Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 01.28.15

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After a very boring week, filled with a whole lot of nothing as I couldn’t get any of my friends to hang out with, I had a ridiculously fun, trashy weekend. I called up my black Jew friend Darien, and just ended up getting blasted at his house. I ended up hanging out with Tyler, who’s this upper class kid, but acts like the fucking poorest, white trash guy ever. He’s addicted to crack, and since I was on a fuckload of weed, alcohol, and snorted half a Xnax he got my half-conscious ass to smoke Crack with him at like five in the morning in the bathroom at McDonalds.

Now, if that’s not white trash I don’t know what is…. I also ended up doing acid the next day, along with more alcohol and more weed, and I’ve been coming down heavy all day. Have an LSD hangover, were I just feel completely dead, and still a little bit bonked out of my head. So this review might come out a tad sloppy… so let’s rock n fucking roll!!!!

Random Media I’ve consumed Lately

Been really into Buffy The Vampire Slayer lately, great show but I would totally bang Willow over Buffy. Buffy’s a bit too prissy for me…

Also, the latest episode of Constantine was pretty kick ass. He got a Demon out of him by OD’ing on Heroin! Honestly, Constantine doesn’t always hit the right mark with its episodes, but when it gets it right it’s better than Arrow, or Flash on their best days. Also, I want to mention that the two Prison Break Guys from The Flash this week… they were so fucking cheesy. They have to be the lamest villains I’ve seen in a while.

 

Wrestling News

Pulled from PW Torch. “After Reigns won, Rock tried to endorse Reigns, but the crowd continued to boo Reigns’s victory.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, not even that fucking retard Flex could get them to cheer Reigns. What WWE wants the fans to think, versus what they actually think are so completely opposite it’s ridiculous. I am glad that the fans are rebelling and thinking for themselves, and actually will boo that Hollywood piece of shit now. If this was 2001 I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t have happened, which actually makes me glad that we’ve progressed so much as a wrestling community in general.

PW:” After the PPV concluded, WWE set up an issue between John Cena and Rusev on the post-PPV Network show.”

If they do another Rusev/Ryback like match… were Rusev looks too weak to win fairly, but doesn’t actually get pinned or tap out, his “undefeated streak” is going to look like a complete joke.

And there’s some other stuff, like Justin Gabriel getting fired and Smackdown’s TV Tapings are getting fucked up, but none of it really interests me so let’s move along.

 

Roman Reigns and Dwayne Johnson starring in, “The Royal Cumble”

1st Match: The Old Guys vs The Rip Offs: Great idea for an opener guys, no wonder the show went over so well. Bookers are fucking idiots, I swear.

Billy Gunn looks suspiciously like Ken Kennedy… which isn’t a good thing.

I’ve never actually sat through an Ascension match yet, so this is the first time I’ve seen their entrance. What the fuck is up with their Illuminati shit? I’m so tired of hearing Illuminati conspiracies from my dipshit friends. “THEY CONTROL EVERYTHING MAN!!! THEY KILLED KENNEDY AND KATY PERRY’S PART OF IT,” JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU IDIOTS!!!!

This…. Is…. The…. Most… boring…. Match…. Ever…. and then it ends out of nowhere. What a horrible opener, and The Ascension didn’t even look good. They just got their asses kicked by The Outlaws the entire time, and then won randomly.

 

Achilles’ heel: The WWE immortals game looks like complete shit but I do want to break somebody’s skull with Trips’s hammer.

 

No Way Out 2001 is Best for Business: Steve Austin is going to interview Trips on his podcast. Now I hate Steve Austin, I think that he’s been horrible since 2002 when he couldn’t separate reality from his character and decided to get drunk and beat his wife. The Commissionership Steve Austin angle was terrible, and didn’t do anything but put himself over, and he came across as horribly obnoxious. However, his interview with Trips could be really damn entertaining because Austin’s going to be such a dick that Trips could lose his cool, and start talking some real shit. Even if it’s scripted (unlike the last interview with Vince) it will still end up being pretty entertaining.

 

2nd Match: Miz and Miz vs The Uso’s© for the Tag Team Championships: I am so fucking sick of seeing The Uso’s wrestle. Even worse, I’m sick of seeing this specific match.

They’re doing an angle in this match were Miz is too proud to tag Sandow in, which is an interesting character trait, but it sucks because it means I have to watch The Miz wrestle for longer.

The Miz used to put away main eventers with the Skull Crushing Finale… now he can’t even put away an Uso with it. That’s falling pretty far.

