Wrestling Opinions From A Sleazy Guy 2.19.2015
By Sebastian Howard
Holy fuck, I am rushed so this one is probably gonna be a quickie. Raw’s been on for twenty minutes now, and I haven’t even been able to get into it because I’ve been working on my debut column for Comic Nexus, and that shit took A LONG time to do. I ended up reviewing ten new comics, and then reviewed some retro Constantine from the late 80s, early 1990 so if you’re into comics and like my writing you might want to check it out. As for my life, I got completely drunk at Darien’s with Austin Taggart, and played Ultimate Spiderman. I love that when you’re Venom you just run around eating people, that shit is hilarious. I ended up having to sleep in the goddamn Bath Tub because Darien didn’t have anywhere else to sleep.
Then me and Austin had to leave at like, seven in the morning so I ended up walking around Jupiter for a couple hours completely hung over. I used all my money on McDonalds and Beer at that point, so I had to steal some Pretzel Pieces (Buffalo Flavored) from Walmart because I was so goddamn hungry. I went over to David’s and chilled with him and his new black girlfriend (she’s pretty hot, actually), and we watch Batman Forever… which is probably the second or third most retarded Batman movie ever.
Random Media I’ve Consumed
I was really into Resident Evil Code Veronica X for a while, that game is the hardest fucking Resident Evil game ever! I was stuck on that Tyrant asshole for the longest time…. And that last boss is a bitch to beat. I killed her fat, ugly ass though. The games really good, and if you haven’t played it yet, and are into Resident Evil I definitely think you should check it out though. I’d use a walkthrough though because I made the mistake of not using one the first time I was playing, and got so fucked over…
Better Call Saul was the shit, and there’s a new episode tonight…. Which will give Raw something to blame them losing their ratings on. The Constantine episode, New Worlds or something like that was really, really good, and had a very Freddy Krueger feel to it. There’s more, but dammit, Raw’s on and I’m in a rush!
Wrestling News
Orton has been sighted at house shows, which probably mean he’s going to come back. That’s not the important story though, the real story is that HEATH FUCKING SLATER’S BACK!!!! YEAH BABYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! THE ONE MAN BAND FOR LIFE!!!!!
Page ended up in the hospital, and the story, and the way he posted it really makes it sound horrific. I know a lot of people hate on Page but I’ve always liked the guy, and I really do hope he ends up okay.
And finally…. Raw Thoughts!
I turn on the TV and Daniel Bryan kicks Reigns in the face! Sweet! Reigns gets pissy, and pushes Bryan, SHIT IS GOING DOWN!!!! Trips sees that Roman and Daniel are all fucked off, and books them in a handicapped match against Kane, Show, Rollins, and Double J security.
WWE Pimps NXT… fuck NXT.
Now that Raw’s on commercials, let’s check what’s happened in the last half hour….
Apparently nothing important…
Goddamn, that Brady Bunch commercial is funny…
It’s nice to see that Daniel Bryan is also getting buried on Smackdown.
2nd Match: Seth Rawlns vs Ryback:
Michael Cole says he listens to Eminem. I could totally see Cole dorkily bumping to Eminem…. That’s the kind of audience that white trash fuck gets.
Cole reminds us that the last time Rollins cashed in was at Night of Champions… THAT’S BECAUSE BROCK LESNAR IS NEVER FUCKING ON RAW!!!
Rollins JUMPS on a backdrop! That was 90s Shawn Michaels shit right there!
Ryback decides to do… something, but Double J security attacks Ryback causing a DQ. Rollins curb stomps Ryback. I’m gonna feel pretty bad for Rollins if he’s stuck in a feud with fucking Ryback…
I like that Reigns is so obviously leeching off Daniel Bryan’s heat, and SAVING HIM FROM THE EVIL AUTHOIRTY! This angle is so pathetically pandering.
I’m not gonna lie, that Kickstart drink kicks my ass. That shit will make you so damn hyper… Talking about hyper I stole some Xannies from my Grandma, and am going to test them out when Raw’s over.
Jesus, I was stressed out about missing this show? Like, literally nothing has happened.
Well Sting’s going to show up tonight to cut a promo over the titan tron… or maybe Trips will just beat up a midget Sting. That would actually be pretty funny.
Oh God, Sheamus is coming back.
3rd Match: Paige vs Bri Bella
Jesus, Paige is so fucking hot it hurts. Bri has a horrible new theme song, that shit sounds terrible.
Hahaha, the Ref gets obnoxious, so Paige screams at him. That’s pretty funny actually.
Emmmmm, Nikki’s ass…..
Bri wraps her legs around Paige’s head… and um, no its wrestling, not lesbian porn you sick fucks!
WHY AM I WATCHING THIS WHEN I COULD BE WATCHING PORN!!!???
Bri has a nice little ass….
Bri hits a decent dropkick off the second rope that looked pretty good. Then they do this weird spot were they both slap each other.
Paige does this cool multiple clothesline thing, and THE CM PUNK KICK!!!!
Paige finishes (heh heh) with that that DDT thing she does for the win. I think I’m going to take a break to watch some porn….
Yeah, Rusev is coming out next to pay tribute to John Cena. I’m definitely surfing for some porn.
Jesus… I just came back from Hard Sex Tube and I’m so bonked out I can barely see straight.
