The Bachelorette 2013 Episode 5 Review – Fremdschämen
by Jill Mader on June 25, 2013

977683_10151958591842846_1434991468_oFremdschämen.
A German term which describes the process of being vicariously embarrassed by someone else.

Schadenfreude.
A German term to describe enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.

These two terms perfectly sum up the experience of watching The Bachelorette, and were particularly appropriate this week, as Des and her eleven remaining guys traveled to Germany.

Roses are red, violets are blue…

Des spent the day playing tourist with Chris, but with an ominous undertone. Bryden was lurking in the background, watching, waiting to speak with Des. What a creep! This guy is off his rocker. Didn’t he almost quit the show last week? Why did he wait until they arrived to Germany to drop the truth bomb?

Des returned to her date with Chris a little upset, and Chris encouraged her to talk about it. Things seemed to be going OK, until he decided to read her a poem he’d written on the plane. Oh, buddy. Bad call. Remember Fremdschämen? THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE. *cringe*

Des, however, was in tears over her conversation with Chris and the poem. I don’t know about this girl! She gave him a rose.

Group dates stink…

bachelorette alpsNext, Des took seven guys on a date in the Alps. I would have been OK to just look at pretty, snow-capped mountains for the rest of the episode rather than watch another brutal group date.

Speaking of the group date, how is Juan Pablo’s occupation listed as “Former professional soccer player”? Anything that has “former” as a prefix is not a job! It’s a history lesson!

You know, I was about to say that the sledding looked REALLY fun (and it did) but then someone had to go and ruin it by saying “You know, love is like sledding down this hill!” NO IT’S NOT, CARRIE BRADSHAW. Love is like love, and sledding down a hill is like sledding down a hill. There’s no metaphor there.

The cocktail party inside the igloo was also cool. Damnit! I’ve decided that I like Brooks, and I don’t like Mikey or James. Zak told Des that ten years ago, he made a major life decision in Germany – he decided not to be a priest. Interesting. I feel like there are a few more conversations required on that subject. Brooks got the rose! Yay for normal guys!

And Ben, so do you.

Michael and Ben had the displeasure of joining Des for the dreaded two-on-one date. Ben is known for being disliked in the house, and Michael is a handsome lawyer. He kept talking about being the chosen one to “expose” Ben, like he was on some cop drama or something.

The date started out as painfully awkward, and then became just painful. Last season, Des “missed out on” (or as I’d describe it, “thankfully escaped”) doing the polar bear plunge. So she decided that she and her two beaus would do it together. PSYCH! Des didn’t actually want to get in the cold water. Instead, it was something so much more mockable.

A HOT TUG YOU GUYS. Like a hot tub, but a neon green tug boat that moves around the lake. What the hell? Who came up with this contraption? I feel like the words “hot tug” will get my blog flagged for inappropriate content. Any conversation that took place in that boat can’t be taken seriously because everyone was sitting in a neon green hot tub boat.

The dinner was even more openly hostile than the boat ride was. Michael was trying to reveal Ben as a jerk, but he ended up himself coming across as a bully. When Ben talked about taking his son to church on Sundays, Michael cut in that Ben hadn’t gone to church with the guys on Easter and hadn’t even called his son that day. He was being too aggressive, and Des flat out told Michael that he was making her uncomfortable.

After time alone with both guys, Des gave the rose to Michael. By the skin of his teeth! She said he was the person who she could see a future with, and he refused her offer to walk him out. Michael felt bad that he made Des uncomfortable, but he also felt that “justice has been served”. What a lawyer.

So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, goodbye.

While Des chatted with Harrison, the guys argued over who would get to talk to Des first. But Kasey was most eager to speak with her, because he and Drew had overheard James say some less than desirable things. None of it was surprising, that guy has come across like a total skeeze. Like most Bachelorette villains (this show has had more than its fair share), James is in it for the limited fame and fortune, and not for the girl.

They’d have to hold it in though, because Des opted to forgo the cocktail party.

Roses! When only one guy is being eliminated, it feels silly to list the names of the guys who got roses. Almost as silly as Harrison stepping forward to inform everyone that there is only one rose remaining, when that fact is plain as day. It came down to the meatheads – James and Mikey. Des kept James and sent Mikey home. Could any woman really develop a serious relationship with a guy named Mikey? It’s Mike or Michael, once you hit the age of 11.

Drew and Kasey are plotting their next move to take down James, and next week everyone will be in tears! But also in Barcelona, which is a beautiful place to cry.



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