The Weekly Misadventures Of A Comicsaholic With Amazing X-Men, Mind MGMT, New & Secret Avengers, Rachel Rising, Hellblazer & More

The Weekly Misadventures Of A Comicsaholic
By Sebastian Howard


Editor’s note: The word of the day is “chick”. That’s how our new columnist refers to you ladies out there. It is meant as a term on endearment just before Valentine’s Day. 😉 Now onto the column.


Hello Nexus readers, I’m Sebastian Howard and I’m writing for the comic section of this site now. If you’re at all into the wrestling section of the site you might’ve seen some of my stuff, and might have an idea of what to expect. If not, well you’re in for… Something.

Comics Nexus has pretty much been my favorite Comic site for a while now, I’ve been following since about 2010-11, and I’ll take breaks here and there, but I always end up coming back to my baby. My favorite writer on here is James F’n Fulton, and if you haven’t read his stuff you need to. Like, right now.

He’s been doing The Weekly Round-Up for pretty much as long as I’ve been checking out the site, and always ends up bringing me up to date on the current events happening in comics. He tells you what’s good, and what sucks… though most of the stuff that sucks he just takes off his pull file. James is great because he has his OWN DAMN OPINIONS! And other than his hate of Spiderman, and his inexplicable love of Grant Morrison, I pretty much end up agreeing with him on everything.

Back in 2013 when everyone was falling all over themselves over the “Death of the Family,” story arc, James was pretty much the only one pointing out the huge problems with the story; the weird gay tension between Batman and Joker which has literally never been brought up before, the fact that there was a bunch of build-up that led to pretty much nothing major happening, and the fact that Scott Synder was trying to put a tired element to the Batman/Joker story, were they’re both sick of doing the same dance… which is nice in theory but doesn’t come out too well in the actual story. So read Fulton you silly geese! I do like the rest of the writing staff at Comics Nexus, Grey Scherl’s been around for a while too, and his Booster Gold love is pretty cute.

Now I’ll usually have something in here about my life, but I’m just one man gosh darn it, and I don’t have enough interesting things to talk about to spread them between the comics section, and the wrestling section… and since I like pissing off the people over at Wrestling Pulse I’ll just keep it over there. Believe me though, I have some horrible Misadventures…

Now, for the column itself I’m just going to review ten new titles, which are all going to be good because I don’t like to read bad comics just to complain about them, and write some observations, and then close each issue with an ending opinion. Or something like that… but probably more sloppy. The ten comics I’m pulling are all stuff James Fulton has said is good in his Round Up, so if you notice some of the same issues popping up, that’s why.

I’m also going to add five older comics at the end, and it’s going to be a themed thing. One week I’ll do Spiderman, one week X-Men, Batman, Constantine, Swamp Thing, etc… Well I hope you guys enjoy reading this… let’s Rock N Roll!!!!

A Amazing X-Men #16 B BP #2 C Mind Mgmt #30 D New Avengers 29 E Secret Avengers 12

J SC #10 F The Dying and the Dead #1 G Thor #4 H Rachel Rising #12 I Hellblazer #28

Amazing X Men #16

The first thing that strikes me about this comic is that it took Marvel so damn long to use the name Amazing X-Men. I mean, Amazing Spiderman and X-Men have both been around since the 60’s… you think at some point they would’ve just gotten lazy and switched the names to the Uncanny Spiderman, and the Amazing X-Men. Can’t wait for them to make the Superior X-Men, were Magneto and Friends trade bodies with the X-Men. Actually, that would be kinda cool, huh?

I think that shows you how up to date my X-Men knowledge is, I’m talking about their villains from the fudging 90s Animated Series show… Jesus. Hasn’t Magneto been a good guy for like… forever at this point?

The cover for this issue is pretty great, as it has all the X-Men knocked out… or worse, and the Juggernauts just kinda casually walking away. It’s cool, but holy jeez, really the Juggernaut? He hasn’t been threatening since the late 70s. Spiderman beat him by shooting webs at his eyes for Christ Sake!

