Hello everyone at Inside Pulse, I’m Sebastian Howard and I’m writing for the best damn wrestling site ever! Some of you readers who have stuck with Inside Pulse for a while might recognize my name from back in the day, when I used to make inane, retarded comments on stuff like Way Too Long Rants, or old stuff in the archives. You see, back then I was like fourteen, so it makes a little bit of sense that what I was saying wouldn’t come out too great.
Back in 2010 I had a horrible case of insomnia and tried making intelligent points but everything just came out as gibberish. I remember when Randy Savage died I tried saying something to the effect of, “It’s such bullshit that Vince couldn’t get over his own ego, and now Savage is only going to get inducted into the Hall of Fame because he’s dead.” What I actually ended up typing was something like, “Randy Savage…. Bullshit dead… Vince.” Stupid, huh? But you try writing down coherent thoughts on three months of insomnia. I have other great memories of Scooter’s blog, like Charlie Reneke calling me inbred, and being called a stupid, straight edge virgin by Ryan Murphy. Awww, those were the days. The IWC is great for your self-esteem when you’re growing up….
Enough about the fucking lame assed BOD though, I want to talk about why writing for this site is a dream come true. Back in 2009 I was still pretty much a mark, I was into John Cena, Jeff Hardy, Undertaker, Randy Orton, Trips, etc… and then I found Inside Pulse. The very first “smart” column I’ve ever read was Charlie Reneke’s Way Too Long, Best of the 90s Review. After that I was hooked.
Ever since 2009 I have been straight addicted to this site, I read everything that would be posted that day, and then when there was nothing new to read I would go into the archives. I got so into Eric S, Hyatte, Grut, Flea, and the rest of the old IWC. The site has always been amazing to me… like it’s THE wrestling site. 411’s okay, but they take themselves far too seriously, and I loathe sites like pwtorch, or The Observer for their pretentious attitudes. Writers at Inside Pulse, even if they did have a bit of pretentious to them, always seemed like they were talking at you, instead of talking down to you. This is probably the only site I’ve seen, except for early 411, that had writers challenge the readers intellect. Guys like Hyatte and Eric S WANT you to form your opinions, to try and be yourself, and to expand your knowledge of things outside of just wrestling. And I think that’s why this site has always remained my favorite, and why it’s such an honor for me to be working for the site.
Anyway, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, I want to explain my writing style. I’ve been writing for a WCWin2000 site since 2012 (my early stuff is quite horrible) that Caliber and I have been doing, and were very close to finishing off all the 2001 Nitro’s. I also started writing for Renegade Cinema and have been doing a Youtube/Wrestling series over there that’s pretty fun. For this site I’m going to be doing something a bit different. I’m going to somewhat copy Eric S’s format, in that I’m going to talk about my life, wrestling news, and then do a short review piece on Raw. I also am sometimes really into the news, and sometimes I’ll just stop watching it for while. So if I become interested in a certain news topic, or topics I’m going to talk about it here as well. I think you guys are in for a bit of treat here if you haven’t seen any of my writing beforehand. I’m opinionated, vulgar, and sometimes even intelligent. So let’s get this party started….
My Life aka Trashy Adventures
So last week I got sixty dollars from my Grandma to, “go to the fair.” Really, I ended up going to my bud Nick’s house, and getting a lot of dabs, and cannabis sativa. I also went shopping beforehand and got a fuckload of food from Walmart and brought it to Nick’s. I mean a lot of shit, Pizza Rolls, Ice Cream, Pop Tarts, and a bunch of other shit. Well I was supposed to be able to stay at his house for two days, but Nick can never run the idea through his parents because they’ll just say no, so we pretty much just have to roll the dice, and see what happens. The problem with staying over there for only one day is that my Grandma lives in West Palm on 45th street, and Nick lives all the fuck over in Loxhatcee. So it’s a 23 minute drive to Nick’s house, and another 23 minutes back. I don’t mind it of course but my Grandma gets pretty pissy about it.
So after about a day and a half of just straight smoking weed, and dabs (goes along nicely with my Zoloft) Nick’s Dad decides to get super pissy with him, and tells him that I HAVE to go. Now the obvious problem with that is, to get a ride home I would have to call my Grandma. Oh, I’m sure that I could get a ride from her back to the house, but it is so not worth the never ending bitching, and general mental torment I’d have to endure from her because I tore her away from watching TV all day to come pick me up from my friends. So I ended up walking from Loxahatchee all the way to West Palm. That shit is like 20 miles, it took me six hours…. It was only supposed to take four but I kept on getting lost. And after walking that entire way, I STILL WASN’T HOME YET!!! I asked this Eminem look-a-like for directions on how to get to Shiloh Drive, and he started spazzing out about how long of a walk it was. So he gave me three bucks, and told me to just take Bus 3, as it goes along 45th Street/Shiloh Drive.
