The Bachelor 2013: Sean Lowe – The Women Tell All Recap

Well, now.  What do we have here?  Places everyone!

Sixty year old lady in hot pink figure skating costume, complete with plunging neckline and sagging implants?  You’ll do nicely in row number one.

Disgruntled singletons perched atop tiny stools, crossing and uncrossing legs, in an effort to stay on said stools whilst avoiding cellulite patches on exposed thighs?  Yup, all here.

Statement nails in every hue leaping off the screen (which really, I’m not a fan of, by the way  – why is one colour not okay anymore?  Who has time to pick two colours?  Who dammit???  Oh right.  Girls in their twenties).  Yup there you are.  Crackle finish and all.

Too many black shoes to count?  Like really girls, I’m no stylist but there were so many better options for so many of those dresses.

Mandatory over-bronzed contestants?  Yup, Jackie, got ya down.

Extreme hot mess of a hair style, complete with – gasp! – A scrunchie???  Should have known.  Welcome back, Kasie B.  Or should I say welcome home.

Evil, misunderstood, sparkle-infested castaway?  Yup.  Hard to miss.  Just follow the sound of hate.

Well-trained studio audience, eager to boo on cue and fulfill their reality TV fantasies?  There you all are.  Seems like everyone’s in place, so why not start the show, right?

Mostly, as I sat down to begin watching tonight’s season-extender, I was just praying, please let this be good.  I have an early meeting tomorrow, so I’m going to have to write this pre-bedtime.  At least make it worth my while.  And did it?  Meh.

I was lookin’ for a whole lotta sparkle up in this joint, and sadly, the only sparkle I saw was the glint of clutter atop my coffee table, that my eye continuously wandered to, begging to be tidied up, calling to me to make pretty throughout all two hours.  Sigh.  There’s always tomorrow.

Chris began the night with the confusing question of ‘how many think this is the best season ever?’  Um, none of them?  Isn’t this season failing miserably (again, said the girl with no proof or background whatsoever)?  Listening to the audience cheer for Sean and boo for Tierra was a bit ridiculous – I mean seriously, why didn’t he just hold up the signs where we could see them too, ya know?  Make us feel like a part of #bachelornation.

The kickoff to the episode, featuring Sean and Chris crashing Bachelor viewing parties was admittedly, pretty awesome, though I have some serious doubts as to the true fans present in these households.  I know I’m a bit unique in that under no circumstances is anyone allowed to watch with me except my husband (and that’s only because it’s cold outside and it would be rude to make him wait out there), but seriously, having 40 people over to catch the episode, including Uncle Lou and Aunt Jenny or whoever the randomly placed old people were?  Not buyin’ it.  I’m curious as to how these households were chosen (and how much Apple paid for what was basically a commercial for the iPhone).  Was there a secret contest?  And honestly, how is it even remotely possible for people to hear what’s going on during the show, with that many people in the room.  I know what it’s like when my girlfriends and I go for dinner, with all of us talking over each other (yet remarkably catching every word everyone says).  The idea though, of trying to hear over that many voices eager to throw their two cents in during this sacred time?  Shudder.

While I do see the appeal of having the Bachelor show up at my house (can you imagine how disappointed he’d be when he bursts in to find the babefromtheburbs just chilling, teeth well on their way to a nice red Shiraz-infused hue, husband asleep on the couch, with only the glow of a laptop for mood lighting?), but I don’t see having a bachelorette going on tour having the same effect.  I can just picture the next Bachelorette showing up at a sorority house only to spend her time there letting the girls tell her that no, she doesn’t look fat on the show and ‘OMG are those the new Tory Burch espadrilles???  Um, heLLO, hashtag aDORable!!!’

Most of the girls actually looked pretty good this time around.  Robyn’s new hair style suited her well, even if she did look like she’d be heading straight to a business lunch from the studio, and Desiree definitely gets my award for best hair and makeup of the night.  So pretty.

Of course Chris gets right down to business talking about Tierra, because really, what else is there to talk about this season?  Highlights for me were watching the close-ups of the girls laughing as they replayed Tierra falling down the stairs and Brooke’s desperate attempt to ensure she gets some camera time by making the comment that all the girls are jealous of Tierra’ ability to get shit down and secure herself the maximum allotment of time with Sean.