This comic starts off perfectly by having the X-Men fight a giant, Carnage Demon. In a different art style, that thing would look sick.

Six pages in and Nightcrawler says amazing. No Nightcrawler, it’s you and your friends that are AMAZING!!!!

The X-Men in this book are so damn weird, it’s a combination between 60s and 80s X-Men members. Storm’s got the Mohawk, Nightcrawler’s in there, and then just about everyone else I’ve seen so far is incredibly sixties. You can tell that Christopher Yost is a fan, because of how oddly specific he’s getting with these characters, and how he wants to see the different time sets of those characters interact. Its pretty interesting really, and feels almost like fan fiction on a huge scale.

Okay Angel is a chick and Colossus is arguing with her over her not bringing him to the X-Men. THIS IS WHY COMICS ARE SO DAMN CONFUSING!!! What is going on here!?? Why is Angel a chick, and why is Colossus not allowed to team up with the X-Men? More importantly, where does chick Angel get her hair done?

That guy made out of rock’s decides to blow himself up in front of that Demon/Carnage thing. He then says, “Hahahaha, I just blew up in your face.” Out of context, that phrase sounds pretty funny.

Some troops decide to go into dark, creepy caves, like complete morons and end up running into a bunch of normal sized, Carnage monsters. Sweet! SLAUGHTER BABY!!!!!

And then Storm ruins it one page later by shocking them all to death. You don’t need Wolvy baby, you can do it all by yourself….

Some guy with a bunch of really bad face tattoos gets capture at the end. Sweet!

Final Thoughts:

Pretty decent fight scene, and they did a good job of just making it all over the damn place, and it felt very big in scope. However, the whole thing was just overly complicated to me, and I just couldn’t follow what was happening throughout most of it. It’s obviously because I haven’t read the comics leading up to this issue, but I think it’s important to note that this isn’t that accessible to a first time reader… mostly due to the numerous characters, whereas something with a single character like Batman, or Ultimate Spiderman is a lot easier to pick up on, even if you haven’t read the issues leading up to that one.

Bitch Planet #2

The cover makes me realize how sexist Girls, Girls, Girls was. I swear to God, Motley Crue is known for two damn songs, I don’t think anyone who didn’t grow up in the 80s has sat down and listened to a Motley Crue Album. 80s wasn’t the best time for anything but hit singles, and syntho stuff, until Guns N Roses saved everyone from Cowboy’s, and Lonely Streets. Though the 80s did have some good punk rock…

“Ask me and I say that the indulgence of pondering boredom should be punishable with death by guillotine.” Our first hint that the speaker is a complete douche.

So the speaker is doing some kind of Hunger Games deal, and approaches some guy, Brandon, and says, “We are not equals. We are not friends. You will address me by my title or be cited for disrespect.” Reminds me of some of the teachers I had, Jesus…

There’s a really neat drawing where the jagoff, Edward I think his name is, is telling Brandon that his job is to do whatever “they” tell him to do, and he’s holding a wine glass in his hand, and in the reflection you can see Brandon’s body. The sub-context here is obvious. Edward has Brandon in the palm of his hand… in this case, literally.

After some more boring, white trash guys with money talk and sip wine, we cut to this black chick with a crazy 70s Afro in a kind of virtual Isolation room. And then some other “lady” pops up throughout the entire room… through a projection and tells this chick that she murdered some other chick, and tries to make her feel horrible about it. That’s actually a pretty sick image, and I can’t recall ever seeing anything like that before. Mentally torturing someone through guilt is a lot more interesting and complex than torturing someone physically.

HOT DAMN SOME SQUIRREL JUST ATE ANOTHER SQURRIEL!!!

UGHHHHH!!!! WHY DID THEY PUT THE LARGEST BLACK CHICK EVER IN THIS DAMN COMIC!!! GROSS!!!!

The black chick’s inmates talk her into getting a team together for the Hunger Games thingy. Meanwhile, in the background that fat chick from earlier takes on like 200 guards by herself.

