Aaaand that’s how it ended with Eric.
Ok. So where to go from here is the question.
Let’s start with the tragedies of the last two episodes and then build ourselves back up to a renewed place of shallow judgement and third party giddiness. You know – where we’re comfortable.
First tragedy: I ran out of wine just in time for Monday night’s episode. I suppose my body could have used the break from alcohol having just returned from a glorious ‘Moms gone wild’ cottage weekend with eleven girlfriends, no kids and the burning of various substances such as our flesh (as it embraced that elusive sun for the first time since what feels like the early 1600’s), something that vaguely looked and smelled like popcorn, but which we’ll refer to only as ‘the incident’ or ‘the day we almost lost our security deposit’ and, well, other things that burn. Silly things. Fun things. Still though, no wine + Bachelorette = tragic.
Second tragedy: Oy, Dylan. Not sure if I fully take back my observations of Dylan being incapable of smiling or showing emotion, because this is still sort of the case with him, but yet…the story of both his siblings OD’ing on drugs, and having the image of his mother on the hospital room floor is now pretty much entrenched in my soul much like the story of Ricky’s plane crash and Emily’s secret pregnancy. She wasn’t feeling well so she didn’t get on the plan that day, guys. Cue tears.
Third tragedy: The general existence of Andrew and his perma-grin. There’s one every season. The guy who isn’t getting any attention because the bachelorette isn’t interested whatsoever in him so he creates his own screen time by becoming the self-proclaimed narrator, delivering such compelling statements as ‘you know, we haven’t seen anyone come back from a one-on-one date without a rose yet.’ Really? Do I have to bring out my Bachelor manual and highlight section 4.8 for you that explicitly states if one is not given the rose on a one on-one-date, one goes home immediately? Do I??? I just find his opinions very…unwelcome. It’s as if he’s just sitting at home, watching and observing, assuming he knows what people are thinking and feeling on the show, judging their every move and then sharing those observations with anyone who will listen. I mean what kind of person would do that? Don’t people have better things to do with their time??? Oh…wait…
Fourth Tragedy: Ron’s dead friend. That just sucked. And he was a sweetheart too, even if he had no chance of getting anywhere beyond a group date.
And finally, there’s the departure of Eric. I’m just going to get this out of the way now so I don’t have to go back to it later. Was it just me or did anyone else think Andi was being super-defensive and Eric was kind of just misunderstood? I think what he was trying to say was that he’s opening up to her as much as he can and she isn’t really reciprocating. What it came out as was pretty much him calling her fake and boring. Wasn’t the best communication I’ve ever seen, but not the worst confrontation in Bachelor history, by far. Sure there’s chat on Twitter about how they handled the closing of the episode. Should they have shown his final scene at all? Was the interview with Andi heartfelt? Did his making Andi cry make him look like a douche unnecessarily? Blah Blah Blah. But what else could they have done? If they had just come on and said – this is the point where Eric ‘left’ without an explanation, we’d have drawn our own conclusions, which would likely have been that Eric took one look at Andi at the cocktail party and went blind from yet another 46 pound dress consisting entirely of bling. At least now we won’t have to wonder.
I think it will be much more interesting to see how the news of Eric’s actual death is handled on screen as we now know it occurred during hometown dates.
Moving onto the double-episode-for-no-reason-other-than-ratings recap. It’s confusing to look back at all my notes as so many things have happened. One thing I am sure of though, is that I truly, actually like Andi and am pleasantly surprised by this season so far. In fact, I can’t remember enjoying watching a season of this show more in recent history. Sure she wears too many plain tops and could use a pop of colour like Cody could use a visit from the Funky Bunch and yes, the whole y’all thing is still really annoying, but really, she is talking to these guys. She’s getting to know them. She’s asking the right questions. She’s sensing things about them and is usually pretty spot on. She’s got a great attitude, she’s got a sense of humour and she’s pretty normal. Plus, the same things make us cry (AKA everything).
To my excitement, adorable little Nick finally gets a one-on-one date and, if you live in LA, by reasonable standards, their date was the most ‘normal’ so far. A day at the beach, a day to hike and a chance to showcase just how little Andi’s thighs rub together in white shirts when she walks.
Andi and Nick spend the day performing the magic art of pulling full wine glasses seemingly out of cliffs and ravines, stopping to have moments of adorable conversation which fuel their desire to find a relationship worth working on and fight for it, and turning each other into what I can only assume is believers and not in fact, the less popular, Beliebers.
Back at the house, it’s like Bradley is channeling his inner Sharleen with awkwardly timed warm-up drills while the melodic hypnosis of Boyz II Men send us all back in time to memories of heavy petting and manual stimulation. I think back then the song should have been called ‘I’ll dry hump you’, because really, who was making love during those golden years? Certainly not I.
