What-ho, mothermuffins. It’s me, your friendly British recapper…guy, taking a break from being actually incredibly productive in the area of household chores to review some SmackDown. And but two days away from Survivor Series, we shall see what last acts shall affect the main event this Sunday.
We get a promo which is basically the Authority going ‘look how goddamn awesome and smart we are’, which is sort of hard to accept if you’ve watched Game of Thrones. Or The Godfather. Or Breaking Bad. Or Adventure Time. I mean, I feel sort of happy about those two characters existing solely in the wrestling business, because in anything approaching the real world, they’re already dead. As we go through this whole self-masturbation thing (isn’t it automatically self-masturbation, unless otherwise qualified?) I get some green tea, because at the ripe old age of twenty-three, I feel like I need to secure some sort of immortality via what I put into my body.
Oh Lord, it’s Michael Cole in the middle of the ring. Unless they’re presenting him as an offering to Brock Lesnar (Lesnar consumes or uses every part of the sacrifice), then this isn’t going to be good. And he brings out Triple H, so there goes that cannibalistic, sodomy-flavoured dream. I’m also pretty sure that Michael Cole and Triple H aren’t allowed to talk to each other whilst wearing pants (I’m also pretty sure I invented that rule and it has never been observed). Michael waxes depressed about the fact that their nude-below-the-waist interviews might never happen again, and Triple H tells him not even to go there (a man needs some comforts). Michael’s claws come out as he tells Hunter that we all hate him; this is the bitchiest wrestling-assisted break-up ever.
Triple H asks if Cole thinks our opinion matters; he claims that we are in a symbiotic relationship with him, but then seems to place himself in a parental role above us. Shit’s getting Freudian all up in here. Michael then berates Triple H’s management skills, which is sort of fair considering that Triple H started out as a wrestler, not a manger. He’s like the American Dream. Trips then claims that he outlasted more popular wrestlers than him, because he’s smarter than them, and what that means is he knows how to seduce a powerful woman in the workplace during a period of high and faux-romantic contact. And apparently this makes him a constant: eternal. The Alpha and the Omega.
Cole points out that if Team Authority loses, Hunter will be gone on Monday. Triple H then praises Vince McMahon, saying that the WWE exists today because of Vinnie Mac, and that only two people can take his place: Shane McMahon and Paul Heyman. No, wait, Steph and Trips. He says without them, the WWE will die, despite being the Comcast of the wrestling world. Michael then says ‘fine, so what happens if you guys win?’ Triple H invites Team Cena to the ring as he plays a segment of an interview between their captain and Michael Cole.
Team Cena shows up, using Dolph Ziggler’s theme music: suck it, Ryback. We see a segment showing that Cena knows he’s got the others in a sticky situation, and that means they’ve got to win. Hunter then says that when Team Cena loses, everyone on that team is fired. But considering John Cena has managed to spit on every stipulation and contract ever imposed on him, I’m pretty sure they’re going to be fine.
Rusev’s music hits, and he walks past Team Cena…who for some reason do not grab hold of him and break all four of his limbs. Which, let’s face it, is probably higher-priority now that their jobs depend on them rendering him unable to defend himself this Sunday. Seriously, if I was on either team, I would have sixteen tonne weights suspended throughout the entire arena and have littered the locker room with bear traps. Containing actual bears, so the bears are uber-pissed.
Moral Of This Story? Break A Man’s Limbs While You Have The Chance
We come back to witness Dolph Ziggler sacrificing himself to ensure that Cena hands Rusev his first pinfall loss. What a team player. Rusev pushes Ziggler back on the ropes and punches him. Dolph plays duck-around and manages to land a couple of blows on Rusev, but runs into a back-elbow. Stomp stomp stomp to Ziggler, but he comes back with fists and a dropkick, only for Rusev to come right back and knock his ass down. According to Michael, John Cena is sitting at home right now; show up to your job, you lazy fuck. And also, Cena doesn’t get fired if Team Authority wins. I’d make a Cena-protected joke, but I think WWE beat me to it. Ziggler hangs Rusev up on the ropes, and knocks him down to the ground, but when he follows him out Dolph gets flung into the steel steps.