And some other chick is being raped, or having a baby or something, and is all messed up and bloody! Yeah, don’t you love my descriptions!!??

The black chick asks for the name of the person who killed the woman she’s accused of killing, and actually gets it!? That’s actually pretty funny that they know she didn’t do it, and are keeping her there anyway.

The issue ends a little too over the top, as Edward, the evil Corporate dude, turns on the news and sees that someone he knew has been killed. It shows the person’s Mom crying, but he pretty much ignores it, and ends up happy because the engagement numbers are up. That’s pushing a little too hard to try and make him the most evil guy ever, but it does establish him as single minded, and disconnected. Just a bit too cheesy for my tastes.

Final Thoughts:

I think it’s kind of weird that this is the second issue of the series because it definitely still feels like an introductory issue. I’m sure the first issue set up what happened, and how the black chick was framed, but all in all if they cut that out this very well could’ve been the first issue. Pretty good set up, seems like this could be a very good, dark series. The thing that bothers me about though is the main plot, and that’s the Hunger Games plot. I’m so burnt out on that plot idea, and we’ve already seen with superheroes, and I just am not that enthusiastic about them going that route with this comic. I’m sure it’s still going to end up being a great series, but I’m just too burnt out on the main idea to muster much excitement for it.

Mind MGMT #30

The cover looks like when someone takes all of the tobacco out of a really bad, two dollar cigar, and makes a blunt with it.

Oh great, on the first page I have to see some dude’s dick.

HAHAHAHAHAA This chick is caught making out with her brother, and the Dad finds out and is pissed. So Julie, the chick runs away. What is up with all the incest in books and comics lately? I was reading Castle in the Forest, and the whole thing was incest.

This issue highlights perfectly everything completely crazy about women. This chick makes out with her brother, then lets him get his ass kicked by robots, goes off to some school where she messes up so badly she runs away, and then decides to get together with some guy she only know through reading his novels. WOMEN ARE INSANE!!! IT’S A FACT!!!!

So the story goes on for a bit, and it turns out that this dude is cheating on her, has her prego, and is beating the shizznizle out of her. Sounds like a good reason to leave right? Well it turns out that he can erase her memories, and get rid of her doubts. That’s a pretty cool, creepy concept.

The story then gets even more screwed up, as MGMT think that the guy is over stepping his boundaries, and sends an assassin to kill everyone but the chick. That includes her two children. Yowza!!!

Julie ends up becoming part of MGMT, and goofs around there for a bit. The President (when the hell is this set?) cancels MGMT because the Russians are doing the same. She tells the director she can change the President’s mind. HOLY GWAD, that is one dedicated chick!

The story ends with a flashback to her framing her daddy for cutting her, and then cuts to the present were she’s bleeding out on the floor, and some dude named Lance, in a pimp jacket picks her up.

Final Thoughts:

This was a very interesting story, but I think because I haven’t read the entirety of MGMT I’m definitely missing out, as this was supposed to add backstory to a character the readers are already accustomed to. I can see why James says he wants to re-read the series knowing everything he knows now, and I agree. If you want to see why MGMT is one of the weirdest, yet the best title out there right now, pick up this issue. Great read, and completely different from just about any comic I’ve read before.

New Avengers #29

There’s no way that guy on the cover isn’t on some hardcore drugs.

HAHAHAHAHAHAA The team is called Illuminati. That’s just an awful super hero name….

Reed Richards is always so depressed. Like, I’ve seen him happy with Sue and his son, but its pretty rare. 9 out of 10 times, he’ll be sitting around looking depressed, and feeling bad because he didn’t cure cancer or something.

Black Widow must’ve read my mind. Everyone’s sitting around feeling bad for themselves and she says, “I know it’s hard to hear, but no one cares about your sins or anger… or even your regret. I WOULD care… but we don’t have time.” THANK YOU, YOU SEXY GINGER!!!

