I have had the shittiest weekend of all time, and due to it my brain is a million miles away, and I can barely focus enough to do this column. My friend Connor decided to burglarize a house, and I was the lookout. Things didn’t end up so well, and I spent all of Saturday night/Sunday morning in County Fucking Jail! And holy fuck am I in an awful mood. I should get off considering I didn’t even go into the fucking house, and I didn’t grab or steal anything, but I guess that the people in the court house are fucking retards, because they’re still charging me with Burglary. I pretty much spent all morning calling the Court House, the Records people, and the Probation offices to see what the fuck is going on.
I lost my papers on the way back from jail on the bus, as I was completely hung over, and half awake… really it was a miracle that I even was able to take the right bus back to where I live considering how fucked off I was. And the worst part about this is, a burglary is a FUCKING FELONY CHARGE!!!!!! So if I actually get convicted my entire hiring career is over until I can get it expunged. And on top of that I now have a probation deal I’m supposed to go to, but since I lost my papers I DON’T KNOW WHERE THE FUCK I’M SUPPOSED TO GO!!!! Oh, and my Grandma is threatening to kick me out of the house about it. So if I stop doing these columns for a while… you know why. Jesus Christ…
Random Media I’ve Consumed Lately
I’ve been getting really into the older, 1998 shows. I just saw the 3/2/98 edition of Raw, and it was really damn good. I think the build up to WM 14 has to be the best build up to any Wrestlemania ever. Kane/Taker was really well done with Taker refusing to fight back against his brother, and then being gone for a month after the Royal Rumble while Kane pretty much dominated everyone on the WWF roster. So when Taker came back, and announced he was “going to drag Kane to his eternal damnation,” it was a pretty big deal, and very well done from a pacing point of view. Austin/Michaels was great, as Austin was still in the underdog role in 1998, and was constantly getting jumped by DX. The Raw where Austin was caught up in the ropes, and Michaels put the belt in Austin’s face was just so badass, and really summed up the whole feud.
Even the less important matches like the New Age Outlaws/Foley and Chainsaw feud, and Trips/Owen felt like big deals, rather than just being regulated to the midcard, and being looked at as unimportant… which is exactly what happens now. It’s just so obvious that WWF actually CARED back then, and tried to put on exciting, important Raw’s, and without any competition they just lazily drift around. Sure they might have one or two cool moments on Raw now, but there’s no sense of urgency or competition…. Or even a sense of anyone caring about the stories or the wrestlers. And that’s probably not going to change anytime soon, as nothing on TV looks even close… wrestling wise, to be able to compete with the WWE. A lot of people were banking on TNA for a while, but they pretty much shot themselves in the foot in 2010, and now are on the White Trash Network, and ROH is on at like 12 pm on Saturday’s, on a Network no one watches.
I also did a lot of speed during the week, and watched Die Hard, Army of Darkness, and Big Trouble in Little China… and the thing that sticks out to me about those movies that I never really realized before was how obvious the 80s heroes cliché’ was. All of the heroes in those movies are all good people, but are really badassed, and don’t really want to be involved in any of the shit that happens to them… and they pretty much just want things to get back to normal, but all get caught up with some hot chick so they have to go back to save them, and put themselves in a ridiculous amount of risk. Also, all of them are really pissed off.
The most interesting item to show up today is that Brock Lesnar showed up at a UFC show, and the WWE office is freaking out about Lesnar possibly not showing up at Wrestlemania to job to Reigns. Hmmm, maybe they should’ve taken the title off Lesnar at the Rumble…. Anyway, I think that while Lesnar’s being a lil prima donna about getting enough money (mind you, he barely ever shows up on Raw, and has had three matches in a period of over six months) WWE should’ve known what they were getting themselves into with Lesnar, and they should just cut out the new non-complete clauses and pay him whatever he wants so the main event of Wrestlemania, and the story that they’ve been building since last year’s WM isn’t completely ruined. I mean, really if Lesnar doesn’t show up at WM, or ever show up in WWE again, it’s going to become extremely awkward to even mention that he’s the guy who broke Taker’s streak, and that Cena completely jobbed out to him. You can read the full story here. http://uproxx.com/prowrestling/2015/03/wwe-creatives-coming-up-with-a-backup-plan-in-case-brock-lesnar-no-shows-wrestlemania/
I might’ve stuck my foot in my mouth above when I was talking about how Raw has absolutely no prime time, wrestling competition. Apparently Spike TV is seriously considering airing ROH, I imagine they might be hurting a bit with their Thursday slot, and not getting the ratings that they used to. Maybe if they aired something other than Bar Rescue, and Fast and Furious repeats they would get better ratings. Y’know one thing you used to always be able to say about Spike, weather you liked the Network or not, was that at least it had some kind of theme to it.