So while backstage, as Tierra is furiously dousing herself in perfume – or maybe it was pixie-dust – Chris is setting the scene by asking everyone to be on their best behaviour and give the poor thing a chance to explain herself.

Right off the bat, we all felt for Tierra right?  I mean her heart-wrenching words about how exhausting it is to constantly walk into rooms, lighting them, up, filling them with joy, radiating smiles?  The poor dear is just doing one public service after another it seems, and here we are, putting her eyebrows in their place (as if that’s possible – well – at least for one of them).  Why don’t we just send her over to the Middle East and see if she can figure all that shit out?  Maybe all they’ve been missing this whole time is some sparkle!  Maybe there they’ll give her the freedom to exude warmth without judging her for being, well, fucking psycho.

Poor Chris tries to simplify things for Tierra, throws her every imaginable bone to make things right and she is just oblivious.  At one point, when he is explaining the basic social custom known as ‘hanging out’ (you may have heard of it), he mentions that you don’t have to be best friends with everyone, but that you can just be friends, and I swear to God, I have literally been having the same exact conversation with my daughter who turns three tomorrow (single tear) since she is starting to develop tight little groups (fine cliques, my preschooler may in fact turn into a Mean Girl, there, I said it).  And you know what?  I think she gets it more than Tierra seems to.

Before he unleashes the wolves, he asks her…any regrets?  Silence.  Anything to apologize for?  Longer silence.  Jesus, girl.  Help a brother out.

I think Lesley said it best when she referenced Tierra making her cot (and presumably needing to lie in it).  Though Tierra tried to convince us all (for a change) that it’s the girls who are to blame for everything that has happened to her and that her way of seeing things is the only way, I find my mind wandering far, far away from Little Miss Nevada and her ‘no comment’ engagement.  God’s favour, my ass. Who even cares at this point?

And then there’s Sarah.  Sigh.  I am torn on what to make of her.  Do I feel for her?  Yes.  Did I tear up as she watched herself reliving the end of her journey with Sean (did I just say journey)?  Yes.  Do I admire her strength and her character?  Yes.  Am I proud of her for going on the show and opening up and recognizing her own self-worth?  Absolutely.  But – do I feel for her more than any single girlfriends I have who are wonderful and amazing and deserve to find the right guy and live happy, wonderful lives?  I’m not sure.  She doesn’t want to be treated differently, yet part of me feels like the public loves her and wants her to find her missing piece because of, well, her missing piece.

And, while the tears are flowing. Let’s just go ahead and bring up AshLee.  Watching the whole montage of their relationship, made me so sad and really, how could she not think that she was the one?  I mean, didn’t we all?

But then there was a new side of AshLee – the side that revealed just how serious and old fashioned she is and just how much she expected of Sean.  Calling him a frat boy with the other girls?  Why?  Because he laughed and was playful?  The guy friggin noticed you changed your hair colour, girl.  You can’t ask for much more than that.

As usual, when confronted by AshLee, Sean says the right thing and explains to her that he just ‘couldn’t find the laughter’ with her (um, can you write scripts for everyone’s breakups ever, please?).  I started to feel a bit weird about AshLee when she called Sean out for not calling her to check in with a ‘how ya doin’ babe?’ follow up once he gave her the boot.  Seriously?  What would that have done?  And truthfully, I think when Sean didn’t apologize for checking up on AshLee, that’s when her wheels started turning.

Don’t get me wrong.  I do love AshLee and I would be totally happy to watch her fall in love as The Bachelorette, but there’s a small part of me that thinks she totally made up that whole accusation about Sean telling her he didn’t have feelings for the other girls.  Even with all the candid footage during commercial breaks as they hashed it out, I’m sorry, but I just don’t think Sean would say that, and she did have a tiny little smile playing on her lips as she threw down the gauntlet.  That’s not really playing nice.

Oh well.  Just as the mood is tensing up, Chris lightens our load with a bloopers reel full of semi-funny events and we’re snapped back to reality.

Even though we all know who he picks at this point, I’m still looking forward to another finale and I’m DAMN curious about the whole letter action.

Until then, we can all guess how it’s going to play out.  Any thoughts?  The end is near, people.  The end is near.

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