I know I said I would do a profile this week, but there’s all these amazing deals for Thanksgiving weekend. I wanted to go over what’s for sale. The next four days can get brutal. I don’t want to fight New Jack, and Homicide at The Dickies Store’s bandana sale; or have to put Rey Mysterio in a crossface chickenwing, at Build a Bear. I won’t need to this year. Luckily I got my trusty catalogue from Heelton’s; the store for all your fine cheating needs. Lets check some of this stuff out.
Steel Encased Laptop, from York Tech: This is a great item for me, because it may not sound like it, but I’m a writer. I’m also getting into situations where I have to beat the hell out of someone with a blunt object. Well you just close this up and BOOM, it’s a weapon. I would love to have this when I’m writing Starbucks. It will be so much easier to bash those hipsters with this because I hate having to always look around for a lead pipe, or crowbar. I give this item **** stars.
Memphis Strong Guitars; 8 packs, or 12 packs on sale now. I never really use these, but if you’re a big time southern glamor boy, you will need plenty of these. I saw Jeff Jarrett go through eleven of these in a match against Barry Windham. They come customized with your very own logo. If Brian Christopher, and Colorado Kid are your fancy, this is a great buy. **1/2 stars
WWE Jobber Sale; Your choice, Fat Guy, or Skinny Kid: We need to except that the future crop of WWE superstars won’t know how to wrestle. Hunter is only going to sign guys that look good in vinyl trunks. Not all these guys will out-wrestle their opponents, but they can look better than their opponents. That’s where Fat Guy and Skinny Kid come in. Hell these guys are so great they could lose a submission match to themselves. *****stars
Speaking of vinyl trunks…
Monogrammed Vinyl Trunks Sale: Gone are the days when you could wear cutoff shorts and a sleeveless t-shirt, and claim you’re a wrestler. Wrestling fans want a man, who’s not afraid to walk around in basically a speedo and knee pads. Handle your day-to-day business in these stylish trunks. Heelton’s also is offering a free design on every pair you buy. Just think, your own custom design, that no one at home will be able to see properly. ***1/2 stars
This next item is more of a service…
“Boogie Woogie Man” Jimmy Valiant, Surprise Ass-Kicking Service: Jimmy Valiant has built his own small business, where you can hire him to jump out of nowhere and kick your buddy’s ass. Imagine the hilarity that will ensue when your friend, who is too drunk to open his front door, gets his ass kicked right on his own lawn. After being attacked; Jimmy will treat you, and your friend to free hair care tips, and stories about Manny Fernandez’ talking Alpaca. *****stars
Brief Case and Belt Hangers: Great for all your ladder matches, except for the ECW ones because their ceilings were too low for them. These are nice and strong, but have enough give for you to grab your item as you fall off a 50 foot ladder. Of course then you maybe broken in half, hoss. ***1/4 stars
The WWE World Heavy-Weight Title: Own the belt held by all the greats. Mat-technicians like Mark Henry, Big Show, Kane, and Great Khali. This big gold monstrosity will be the envy of all your friends, as you wear to the pool, or during a intimate night with the Mrs. She’ll love its big glow that overcompensates your manhood, by 80%. *****stars, woooo!
Finally…
Heelton’s Book, and DVD Sale: You’ll get the finest literature like, Use The Chair, Man, by Balls Mahoney; Also available are the following dvds, “TNA Presents: The Best of Rob Terry”, “WCW’s Most Dangerous Coal Minor’s Glove Matches”, and “WWE Rivals: DOA and Los Boricuas”, with special insight from Brian Lee, and Jose Estrada. Stars vary.
So as you can see Heelton’s has a lot to offer the modern heel. Whether you’re an accountant, or a grocery clerk; we all need to take some time to hit someone with a chair.