I never understand what the hell Reed is talking about when he goes into Marvel Science Wumbo Jumbo.

There’s going to be a lot of padding for the next four months…

And Hankers comes back, with The Beyonders. Yayyyyy. Their design makes them look pretty damn creepy.

Final Thoughts:

The whole issue was more explanation than anything else, it just feels extremely padded… like they’re waiting for the giant Secret Wars, multiple world explosion that’s coming… which is exactly what they’re doing. Not a bad issue, but not a overly interesting one. I also feel like the next issue is just going to be Reed calmly discoursing with the creepy Beyonders… and looking really sad.

Secret Avengers #12

YEAHHHH, MORE AVENGERS BABYYYYYY!@!!!!!

The cover looks extremely lesbian BDSM porn material.

MODOK looks so creepy.

Modok’s in love with some chick…

Black Widow and Lady Black are about to either kill each other, or start making out WHEN EVIL OCTOPUS MONSTERS FROM HELL COME!!!!!

The issue ends with the guy with the jar brain rambling about how he’s going to kill bullies… SO HE’S THE VILLIAN… I guess.

Final Thoughts:

I thought it was pretty funny that they made Modok a good guy, and a goofy ass. The issue was pretty fun, but nothing serious happened, and the giant Octopus monsters was pretty ridiculous.

Sex Criminals #10

The covers pretty weird, and I think has something to do with genetics.

Jesus, two pages in and there’s a guy naked with an erection.

These are the comics that piss me off, I mean they’re still good but the dialogues so obnoxiously awkward and unrealistic. Who talks like, “Oh, um, well I guess it was good. I um, it was sortive weird. Because you see, I’ve had a major change in my life, and it got me thinking about us, and I was just sort of thinking that um, you see…” that pisses me off so badly AND THEY DO IT IN SO MANY COMICS!!!!

Hell yeah, this chick is lighting up in her office! That’s my kinda woman! Time for a ciggie….

This chick’s name is Ms. Kincaid. All I can think about when I hear the name Kincaid is that black guy from Nightmare on Elm Street 3. That movie is the shizzle!

This chick is coming on to this black guy HARD!

I was getting pretty into the weird story here. So they decide to have like a three way… or something, but it’s not really a three way… but it is, only through telepathy… or something. And then that chick who smokes, orgasms and turns into a sex ghost.

Final Thoughts:

Decent issue, mostly just weird though and again I hate the lame, new age talking bull. Also, I’m not going to lie, it’s hard for me take these stories tongue in cheek kinda way because I get so angsty and jealous that I’m not doing anything, and these three assholes are having an orgy. Still there’s a lot of charm here, and the sub plot of the black guy with the girl who was hitting on him was pretty cute… and they ended up HAVING INTERCOURSE in a car.

The Dying and the Dead #1

Sounds so Western. The guy on the cover looks really hung over, and kind of like he wants to be Indiana Jones.

Some people got married in the 50s or 60s, or something. BUT BOOM BABYYYYYYYY it’s all a swerve as it turns out the chick is an evil Russian spy or something, and some Russian soldiers come in, shoot the guy, and grab some stuff. Oooh, I guess they’re German instead of Russian because they go into the guys secret thingy, and open it up, and there’s Nazi memorabilia all over the place. Oh, and then the Russian twin kills her sister so it doesn’t look sketchy. The art and colors are really well done here, as you see the Russian woman walking around all the dead bodies, and it’s horrible… but beautifully drawn.

And then, holy gosh, Tombstone shows up!!! YEAH BABY!!!!! Tombstone is the BOMB!!!!

There’s some priest that says your life is measured by if you die around people you love, or alone. Well, what if you have like, a heart attack, or are in a car accident? What a dumb thing to say…

HOLY FUDGINTON!!! THERE’S A MILLION EVIL GERMAN OR RUSSIAN HOT CHICK CLONES!!!! I want to go there. Back in the USSR….

There’s a bunch of Tombstone people and they don’t eat or drink anything, and don’t age I guess.

