Mike and Kelly’s Obnoxious WWE Smackdown Breakdown 11.16.12 (Orton/Miz vs Ziggler/del Rio)

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With only two days before Survivor Series, we’re back to pick apart what’s shaping up to be another boring “go-home” show. Let’s see if we can’t liven up this party, hmm?

The Miz comes out to introduce Mick Foley to the ring. Foley questions Miz’s mindset for Survivor Series and asks the rest of the team to come out for a chat. They don’t seem to be getting along, so Team Ziggler shows up at the ramp to mock them. Foley tells Dolph that Booker T gave him the authority to make matches tonight and he sets up the rest of the night’s card, including a main event of Orton/Miz vs Ziggler/del Rio.
Kelly: Hello ladies and gentlemen! We’re back together again. For now.
Mike: Depending on Kelly’s mood.
Kelly: Yeah. Bitches be crazy. Anywho. Here’s Mizzy Miz, in his hometown.
Mike: To a mild Mizanin pop. There’s one random screaming woman in the background.
Kelly: Yeah. It’s hurting my ears.
Mike: We’ve got a bit of a “Miz is awesome” chant.
Kelly: I did not know he was on the poster. Neat.
Mike: And his guest is Mrs. Foley’s Baby Boy.
Kelly: I’m sorry, that Christmas book is just silly.
Mike: It wouldn’t be a Foley promo without a few cheap pops.
Kelly: Ha, I love the “really?” spot. Foley implies that Miz has two sides. A strong, champion side and a weak, insert-negative-adjectives-here side.
Mike: Looks like we’re having a Team Foley powwow right here on MizTV (cheap pop).
Kelly: And the girls go wild for Randy.
Mike: You’re jealous, aren’t you?
Kelly: Yeah, totally, I mean, how dare they, ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ…
Mike: Team Hell No continue their shtick of blaming one another for their faults and Team Foley starts to implode from within.
Kelly: It ain’t Survivor Series until one team is in shambles until 5 minutes before their match.
Mike: But both teams are in shambles. One from inner strife, and the other from poor booking choices.
Kelly: Touche.
Mike: Team Ziggler pops up to mock Team Foley but winds up arguing over leadership.
Kelly: Shambles for everyone! Hooray!
Mike: Miz and Orton vs Dolph and del Rio.
Kelly: Barrett vs Kane.
Mike: Daniel Bryan gets snubbed again….
Kelly: Sandow picks apart the team with his stellar vocabulary. Looks like Sandow vs Kofi. So, Bryan vs Dolph, next?
Mike: Dolph is teaming with del Rio, dear.
Kelly: Oh. Hehe. Yeah, I know. I WORK WITH KIDS 10 HOURS A DAY. Therefore, my brain is mush.

Damien Sandow vs Kofi Kingston
Mike: We’re right into the thick of it with Sandow vs Kingston.
Kelly: Kofi is bouncing all over the place, then strikes. Sandow collects himself outside of the ring.
Mike: Kofi with some nice kicks that only gets him a two count.
Kelly: Big suicide dive from Kingston. But we fade to commercial…that was quick.
Mike: Odd timing. I’m sure this is only going to be a five-minute match, too.
Kelly: Must be saving up for something later. Bet ya 20 bucks they misuse that extra time.
Mike: When we return, Kofi is still in control. Which is odd, given a face’s track record after a commercial break.
Kelly: It doesn’t last long. Kofi is tasting the mat right now.
Mike: Why do they give Sandow’s elbow drop a Latin name if they’re going to constantly translate it for us?
Kelly: For zest.
Mike: Flying cross body gets a 2.5!
Kelly: And…Sandow suddenly wins it?
Mike: Kingston’s lot in life is to be the midcard champion who constantly is booked to be a chump.
Kelly: I’d say it’s a pity, but best friend or not, he doesn’t do much for me.

Raw Rebound 1: John Cena’s voice mail is hax0red! After that, we get a lame Divas tag match.
Mike: Raw Rebound time! It’s the WWE’s version of “Fun With Audio” from SNL.
Kelly: The AJ/Cena thing still happens? Like, really?
Mike: And we’re back with a six-Diva tag match. Natalya is a face now?
Kelly: You’re ignoring me a lot today. I don’t care for it one bit. PAY ATTENTION TO ME. I’m very close to a tantrum.
Mike: These girls are about as interchangeable as their breast implants.
Kelly: Wahhhhhh…
Mike: Just look at all the bewbs.
Kelly: Sigh.
Mike: Reverse DDT from Kaitlyn and the faces pick up the victory!
Kelly: Yup.
Mike: Did we just reverse roles for a Divas match?
Kelly: …what? Did you say something? I was too busy pouting.
Mike: Instead of putting out.

Randy Orton and The Miz vs Dolph Ziggler and Alberto del Rio
Kelly: Sheamus is stiiiiiiill waiting for Show. And Booker doesn’t like it, judging by the way he’s shouting in the ginger’s face.
Mike: He tells Sheamus to check himself before he wrecks himself….dawg.
Kelly: I actually chuckled. Ohheylook, there’s Randy Orton.
Mike: Your boy.
Kelly: Del Rio?! WHERE?!
Mike: Hahaha….Ricardo did the usual intro but added “Apex predator” in English.
Kelly: I’m a little surprised this is the half-way main event.
Mike: I’m not. That just means Sheamus/Show will close us out.
Kelly: Oh right. I already forgot they’re like, all mad and shit. Silly boys.
Mike: Kaitlyn’s bewbs.
Kelly: NOM.
Mike: So “Kaitlyn’s bewbs” is your “Rosa Mendes.” Interesting.
Kelly: This is a well known fact.
Mike: Have you heard what the alternative is if Cody Rhodes isn’t cleared for Sunday?
Kelly: …I’m scared. Tell me.
Mike: Tensai.
Kelly: Shut up.
Mike: I’m serious. Hey, Miz is in control with a fired-up crowd.
Kelly: “They turned on LeBron, they’ll turn on Miz.” -JBL
Mike: I was just gonna quote that!
Kelly: Too late! WICKED kick from del Rio. That was sexual.
Mike: Stop trying to change the meaning of words.
Kelly: Sex. U. Al.
Mike: Sigh. Orton dominates with a hot tag but Miz tags himself in to steal the win!
Kelly: Well, that match definitely got its act together towards the end there. Oh! Big RKO to Miz once it’s all over.

