The SmarK Rant for TNA Impact – 02.28.13
Live from Orlando, FL, for the last time, right?
Your hosts are Mike Tenay, Todd Keneley and Taz.
Bully Ray is out, and he’s OUTRAGED at the actions of Aces & Eights. SHOCKED AND APPALLED. He’s so mad at Devon that he’s gonna kick ass so effectively that Devon will never want to step into the ring again. So he brings out Jeff Hardy, and he’s kind of bummed because he doesn’t want to be the guy who got a title shot just for being Hulk’s son-in-law. They do some bonding, but Bad Influence interrupts, offended that Daniels didn’t get the title shot and “Bully Raymond” did. In fact, the only reason that Hardy was able to beat him is that Jeff’s tattoos caused an allergic reaction that hampered his performance. Bully DISSES THE APPLETINI and the brawl is on. So there’s your main event tonight.
Meanwhile, Magnus tries to convince Sting that he should be a part of the Lockdown team.
Knockouts title: Velvet Sky v. Tara
Tara throws shoulderblocks in the corner and gets two, but Velvet comes back with the headscissors and stops to argue with Jessie. She spears Tara for two, but Jessie pulls her out and gets banished by the crazy chick ref as a result. Velvet finishes with the Pedigree to retain at 2:00. Quick topic for discussion: Who has the worst women’s champion right now, WWE or TNA? Because it’s a tossup for me. ½*
Meanwhile, Kenny King pesters RVD for one last match, and promises to leave the X Division if he loses.
Austin Aries v. Hernandez
Aries gets overpowered and thrown around, but reverses a powerbomb and sends him to the floor before following with the suicide dive. Back in, Aries misses the frog splash and Hernandez hits him with a gorilla press and the Pounce to put Aries on the floor. Aries decides that he’s had enough and takes a walk, but Hernandez brings him back in, where Aries hits him with a chain for the pin at 4:28. This was fine. **
Meanwhile, Joseph Park serves Sting some RIBS (ho ho!) and makes his pitch, but Sting gets distracted by Matt Morgan, who apparently is someone we’re remembering again. He still hates Hulk Hogan, making him the only one who still cares about that storyline.
X Division title: Rob Van Dam v. Kenny King
They trade some stuff on the mat and RVD hits a german suplex, but stops to point and gets dumped by King. Kenny misses a dive and Rob guillotines him on the railing as we take a break. Back with King in control with a snap suplex for two. Rob comes back with Rolling Thunder and goes up to finish, but stalls too long and misses, giving King two in a weird bit where it looked like RVD wasn’t supposed to kick out but did, or something. King then finishes with a terrible F5 to win the belt at 9:00. Well thank god for that. **1/2
Aces & Eights are out, and they’re gonna like beat Sting up and stuff. So Sting brings out his Squadron: Samoa Joe, James Storm, Magnus, and the returning Eric Young. That’s an odd choice. And the brawl is on, with the Aces losing as usual. Garrett Bischoff was looking pretty jacked up there.
Gut Check: Ivelise Felez v. Lei’d Tapa
It’s NXT reject v. Barbarian’s niece, giving us a pretty neat backstory for both of them. The intro video for Tapa shows her learning the TONGAN DEATH GRIP, so she’s got my vote. Felez throws kicks and grabs a standing guillotine, but Tapa shoves her off, so Felez gets the back. Tapa puts her down with a big boot and throws her around the ring whilst yelling, but Felez comes back with a sloppy DDT for two. Tapa is not so much with the good. Felez comes back with the rana, but walks into a samoan drop that gets two. Felez turns that pin attempt into a guillotine that finishes at 4:14. Saaaay, featuring a young female MMA-themed wrestler, wonder why that is? Tapa was green and clumsy and Felez clearly deserves the vote here. *1/2
Where the Fuck Is AJ Styles, Part One: Family and friends wonder if AJ is off somewhere doing the drugs or what. And while the interview is going on, HOMELESS AJ shows up and then storms off on his Batcycle. Oh, wacky TNA.
Robbie E. is out to make good with Rob Terry, and he pledges not to be jealous that Terry is in fact the better bro, bro. So it’s time for an old fashioned Bro Off, at which point Robbie turns on him because he’s a moron. Like you’d think he’d be smart enough to use a weapon more devastating than a poster, but I guess really he’s not. I don’t imagine this feud will end well for him.
Kazarian & Daniels v. Jeff Hardy & Bully Ray
Bully beats on Daniels in the corner, but the heels get a double suplex before Bully puts them down with a clothesline and mocks them. Flip Flop and Fly sends the heels running and we take a break. Back with Kazarian putting Hardy down with a cheapshot to break up a double-team, and Hardy is YOUR face-in-peril. A great sideslam into a springboard legdrop combo gets two for Daniels, but Hardy hits him with the Whisper and makes the hot tag. Bully spikes Daniels with a Rock Bottom for two and a sideslam for two, but Hardy goes up and gets tripped by Kazarian. Daniels with an STO for two as it’s BONZO GONZO, and an electric chair into the swanton finishes Daniels at 11:00. Lots of great old school double-teams and stuff here. ***1/4
Meanwhile, Kurt Angle storms into the Aces clubhouse and beats the crap out of Anderson, then unmasks the mysterious leader…off-camera. He’s so shocked and appalled that he can’t even say the name!
The Pulse
This was a good show and I approve of it, even if the direction for Lockdown is a bit “meh” right now. The Bully title win over Hardy feels like the first part of the story they need to get out of the way before moving into the meat of the program, though.