I’m really digging that dark atmosphere to the underworld were all the weird, pales live in. It’s mysterious… yet so familiar. The Tombstone’s try to act above humans, yet they act precisely like humans… it’s an interesting subtext, because as humans it’s the only way we know how to write. There’s no way for us to write something truly alien, because we are not alien.

Some interesting philosophical talking goes on between the main character and one the pales. I think the most interesting part is that all the pales are really big vaginas, using other people to do their work for them because they think it’s too beneath them to do anything brave. The obvious poor man vs rich, intellectual upper class is pretty big here.

The issue ends with the new main character accepting the deal, which had to be the most obvious ending to a comic ever.

Final Thoughts:

Very interesting comic, and very thought provoking at the same time. We haven’t really had any three dimensional character yet though, we haven’t fleshed out any of the characters but they still have me somewhat invested in the main character just through making him a cliché’ kind of 80s action hero. This was a very good first issue, and has me looking forward to the next one. However, I feel Hickman has too many damn titles going on right now, and I don’t know how he’s going to be able to organize all these stories without his brain going into meltdown. A lot of Hickman’s other stuff ends up interesting for a while, but then loses me somewhere in the middle to the point were I just lose interest. This has a lot of promise but I’m not quite sure if Hickman can deliver on it…

Thor #4

I am so excited for Thor Annual, my hero CM Punk is going to be doing a story in there and I can’t wait to read it!

Chick Thor is pretty hot.

Guy Thor, being the little rabble-rouser that he is, is super pissed off and gets into it with Chick Thor because she has his Hammer. Thor’s missing an arm here, and is using a robotic one.

After a little bit of fighting, the hammer chooses Chick Thor, and Thor gets super sad about it. Chick Thor’s all, “I just want to give him a hug.” I’m not gonna lie, this idea got a lot of criticism originally, but I really like the new chick Thor a lot more than boring assed, talking in words you can’t even understand dude Thor.

And then the funniest thing happens, Thor asks Chick Thor if she’s his mom, so she kisses him. She then asks, “Do you still think I’m your mother,” and he responds, “I certainly hope not.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I really hate how some people write Spiderman… they think he’s just some cornball who spits out lame jokes all the time…

Final Thoughts:

It was pretty cool to see the two Thor’s meet, and for Dude Thor to accept Chick Thor, and for them to team up near the end of the issue. It pretty much got that out of the way, so now let’s see what they can do now that they’ve gotten everything established.

Rachel Rising #1-12

The cover is incredibly cool, as it kind of looks like the chick is smoking but it’s really just her breathing death ash or something because she’s dead. I was reading a story similar to this one in Neil Gaiman’s American Gods, and I think it’s a pretty interesting concept, to bring back someone from the dead and give them intelligence, but have them still y’know dead, and not actually brought back to life like every super hero ever.

Basically everyone is refusing to believe that this chick came back from the dead because she’s been dead for a while. It’s kind of weird, considering how happy most people would be to have someone back in their lives, and how willing to accept something as weird as this… I think most people would jump on it, and try to cancel out all logic. Once you have accepted that someone’s dead though, it’s hard to believe that they just magically came back to life…

When Rachel actually shows her friend, who toys around with dead bodies, the place she woke up at, and he finally believes her he goes into a crying fit and completely panics. That was a very, very sudden change in behavior…

Some freaky stuff is going on were a little girl turned evil or something, and knocked out her punk rock sister with a frying pan.

And Rachel can feel if someone’s going to die, and I guess how their future is going to end up. There’s some other punk rock chick who was digging it, and comes out of the toilet with a cig in her mouth. Awsum.

There’s this creepy blonde chick who manipulates this guy, who’s about to get married to kill his wife off the day before the wedding. That is a pretty cool concept, that she can just control his emotions and make logical arguments… deep down we’re just a bunch of angry animals with insecurities and its really smart to play off them here.

AWHHHH gross, a snake crawled up the dead chick’s mouth!!!!

