so bad that he’ll be afraid to face Show at Survivor Series. Sheamus is done talking, but Barrett feigns heading to the ring before turning tail and heading back up the ramp.

So the opening segment of Smackdown was used to promote the WWE’s C-Show. Huh.

Booker T meets up with Barrett backstage and tells him he’ll be teaming with Big Show later tonight to take on Regal and Sheamus.

Intercontinental Championship: Kofi Kingston vs The Miz
Josh Mathews not-so-subtly tells us that this match will end the feud between Kofi and Miz. Meanwhile, Tony Chimel hilariously announces Miz’s name like he couldn’t give a shit. JBL angrily accuses Josh of burying The Miz…despite having done so himself years ago. Hypocrisy, thy name is JBL. Kofi scales the barrier on the outside and runs across it before jumping into The Miz. This crowd seems completely dead as we head to another commercial break. When we return, Miz is in control and working over Kingston’s leg. Miz misses a charge and Kofi recovers, but after a series of counters Miz manages to lock in a single-leg crab. The crowd yet again is nearly silent. Kingston escapes and climbs to the top rope but Miz joins him and they teeter back and forth. Kofi tosses Miz and hits a flying cross body to…..get the win?! What the fuck? What an abrupt finish. It didn’t help that the crowd was dead; not good for an opening contest. Miz offers to shake hands but Kofi nails him with a dropkick instead.

For some reason these two just did not gel tonight and it was evident that the crowd couldn’t give a shit. This doesn’t bode well for the rest of the evening. I’d better start drinking.

Sin Cara and Rey Mysterio vs The Primetime Players
Josh talks about how Hulu Plus is a great way to catch anything you missed from the WWE’s TV shows, which is the very definition of irony seeing as how Hulu Plus tends to cut half the damn show out. JBL calls the PTP “alluring underdogs.” I do not think it means what you think it means, so sayeth Inigo Montoya. Young and Sin Cara start things off with Darren in control until a mishap forces him to tag. O’Neil attempts to stop Sin Cara from doing the same but eats an enziguri. Rey manages to get the crowd to come alive somewhat. O’Neil cancels out the 619 and actually manages to beat Rey clean with a sit-down power bomb. Matt Striker tries to interview the PTP but Titus takes control and gets Striker to yell out “Millions of dollars!”

What the hell has Striker done to earn so much Jim Ross-like abuse?

Raw Rebound 1: Vickie Guerrero’s footage of AJ Lee heading to John Cena’s hotel room. The crowd popped for what was implied and rabidly called for AJ to come out. So what does the WWE do? They keep her backstage.

Booker T and Teddy Long chat backstage about Vickie’s abilities as a GM. Booker asks Long if he thinks Guerrero could come up with a tag match as awesome as Booker did tonight and Long seems unsure of how to answer. Booker accuses him of being a suck-up but then reveals he was just kidding. That was awkward.

I really don’t know what to make of that last segment.

Wade Barrett and Big Show vs Sheamus and William Regal

Sheamus and Regal clear the ring and Big Show threatens to walk away if the ref doesn’t calm the faces down. Regal starts the match officially with Barrett and trades tags with Sheamus as they beat down the heel. Show legitimately gripes that they’re double teaming his partner but has no problem returning the favor when Regal gets sent into his corner. Big Show gets tagged in and exercises his size advantage on Regal. The crowd actually starts to come alive in support of Regal and the WWE, as usual, ruins the momentum for the viewers with a commercial break. Lovely. When we return, Regal continues to play face-in-peril and the crowd is once again quiet. Regal eventually makes the hot tag and Sheamus manages to take Big Show off his feet! He calls for the Brogue Kick but Barrett interferes and Show nails Sheamus with a Spear! Regal tags in and eats a KO punch, costing his team the victory.

Matt Striker interviews Alberto del Rio backstage, who claims that Randy Orton keeps attacking him from behind. He wants to show the world that Orton is a garden snake. Rosa Mendes pops in to wish del Rio good luck and I completely lost my train of thought. I love Rosa.

That match was very meh. I’m telling you, this terrible crowd atmosphere isn’t helping matters.

Raw Rebound 2: Brad Maddox proves he’s not ready for a promo by telling everyone he screwed over Ryback just to make a name for himself. And what the fuck was Maddox wearing last night? Where’s Chantal when you need her?

Backstage, Striker chats it up with Randy Orton. He gives del Rio props for being a great wrestler, but promises to whoop some Mexican ass tonight.

We get a replay of the Fandangoo intro from last night; only this time, his name has been changed to Fandango. Still looks like a terrible mid-90s gimmick if you ask me.

Falls Count Anywhere: Randy Orton vs Alberto del Rio
The fight quickly heads to the outside and Orton tries for the draping DDT over the barricade but del Rio escapes into the crowd. They head toward the concession stands as we head to another commercial break. When we return, stuff happens. I wasn’t really paying attention as I was flirting with a hottie from work via text message. Sue me. The segment ends with del Rio in control in the stands as we head to a FINAL commercial break. When we return (again), Orton is in control on the steel ramp. Ricardo Rodriguez attacks Randy and pays for it by throwing him into the phone booth on the stage. Back in the ring, Orton works del Rio over with a chair. Orton attempts to suplex del Rio out of the ring through a table, but del Rio counters with a kick to the back of the head and Orton falls through the table! Del Rio gets Randy back in the ring, trapping him with the cross arm breaker! Randy uses the mic to escape but del Rio whips Orton shoulder-first into the ring post. The steel steps are in the ring and del Rio misses a chair shot, allowing Randy to nail an RKO predictably on the steps.

Well this show was actually pathetic, plodding, and boring. I definitely could have used Kelly for this one.

So long, and thanks for all the fish.

Since February of 2011, "The Master of Smarkasm" Mike Gojira has tickled the funny bones of Inside Pulse readers with his insightful comedy, timely wit, and irreverent musings on the world of professional wrestling. Catch his insanely popular column, The Stomping Ground, whenever he feels like posting a new edition (hey, I've earned the right). He is also totally modest and doesn't know the meaning of hyperbole.