We kick things off with a Vietnam flashback, except instead of the Vietcong it’s Goldust and that’s a remake of Apocalypse Now which I am now have to write (it ends with a Triple Powerbomb to Marlon Brando). It also looks as though the Big Show is to become the White Whale to Triple H’s Ahab, and now I have that song from Mastodon stuck in my head.
So, let’s see what I stopped setting fire to fire engines on GTA V for.
Brad And Vickie, Sitting In A Tree, Making Matches For TV
We get no pyro, but we get Brad and Vickie in the ring. Apparently THE AUTHORITY has placed its faith in Vickie and Brad tonight. Oh, so we don’t even get the real management figures on this show? Vickie assures us that there will be none of what we saw on RAW, which I think means no decent main event. Brad says his whole job is to ensure that Big Show doesn’t show up. Oh, but he hasn’t called out the National Guard. This is how the terrorists win, Brad.
Daniel Bryan makes his way out, and obviously he’s as disgusted with the lack of military presence as I am. He plugs the main event of Hell in a Cell, and says that there’s a rumour that the Big Show is around, and I really hope they start playing the theme from Jaws anytime the Big Show is supposedly in the arena. And…the Big Show’s here already? And he’s a ninja? Oh, wait, no: he’s not here. Yet. But Goldy Rhodes is here, and Vickie demands order and discipline. She sets a match for Bryan and the Rhodes vs. the Shield tonight, and Goldust’s nonplussed look at Vickie’s deranged laughter was…well, golden.
Zack Ryder tells us not to do what he does at home or at school, which considering his natural environment is catering is tantamount to telling kids not to eat. Bastard.
Even Bray Wyatt Hates Reality TV Stars
Back from the break, the Wyatts are in the ring already. Here’s the Miz and Kofi and it’s hard not to empathise with Bray for whatever problem he has with Miz. I don’t know what his reasons are, but they’re probably justifiable. Rowan is in the ring with Miz, who starts off strong with dropkicks and punches to the corner on Rowan. Tag to Kofi who stomps Rowan from the top rope, but Rowan takes control, tagging in Harper, who almost eats a monkey flip and does take a nice rope-assisted dropkick and a splash from Kofi for two. Kofi hangs Harper up and springboards into a big boot for two. Harper and Rowan, as I’ve said before, just look rough and powerful and that works very well for them probably because of the simplicity. Tag to Rowan who hits a bodyslam and keeps Kofi in the corner, tagging Harper back in. Cole apparently has ‘no interest’ in interviewing the Wyatts, which is a bitch move from a guy who’s worked in war zones. Kingston catches a charging Harper with a kick, sends Rowan over the top rope, but Rowan grabs Miz from the outside before he can make a tag: smart bit of wrestling. Kofi rolls under Harper’s boot, but then runs into a clothesline that he sells goddamn delightfully. I loved Harper putting his hand over Kofi’s face for the pin.
I liked this match: the Wyatts look good after their defeat last week. I’m excited about Rowan and Harper, because they do what they do well and, combined with their look and Bray’s weirdness, it’s convincing. The clothesline alone was a thing of beauty. 2.5 Stars.
Post-match, we’re looking at a Wyatt Family beatdown, but Bray holds his boys in check and says the lyrics to a Bob Dylan song. Or something close enough to nonsense that it makes no difference.
If AJ Was Really Crazy, There’d Be More Fires At House Shows
Back from a Hell in Cell promo, Brie is in the ring with her shoulder bandaged and out comes AJ Lee with Tamina. We recap Tamina’s brutal-looking splash and AJ’s post-match assault. AJ ducks out of the ring to start, and then sprints across it and slides out again. Outside, Tamina gets between Brie and AJ, but Brie manages to get behind AJ and coldcocks her. AJ’s thrown back into the ring and takes a Thesz press, but manages to hang Brie’s bad arm up on the second rope, staying on the limb whilst asking ‘are you okay?’ Because, you know, she’s crazy. She keeps working the arm, but Brie fights out until she runs into a spin-kick and an armbar takedown. AJ wraps the arm up on the ropes and then cinches in a hammerlock. Brie starts to get fired up with clotheslines and goes up for a missile dropkick off the second rope for two, then hits a knee right to the face, and another. Tamina tries to jump Nikki but runs into the steel steps (wah-wah-waaaaah…). AJ tries a roll-up, but Brie rolls through it and hits a facebuster, getting the three.
Not bad, really. Brie could do with reigning in the tennis match noises, but the match was a far cry from the Bathroom Break spectacles we try not to remember. Miss Bella is improving, and who the hell thought we’d see a Diva sell an injury from a previous show? 2 Stars.