In 2005 they had the constant CSI Miami reruns so you could tell they were going for the USA/Law and Order audience. Then they switched out from Raw, and put in TNA, and started airing nothing but TNA and UFC repeats, and had their whole “Programming for Men,” deal. They eased up on the UFC repeats around 2009-10, and started airing those awful Manswers and 1000 Ways to Die shows, which definitely had the 12-19 audience, and they had a combination of programming for mid teens, young adults, and some brain dead older adults. Now that Spike has lost UFC, and TNA, and their attempts to do a spin off ala 1000 Ways to Lie completely failed, they have absolutely no dependable audience anymore. Spike doesn’t even have any kind of theme anymore, they just replay 2000s movies, and repeats of lame reality shows. Spike really is dead in the water right now, and needs SOMETHING to fill the gap that they lost when they lost MMA, UFC, and TNA. ROH, if marketed correctly, could fill that gap.
Styles had a pretty basic interview on Chad Dukes Wrestling Show. He defended the Styles Clash by saying that the person taking it controlled what happened to their head, said he wants to make love to Samoa Joe, and tells you to buy ROH shampoo.
Pulled from PW, but you can get the full audio interview here. http://chaddukeswrestlingshow.com/2015/02/26/the-chad-dukes-wrestling-interview-with-iwgp-champion-aj-styles/
Wiz Khalifa is going to show up on Raw, and probably rap battle John Cena, and talk about how much he hates Seth Rollins, and how his favorite wrestler growing up WASN’T CM Punk.
As far as the Raw Preview tonight, Lesnar isn’t going to show up, even though he was supposed to this week, so expect another passionate Paul Heyman promo. Goddamn it Heyman, you got us into this mess by selling WWE on Lesnar as champ…
Stewart’s going to show up on Raw, and dick around with Rollins and Cena. This should be some great publicity for Raw, and it’s from the Comedy Central audience, so finally we have an audience that’s so degenerate that they can’t look down on us!
I’m also hoping Undertaker shows up tonight so we don’t have to sit through anymore of those awful Wyatt promos. Also, expect Roman Reigns to look strong, and for Daniel Bryan to get beat up by The Authority… again.
Of course they’re going to play The Mummy before Raw’s on, just to remind us that Dwayne could be on Raw, and things could be much, much worse.
I just have this horrible feeling that this Raw is going to be completely terrible.
CM Punk’s in the house: Seth Rollins comes out to start the show, I’m hoping that he ends up having a political argument with Jon Stewart about Obamacare. I don’t know how, but The Daily Show makes everything really cute. This whole angle is supposed to be Rollins wanting to kill Stewart, and it turns into a cute segment with Rollins putting Stewart in a headlock, while John makes jokes about how Seth is literally going to kill him.
Seth is reminding me more and more of CM Punk lately. Just the way he makes every situation deadly serious, and refuses to be talked, or treated down to. Roman Reigns comes out with his Venom shirt on. Jesus Christ, Reigns already has his douchey smile on. I think that Reigns is on the CM Punk sleeping schedule, he looks worse than I did in my mugshot….
Holy shit Rollins is turning into CM Punk. “I can out talk Jon Stewart, I can out rap Wiz Khalifa, and I can out wrestle you (Reigns.)” Let’s compare to Punk, “I am the best on that microphone, I am the best in the ring, even on commentary. Nobody can touch me.” Well…. Rollins isn’t quite there, but he’s close… Reigns makes fun of Rollins for not beating Lesnar at Royal Rumble, and challenges Rollins to a triple threat at WM with Rollins cashing in his briefcase. The fans are reading my mind I guess as they start a LOUD CM Punk chant. God, I just can’t get him off my mind today… Rollins says he’s going to do the smart thing, and cash in at a random time instead of wasting it in a triple threat match, which makes Reigns really pissy, so he punches Rollins in the face, and ko’s JJ Security. I have to say, THIS is the character they need for Reigns. He shouldn’t try to be an obnoxious condescending face, he should be a pissed off big guy, who’s not that smart and decides to beat up people because he can AND HE’S IN THE MOOD DAMMIT!! It sounds like a heel trait, but its honestly the best way to utilize Reigns as trying to turn him into Triple H circa 2006 isn’t really working.