So I’m waiting for this bus, when this Vietnam Vet in a wheelchair, and his wife pushing him come up. And I swear to God, these people were the definition of white trash. The guy in the wheelchair looked homeless, had a giant white beard, and even though he was coughing like a motherfucker, wouldn’t stop smoking. His wife was even worse, she had the worst Southern accent to the point were you could barely understand what she was saying, and she was dipping the whole time AND SMOKING!!! I don’t mind smoking, as I’m a smoker, and I don’t really mind dipping either… but the way that she was doing it was absolutely disgusting. Anyway, I finally ended up back at my house, and read Norman Mailer’s Castle in the Forest until I got too tired to hear about a Demon controlling Hitler’s life, and fell asleep. I am not going to Nick’s for a fucking while… and I left all my damn food over there.
Well Triple H broke character on Raw so some little kid wouldn’t cry. You wanna know why Trips did it? Because Triple H is God, that’s why.
Marc Mero made a bunch of kids cry talking about bullying, why don’t you tell them about the time you put your wife in a potato sack? Actually Mero probably knows about being bullied considering he was married to Sable. Poor Lesnar… I don’t understand how he doesn’t realize how fucking loose Sable is.
Sheamus was backstage at Raw, soon we will get more lame jokes, and Sheamus bullying Bray Wyatt. Can’t wait.
And really that’s about it, excluding anything that happened on Raw. God, the news is so pathetic these days….
And the segment was going so good too: With Raw’s opening segment, they had me by the balls. Lesnar came out, and was pissed. He was ruminating over getting stomped last week by Rollins, and he’s out for the kill. Even Paul Heyman can’t control him! Triple H came out to pacify the situation, but Brock Lesnar wants to fuck him up too! Stephanie came out with the rest of the Authority and you could cut the tension with a knife. Seth Rollins appeared on the screen, and started taunting Lesnar, so all of Trips and Friends efforts were in vein. It looked like things were about to explode, what’s going to happen? Is Lesnar going to take on all of these guys by himself? Is he going to feud with Triple H? How will Seth Rollins become involved? What about the Clique coming back? And then John Cena came out and ruined all the tension. The whole segment became about John Cena overcoming the odds. Lesnar completely forgot that he was even angry, and didn’t even open his mouth for the rest of the segment. It was a complete slap to the face to anyone who was interested in the Lesnar/Authority story, and even worse, a huge slap to the face to anyone who’s sick of Wigger Boy.
1st Match: Bray Wyatt over Daniel Bryan: This match perfectly highlights one of the main problems I have with Daniel Bryan. Shouldn’t Daniel Bryan be completely pissed about what’s been happening to him? Shouldn’t he go backstage, and cause an impact, or at least try to attack Trips? Two years ago when Daniel Bryan was getting his ass kicked every week on Raw, he never even seemed that angry about it. Sure he would try to fight the Authority as best he could, he would even try to attack them sometimes randomly.
But he never seemed angry. It didn’t matter what they did to him, beat him up for weeks, handcuff him, arrest him, screw him out of the Rumble, etc… Daniel Bryan always seemed concerned but not angry. If this same thing was happening to Benoit, or Steve Austin do you think they would just be okay with it? That they would just show up once, get beaten in a match by interference and not come back later in the night to fuck with the evil guys? Of course they would. And I’m not sure if it’s just bad writing or if Daniel Bryan is just complacent with whatever they give him to do, but am sick of Bryan just letting himself get pushed around, over and over again. No other wrestler would take this, why should Bryan?
Damien Pacdow?: It was pretty cool seeing Kevin Nash on Raw, especially after what was happening lately. Cute mimicking with Sandow too, but no way did I think he was X-Pac. Looked way too healthy.