Mizdow takes out both Uso’s by his lonesome, and Miz almost gets the win off it. The Uso’s win like three minutes later by teaming up.

Pretty decent match actually, The Miz was channeling himself from around 2011, and actually looked pretty good out there. The angle of him not wanting to get tag out was pretty interesting, and is leading toward a very well done explosion of the Miz/Mizdow tag team.

BTW, Corey Graves looks super fucking gay. BUT RENEE IS STILL HOT AS FUCK!!!!!

 

LOL WHO WATCHES WRESTLING ANYMORE?: They show clips from the prematch show THAT NO ONE WATCHED. No one gives a fuck about the goddamn preshow. Nice to see that Cesaro/Kidd won something for once though.

 

63 days more of filler guys….

 

3rd Match: Niki and Bri vs Paige and The Hitgirl: I would totally band Niki. Fuck, I’d bang just about anything. Natyla comes out with this retarded Batman looking cape. AND PAIGE STILL LOOKS HOT AS FUCK!!!! I WANT THAT!!!!

I actually want them to mention that angle on Total Diva’s were Paige got kissed by Rosa Mendas. Unfortunately, Paige wasn’t into it 

Paige just screams sex…. SHE CRAWLS SUPER SEXUALLY ONTO BRI!!!!!

The fans chant O’lay because they’re a bunch of ROH watching fags, and should be more busy staring at Paige’s ass like a real pervert!

Nikki has her tights pulled up super tight… ugmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

See, this is why a chick could never review wrestling, all they would do is talk about how hot the guys were. God, how shitty would it be to be a chick? You have to live your whole life knowing nothing you do is ever important!

Nikki skull fucks Natayla….

Why am I reviewing this stupid show when I could be watching Forced Lesbian Porn?

Natayla is just not hot. I’d feel kind of bad if I was Tyson, he’s around way hotter chicks all day, and can’t fuck them because he’s married to Natayla. Well, he can but it’ll make him look bad, just ask John Cena.

Nikki wins with a forearm.

Everyone looked super sexy except for Natayla so it was a great women’s match!

Damn, that women’s match was so good I had to take a break, and head over to hard sex tube.

Does Daniel Bryan ever get tired of saying yes? He’s like Jim Carrey in that shitty movie. Fuck Jim Carrey, I just do not find him funny and I don’t get him. I’ve never understood the appeal of that idiot talking about his ass and making bird noises. Sunshine of An Eternal Mind was fucking great though. I also kind of want to rewatch The Truman Show because I remember the idea being really cool to me when I was little.

 

4th Match: Wiggerboy vs Seth Rollins vs Brock Lesnar © for the WWE Championship: BUT HOW ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW THAT DIVA’S MATCH!!!???

I’m pretty excited for this match, I’ve heard that Lesnar throws Cena and Rollins around like they’re two jobbers.

The fans seem way more into Lesnar than either of the other guys.

JBL says that Lesnar is the most intimidating Champion ever. I can see what he’s saying, but Triple H and Steve Austin were pretty fucking scary when they wanted to be…

Lesnar starts off the match by lazily throwing both guys around with Germans. I imagine the only thing going on through his mind is, “Jimmy Johns, Jimmy Johns, Jimmy Johns.”

Paul Heyman is way too chill for this match, did he get into my Zoloft?

Brock Lesnar has been beating both guys for like five minutes straight. This is such a weird sight, two years ago I don’t think anyone would think that Lesnar would be destroying John Cena and the 1# contender for the title by himself… especially when you consider Extreme Rules 2012.

Rollins knocks Lesnar down with a knee from the top in a pretty cool spot. Rollins and Cena double team Lesnar, and the Philly fans boo the fuck out of it. Cena hits an FU to Lesnar, but LESNAR KICKS OUT AT ONE!!!! BROCK LESNAR IS SUCH A FUCKING BADASS!!!!!

Cena is the biggest heel here, and it’s so funny when he knows he’s being booed. He just gives this huge shit eating grin while he’s going for the punchy shit. Widro and I were talking about this, and we both agreed that they need to make Cena heel, pronto. Cena could do a heel so well too!

I’m going to have to eat at Jimmy Johns later.

Rollins comes off the apron INTO AN F5!!!! That was sick!!!

Seriously, Paul Heyman is so quiet in this match. He’s either on serious anti-depressants, or just doesn’t feel like putting any effort into the night.

Cena hits Lesnar with three FU’s but Rollins breaks it up. Rollins takes out Cena, and hits Lesnar with a Curb Stomp but Wiggerboy breaks it up. If this an old school ECW elimination match, Lesnar would be OUTTA HERE!