We get a promo to advertise what a badass the Big Show is, which makes it seem unlikely that he’s getting fired. When we come back, Ziggler’s in a sleeper, but escapes with a jawbreaker. Rusev runs into the turnbuckle, nearly gets rolled up, then again. He catches Dolph with a fallaway slam, but Ziggler rolls out of it and hits a superkick for a two-count. Also, JBL seems to think that no member of Team Cena has any money set aside, and has no chance of getting another job, which is kind of something coming from the millionaire ex-wrestler on commentary. Stinger splash to Rusev, then some punches before Rusev pushes him away. Massive spinning heel kick to take Dolph’s head off, but Dolph nearly hits the Zig-Zag; Rusev throws him off and flattens him against the ropes. He drags Ziggler to the centre of the ring and tries to apply the Accolade, but Dolph scoots out and scores with the Zig-Zag! Rusev kicks out after a long struggle to get the pin. Fameasser’s blocked; the DDT’s blocked; the big Bulgarian (not Russian, Michael) hits the superkick for the win.
I liked this match. Ziggler is believable as a guy who can knock off the big guys; similar to Seth Rollins and CM Punk. Nice back and forth 2.5 Stars.
Post-match, the Accolade is applied, because Rusev actually recognises the value of crippling your future opponent before a fight. Later tonight, Big Show and Ryback will take on Kane and Seth Rollins.
Backstage, Kane is on the phone to, let’s face it, no-one, but then hangs up when someone we don’t see (probably no-one as well) knocks on the door.
We see a ‘New Day’ promo; apparently they’re coming on Monday, but who cares about that when a main event thing could be happening too?
Kane is still backstage, and apparently the person at the door (although not on the phone) was Antonio Cesaro. He seems to be like the guy who’s not really on the team, but still hangs around with the team, of Team Authority; he’s the Scrappy Doo is what he is. Kane seems to be fairly open-handed with giving orders to the guy who, let’s face it, should have his spot on the Team. Cesaro exits with the line ‘long live the Authority’; dude, this is not Nazi Germany. Also, I thought the Swiss were perennially neutral. Like, that and chocolate is their thing. And clocks?
Man, The Things This Match Would Do To Me If I Suffered From Clinical Depression
God, I hate that whole happy/sad feeling of seeing Sandmiz and Miz. More sad, at the moment, because of that Grumpy Cat bullshit. I mean…there have to be depths that WWE will not stoop; there have to be dicks they will not suck. So far, they’re still looking for them. Oh, and hell, they’re facing Los Matadores. So…I’m not going to be reviewing this. I’m calling in my one-use-per-year thing where I tell you guys to review the match instead of me. Funnily enough, I’m sure the last time I did this was due to a Matadores match as well. Make of that what you will. You know the drill: review the match for me and submit said-review via the comments section. I’ll be here, sipping my ginger tea (I’m going to live forever).
What I got from that, aside from the fact that the WWE thinks my blood contains too little alcohol, is that we’re having a fatal four-way match for the tag titles at Survivor Series. Fair enough; I miss the Wyatts.
Dean Ambrose shows up, making his twitchy way to the ring. He says that he’s not the average WWE superstar, and says he doesn’t care about any of the psychological disorders he has; he’s just going to survive. He tells us a story involving his mother, a twenty dollar bill and group of older guys; definitely not what you think. Basically, Mrs Ambrose gave a pair of brass knuckles to a child, which is piss-poor parenting. Also, you’d think brass knuckles would have been a good thing to have on you if you thought Bray Wyatt was going to jump you. I imagine, after enough concussions, he’d get the message. He says he’s going to put Wyatt down, whereas Wyatt has said he wants to fix Dean. Lot of animal metaphors going on here.
Bray shows on the screen, and apparently he’s in prison. Holy shit, did they finally go after him for assault charges? He pretends to be Dean’s dad, which is sort of weird considering that he’s younger that Ambrose. He says he’s going to leave Dean drowning in a pool of his own filth: that’s what my parents say will happen to me. Creepy Wyatt schtick abound.
AJ Acts The Bellas Acting Better Than The Bellas Actually Act
Brie and Nikki are in the ring, and I’m starting to regret using my once-a-year avoidance ticket already. Then Nikki’s music hits again, and AJ is dressed as Nikki. Nikki’s far more pissed than someone should be about this, but it’s Brie who’ll be fighting AJ. They circle each other, as Nikki fumes on the outside. AJ dodges a charge, but then Brie hits a waistlock takedown; AJ gets Brie in her headlock and takes her over. Kick to Brie’s midsection; AJ runs into a back elbow and gets her face rocked off the turnbuckle; AJ manages to reverse it, returning the favour. At one point, she smacks Brie’s head into her breasts, which surely should hurt AJ more than Brie. Ever seen a woman get hit in the boob? Drops them.
