The Weekly Misadventures Of A Comicsaholic
By Sebastian Howard
I ended up completely blowing off doing this column Friday due to me getting really, really messed up. Today I’m just completely hungover and my 200 mgs of Zoloft that I have to take for my OCD isn’t helping matters. And to make matters worse I’m completely out of Pepsi-Cola. So with all that in mind, let’s get into this batch of comics…
All-New Captain America #4
This issue has a pretty sweet cover with the new Cap’n using his shield to deflect this giant Rock guys fist, while getting choked out by some bug dude. What a badass!
We start off with a… somewhat pointless flashback to Captain Falcon… when he was in the Avengers as just Falcon, and he’s around a completely destroyed, scummy looking city. Him and Cap have a chat about keeping up being heroes and then we cut to back to 2015.
So now Captain Falcon is walking around India feeling bad that he can’t save everyone. God, I am so tired of that plot point being used…. Can’t we ever have heroes who actually feel good about themselves and what they do? Why do they always have to be overly tortured about dumb shit they can’t do anything about? It seems that all the villains never feel bad for what they do in comics… if you want a good example of this look at my last comic review which had the characters of Freddy Kruger and Carnage in it. The villains are crazy psychos who go around killing whoever they feel like and have never have a conscience problem… meanwhile someone like Spider-man who has saved who knows how many people, and still feels guilty about the dumbest, most unimportant things. I think they actually wrote an issue of Spider-man in 2001 where he felt guilty that he didn’t stop 9/11. LET THE HEROES FEEL GOOD ABOUT THEMSELVES FOR ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!
And this comics done with the philosophical stuff about seven pages in, as its FIGHT TIME BABY!!!! Giant Rock dude comes out and starts duking it out with Cap. Falcon.
Oh, and the whole time they’re fighting Cap is looking for a bomb that’s about to go off. So there’s that too…
Viper is super hot. Is she the same chick from that Wolverine movie?
Weird lizard guy starts breaking all of Caps bones, but giant Rock guy has a change of heart because he doesn’t want to lose his soul or something really cheesy, and cliché’ like that.
Giant Rock Guy tells Cap about Hydra’s plan to put some kids blood in a bunch of fleas, and that’s going to kill the entire world… or something. I’m assuming this kid must have AIDS….
Misty shows up, and she’s this super 70s looking black chick, with a huge afro and everything.
Cap goes after Zemo… who’s like a combination between Cobra and Slade. Cap beats the absolute shit out of Zemo… he’s mad because Zemo cut someone’s throat or something, and Cap isn’t too pleased about it. Cap spends too long beating up on Zemo, and that kid with the AIDS blood or whatever is about to escape, so Cap tries to stop him… but Zemo gets back up and kos him with his sword.
Pretty big cliffhanger as the kids about to release his blood, and Zemo has Cap on the floor, and is about to stab him with the sword.
Final Thoughts: It was pretty hard for me to get into this issue… it all seemed very contrived. It seemed like they wanted a certain amount of emotional drama that they didn’t really deserve. Armadillo, or the Giant Rock Guy, turned on Hydra, and while his motivations make sense, he hasn’t been fleshed out enough… or at least not enough for me personally (he might’ve been fleshed out in other issues I haven’t read, but I’m judging the comic on a single issue merit). Also the whole fight scene with Zemo seemed very cliché’… I’ve seen a million movies and TV Shows were the hero gets revenge on the villain, and goes overboard. Zemo also didn’t come across as too much of a threat here, as Cap beat him within two pages. However, the cliffhanger at the end is a bit interesting, and there’s enough here to make me want to continue checking the title out. I also feel that if I read the entire series… or maybe if I read some of the other Captain America stories pre-luding this one, that I might be getting more out of the story than I did.
Bitch Planet #3
Jesus…. James actually seems excited about this issue, BUT THE WHOLE PLOT IS ABOUT AN OBESE WOMAN!!!!
Penolpe’s the name of the lead black woman, and she’s self conscious, and getting criticized for being really overweight, and killing people by a bunch of 60s businessmen.
Penolpe has a flashback to when she nine, and she was getting some of that good home cooking from her grandmother. The portrayal of older black women are so stereotypical yet funny; they know how to cook very southern… and they’re always talking about how they have to fatten you up, and such… A swat team or some shit comes and grabs Penners.