Cena actually spears Lesnar THROUGH the barricade. Haven’t seen that before, pretty cool.

Cena starts throwing Lesnar around, and the fans boo the shit out of him. Cena is having FUN out there. Let him be the heel you corporate money hungry fucks!

Rollins does an elbow off the top to Lesnar through the table! Fuck yeah!

Why does Rollins have Chinese Tattoos on his back?

Seth Rollins…. More like Henry Rollins, amirite?

This is the first match I’ve seen were Seth actually looks like a main event wrestler, instead of a mid card guy wrestling John Cena.

Rollins does the CM Punk flip out of the FU but runs into a powerbomb (!) from John Cena.

Rollins needs new pants, they look like something I’d see in a Lesbian BDSM porno.

Rollins vs Cena is going on waayyyyy too long, we need Lesnar to get back in there. It just all feels unimportant because you know they’re not going to end the match without Lesnar at least involved.

Double J Security attack Cena while Lesnar is put on a stretcher. What the fuck!? Why does Lesnar need a stretcher, he was put through a fucking table, he didn’t fall of the Cell or anything. Everyone in WWE gets put through a table.

Cena FU’s JJ security and Rollins, but Rollins kicks out because they need to waste more time until Lesnar gets up.

It really is hard to get into Cena/Rollins, as good as it is, because it just feels like they’re going through the motions until Lesnar gets up.

Fucking finally, Lesnar gets up, and comes back and German suplezes everybody. Rollins stops him with the briefcase but runs into an F5 and its all over!

Really good triple threat, but my main gripe with it is that Cena/Rollins didn’t feel that important because again, it just felt like they were going through the motions until Lesnar came back. That whole middle of the match you could’ve skipped, and not missed anything important which is definitely not a good thing.

So far this has been a pretty great show actually, that Triple Threat definitely put me into a good mood…. Now let’s see what everyone’s throwing a fit about… namely the Rumble match… or at least the result of it.

 

Royal Rumble: Aye, remember that promo video about the Rumble that they’ve shown a million times on TV? Well you get to see it again PPV!!! How cool is that!!!!????

Y’know, they count the 1997 Rumbe as one Steve Austin did…. But he kind of didn’t. He won it illegally, and the real winner would’ve been Bret Hart. Also, Austin ended up losing the Title Opportunity a month later.

I think everyone’s favorite Rumble was 2004, but then 2007 happened and we could never mention it again so everyone says 1992 even though that happened in the ancient, prehistoric times and Flair only won the Rumble that year so they could set up a dumbass feud between Sid Vicious and Hogan. Some people like to say 2010, but that one was fucking terrible because CM Punk WAS RULING EVERYTHING and then Trips came out, and just threw him over. Because Trips is an asshole. 2011 with the PuNexus gimmick was pretty cool, but then the same thing happened, and Cena came out and eliminated the entire PuNexus by himself.

This Rumble starts with Miz and Truth. I wonder if the commentators are even going to mention that they were a huge tag team in 2011…. Probably not. They never did anything important, they only cost CM Punk his match against Trips, AND COST THE ENTIRE COMPANY TO QUIT FOR AN HOUR ON RAW!!!!

God, Miz and Truth starting the Rumble… its 2011 all over again. Those were terrible dark days, and I dn not want to be reminded of that. AND OH SHIT ITS BUBBA DUDLEY!!!! Philly fucking explodes, and he comes out in his old school Dudley gear. I don’t blame him for leaving TNA lately, have you seen how bad that show has gotten?

Seeing Bubba Dudley and Miz wrestle is just too fucking weird. And he’s using R Truth as D Von!??? I’m not sure if that’s racist…. HE EVEN TELLS HIM TO GET THE TABLES???? All the black men are the same dammit! What if Bubba’s just on a bunch of drugs and actually thinks Truth is D’von? Oh my Gwad, Truth turns on Dudley, that evil bastard!

Dudley gets bored, and eliminates Truth and Miz, and then Luke Harper comes out. They exchange blows for a while (heh heh, I’m sure they did). Harper superkicks Bubba and he comes off the ropes with a clothesline. What the fuck, he can’t rip off Dean Ambrose!

Holy fuck its Sting!!! Oh wait, nope it’s just Wyatt. There are a lot of people at the Rumble.