Creepy ass little girl. She’s gonna need some therapy…

So this rapist tries mucking around with the little girl, SO SHE CUTS HIS DAMN HEAD OFF WITH AN ELEVATOR DOOR!!!! Don’t mess with this lil’ demon, Jesus…

HOLY GOSH THAT CHICK CAME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND THE SNAKE CAME OUT OF HER MOUTH ONTO SOME FAT TRUCK DRIVER!!!!! THIS COMIC IS AWESOME!!!!

Holy jeeze, what a weird plot twist. It turns out this weird old guy who won’t shut up about how Rachel is the Angel of Death, or something like that, he has his wife’s dead body just hanging out in his living room! Is everyone in this comic super messed up?

God, that snake image… I’m pretty scared of snakes. I honestly can’t keep looking at that….

So Rachel’s friends dies, and she brings back Jetters… I’m assuming by burying her in that one spot.

And then all the people in graves blow up and end up all over the cemetery. Can’t tell if they’re back alive, or if they’re just there for affect.

Dr Siemen is like a demented Mr. Rodgers.

And another one bites the dust because of crazy dead Snake Lady.

OH SNAPS!!! It turns out that little girl is an evil demon, that’s been alive since 1955! I wasn’t expecting that, honestly.

Holy gosh, so this chick gets the little girl to release the demon, and it sounds like she’s being nice, and trying to help the kid out… well the little girl gives this weird chick permission to talk to the Demon, AND THEN THE DEMON FORCES HER INTO THESE ALIEN CRADLE THINGS, AND PRETTY MUCH KILLS HER, AND TRANSFORMS INTO HIMSELF!!!! That was sick, and totally unexpected!

And… the little girl kills herself with a knife to kill the demon. Sweet.

And now we got a switch a roo, and the Demon shifted bodies into Jetters.

There’s a big explanation was to why Rachel and Jet came back to life, basically they’re all witches from forever ago, and the blonde one that only two or three people can see is pissed off about the good ol’ Salem days, and she’s ready to kick some ass.

Demon Jet takes out that Foster Care chick for trying to find Zoe a home. The demon isn’t half assing it here either, he has full control of Jet’s body.

THE CRIMES MAKE A SATAN SYMBOL!!!! BY GWAD ITS ALL OVER!!!!

Rachel’s back underground, but this time she’s alive. That is honestly the worst thing you could do to a person. I’m assuming she’s going to Kill Bill out of it though…

Now the Demon is a Priest. LOLZ SO WACKY!!!!

Rachel gets out of grave to end issue 12 and she’s after that blonde brat Lillith!

Final Thoughts:

Very, very good series here. I was mightily impressed. It’s not necessarily a three dimensional look at characters, it’s not THAT deep… in fact the only three dimensional character we really have is Lillith, and she’s kind of made to be the evil, witch when in fact she has pretty good reasons for wanting the whole town killed. However, this is a very good suspense/mystery story that constantly is changing the rules. You think it’s just going to be some lame assed mystery, but then it turns around and involves Demons, and witches, and the whole thing is really amazing. The first couple of issues are just setting up stuff, but mid-way through I couldn’t pull myself away from the story. Very well done, and I’m definitely interested in seeing what happens next. The only thing that bothers me about the story is turning Rachel and Jet into witches, they seem far too modern to have ever been anything but what they are right now, but that’s a tiny gripe at best.

Retro Comics Review: Hellblazer #23-28

Constantine is one of the most influential, and most developed comic characters of all time. His flaws are right there in the open, and he’s a huge screw up, but what makes him lovable, and why everyone always forgives him is that he IS a good guy, and he always tries to do the right thing. He gets in over his head, and does dumb things like summon Demons that take away little girls, but that’s more of him making a dumb, clutz mistake that turned into something far more serious. Heaven is wrong for wanting to send him to Hell constantly, because at the end of the day Constantine is a good guy, he has his heart in the right place, and he’s never overly selfish. The only thing that I don’t like about Constantine, and they captured this pretty well in the new TV show, is that he’s constantly being told how much he sucks, and how much of a screw up he is, and how he deserves to go to Hell, and blah blah blah. He’s always having to deal with constant criticism from every angle. At least in the show he has Zed sticking up for him, in the comics he just takes the punishment and it makes the comics pretty depressing. Also, around the mid 90s the comic really started to drop in quality, but for a while this comic was the bomb!