Sheamus calls out Big Show after what he did to William Regal on Monday Night Raw. Before he can get his hands on Show, Booker T gets between them and ejects Sheamus from the building.
Mike: Hey, remember when I said that this would close the show?
Kelly: 12 minutes ago?
Mike: Yup.
Kelly: Yeah…well moving on. Here’s Big Show.
Mike: And here’s Booker T to hold Sheamus back.
Kelly: And he boots him out!
Mike: He should have done the overactive referee hand motion to eject Sheamus from the arena.
Kelly: Might have snapped me out of my trance.

Big Show thanks Booker for getting rid of Sheamus, but the GM puts him in a match tonight against a mystery opponent. Kane’s match with Wade Barrett barely gets out of the gate before Team Ziggler draws the DQ and Team Foley, sans Miz, makes the save.

Mike: Big Show thanks Booker T backstage, but Booker puts him in a match tonight with a mystery opponent. Oh god. I just realized who Big Show is facing.
Kelly: …
Mike: Booker said “No one is bigger than the show.”
Kelly: Oh, no…
Mike: Yeah. Great Khali.
Kelly: Gross. I had a thought that it might be, but they’re not THAT crazy…right?
Mike: ……
Kelly: Damn it. Well, shit hits the fan it seems. I’ll be honest, I stepped away to pee.
Mike: Team Ziggler attacked Kane pretty much from the get-go. Team Foley makes the save, except for Miz.
Kelly: Well that escalated quickly.
Mike: Brick killed a guy. With a trident.
Kelly: Ha!

Raw Rebound 2: The Punk/Ryback/Cena trifecta.
Mike: Punk is three days from a year-long title reign.
Kelly: That’s insane.
Mike: And Brad Maddox gets absolutely destroyed last Monday.
Kelly: Of course he did. And he was never heard from again.
Mike: And there was much rejoicing.
Kelly: That’s usually my line.
Mike: Kaitlyn’s bewbs.
Kelly: Mmmmmmmmm.
Mike: I could get used to this.

Antonio Cesaro vs Sin Cara (w/ R-Truth on Commentary)
Kelly: R-Truth still happens?
Mike: He’s getting a title shot against Cesaro.
Kelly: I’m aware of that. BUT WHY?
Mike: Because Kaitlyn’s bewbs.
Kelly: Mmmmmmm…
Mike:
Kelly: It’s just you don’t even I need to um.
Mike: Yeah, that just happened.
Kelly: There is a god.
Mike: You’re welcome.
Kelly: …when did Cesaro and Cara get in the ring?
Mike: Doesn’t matter. Cesaro wins.
Kelly: He hits that mega-upper-cut that I love so much, and indeed wins it.
Mike: And R-Truth leads the crowd in a minor “USA” chant.
Kelly: This is just silly.

Big Show vs ?????
Mike: Ready to see if I was right?
Kelly: Sure!
Mike: You’re way too chipper for such dire news.
Kelly: I’ve had some beer tonight.
Mike: Aaaaaaaand this is one of those times I hate being right.
Kelly: I don’t even…just…NO.
Mike: Big Show shakes his head…don’t worry, buddy; I’m just as ashamed of this main event as you are.
Kelly: Well, considering it’s Khali, it’ll be short, Sheamus will do something silly, and we’ll fade to black.
Mike: Keep drinking; you’ll fade sooner.
Kelly: On it.
Mike: Show oversells Khali’s corner chops.
Kelly: Did you know that some states have state dinosaurs?
Mike: No. Frigging. Way.
Kelly: Yeah, Colorado has the Stegosaurus.
Mike: Interesting. I wonder what New York….hey, Big Show won.
Kelly: I like dinosaurs.
Mike: I love ’em.
Kelly: Here’s Sheamus. He likes dinosaurs, too. I mean. No Sheamus.
Mike: Show is now backstage but Sheamus meets him in the parking lot!
Kelly: And, a big parking lot brawl ensues.
Mike: Lots of windshields breaking here.
Kelly: And we fade to black.

Final Thoughts

Mike: Thoughts?
Kelly: Um. Well, Survivor Series is happening in two days. That much is clear.
Mike: A very meh show for me.
Kelly: Yeah, I was underwhelmed.
Mike: Go look at more bewbs.
Kelly: Booooobs…
Mike: Next week is Thanksgiving….are you ready for a Black Friday edition of Smackdown?
Kelly: Absolutely, considering I’m not leaving my house for ANYTHING.
Mike: So long…
Kelly: And thanks for all the fish.

Since February of 2011, "The Master of Smarkasm" Mike Gojira has tickled the funny bones of Inside Pulse readers with his insightful comedy, timely wit, and irreverent musings on the world of professional wrestling. Catch his insanely popular column, The Stomping Ground, whenever he feels like posting a new edition (hey, I've earned the right). He is also totally modest and doesn't know the meaning of hyperbole.