Wyatt is wearing fucking sweat pants. The Wyatt Family eliminate Bubba, and then decide to team up. I think. Curtis Axel comes out, but Axel is so unimportant that Rowan eliminates him, and he gets in the ring. Rowan and Harper look at each other, and decide to team up on Bray…. But nope, swerve, and Bray and Luke team up on Erik. Erik Rowan has to be the shittiest face ever. Bray ends up eliminating both of them.

HOLY FUCKING FUCK IT’S THE BOOGEYMAN!!!!! YES FUCK YEAH!!!!! IT’S THE FUCKING BOOGEYMAN!!!!!

Boogeyman has to be one of the most badass gimmicks they’ve ever done. The Boogeyman is legitimately creepy as fuck, and I’m kind of surprised they’re bringing him back in the TV PG environment. Bray and Boogeyman have a pose off, but the Boogeyman looks way creepier than Bray Wyatt. And then Bray eliminates him??? What the fuck!!!??? FUCK YOU WWE THIS IS THE WORST RUMBLE EVER!!!!!!! HOW DARE YOU ELIMINATE THE BOOGEY MAN IN FIVE SECONDS!!!!

Sin Cara comes out… oh who gives a fuck? Eliminate him already Wyatt…. And he does, in about a minute. Bray Wyatt still doesn’t look as cool as CM Punk did in that 2010 Rumble. “You need to embrace Straight Edge and take it into your life!” My favorite part was when he tried to get Khali to join the SXE society. That was fucking hilarious.

Oh God, its Zack Ryder. Fuck Zack Ryder. They’re trying to make Bray look impressive by eliminating a lot of people, but he’s eliminating all jobbers. And Ryder’s out…. This is so fucking boring.Bray Wyatt doesn’t have the amazing mic skills that Punk does so he doesn’t even bother with the mic again.

AWH FUCK YEAH, ITS DANIEL FUCKING BRYAN IN THE HOUSE!!!!! Actually, how funny would it be if Wyatt just eliminates him in ten seconds?

Bryan does his usual comeback stuff and the fans are hot as fuck for it. Bryan starts kicking the shit out of Wyatt, and it makes sense that Bryan would use all this energy on one opponent because Bray did fuck up Daniel’s neck on Raw. Of course, the commentators don’t even mention their past history. Fandango comes out…. And Rosa’s not there so I don’t really care. I do have to say, Fandango is very handsome. He probably gets laid a lot. Bryan kicks the shit out of Fandango for being so handsome, and tries to throw Fandango out. No go.

Tyson Kidd comes out, you can hear the Philly fans asking, “Who?” Tyson does actually look pretty great out there, and trades forearms with Bryan. Then they double crossbody each other…. And someone else is coming out. Bryan really spiced up the Rumble here, and picked the pace up. AND OH SHIT ITS CODY RHODES!!!! JBL is pretty obnoxious on commentary, he won’t stop listing random Royal Rumble facts. Jesus, JBL is turning into Michael Cole. Cody Rhodes almost gets eliminated but does that cool Shawn Michaels ropes spot.

Bryan eliminates Tyson… damn, Tyson was actually looking pretty great out there. Bryan throws Bray through the middle, and does the Suicide Dive. Oh shit, it’s DDP! I don’t understand why they don’t give him his original theme music though. What the fuck is Orton doing? DDP needs to hit Orton with the cutter dammit!

Page’s style has not changed what so ever. He’s making me feel like it’s the damn 90s, his style is just so specific and his. Page hits everyone with the Cutter…. And then Rusev comes out. Lana’s got dem legs though…. Rusev has the worst theme song ever. Rusev comes in, superkicks Page and throws him out, along with Fandango.

Rusev and Bray look at each other lovingly, but Bryan comes off the top rope with a dropkick onto them! Then he kicks the shit out of both of them, but Wyatt catches him, and Rusev hits that kick…. And then Bray eliminates Daniel off the apron. Holy fuck, that’s how they eliminated him!???? Are you kidding me??? Bryan got eliminated that fucking early?? How am I supposed to give a fuck about this match?

The fans turn on the match hard when Bryan gets eliminated, and just boo, or don’t react to anything. Stardust tries to eliminate Goldust, and they trade punches. The fans don’t give a fuck and start a LOUD Daniel Bryan chant. You can just feel the air let out of the balloon, not only are the fans angry but now they’re just apathetic. It’s hard for even me to keep interest in this match now.

Yeah, in all honesty fuck the rest of this Rumble. I’m skipping to the end of it.