Roman sure looked strong: This segment was stupid on so many levels. I mean, who really cares what old wrestler’s picks to win the Rumble are? If I cared I’d look them up on Twitter. Then the Big Show came out, and while it was nice to see that he actually has a little bit of memory, his re-writing of history was pretty ridiculous. I’m not sure about Ric Flair, but I know that Hogan beat “Giant” like 800 times in WCW, and when DX was feuding with Jeri-Show, Shawn wasn’t too intimated by Big Show. Also, DX won like every time they wrestled each other. But then the biggest insult came from Roman Reigns coming down to the ring. Hulk Hogan, Shawn Michaels, and Ric Flair are not defenseless little old men who can barely move. I am 100% sure that Hulk Hogan and Michaels could’ve taken Big Show, or at least gave him a decent fight. The fact that this whole angle existed just to make Reigns look strong is pretty sickening.
2nd Match: Dean Ambrose over Bad News Bearatte: This was a nice little treat that WWE occasionally likes to throw out. Pretty decent match, but the flow was interrupted due to the goddamn commercials. No commercials during the twenty minute segments no one cares about, but three commercials during the matches you do want to see. That’s WWE…. Also, as nice as it was to see Ambrose win again for once… did he really have to go over the IC Champion? Being the IC Champion is basically a synonym for jobber these days….
3rd Match: A New Day over Tyson Kidd and Cesaro: Remember when Cesaro was in the main event picture, and was swinging around Cena? Remember when he was in the Elimination Chamber, and held his own? Who the fuck did Cesaro piss off backstage because this is bullshit.
Suck The Cook: You have three old tag teams, and the ones you use are fucking Road Dogg and Jesse James? Are you kidding me? KEVIN NASH IS RIGHT THERE!!!! I WANT TO SEE KEVIN NASH FUCK THE ACSENSION UP!!!! Kevin Nash and X Pac would’ve made a WAY better tag team than seeing those fuckers on my TV screen again. Jesus, WWE. Do you never learn from your mistakes?
CAN JOHN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS!!!???: I’m sick of this story, you’re sick of this story, so let’s just move on okay?
4th Match: Paige and Natalya over Summer Rae and Alicia Fox: Paige is so fucking hot. Alica Fox has gotten hotter lately too, she used to be a damn stick.
5th Match: Rusev over R Truth: I hate seeing R-Truth on my TV because he reminds me of how bad WWE was in 2010-11. He was getting a major push around that time too….
6th Match: The Usos over The Miz and Damien Mizdow: I am so fucking sick of this match, I feel like we’ve seen it a thousand times already. In fact, I’m pretty sick of WWE’s tag division in general lately, and the receptiveness and laziness of it. The entire booking scheme for a new tag team is, “Feud them against the Uso’s.”
Main Event: John Cena over Three Jobbers w/ Stinger-Ference: At this point I was so sick of the show I turned my TV off, and spent my time reading old Hyatte columns. What does WWE not understand about this storyline? It’s not fucking compelling, you’ve been beating the same Cena vs everyone story since 2005 when he debuted on Raw, and had to fight against the evil GM Eric Bischoff. Familiarity breeds contempt, and anyone watching the show for longer than say, two years, and has taste has a lot of contempt for John Cena at this point.
But for once, Cena isn’t the major point at the end of the story. No, it’s Sting. See, this highlights exactly why I think wrestling fans are stupid. If you give them something unpredictable and exciting at the end of the show, they’ll forget the three hours of horrible garbage they just say through. Sting coming back was cool, but is it really as big of a thing as people are making it out to be? Sting is old, he didn’t draw that much in TNA, and the only people who are excited to see him are older fans who either watched in the 80s or 90s. The problem toward marketing toward them is simple, they never stay around for long.
Back in 2002-03 WWE didn’t really know what to do booking wise, so they kept on making returns. Flair, The Rock, Triple H, Shawn Michaels, Scott Steiner, and Goldberg just to name a few. Y’know what happened each time those guys showed up? A two week bump in ratings, and then they went back to normal. I’m sure that Raw last night did great ratings wise just because of the amount of old wrestlers they had on there, but those numbers aren’t going to add any buyrate to the Royal Rumble, and they aren’t going to add any numbers toward next week’s Raw either. What amazes me about this is that WWE still hasn’t learned their lesson, even after it happening over and over again to them.
Sting on Raw will get a good rating… for about two weeks. He might even add some buyrate to Wrestlemania if they do the feud with him and Trips. But after that, the companies going to go straight back to where they were beforehand. They need to be making new stars that make people want to watch the show, and are already fans of it. Not bringing back old guys for a two week bump.
Alright, I’m ending the column here. I hope you guys enjoyed my first column for Inside Pulse. Stay safe, and try to do something fun… as long as it doesn’t involve hookers, or homeless guys.
Tags: John Cena, Sting, Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy