The SmarK RAW Rant – 01.07.13
Live from Tampa, FL
Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler
John Cena of course opens the first show of 2013 as usual, pandering to the crowd that hates him. This brings out Dolph and his entourage, and Cena is making weiner jokes. Dolph notes that every time Cena loses, he just laughs it off. Very true. So Cena challenges him RIGHT NOW, and Big E accepts on Dolph’s behalf. Big E needs a badass suit like Mr. Hughes, the wrestling trunks look kind of silly.
John Cena v. Dolph Ziggler
Ziggler slugs away in the corner and does situps, but Cena comes back with the bulldog for two. Delayed suplex gets two. Zigger catches him with his head down and follows with a corner splash for two, and the standing dropkick for two. Cena catapults him in the corner, but Big E gets a cheapshot and we take a break. Back with Dolph doing his handstand headlock, and now AJ provides the distraction to give Ziggler two off a dropkick. Dolph drops elbows for two an AJ gets another cheapshot, so the cheering section gets tossed by the ref. And it’s comeback time by Cena, but Ziggler cuts him off with the fameasser for two. Ziggler misses a charge and it’s the FIVE MOVES OF DOOM , but Ziggler hits the Zig Zag for two. Superkick misses and they counter each other until Ziggler hits a DDT for two. Dolph goes up with a crossbody and Cena rolls through into the FU, but Dolph superkicks him for two. Hell of a false finish there. That would have MADE the superkick had it finished there. They slug it out with Ziggler getting the crowd support, and he grabs the sleeper, but the ref gets bumped. Cena gets the STF off that, and Big E runs in for the beatdown and whatever his finisher thing is. Another ref counts two as this is getting massively overbooked. And finally Cena finishes with the FU at 17:29. This was a great match totally marred by multiple run-ins and a ref bump where none of them were needed. ***1/2 I guess Dolph already got to win his one match for the year at TLC and can now go back to jobbing every week.
Divas title: Eve Torres v. Kaitlyn
Yay, finally they’re gonna do the title change and get it out of their system. Eve works the leg for a bit, but gets a cheapshot when Kaitlyn stops to tie her shoelaces (no, really) and pounds away in the corner. Eve with a neck vice, but Kaitlyn hits a sideslam for two. Kaitlyn with the RATINGS DROP for two. Eve escapes a gutbuster and runs away, but Kaitlyn sends her back in, so Eve grabs the belt and runs into the crowd this time for the countout at 4:28. OH MY GOD end this program already and do the damn title change. No one gives a shit about Kaitlyn chasing the belt. Hella lame. *
Meanwhile, Santino kisses up to Ricky Steamboat, but Wade Barrett interrupts and calls the Dragon a has been.
Meanwhile, 3MB annoys Randy Orton. That won’t go well for them.
Kane & Daniel Bryan v. The Rhodes Scholars
This is non-title. Kane tosses the heels around and hits Sandow with a seated dropkick, and Bryan comes in with a dropkick into the corner for two. Cody comes in and gets dominated with kicks, and a northern lights suplex for two. Bryan gets caught in the corner as the heels work him over and Sandow hits the ELBOW OF DISDAIN for two before going to the chinlock. Bryan scoots over and makes the hot tag to Kane, who comes in with the flying clothesline for two. Sideslam gets two. Sandow bails, so Bryan hits him with the knee off the apron, and back in for more kicking in the corner. Bryan tweaks his knee, however, and the heels go to work on it as we do extended Rock N Roll Express Formula with a second heat segment. Bryan rolls up Cody for two, but Crossroads finishes clean at 7:07. Huh, not a heat segment, just a finish. Weird. So they do a bunch of jobs and now they’re #1 contenders again. Thoroughly decent tag match. **1/2
Randy Orton v. Heath Slater
Orton beats up all the band members, but that allows Slater to get a cheapshot to take over. He gets the neckbreaker for two, but goes up and gets crotched, allowing Orton to hit the superplex to come back. Clotheslines and powerslam and he beats up 3MB again before hitting Slater with the draping DDT and finishing with the RKO at 4:22. Just an extended squash. *1/2
Wade Barrett v. Santino
Another non-title match. Barrett lays out Santino and pounds him in the corner, then follows with a suplex for two before going to a chinlock. Santino escapes the pumphandle and gets a superkick for two, then comes back and readies the cobra. Barrett cuts him off with a necksnap, and finishes with the elbow at 2:12. ½*
Meanwhile, 3MB moves onto annoying Sheamus.