The boys are divided into two rooms (let’s call one Shame and one Despair – or in the actual case of how they were written on screen – rehersal room 1 and rehersal room 2. Yup, there goes that global spelling crisis I mentioned last week. I’m that good.) Between Bradley doing his best Gaston impression, and the rest of the boys living out their boy band fantasies or leaving their testicles at the door to hit that falsetto (really, Tasos?), things just went from bad to worse.
The conclusions I mainly drew from the group date were A) they’re all good sports. I’m not gonna lie, even if I had the voice of a thousand angels, you can bet your ass I would NOT be getting up on no outdoor mall stage and singing to anyone. B) Someone needs to tell Bradley that he isn’t Jean Valjean. For reals. The poor little girl on her dad’s shoulders couldn’t figure out why she was being punished and C) Opera singers should really only date other opera singers. I realize this statement might be offensive to potential opera-singing readers of mine, but I’ve already lost a couple of fans this week over including the Urban Dictionary’s definition of a Rosebud on my facebook page, so what’s one or two more? Besides, you know I’m right.
The night time portion of the date, among other things, brought forward a hint of Eric’s demise. I mean, if he can’t get comfortable on a love seat with three hand job blankets, he’s in trouble. Other notable one-on-ones went to Josh, who returned to the group covered in lipstick from his tasty make-out sesh with Andi, and Marcus, who I’m fairly certain is rapidly turning into a Stage Five Clinger. There’s no doubt in my mind that he’ll become the male version of Andi from JP’s season, minus the ballsy tell-off at the end. He’s going to need constant reassurance on every date that they’re progressing and it’s going to be annoying.
JJ’s one-on-one the next day was fun and all, but I think the playful nature of the date, while entertaining, probably took away from actual time spent getting to know each other. Though I’m obviously not on board with elder abuse, there were points where I wanted to punch them (or myself) if I had to hear them repeating what they imagine to be phrases that old people say all, friggin day long, over and over again. Once they finished off the make-believe portion of the date, complete with awesome Werthers product placement, I actually really liked JJ (who knew I could have a thing for a ‘pantsapreneur’. Don’t get me wrong, the guy has no chance with Andi, but still…
The next night at the cocktail party, I was sobbing right along with Andi for acknowledging Ron’s departure and her gratitude for the sacrifices these guys are making for being there. The way she went on and on, you’d think they were marines or something. Sweetie, this isn’t Flanders Fields. They came to LA to party in a mansion with the hopes of scoring some poon.
Eric continues to go down in a blaze of glory while stumbling over his words as Nick’s flower delivery arrives. Really? As if a delivery man would just be allowed to waltz into the house? There is something about these overt gestures that I do find kinda icky and unfair to the other guys generally, but how can you resist Nick’s adorable outfits and his simple but direct ‘you’re pretty’. Note to guys – every girl wants to be called pretty. Regularly. I don’t care if you’re married and you don’t even look up from your Game of Thrones marathon when she asks you how she looks. Just throw that word in every now and then and you won’t regret it. Besides making your woman stand just a little taller (at least until one of your kids snaps her back into reality), there might even be a BJ in it for you.
So Nick has Andi backed up against a pillar while Josh and JJ are intent on backing Andrew into a corner. Despite Andrew’s claim that he was being ‘attacked’, that annoying smile of his barely left his face – even as his Bachelorette world crumbled around him. I don’t know what was worse – Andrew’s run into an upstairs washroom, or Rated R’s limping escape through mall landscaping while in a cast on Ali’s season when he’s accused of having a girlfriend. Either way – ew.
Can you just cut the dramatics for a minute, Andrew? Josh and JJ ‘attacked’ you? They executed a plan and it’s all out warfare? The only warfare you’ve ever been involved in was caused by a 30% off sale on chinos at Banana Republic and I would hardly categorize Josh and JJ as lowlifes. And how convenient that he ‘doesn’t remember’ bragging even though 70% of the guys in the house all heard him? On the bright side though, we did learn that Andrew is a man of tolerance – I mean he treats dorks, nerds and assholes with the benefit of the doubt, guys. That’s not easy.
I don’t know how Andi didn’t feel the tension in the room as she came in pre-rose ceremony, but somehow, she didn’t and within a few minutes she said goodbye to Brett and Bradley. Guess Jean Valjean didn’t get to see ‘one day more’.
This is where I would normally tie things up with a little bow and be on my merry way, but wait, there’s another friggin’ episode to write about.
So we get to New England, or should I just say, we get to the hotel, since every date revolved around one room or another in it. The guys have a quick snuggle in the hot tub and Dylan gets the news that he’s scored the one-on-one which almost makes him crack a smile.