Punches to the face of Brie, then AJ takes out her falsies (oh, continuity) and hits Brie with them. Okay, surely that’s use of a foreign object. Unless you’re making the point that things women do to themselves to conform to a male-dominated ideal are actually part of their body. Man, I did not think a side-effect of that English degree would be me to spot the feminist reading in professional wrestling. Brie gets AJ into single-leg Boston crab. AJ reaches the ropes, then applies a front facelock. Brie forces a break by smashing AJ into the corner, but then runs into a pair of knees. Clothesline takes down Brie, then a neckbreaker for two.
Brie manages to hit a dropkick, then a knee to the face, then her ‘BRIE MODE!!’ missile dropkick for two. Nikki gets up on the apron to yell ‘finish her’ at Brie. AJ, inner geek awakened by the Mortal Kombat reference, shoves Brie into Nikki and rolls up Nikki.
I usually don’t love endings which happen because one person can’t control their rabid, ravaging stupidity. However, this is Nikki Bella, and according to rumours I might soon have to be subjected to her godawful acting and barely-passable wrestling more than I already am. So I’m sort of fine with it. Match was pretty meh. 2 Stars.
Nikki attacks Brie after the match. See, this is okay as long as they don’t try to display Brie as a strong role model for women during this gimmick. I mean…I’m sure they will; it’s the WWE handling anything involving women.
In other news, apparently getting World’s Strongest Slammed through a table can totes fuck up your nerves. Sheamus is out for an indeterminate length of time; who’s going to be the new number one contender for Rusev’s title?
Can We Please Secure The Rights To Duelling Banjos?
Well, it’s time to see what Rowan can do against an opponent of Cesaro’s calibre. I’m interested, because one of Cesaro’s many pros is that he brings out the best in whoever he wrestles. I currently have no idea what Rowan’s motivation is; if it turns out that Harper used to non-consensually sodomise him, I would believe it in a second. Apparently Cena’s punishment if his team loses will be getting tortured until he quits. In other words, will be offered many more opportunities to out-underdog himself whilst kicking out of everything short of a nuclear strike. Poor bastard.
Cesaro slaps the mask off Rowan’s face and goes on the attack, but Rowan just hurls him out of the ring. Headbutt to Cesaro on the outside. Back in the ring, Cesaro hits a shoulder to Rowan on the apron, but Rowan slugs him. Cesaro hits a dropkick and more strikes, but it’s the FRISKY BEARHUG! Cesaro nearly gets a roll-up; Rowan hauls him up to his feet, but Cesaro hits headbutts and then runs into a bodyslam.
On the outside, Cesaro hangs Rowan up on the ropes, then applies a sleeper. Erick backs him into a corner, then runs into a boot. Cesaro goes up high, but gets brought back down and hit with a shoulder block. Pumphandle backbreaker sends Cesaro reeling, then it’s the Torture Rack for the win.
Huh, that was pretty interesting. Lots of back and forth, which you know I’m fond of, and Erick Rowan looks like a threat. I remember saying I was interested in him when the Wyatts first got here, but I sort of abandoned him after getting to know Harper and Bray better. Let’s see what he does this Sunday. 2.5 Stars.
Harper comes out, staring at his possible ex-sodomy slave (I’m sticking to my story), and approaches the ring. Wow, it’s going to be like a wedding in the Deep South. Ah, no, Harper pussies out, then pussies in, and then pussies out again. I’d call it ‘mind games’ but, you know…Harper and Rowan.
Backstage, Big Show is talking to Ryback and Dolph Ziggler. Not sure what about; the sound’s off. So…probably AJ’s Bella cosplay.
When we get back from the break, Renee Young’s joined them, as has Erick Rowan, and she asks them about Survivor Series. Please, Renee, you’re interrupting a very serious conversation about boobies. She asks them if they think the firing thing is fair. Wow, Renee, how neutral of you. Big Show’s fired up and says that they’re not going to back down. They’re going to finish it. Ryback says he knew this was coming, which is fairly far-sighted of him. Ziggler gets all mopey about the IC Title; apparently now he has nothing to lose. Okay, suicide-watch that guy right now. Erick Rowan was doing a Rubix Cube through that whole thing, and Renee actually interviews him. He just says…‘freedom’. Um…that was a fairly emotional moment.