And I’m at the end, and Roman Reigns is getting the shit kicked out of him by Big Show and Kane. The fans do not give a fuck what so ever. Kane and Show start getting into it for no real reason…. And the fans still don’t care. Roman Reigns looks so strong he eliminates Kane and Big Show…. While the fans boo the living fuck out of it. This is so bad its funny.

And then Flex comes out to a pretty big reaction. He does his shitty little elbow drop to Khanneeeeeee, and then they team up on The Big Show. Hahahaha, the fans are still booing like crazy. Rusev comes out, and the fans ACTUALLY CHEER FOR RUSEV because they Roman Reigns that much, but it doesn’t matter because Reigns hits a spear and wins. And the fans fucking hate it.

Honestly, it’s hard for me to even care about wrestling results now… or get that passionate about wrestling. Last year, this same thing happened. Last year in January, was a big change in my life. I started getting kicked out of my house all the time, and was technically homeless. I had to stay at my friends houses just to sleep, and eat somewhere…. And was becoming horribly depressed. That was around the time when I broke my Straight Edge…. Which I had been doing for two and a half years. It was a pretty bad time for me in general really, and the one thing that I usually had to latch onto, for better or worse was wrestling, or the WWE.

But back then, wrestling was getting terrible. Randy Orton and Batistia were being pushed down our throats, Bryan wasn’t even in the fucking Rumble, and it wasn’t an angle back then either as it was never even addressed until after the Rumble. CM Punk had left, guys I loathed for years were being pushed, and at the time it never seemed like Bryan was going to get his title shot. I was pissed a year ago when Bryan didn’t win the Rumble…. Just the fact that he wasn’t even involved it was infuriating. And that they put that big lug Batistia over…. That whole angle made me sick to my stomach, and the only upside I had at that time was that everyone was agreeing with me. When they finally started to push Bryan hard, around Elimination Chamber I was so into it. The angle itself was so realistic because it was real. Bryan was grabbing and scraping to be THE guy, and not just A guy. He deserved everything he earned, and even more. Him winning at Wrestlemania was a mark out moment for me… and most other people following the story as well.

However, this year I’m just apathetic toward the whole situation. I already went through all this, it was emotionally exhausting, and already happened. It’s not that I don’t agree with other people’s criticisms, and it’s not that I’m saying that I don’t agree that Bryan should’ve won… because obviously he should have. However, I just can’t find it in myself to become emotionally involved in the angle anymore. I refuse to go through the same shit I did a year ago, in the same vein that I refuse to watch a re-run I’ve seen too many times. I don’t want this to be happening again… it already happened. And it was great, or at least the end result was. But it’s over. It ended. Bryan beat Triple H, Batistia, and Randy Orton by himself after being held down for forever. Other people are outraged at the result of the Rumble but me… I just don’t care anymore. In fact, I find it more humorous than anything else because it’s indicative of everything wrong with the current WWE product.

I remember the saying, “You always remember your first time, but who the fuck remembers the second,” or something similar to that. And honestly, I don’t think I’m going to care enough about this to remember it like I did with last year’s horrid event.

Apology to FD Swayze

FD and I were arguing, and I mis-read what he said, and thought he was being snarky, when in fact he was being intelligent, and polite. So I apologize, I am sorry for being such a dick dude. I’m hung over, cranky, and my 150 mgs of Zoloft probably aren’t helping matters. I would like to think that I never do anything wrong, and everything I do is perfect… but it isn’t. I make mistakes, and I mis-read shit…. I’m constantly having to apologize to people for dumb shit I’ve done. So I’m sorry if I was being a dick, and I hope I haven’t turned you off from my writing, or me with my immature behavior.

 

Raw Thoughts

I missed the first hour of Raw as I went with my Grandma to go pick up my sister from Gymnastics, and to pick up a Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts. It doesn’t seem like I’ve missed anything important as the whole thing is promos and build up… so this is going to be a bit of a weird recap because well, it’s a weird show.

The storm going on is pretty bad, when I popped into Dunkin’ Donuts they were having a story about how people couldn’t even drive around in New York. Raw’s re-showing the Rumble match…. Which is kind of cool I guess, even though the match was complete shit. I already reviewed the Rumble match above, so I’m going to watch 24 until it’s over.

Holy fuck, I watched an hour long episode of 24, and this Rumble is STILL on. It’s nice to see that the crowd didn’t completely die after Bryan got eliminated though, they’re really into Cesaro and Ziggler.

Fuck this Raw, I’m just going to watch Mad Men and smoke Winston’s.

Stay safe everyone, and if you’re near the storm stay inside, and stay warm. If you guys get hurt who am I supposed to bitch about WWE with? 

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