Well I completely missed that Rusev/Cena promo (thank God) and now Ziggler/Wyatt is on.
4th Match: Bray Wyatt vs Dolphy Z
Didn’t we just see this match last week? Dolph needs to realize they’re not going to put him over… ever.
Ahhh, the post masturbation ciggie…
And Bray hits Dolphy Z with the Sister Abigail for the win. Putting Bray over the same guy every week isn’t making him look strong guys…
Wyatt’s going to fuck Ziggler up outside the ring because he’s SO hardcore. Wyatt takes forever to set up… holy shit how long is someone out because of that Sister Abigail?
Awwwhh sweet, the Junkyard Dog gets a promo package.
HOLY FUCK BROCK LESNAR IS COMING OUT!!! Caliber was telling me about Lesnar’s UFC fights, and how fucking badass he was. I wouldn’t fuck with Brock Lesnar, not even a little bit.
Paul Heyman tells Reigns that he pissed himself when he saw Lesnar. Holy fuck, Paul Heyman is actually mentioning Daniel Bryan! “Look at Daniel Bryan, and then look at Brock Lesnar! Do you really think Daniel Bryan stand a chance?” Then Paul Heyman goes on to actually make Daniel sound really good, and basically makes either match sound like a big deal… while still being a cocksure dick about how he knows Lesnar is going to beat whoever wins at Fast Lane. Masterful. Lesnar just kind of stand there awkwardly not saying anything.
5th Match: Gold and Star vs New Day
Booker starts singing along with New Day, and it’s so overly black. The crowd completely doesn’t respond to New Day… I can’t help but laugh whenever I see Big E’s ridiculous expression. He looks so goofy and happy.
The fans start chanting Cody at Stardust, so he decides to leave leading to Kofi getting a roll up on Goldust. Goldust vs Rhodes should be a pretty decent match, but stretching it out all the way ‘till Wrestlemania seems pretty forced.
Holy fuck, there’s the best sign ever. MID 90S KEVIN NAAAAAAAAAAASH!
Trips comes out, and talks about his dedication to the business. He hates Sting because Sting was the face of WCW, and Trips destroyed WCW. He says Sting is a bitch, and was too scared to show up to the WWE because Trips would expose him. Well, if I was Sting I’d be pretty scared that I was going to get buried by Trips too….
Sting comes up and scares the fuck out of Trips, and then disappears… and the Titantron says I Accept. I’m not sure if his answer was clear enough… It is pretty cool how they’re making it super 90s, and having Trips being afraid of Sting goes a long to adding to the story.
Rusev beat up John Cena because of a bad eye? That’s just fucking retarded. Cena’s wrestled with a broken fucking arm, like a real broken arm, I doubt that his eye being hurt is going to really bug him too badly…
I skipped the last two matches because I was busy doing edits for my Nexus column, Babos doesn’t want any serious curse words in there so I had to go in there to edit. I’ve been working on that goddamn comic column all day long, and am pretty mentally exhausted so if my Raw review comes out as a bit tired, that’s why.
HOLY FUCK HYATTE RESPONDED TO ME ON TWITTER!!!! MY LIFE IS COMPLETE!!!!
Curtis Axel comes out to bitch about how he didn’t actually lose the Rumble (sorry Axl, no one cares…) and I guess he’s wrestling Dean Ambrose.
8th Match: Curtis Axl vs Dean Ambrose
You’ve gotta feel bad for Ambrose, a couple months ago… like in October he was main eventing PPV’s, and wrestling John Cena in the main events of Raw. Now he has to sell for Curtis Axl.
I’m just looking at my ashtray…. And it occurs to me that I have smoked A LOT today.
I don’t care what anyone says, that clothesline off the ropes spot is the shit!
Dean wins with the AC/DC song.
Dean tries to pretend like the IC Championship is actually important. Its not. OH HOLY FUCK THERE’S A BAD NEWS ZONE!!!!??? YES!!!!
Hahahaha, Barrett is so cheesy, I love it.
God, I gotta go over to the neighbors house and pick up those weights…
Holy fuck, its already time for the main event? I MISSED BETTER CALL SAUL FOR THIS!!???
Those Best of Raw and Smackdown DVD’s are always terrible, I’ve watched them from 2011-2013, and literally none of them have been good. 2014 and 2013 are those years, wrestling wise, I really don’t want to remember too badly anyway…
Fuck these Geico commercials… fuck Geico in general.
Main Event: The Authority vs Daniel Bryan and Roman Reigns
Jesus Christ… this pathetic pandering at its worst. WWE’s logic here is that since we care about Daniel Bryan, we’ll start cheering for Reigns when he saves him, or Ryback or whoever. They’re literally trying to use Daniel Bryan’s nuclear heat to push someone else, which is unbelievably crooked. Bryan didn’t even get to look good against anyone but Double J security, who are a fucking joke as it is.
Oh, and then Reigns runs in to hit his spear for the win when Bryan had the match won. Instead of building dissention between them it just makes Reigns look like a heel, attention seeking asshole.
And great, Reigns spears Bryan at the end of the show just to make him look even more like a bitch. What a depressing ass ending. Why do we even put up with this shit honestly?
I’m completely burnt out, so I’m going to bed really, really early for me at 11 pm (I usually don’t go to bed ‘till like 3 am). Try not to contemplate how bad this Raw was, and try to do something fun… like getting drunk.