That dumbass Geico Horror movie commercial pisses me off, HORROR MOVIES ARE NOT LIKE THAT!!!! I HAVE NEVER SEEN A HORROR MOVIE WHERE PEOPLE HAVE HIDDEN BEHIND FUCKING CHAINSAWS!!!!
1st Match: Dean Ambrose vs Wade Barrett
R Truth is one UGLY black guy. Ambrose however, is look pretty sexy.
DEAN AMBROSE DOES THE BULLDOG FROM THE CORNER!!!! CM PUNK IS STILL ALIVE ON RAW DAMMIT!!!!
After a flurry of offense from Ambrose, Barrett slows him down with some kicks to the head and sends him to the outside. Barrett grabs his championship back, and taunts as we cut to commercial.
Commercial for Universal, Universal is pretty damn fun but the Harry Potter thing is fucking awful, and you’ll legit throw up seeing all the fat, lame assed 30 year old guys dressed up as wizards, and playing with wands. Jesus Christ… and I thought wrestling fans were lame…
Back from commercial, and Ambrose tries to come back but runs into a black hole slam. R-Truth has been on commentary this whole time, and now Luke Harper shows up. Truth gives Rowan the title because he thinks that Harper is a zombie from the Walking Dead (I am not making this up), and Wade Barrett has to suffer the IC Champion curse, as he loses to Ambrose because OF THE DISTRACTION DWAG!!!!
Sandow’s still a little bitch: Sandow is such a little bitch. There’s some huge midcard party going on backstage, which is pretty much just an excuse for Miz to pick on Sandow some more, and show off his new commercial. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAA IT’S AN ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION COMMERCIAL!!!!! That’s actually pretty damn funny. After the screening all the midcarders make fun of Miz, and Miz literally looks like he’s about to cry, and starts bragging about how big his dick is. This honestly has to be the funniest sketch WWE’s done in a while, probably since Bryan/Kane. Sandow gets right in Miz’s face and looks like he’s finally about to do something, but then decides to continue being a little bitch and says he’s sorry. They are building this up really well, and when Sandow finally does attack the Miz its going to be huge. My only problem is that Sandow doesn’t really have any real motivation for NOT attacking the Miz. Sandow was in the WWE before he was in a team with Miz, and has multiple gimmicks that were just as over Mizdow. The buildup has been well done, but the motivation itself isn’t that realistic.
Instead of even bothering with Wyatt’s promo, I’m just going to share this song. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cKRBqhyRm8I
Boy, I Can’t Wait for WM 14!: Wyatt decides to burn Taker’s casket, so now they’re definitely ripping off Kane/Taker 98 feud right? Doesn’t Wyatt realize that burning the Undertaker literally never works?
Taken 4 with an Eminem soundtrack… Jesus. The first Taken movie was pretty decent, but those movies are just so serious in tone they’re not fun to watch, like older action movies that are more tongue in cheek (Commando) and it doesn’t match up to fucking PERFECT action movies (Die Hard). The first Taken is also pretty dated in that weird, overly serious late 2000s movie period. Making three other movies that are essentially the same plot with different turns is pretty ridiculous, and pretty much takes away any thing the first film did critically by whoring it out for $$$. You could say the same about Die Hard, but all of the sequels to Die Hard are pretty great, except for the fifth one.
2nd Match: Antoino Cesaro and Tyson Kidd vs HOLY FUCK, THEY’RE WRESTLING THE USO’S AGAIN!!!!??
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me… WWE’s TAG DIVISION IS FUCKING AWFUL!!!! WE’VE SEEN THIS MATCH FOUR FUCKING TIMES ALREADY!!!! CAN WWE PLEASE HAVE SOMEONE WRESTLE OTHER THAN THE GODDAM USO’S!!!???