WHITE. WHALE. HOLY. GRAIL.
We’re back from break, and Big Show enters in the ring. Maddox, you had one fucking job. And Big Show managed to sneak past security in a bright pink shirt? He still gets given promotional t-shirts? And a working microphone? God, the people backstage are hideously uninformed. Big Show is here to thank all of us, and that doesn’t seem like much considering he’s risking getting sued to say this. Our support means the world to him and his family, but I’m sure it’s not as valuable as, you know, money. Or food. Or a house not currently containing Triple H. He also plugs WWE’s social media whilst pretending to be a rebel. That hurt my head.
Vickie and Maddox show up and yell at him to get out. Big Show says that he has nothing to lose and JESUS, Maddox can sell a punch. That man is so unconscious that Leonardo DiCaprio is implanting the idea to wear a full suit into his mind.
Large Men In Singlets = Interchangeable
CM Punk heads to the ring now to meet Big E Langston, and is he simply here to underline Breast Cancer Awareness? Because I am now aware of it. CM Punk starts off with a waistlock, but Langston breaks out and the two men jockey for control with Punk being driven into a corner and flattened by Langston. Langston stays on him but Punk tries to strike his way out and low-bridges Langston to send him to the outside. Punk dives on Big E onto the outside, but Langston catches him and slams him onto the apron.
We come back from commercials with Punk held in a single-leg Boston Crab. He works his way to his feet and attempts a roll-up, but ends up in the Crab again. Punk makes it to the ropes, only for Langston to stay on him, striking him from a chinlock position. Big E goes for the WARRIOR SPLASH, but Punk gets the knees up. Punk gets his way back into it with some kicks and strikes, tries a neckbreaker, gets thrown into the corner and Langston spears the turnbuckle, heading to the outside where Punk dives on him.
Both men back in the ring with Punk up to the top rope and he hits a cross-body for two. High knee to the corner into a clothesline by Punk and he gets the Macho Elbow for two. Punk’s nipples are rigid. Ahem…he signals for the GTS, but Langston slides out, flattening Punk and hitting the Warrior Splash, but he only gets two. The straps come down and E’s going for the Big Ending, but it’s Punk’s turn to slide out and he clocks him with a kick to the temple and the Go To Sleep puts him down for three.
This was good. It didn’t live up to the standards of the last two weeks, but those matches set the bar high. Call it 2.5 Stars.
Oops, here comes Heyman with his stooges and he starts running down Langston so apparently he’s forgotten who he’s supposed to be feuding with. Oh, wait, he’s comparing Ryback favourably to Langston. Yeah…sure. Punk says he’s going to put Ryback to sleep like an animal, so let’s hope the ring crew put some sodium thiopental in that cell. Heyman quotes AC/DC and the Heyman Guys head to the ring. Punk gets beaten down on the outside and tossed into the ring…before Langston interferes, taking out Axel! Belly-to-belly on Axel! High knee to Ryback! Clothesline to Axel! Kick to Ryback! Face turn for Langston! Boom!
Del Rio Has Seen His Mortality, And It Looks Like John Cena
We’re back with Del Rio in the ring, waving the Mexican flag. Apparently we brought him out just to watch a John Cena promo, which means at least someone’s watching them. Del Rio calls himself Mexico’s greatest champion and export, although he says it ‘Mexica’ He says that John Cena is the Ultimate Gringo and that once he loses at Hell in a Cell, he’ll be a nobody. Del Rio then locks the cross armbreaker in to Josh Matthews because he’s a dick like that, but Josh doesn’t even tap out, so way to make Alberto look tough.
Your From The Vault Match is Jimmy Snuka vs The Barbarian; Barbarian won via a rope-assisted pin.
Gangs of New York, With Matadors
The Real Americans are in the ring, and I’ve realised that with his political views and his facial hair, Zeb Coulter is WWE’s version of Bill the Butcher. That makes Jack Swagger Leonardo DiCaprio and Antonio Cesaro that bald guy from Billy Eliot. Their opponents are the Usos. Cesaro starts off with Jimmy, who knocks him down off the ropes and then hits the Bubba Bomb and tags in Jey, who hits the clothesline to the seated Cesaro. Cesaro manages to make a tag to Swagger, and is low-bridged to the outside, but Swagger clotheslines Jey and works him in the corner with knees. Tag back to Cesaro. (Coulter: ‘Let me tell you something: the government shut down and all of a sudden the Los Matadores show up.’). Cesaro Swing to Jey, and Cesaro picked up a fair turn of speed there. Tag in to Swagger, who slams Jey for two and locks in some kind of full nelson. Jey breaks out, but gets knocked back into the corner. (Coulter again: ‘What type of people kidnap a person and put a bull mask on him?’) Swagger hits his corner splash on Jey, the Cesaro leapfrogs over him to hit the stomp on Jey for two as Jey gets his foot on the ropes. Tag to Swagger who keeps Jey down and knocks Jimmy off the apron.