We cut to Pen in High School and she beat up some boy. She gets a talking to by a very creepy, weird 60s girl principal. The way that the woman is talking to her… it almost reminds me of that weird Twilight Zone episode where they were trying to make everyone perfect by having the same bodies. The way the woman talks is so subtly creepy and controlled… but at the same time she’s a little bit angry that someone is acting out of order. That slightly creepy version of society has always gotten to me…
The flashbacks just lend more credence to this weird version of society. The thing about societies… like the Twilight Zone episode I mentioned, and in this comic is that the people there all think things are going normally… If you were brought up in a world like that… were you HAD to act a certain way, and HAD to be “normal”…. And never do anything objectionable… well that would be your version of society. There wouldn’t be any understanding for anyone outside of that large group of people that deemed normal… anyone with a natural curiously, or intelligence… or any trait that would differentiate them from the norm would be considered weird. And what’s scary about it is that it’s very realistic. If someone is weird in school, and they get brought in by an Assistant Principal or a Counsellor, they’re going to be nice to them and tell them what they’re doing wrong, and assure them that THEY know what’s BEST for you… but not in a mean forceful way, but rather in a creepy, mental way that’s “normal.” It’s a slightly exaggerated version of people getting in trouble at schools in real life because they’re different, or Arabs getting arrested for suspicion of terrorism simply because of their ethnicity. In this case, in this comic, the obese black woman doesn’t fit society’s view of what SHOULD be, and not only physically, but mentally she’s also unpredictable and uncontrollable. Therefore, since she is a threat to their version of society, she must be taken care of…
Some guy is making fun of Pen for being really overweight, so she throws a fit and starts hitting him with dough roller thing. Look, I am sick and tired of people saying that being obese isn’t a choice… in my opinion largely is. Some overweight people might be more pre-disposed to it because of genetics, that’s true, but many of these same people never exercise, eat poorly, and sit on their behinds all day either by choice or the nature of their jobs. Maybe if Pen didn’t spend all her time making MUFFINS and got on a treadmill she might lose some pounds, and not be as mentally unhinged!! If you die due to complications related to obesity it’s not some horrible disease you couldn’t stop yourself from getting, or working very hard toward getting better. If someone smokes cigarettes they’re badgered for bad health decisions, if someone drinks too much they’re badgered for bad health decisions… if someone dies due to complications related to obesity, everyone says OH YOU POOR THING, ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! I’m tired of this overly PC bs, and people having double standards, and not having the fortitude TO TELL PEOPLE TO APPLY THEMSELVES AND GET IN SHAPE!!!!! Being healthy isn’t easy; it’s not supposed to be.
Anyway, this whole issue they’ve been strapping Pen to a chair and forcing her to look at her idealized version of herself… and its exactly how she looks now. Oh, that’s horseshit, and completely undermines the fact that she was angry enough about being overweight to hit somebody in the face!
Final Thoughts: An okay exploration into the self conscious of a obese woman, but at the same time the entire self conscious aspect is completely thrown away in the end for a very cheesy ending. What I liked about this issue was the exploration of the society, and how subtly creepy it was.
Deadly Class #11
Some woman is getting attacked by some other chick with a sword over a boy or something, with some creepy other woman in background.
And now there’s a big, crazy ass gunfight going on I guess.
These chicks are about to get killed by a bunch of white trash guys who are presumably on crank, but they disappear in a cloud of dust…
Then they kill one woman, and these two other women are going at it. There’s one in a weird mask named Maria. I’m presuming it’s the one CM Punk had sex with…
There’s two other teen guys involved in the shootout fighting the White Trash. One of them has a Sex Pistols T-Shirt one, which instantly makes him cool.
Maria fights it out with this super ugly, overweight white trash woman and ends up STABBING HER TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT!!!! YEAH!!!!!! GOT NO FEELINGSSSSS FOR ANYBODY ELSE, EXCEPT FOR MYSELF, MY BEAUTIFUL SELF GOT NO FEELINGS!!!!
God, Never Mind the Bollocks might be the best album of all time.
And now this other white trash guy is pissed because that obese woman killed his Granny. Aye, I can kinda connect, I’d be pretty pissed if some chick in a mask killed my Grandma too…
Mrs. Ranks, who is presumably a teacher or something, is having some kinky sex with the white trash dudes, and is, LOCKED IN PEN WITH PIGS NAKED WITH A PIG MASK ON!!!
Her white trash lover comes back, and tries to shoot the other kid but misses and shoots Ranks. Oink, oink muthaf—-!
The woman who’s not Maria stabs White Trash in the back. Turns out White Trash can actually speak really well, and is making intelligent discourse while beating up, and trying to kill two chicks. He’s like the intelligent Jason Vorhees.
Some punk rock dude takes out Jason with a revolver. Oh, don’t worry Jason will be back… he always comes back…
That other dude from earlier unlocks a cage with a dog in it, and it eats the other white trash dude. There’s so much white trash involved in this comic, I feel like I’m back in Wenatchee (aye-oh)!
Final Thoughts: I didn’t really like this comic, it was very sloppy and just all over the place. They didn’t do a good job of defining any of the characters, and it was pretty hard to follow the story.
All I’m going to say about the cover is…. THAT chick has a NICE butt!