Since we had learned a bit of Dylan’s story prior to the date, I really appreciated Andi sensing his burden and patiently waiting for him to be ready to tell her. She must have been distracted by what the date would bring when she got dressed for the evening portion because I’m not too sure what that brown fleece turtleneck she chose for dinner was supposed to be conveying.
There isn’t really much more to say about their date. Yes he’s a sweetie, with a troubled heart but they have absolutely no chemistry. She needs someone who’s silly and funny and me-thinks he’ll be gone within the next few episodes.
Back at the house Cody gets the group psyched for their group date and before we know it they’re pumped on the court in various slightly feminine outfits (Capri tapered sweats, Nick? (fine you’re adorable). Leggings under shorts, Eric? Just why?
Once we got over the sheer size of the women about to attack them on the court (I mean really what else is there to become if you are that much of a behemoth besides a member of the King’s Guard on Game of Thrones) it was amusing to watch the boys get into game mode. Coach Brian’s adorable motivating of the ‘Rosebuds’ combined with Marquel’s smack talk (I assume ‘eating cereal’ is the new ‘kick rocks’?) was exactly the right mix of cute and funny to pass the time. Am I the only one who thought it was weird that the Rosebuds had printed shirts while the Five of Hearts had to use a Sharpie to draw their kindergarten-skill-level hearts?
Yada, yada, yada, sports sports sports, champagne toast akin to the Zoolander gay gasoline fight scene to add to the homoerotic nuances of the evening and sadly, we bid adieu to my little Josh and the extremely, disturbingly sweaty JJ, among others.
The best part of the evening was for sure when Brian took her onto the court (can we say best future dad ever?). Sure can shoot a basket, but the fact remains that he’s got no game. Shame. Not to worry though – Nick’s got enough for both of them. Despite him not having game though, Andi clearly wants him to shoot his load into her basket, because he’s the one who leaves with the rose.
Next, Marcus snags the obligatory fear-conquering, death-defying height challenge date that every season of the Bachelor or Bachelorette must have – yippee! Honestly, why can’t they do normal things on these dates? Like eat chicken wings, or go for dinner in a restaurant – and actually – wait for it – eat?
Though Marcus doesn’t really do it for me (I mean the guy already said he’s in love with her by episode two), he did a pretty kick-ass job of calming Andi down and talking her through it. I think the most challenging part of the date was likely having to face the other guys plastered to the window while his balls burst through the harness as he dangled precariously in front of them trying to play it cool.
But Andi, being the normal girl that she is acted probably exactly how I would act once I got to the bottom and was released. I have to admit she was absolutely adorable and very proud of herself in a very real way. And the fact that I leaned her mother plays Mah Jong made me like her even more. So I play. What are you gonna do about it?
For the night time portion, Andi puts on yet another plain outfit, completely void of accessories and they proceed to ignore their food. What happened? They started out so well this season! Is she afraid of the freshman 15? I think there should be a spinoff show called Meals of The Bachelor, where homeless people can compete in challenges to win the completely untouched, previously discarded food that never get to fulfill their meal destiny on the show.
Surprise, surprise, the night caps off with a country music performance (God Bless America ) and Andi and Marcus get planted on a platform like an awkward cake topper while Marcus alternates between serenading her and admitting he’s already in love with her. Like I said – Stage Five Clinger. Do they really need to be on a stage? Isn’t it awkward enough?
I don’t really know what the point the next day was of her getting her ‘secret admirer’ note, other than trying to convince us that curling up on the couch in high heels is completely normal, but I guess it was a nice segue into the cocktail party.
I am pretty sure Andi has already worn the dress from that night – then again, it’s hard to see when you’re staring right at the sun, so who knows. The night had some unexpected highs and lows – the high being Brian finally getting the balls to kiss Andi (adorbs) and the low being – what else – the end of an Eric. Sigh.
Sure there were other memorable moments, like Marquel, who spent his valuable one-on-one time teaching her self-defence moves (um hello season premiere material), rather than getting out of the Friend Zone and getting to know her on as serious a level as he is capable of.
The whole episode ended weirdly. Andi totally freaking out, Josh getting all ‘nobody puts Baby in a corner’ and Eric leaving dumbfounded. Huh?
Of course, Chris Harrison came in to save the day, and really, I think they handled it well. It was sort of weird to hear that Tasos was gone just like that, but nice for Andi to have her say and get as much closure as any of us can hope to get from this weird and traumatic turn of events.
I’m hoping that next week, we can move on and get back to the mind-numbing entertainment we’ve all come to expect from this show. In the meantime, help a sister out with some facebook likes. I mean seriously what does a girl have to do? I’ve already lost a few fans because some people just don’t feel that fisting is an appropriate topic for a Wednesday afternoon (see – if you liked my Facebook page you’d know what I was talking about), so I could really use a little bit of love.
Thanks for reading – now onwards and upwards, Bitches! Till next week!
Tags: the bachelorette