Suddenly, Los Matadores’ music hits and I reach for my whiskey. El Torito and Zeb have a face-off before Torito gores him twice. Double whiskey. Jey goes for the roll-up and Swagger kicks out but eats a superkick and a splash for the three.
I could have done without the interference, but the match was okay. Zeb on commentary is enough to forgive all manner of sins, certainly. Swagger certainly approached Maddox levels of selling for that superkick. And even in the wake of the government shutdown, let’s not cast responsibility for Los Matadores at the Republicans’ door. Some things you don’t joke about. 2.5 Stars.
After the match, Los Matadores and Torito hit their finishing move, hereafter known as ‘Tempting Fate’, on Swagger for no reason that was shown onscreen and therefore kind of look like assholes.
It’s Not A Feud If Orton Isn’t Molesting Someone
Daniel Bryan makes his way to the ring, followed by…Randy Orton? Orton has a live mic and prophecises his victory at Hell in a Cell. At least he didn’t use the phrase ‘that kinda…bestiality sex‘, which was the first thought in my head when he started getting all Kurt Angle on Brie this Monday.
Following the break, Cody and Goldust come out, followed by the Shield. Goldust and Reigns start things off with Reigns battering Dust into the Shield’s corner. Tag to Ambrose, who continues the assault; tag to Rollins who follows suit and tags in Reigns who throws Dust into a corner. Goldust hits a back elbow for two and then an inverted atomic drop and a boot for one. Tag to Cody who comes in with missile dropkick, but interference from the Shield allows Reigns to take control and send Cody’s shoulder into the corner.
We’re back to the action with the Shield in control of Cody. A dropkick from Rollins gets two, who then tries to hit a neckbreaker which Cody turns into a backslide for two, but Rollins pops up and continues to work over Cody before tagging in Reigns. A splash from Roman gets two and he tries to keep down Rhodes who shows some fight before running into an elbow. Tag to Rollins, who keeps up the offence with stomps to Cody and a suplex to bring him inside the ring for a two count. Reigns comes back in and he puts Cody in sleeper. The crowd gets behind Rhodes as he punches away at Reigns before side-stepping a charge and throwing Reigns out of the ring. Cody tries to make the tag, but Reigns slides out of the ring, runs around to block off Rhodes before he can make the tag, but Cody hits him with a dropkick to knock him down: that was a nice sequence. Rollins runs in to knock Goldust off the apron and tries to attack Cody, but Cody knocks him into his corner where Ambrose makes the tag, just as Rhodes makes the tag to Bryan. Ambrose does a little gesture that basically said ‘screw it, let’s go’ when Bryan jumped in, which was glorious.
Bryan ducks a clothesline with a full head of steam and hits a dropkick to Rollins in the corner. He whales on Ambrose, backflipping out of the corner and hitting a clothesline to the man before hitting another dropkick to the corner on Ambrose, followed by a hurricanrana from the top rope. Rollins and Reigns dash in to break up the pin, but Goldust arrives, knocking Reigns out of the ring before Rollins hits a kick upside his head. Disaster Kick to Rollins from Cody and Ambrose sends Rhodes out of the ring. Bryan and Ambrose collide in the middle of the ring and bodies are strewn everywhere.
On the outside, Reigns hurls Cody into the barricade. Goldust gets in his face, Reigns goes for a spear and hits the steps instead. Bryan lays some kicks to Ambrose, then a snap suplex and heads upstairs before Ambrose catches him, hitting a double underhook suplex from the top rope; it gets two before Rhodes breaks up the pin. Rollins sends Cody out of the ring with a powerbomb into Goldust! Inside the ring, Bryan locks in the Yes Lock, but has to break it to clothesline Rollins out of the ring, and then backdrops Ambrose out, and then dives out onto Ambrose and Rollins! Ambrose and Bryan back in the ring, the Flying Knee and the win for Bryan and the Rhodes!
That took a little while to get going, but when it did it was worth the wait. I honestly didn’t know how that was going to end and the crowd seemed to be as into it as I was. Another enjoyable match where everyone looked great. 3.5 Stars.
I thought this show was really quite something. None of the matches were bad, which is a very good start, and several were a lot of fun. Some of the segments also were incredibly enjoyable (Maddox Falcon Punch). All in all, a very nice SmackDown, somehow greater than the sum of its parts. I, for one, would call it eight out of ten.