Wow, actually.
WWE: Blood And Sand
It’s main event time. Kane and Seth Rollins get to the ring, followed by Ryback and Big Show. The ring announcer then states that Rowan and Ziggler are banned from ringside. I mean…that would probably be more impactful if they’d been there already, but whatever.
Ryback starts off against Rollins, and this is for costing me the title, you greasy fucker, thinks Ryback, as he throws Seth all around the ring. Rollins bails fast, then comes back in to pound on Ryback before he takes a Thesz Press. Tag to Big Show, who nails Rollins with a chop, and then another. Headbutt to Rollins, and then Show walks over him. Tag to Ryback, who continues to smash the shit out of Seth some more, only for Seth to fire back with some chops, which are totally ineffective. Wow, I am seriously enjoying this ass-whupping. Ryback runs into a kick, but Rollins leaps into a bodyslam. Kane tries to get involved, and Ryback kicks his ass back down to the floor, then hurls Rollins over the top rope onto him.
Triple H’s music hits, and what, a man in his forties is going to fight Ryback? Oh, and he’s brought his team. Fucking wuss. Seriously, where the hell is Cena?
Back from the break, Kane is now getting his ass kicked, but does score on a DDT to Big Show. Rollins comes in, hitting a tonne of kicks, but when he pins the Giant, the kick-out sends him out of the ring. He comes right back, levelling Show with some punches. Kane comes in, keeping Big Show grounded and applying a sleeper. Big Show fires back up, hitting a back suplex and tagging in Ryback. Rollins also comes in and starts getting put right through the mill by the Big Guy. Team Authority is driven into a frenzy at this display of dominance, and falls on Big Show, attacking him from the DQ.
This was actually a nice example of how the teams might play out. I also like the fact that this sort of was some comeuppance for Rollins, especially from two guys who just sort of dislike him. Good advert for Survivor Series. 2.5 Stars.
Rollins tries to hit Curb Stomp, but Ryback dodges, and nearly hits Shell-Shock. Noble and Mercury run in, and get clotheslined for their trouble, and Rollins gets a spinebuster. Mercury and Noble come right back: how the hell did these guys not win more titles? They stomp Ryback down, only for Ziggler to make the save…and get booted by Harper. Rowan approaches now, booting Henry down and clotheslining Rusev like they were nothing. Holy shit. Rowan enters the ring and has a scream-off with Harper, before Kane chokeslams Erick. Ryback spinebusters Kane and gets the fuck clotheslined out of him. Ziggler hits the Zig-Zag to Harper, then gets superkicked by Rusev and World’s Strongest Slammed by Henry: his nerves!
Team Authority continue to dick it all over Team Cena, but suddenly Big Show is on the outside, bellowing in defiance or rage or hunger. The Roar apparently gets everyone’s attention, and he chops, punches and clotheslines the shit out of everyone until Triple H attacks him with a chair and Rollins hits the Curb Stomp. Wow, so you guys had them at seven-to-four odds, but you still needed Triple H plus a steel chair? Team Authority are fucking dead men walking. Steel chair injections for every member of Team Cena, and apparently yes, they actually needed a forty-something year old guy to help. Damn, this is actually pretty brutal. This is that shanking scene from Superman Returns brutal. Triple H ends things with a Pedigree, on SmackDown. That’s like getting birthday sex on a not-birthday.
See, none of this would have happened if the WWE locker room had banded together and crippled Triple H and his wife. But you didn’t want to listen to me, did you?
This was a pretty awesome SmackDown. Match quality was okay, but the real beauty of it was the atmosphere: it was a calm-before-the-storm episode and we saw the beginning of the storm as it ended. Excited for Survivor Series, without a doubt. Eight.
David’s Movie Recommendation: This is never going to be one of my favourite films, but I have a certain affection for The Tourist. Johnny Depp and Angeline Jolie star, plus Paul Bettany and Timothy ‘James Bond’ Dalton are in it as well. It’s an interesting movie: enjoyable, but it’s never going to blow you away and it’s not really trying to. Still, worth a watch.