The issue starts with the main character talking to his buddy about comics. Basically, it’s just a lame excuse to rag on “corporate comics,” and talk about the whole Thor issue.
Some giant monster comes out of nowhere, and Mark’s about to fight its ass, but the Super Police are already there and Mark doesn’t have to do anything. Now, in the last couple issues people have been arguing on and on about how this perfect society won’t work, and generally stressing out. The thing is though, the entire point of superheroes is to do better for the world, and stop the villains from hurting people. If they had the resources available that this guy does, they would take advantage of them in the same way. Sure, society could become too perfect for its own good, but it’s entirely jaded for the heroes to bitch about it, because if they weren’t fighting for a better future what were they fighting for? If I were any of the heroes, or Mark I would relax and just let things sink in for a while. If things get bad, THEN move to another planet, but for now the Earth should be a heroes paradise.
And I think all that’s really eating at the heroes, even after all their speeches about the danger of the perfect world… they just want some sense of purpose that they lost when they became obsolete. Times change, and for a good analogy for this comic, I’d say that the superheroes are like the Hair Metal bands of the 80s, and this new age of safety and over perfectibility is Grunge, and Nirvana. Like grunge this era probably won’t last too long, but why not enjoy it while it’s there? The only real problem I see with the over-safe Earth environment is possibly too big of a population for Earth. You do need horrible things like people starving, and diseases, and senseless death because without them the world would become an over-populated mess, and we’d run out of resources. But even then in this comic there’s a solution to that as they could just move those people to a different planet…
Eve gets talked to her by her parents, her mom’s freaking out that she’s leaving and her Dad thinks she’s tough enough to be ok. Psssh, she’s a woman in outerspace with a baby, and a superhero husband… IF YOU’RE HER DAD HOW WOULD YOU NOT BE CONCERNED!!??? ITS F’N SPACE!!!!!
The issue ends with Eve and Mark finally naming the damn baby, and the name is Terra.
Final Thoughts: More of a moving forward kind of issue, with nothing that important or unexpected happening. You pretty much knew that Mark and Eve were leaving Earth since the last issue, so this was pretty much just closure with the people on Earth. Still a good issue and it was nice seeing the characters interact with each other, and it’s a great parallel to how they USED to interact with each other. I don’t know what Mark’s deal is with not having sex with Eve, she is so damn hot! By the way, Mark and Eve had a baby named Terra. EVE had a baby named TERRA!!! THE SUBTEXT IS TOO DEEP!!!!
Loki Agent of Asgard #11
This issue begins with Loki begging for his life and saying he’s changed. LAMEEEEEE Loki should be a badass who’s always in control, not a whimpering little bitch!
So all the Odin Gods or whatever decide not to kill Loki, but just to ignore him. And Loki’s still complaining about that!? Dude, you almost got killed and you just got let off! Quit whining!
Lady Sif recalls when Loki took over her body.
Loki ends up having Mamma Drama, and his mom uses her powers to burn him alive and send him somewhere else. Holy crap, and I thought my Mom was bad when she pulled a knife out of on me, and kicked me out of the house when I had two weeks ‘till I graduated from High School!
Loki’s Momma goes to check on the other Loki, King Loki but SWERVE he’s not there!
Kid Loki gets some more loving from his parents, as his Dad now sets him on fire and transports him to Midgard, where some sexy chick with pink hair is waiting for him. What, is it Loki’s sixteenth birthday, so his Dad got him a hooker?
King Loki shows up, and looks scary and evil as hell. Can’t believe he used to be such a lil whiner. King Loki pretty much completely ruins Kid Loki’s chances with the hot, pink haired hooker by telling her that Kid Loki killed a bunch of people, and she gets pissed and leaves.
King Loki decides to screw around with Kid Loki… which is kind of stupid considering that he’s going to turn into him… or something, and uses his magic to put Kid Loki in a chair, and tie him up with restraints. King Loki is so evil, and creepy here… and powerful. They did a really good job with the older, more hard edged Loki, and this is the most threatening I’ve ever seen him. King is going to force Kid to listen to something that forces him to turn into older him, and that’s the end of the issue.
Final Thoughts: I really liked the older Loki here for the reasons mentioned above, but Kid Loki just seemed like a rebellious, kind of poorly written brat with no real motivations. Still a decent issue, and I am interested in the plot of if Kid Loki’s going to turn into King Loki, but I’m not too invested in the actual character of Kid Loki.
Alright, that’s it for me tonight. I’ve been writing for about four hours straight, and I’m pretty exhausted so I’m going to turn this in. I wanted to also get the new Thor Annual in here as I really looking forward to reading that, but I guess I’ll just read it for entertainment and not do a review. ‘Till next time… stay sleazy.
Tags: The Weekly Misadventures Of A Comicsaholic