Issue #23

The beginning of issue 23 pretty much sums up John’s life. “Better Luck next time, eh? ‘Til then we go on carrying our small minds around this small world, worrying about small problems, like food, money and a warm place to sleep. All of which I’m short of.” This is right after John got dumped off by a trashy truck driver, who was feeding John ciggies.

John offers some crazy looking dude some Demon blood, so the guy goes insane, and starts ranting about how writers suck, and throws a bunch of his books in the fireplace. It turns out this crazy guy is a character in a novel brought to life… kind of like in that weird Twilight Zone episode, that was supposed to be comedic, but had a really creepy tone to it. John’s answer to learning this is of course, to go get drunk at the bar. YOU ARE MY HERO JOHN!!!!

And now some weird ass wolf man dude in Nike shorts and a purple shirt kills the Novel Dude’s dogs by eating them…. John and Novel Dude get the heckles out of there…

So they run over to bar, were they, of course end up in a bar fight.

They head over to a Chinese restaurant, AND JOHN IS SMOKING WHILE HE’S EATING!!! I don’t care what anyone says, that is the most badass thing ever! I wish you could still smoke in public places. But all those pissy mom’s with nothing to do would start complaining about how the smoke is affecting their poor baby sinuses… I swear to God, I’m just going to either blow smoke in a chick’s face if she complains about the smell of my cig, or punch her in the face… I’m not sure which.

They don’t have money to pay for dinner, so John and Jerry get chased out by some crazy Chinese dude who probably knows karate or something.

And then Peter Pan and Captain Hook show up. I feel like this whole issue is just going to end with Constantine waking up from some weird day dream.

The issue ends with Jerry being taken away by Whinnie The Pooh down some really creepy stairs.

Final Thoughts:

What a weird issue, it was definitely interesting but the whole thing felt like a bad acid trip. None of it made a lick of damn sense either. Pretty fun though.

Issue #24

This issue opens with a man coming home to his family dead and the title is Family Man. It errily reminds me of the Black Flag album, and the art to it which is very, very similar.

John, respectful guy he is, takes over Jerry’s house. He says it’s what Jerry would’ve wanted. HOW DO YOU NOT LOVE HIM!!???

Constantine opens a safe full of money and Coke, and he hears the doorbell ring. He instantly assumes it’s the cops and flushes the coke down the toilet. He opens the door and it’s just some old guy. HAHAHAHAHA That bastard wasted some good coke!

John takes some time to reminisce about Jerry, and thinks about how he’s going to miss him and such. While he’s going through some old files, he finds out that Jerry had a murder business going on, and John accidently gave that old guy the address to the next people he’s supposed to kill. WHOOPS!!!! And the issue ends with the creepy old guy about to kill the man, and his family.

Final Thoughts:

Good issue, that was mostly very laid back, and had a really good twist ending. The whole confrontation with the old man seemed entirely pointless, and you know there was something more to it, but I couldn’t place my finger on what it was… my best guess was that it had something to do with the old guy being a demon or something, but nope. This also highlights John’s intelligence, and the fact that he does care about his friends a lot… and the aftermath of the things he goes through does affect him. Great issue and does a great job with suspense to the point where you NEED to read the next issue to see how it ends.

Issue #25

And never mind on that last note I guess because with this issue they’re just ignoring the end of the last one, and going off into a completely different direction.

The art here is… well not as good. Very artsy fartsy going on, with the paintbrush colors, and the general layout.

Constantine looks like a dumb model in this issue. Jesus…

The good thing about the art however, is that when it wants to get dark it gets dark. The entire thing just screams dark and scary… it’s very acidy in a way.