Antonio Cesaro v. The Great Khali
Khali chops away in the corner and clotheslines Cesaro to the floor, and back in for another chop, but Cesaro goes after the knee. Khali fights back with more chops, but Cesaro hits a badass twisting bolo forearm and finishes with the NEUTRALIZER at 3:21. They should find big fat people for Cesaro to deadlift every week. ½*
Meanwhile, Brad Maddox annoys Paul Heyman and offers to referee the title match tonight.
Sheamus v. Jinder Mahal
Sheamus holds onto a headlock and they trade shoulderblocks, prompting Mahal to get some advice from his team. The advice from Drew: “Don’t marry a psychotic chick to get your green card.” Sheamus casually slugs away on Jinder and gets the forearms on the apron, but Slater runs interference and Mahal knocks Sheamus out of the ring to take over. After some laughable heat on Sheamus, he makes the comeback and beats everyone up, giving all of them Brogue Kicks before pinning Mahal at 5:30. Another squash. *
WWE Title: CM Punk v. Ryback
Anyone with a color scheme as ugly as Ryback’s tonight deserves to lose. Ryback beats on Punk to start, but a chair to the back turns the tide and Punk gets a ladder already. Ryback intercepts him and suplexes him onto the ladder, which is a great idea for someone who just had knee surgery, I’m sure, and Punk bails. We take a break and return with Ryback continuing to bump Punk around before getting a table, but Punk escapes and gets a chair for some shots with that. Ryback suddenly no-sells everything and gets his usual, but charges after Punk and runs himself into a table. Punk climbs for the belt, but Ryback brings him down and drops him onto the ladder. This is a total one man show from Punk. Punk comes back with a high kick, but Ryback throws him through a table this time. So Ryback climbs for the belt, but now the lights go out, and the Shield emerge in their quest to prevent injustice. Ryback gets rid of them, but they keep coming and pull him down, then powerbomb him through a table, allowing Punk to crawl up and retain the title at 19:44. This was a pretty transparent one man stunt show, but it was entertaining enough. ***
Meanwhile, Vickie informs Team Hell No that next week DOCTOR SHELBY returns to give them a four month evaluation.
Kofi Kingston v. Big Show
Show knocks Kofi out right out of the commercial break and pins him at 0:14. I guess we’re running long.
CM Punk is out for the main event interview with a TON of time left. So yeah, he complains about the glass ceiling in WWE and how fans still disrespect him. Apparently he’d have been champion for THIRTY YEARS in Bruno’s time (another Bruno mention, hmmm…) and he’s still talking as we go to a break. Back and Punk is still complaining, and finally The Rock can take no more and comes out three hours into the show. This is great stuff from Punk but it’s like 2AM and I’m bit tired for recapping it all. So yeah, Rock is IMMEDIATELY selling the show, reminding us that his title shot is in 20 days and he’s going to whoop Punk’s ass. Also, Punk claims to be straight edge, but he looks like a crack addicted Popeye. Ha! Punk puts aside all the sing-songs and notes that he’s going to kick Rock’s ass because he’s the BEST IN THE WORLD. And Rock’s arms are too short to box with God. That’s quite the line. And gets EVEN MORE SERIOUS and lets him know that 414 days is impressive, but time’s up. Rock Bottom, and we’re out. That was quite the segment, with Rock starting out jovial and then each guy getting more and more intense as it went on. That was like the old 1997 RAW segments with the main eventers going off on each other without a script.
The Pulse
A weird show to be sure, but whatever came before, that last segment was printing money. Punk made Cena’s stuff from last year look like amateur hour, and just wait until Paul Heyman starts cutting promos with Rock as well. Oh, I shall be ordering this show, yes I shall. Hopefully they don’t fuck it up.