It’s actually a mixed six man tag, but goddamn I’m tired of seeing these two tag teams going at it. Fuck, I’m tired of the Uso’s in general.
Natyla whines about getting tagged in, and gets rolled up by Naomi for the win. Natyla’s pissed at Tyson… and all I can focus on is that Natyla probably weighs more than Tyson.
And now we’ve got the main event of Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins. I’m not sure if that’s too smart considering if Lesnar doesn’t show that could be your WM main event.
They show a doc feature for Booker T, showing his comeback from being in prison from a felony, to his rise in WCW and WWE. That’s actually pretty cool, and gives me a bit of hope that I can come back from this bullshit burglary charge. Also, it looks like a sweet ass doc, and is pretty cool considering they’ve never done a Booker T doc before.
God, that Little Cesar’s Bacon Wrapped Pizza looks so fucking good.
Sheamus is coming back and no one cares. Not even the marks.
Cena comes out to cut probably the exact same promo from last week. Y’know, something I didn’t even think about ‘till right now, where the fuck is Daniel Bryan? Cena tries going into the Andre the Giant battle royal… which probably isn’t going to actually happen, and then The Bitch of Baskerville (Eric S) comes out. Stephanie acts like it’s a big honor to go into the battle royal, which Cena responds to with a pretty funny remark… he points out that a bunch of really lame mid-carders announced that they were going to be in the battle royal. Stephanie freaks out about him pointing it out, and Cena tells Stephanie she’s a bitch now. BWAHAHAHAHAHA Cena should just rag on Stephanie all the time, he’s great like this. Stephanie does a pretty good job of playing a perfect realistic catty bitch, she’s acting just like my mom! Then again, she’s probably not playing a role….
God, women are completely and utterly batshit. I think that woman have somehow been getting crazier and crazier in this day and age. Hearing Stephanie bitch just reminds me of all the women in power I’ve met, and how they like to yell, disparage you, and use half truths to make you feel like shit, and make themselves feel better. Stephanie might be right, WWE doesn’t need John Cena…. But John Cena is a much more important factor to WWE than fucking Stephanie is. GET HER OFF MY GODDAMN SCREEN, AND STOP REMINDING ME HOW BATSHIT WOMEN ARE!!!!
Curtis Axel comes out, and compliments The Crazy Bitch, and the entire crowd starts chanting Axlmania. Stephanie says that the only way Cena is going to get into Wrestlemania is to get Rusev to change his mind… well he could just pull a CM MOTHERFUCKING PUNK and put Rusev in a submission hold, and force him to accept the match. Cena grabs the mic, and tells Axel that he’s literally going to kill him if Axel wrestles him tonight… which pisses off the crowd because they like Axel, and it starts a pretty big Cena sucks chant. I’m not going to lie, I actually like this direction they’re going with Cena. By putting him in this big of an underdog spot, and having to deal with The Bitch of Baskerville it really does have him come across as sympathetic, and it’s realistic enough for him to be so backed up in a corner that he’s going to stop dicking around, and well… turn to the darkside. Very well done character development, and Stephanie is enough of a realistic, obnoxious bitch that you can get into the story.
3rd Match: John Cena vs Curtis Axel
See, this is obnoxious, you can’t have a cute gimmick like Axlmania without WWE deciding to bring it down a few notches. Cena hits an FU, and an STF in about ten seconds to win the match. Jesus…
Look, if I was John Cena I would gladly take off WM. Wrestlemania has lost its specialness to the point of hilarity, I mean honestly, why would Cena care if he doesn’t wrestle at Wrestlemania? Who the fuck cares? Cena of course is going to get a title shot at some point or another, and it’s not like wrestling Rusev is a big honor or anything. Jesus Christ… the motivation for Cena being pissed makes sense on a surface level, but we’ve never seen him value Wrestlemania THAT much… it’s hard for us to care about Cena not getting a match at Wrestlemania because his entire career he’s just been given everything, and never really had to claw, and EARN anything… at least not since he won his first WWE title in 2005. Wrestling at Wrestlemania isn’t a big deal… if Cena sits this one out it shouldn’t matter considering he’s been at every Wrestlemania since 2004. If this was for a title or something there would be more drama, but one match at Wrestlemania just doesn’t cut it.