There’s some crazy stuff going on in a festival, and some weird people that are being all Paganistic and Wicker Man-like.

Final Thoughts:

I just could not focus on this issue, the art really didn’t work for me unless they were drawing something creepy (in which case, it worked very well) and I just couldn’t find myself attracted to the story too much. I think this one’s a two parter though so let’s see if they can rope me in with the next issue…

Jesus, no wonder these last two issues sucked. They were written by Grant Morrison, the Anti-Christ. Bleck. I again could barely construe the narrative here, and the art only worked when they were drawing something really creepy. So I’m just going to jump to issue 27 because Neil F’n Gaiman is writing it!

Issue #27

Here the art is still pretty dated, and overly dark, but it works a lot better than in the last two issues.

Something that bugs me about Gaiman’s comic writing is that he writes comics like they’re books, the ends result is usually pretty good (though I could never get into Sandman just because of the pretentious of the whole thing) but the inner narration, and even the dialogue feels like it’s taking place in a book rather than in a comic.

Some crazy guy jumps out of a closet, and kills some black chick by hugging her… or something.

Fact: John Constantine does not have AIDS. I actually have a really bad fear about AIDS myself, you see when I was younger I went into an abandoned house with my Cousin, we hung out in a couple different one’s for a while before my Uncle, his Step-Dad, Andy pulled us out. He told he saw homeless people doing heroin in there, and that they could leave their needles around and we could AIDS. I’ve been so OCD and scared that I could’ve stepped on a needle, and not realized it, and gotten AIDS from it. It’s pretty scary stuff, and hasn’t left me alone even though it happened like, five years ago.

This chick hits on Constantine, and tries to HAVE INTERCOURSE WITH HIM, but it turns out she’s just lesbian, and wants to have his baby so she can be lezzy mommy with her lezzy partner.

John meets up with that zombie dude and gives him a hug, which sends him back to being dead. ALL HE WANTED WAS TO BE LOVED AND NO ONE WOULD DO IT DAMMIT!!!!

Final Thoughts:

If this was any other writer by Gaiman, I’m not sure if they’d be able to pull it off. The whole issue was so superbly weird, but at the same time suspenseful, intriguing, and well written. They kept the two stories separate so you weren’t really disappointed when John dispatched the smelly dead ghost with a hug, mostly just curious as to what the hell he was. The Constantine/Lezzy scene was pretty interesting too.

Issue #28

YAY!!! Jamie Delano and Rob Tiner are back!!! Finally Hellblazer… well it’s not normal again because Hellblazer is never really normal, but at least its back to the comfortable weirdness.

Well the setup here is that some kid went crazy, and decided to kill his Dad and mom, and siblings. What’s creepy about it is that his mom wakes up, but thinks that he’s just up, and doesn’t realize that he’s killing his family. She tells him to go back to sleep before he wakes his Dad, and that she loves him… and then he breaks her head with a hammer…. Constantine shows up behind him…

The dead people show up at Constantine’s house, which looks eerily like the room from the first Hellraiser… the one were that guy is getting his skin back and stuff.

And oh snaps, we’re going back to the Family Man plotline. And that was all a dream… I guess. Turns out those people died, and Constantine is wracked with guilt about it. I swear to God, if he was in New York when 9/11 happened he’d find a way to blame himself for it…

John gets into it with some sick dude who’s obsessed with death, and has dead bodies lying stuck to walls in his office.

Family Man finds out were John lives at, and kills his Dad… that’s pretty sick.

John learns that FM is in town and going after him, and shizzle is going to GO DOWN in the next issue!

Final Thoughts:

Very suspenseful and well done, really builds some tension to what’s going to happen next issue, and adds a real world element danger that’s not usually in Constantine comics. I’m pretty excited for the next issue, and would review it right now, but its 8:10 pm, and I’ve gotta get Raw in. So ‘till next time, stay safe, and I hoped you enjoyed my debut Nex

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