COO Trips comes out to cut another promo about Sting, and look extremely douchey. I was busy dealing with court stuff with my Dad, and trying to send him information so I could get a dismissal for my case, so I missed the entirety of this promo. However, Trips came across as really intense here and basically expresses that he HATES WCW, and needs to beat Sting to eliminate the last trace of WCW. I actually wish they would show clips of him beating Goldberg, Booker T, Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, etc… because I always thought that whole mid 2000s period of WWE was just Trips using his political power to dominate everyone from WCW, and it would definitely add to the angle.
4th Match: Paige vs Nikki Bella© w/ Bri Bella for the Woman’s Championship
It is so obvious why this match is here, as there was a big woman’s rights/wrestling deal going around starting with AJ Lee talking shit to Stephanie over Twitter. So to make up for all the four minute diva matches, and that 80 percent of the WWE tv programming is taken up by dudes, we’re probably going to get a decent length diva’s title match here.
The problem with looking at women wrestlers the same as guy wrestlers is that WOMEN ARE SO MUCH FUCKING HOTTER AND I END UP EXTREMELY HORNY!!! Srsly, Nikki and Paige are so fucking hot…
They’re really trying to make a movie about Will Ferrell being thug? Are you kidding me? I mean, that movie probably would’ve done well in 2001, but in 2015?
Rusev’s like one of those big black guys, in that you just know that he destroyed Lana’s vagina.
We come back from commercial and Nikki’s got Pagie in a backbreaker/chinlock combo. Goddamn, Nikki looks hot. And Paige’s teensy wittle tights…
Nikki and Paige take each other out with that double clothesline spot…
Something I want to mention before I forget, I have not seen ONE lame assed anti smoking ad on Raw. Thank you for finally cutting those out, WWE!
Paige comes back with a bunch of clotheslines, and goes for… a sharpshooter or something, but Bri gets on the apron. Paige takes her out, and hits Nikki with the superkick into the PTO, and has the match won but Bri runs in and attacks Paige causing a DQ. Bella’s are teaming up BUT AJ LEE COMES OUT!!!! YEAH BITCH!!!!! MY BABYYYYYYYYY IS BACK!!!!!
God, AJ still looks as hot as ever… Punk is one lucky bastard. Lee and Paige take out the Bella’s while the fans chant CM Punk. Paige and Lee as a tag team is pretty damn cool as they’re both crazy af, and it will be interesting to see them work together.
GOD DAMN AJ HAS A NICE ASS!!!!!!
Oh, and of course I mention the anti-smoking ads, so they have one right after that match. Time for a ciggie…. Oh yeah, I’m definitely going to lose my fucking jaw from smoking twenty cigs a day, that’s REALISTIC!!! If anything dip has a way higher chance of you losing your jaw, but I guess chewing tobacco isn’t as big a threat AS THE EVIL CIGARETTES!!!!
The Daily Show With Seth Rollins!!!! Oh shit!
It is so fucking surreal to see Jon Stewart on Raw. I had to show my Grandma that whole Jon Stewart segment, and I have to say it was fucking sweet! You can tell Stewart is an actual fan as he knows exactly what the stories are, and what’s happening, and is putting logical things together that WWE hasn’t mentioned in months. Stewart was also really fucking good on the mic, and I would love to see him on Raw again. He wasn’t disrespectful, and didn’t look down on the sport at all, and the whole segment was just really, really well done. Even when he hit Rollins with a low blow it was more of a luck thing, and he didn’t actually look like he could, y’know, beat Rollins in a fight. This was definitely the best outcome to this, and was definitely worth the buildup. Great segment!
This show has been pretty good so far, and the commercials have barely been there. All the character development and Wrestlemania build up has been pretty good… great show so far.
5th Match: Luke Harper vs Daniel Bryan
Bryan’s stuck wrestling Luke Fucking Harper, are you kidding me? So Bryan’s officially stuck in the midcard now…
Harper’s dominating Bryan by working over Bryan’s neck, and using his power and size to keep Bryan grounded. Harper gets retarded and tries to get technical with a crossface, so Daniel reverses it into the Yes Lock.
Well, that’s all we’re seeing of Daniel Bryan for the night I guess…
And Wade Barrett took his title back, but runs into Ambrose on the ramp… and Ambrose takes the title back but runs into a big boot by Harper who takes the title. Truth takes the title, and the WHOLE FUCKING TIME THE FANS ARE CHANTING DANIEL BRYAN!!!! Jesus…. And then Dolph Ziggler superkicks Harper, and grabs the title. Bryan stands there doing absolutely nothing. Nice to see that Creative is completely fucking retarded.
Alundra Blyaze, who threw the Woman’s Title in the garbage in Nitro is being inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Wha????? Didn’t Trips, who is now part of the board of directors, JUST CUT A PROMO ABOUT HOW HE’S TRYING TO DESTROY ALL TRACES OF WCW?!!!???
I don’t like most stuff that’s “Great Value,” but their ice cream cones are so goddamn good.
Heyman’s here to stick up for his bb Brock Lesnar. If Lesnar doesn’t show up at WM, Heyman is going to take the full brunt of it… Y’know, Heyman has GOT to be getting sick of cutting passionate promos about the same thing every week. If I was Heyman I’d be not only stressed out about my job, but pissed that Lesnar is never there, which causes him to be on repeat every week. Heyman’s GREAT on the mic, but even he must get tired of verbally blowing Brock Lesnar ever week.
Main Event: Roman Reigns vs Seth Rollins
I can’t get over how douchey Roman Reigns is. Oh, and the fans are turning on Reigns HARD, chanting you can’t wrestle at him.
Just saw this tweet from Hyatte and I HAVE to share it because it’s completely true.
Chris Hyatte @HyatteLives • 20m 20 minutes ago
WM IS gonna SUCK, BTW. We are a month away and we know the winners to the top three matches already! (Sting, Undertaker, Reigns) #RAW
Jesus Christ, I didn’t even look at it like that but he’s completely right. Not to mention Sting isn’t going to be that great in the ring, Undertaker was terrible at least years Mania, and Reigns is WAY too green.
Back to the match, and Rollins takes over with a dropkick and some punches.
Rollins throws Reigns to the outside, and JJ Security tries to attack Reigns, but Reigns just throws them off. Reigns goes for a spear, but ends up hitting the post. Big Show comes out…. And now Orton’s coming out. Me thinks all this interference and over booking is to protect Reigns from exposing his actual in ring skills.
We come back from commercial, and Rollins in control with a couple elbows, and a chin lock. Time for the babyface comeback I guess…
Reigns comes back, and I have to say, his multiple clotheslines in the corner spot looks like shit. Regins goes for the punch, but Rollins dodges and hits his kick for two. The fans are so completely indifferent to this match… I think that WWE forgot that to have a good babyface the crowd has to actually, y’know, care about him.
I just can’t get over how little the crowd cares about Roman Reigns, it’s almost to the point of comedy. Rollins comes off the top rope but Reigns does the Cena Power Out thing, and hits a chokeslam for two. The crowd STILL doesn’t care…. This would be like WWF pushing Kevin Nash in the 90s, if NO ONE CARED ABOUT HIM!!!! Jesus Christ!
Kane hits Reigns with a steel chair and Rollins gets a close two… to again, the complete apathy of the crowd. WWE HAS to cut out this Reigns experiment, or at least interject someone else into the WM Main Event because the crowd could not care less about Regins. Reigns sets up for the Punch but Orton grabs Reign through the apron and Rollins gets a roll up for the win. THE CROWD DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK!!!
Then just because Reigns has to look strong ON EVERY FUCKING RAW, Reigns completely destroys Big Show and Rollins by himself.
I thought this Raw was actually pretty decent for the most part, with the highlight being the great Jon Stewart segment. However, the main event really sucked all the atmosphere out of the show, and this entire Roman Reigns push is just so forced. It’s like they’re having wrestling without the crowd there, as they’re completely ignoring the audience, and WWE is just doing whatever the fuck they want to. This has been said a lot, but at least before now Reigns has been getting heel heat… tonight the crowd was just indifferent to him… and the commentators pretending the audience cared, and constantly blowing Reigns didn’t help either. What an awful way to end a good Raw…
I have to do probation shit tomorrow, so I’ll keep you guys updated on my situation if I don’t get kicked out, or stuck in jail. So see ya next time… hopefully…
Tags: Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy