Wrestling Opinions From A Sleazy Guy 03/23/2015

template1600_sleazyguy

Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 3.22.1998
By Sebastian Howard

OHHHH one of these nights, one of these crazy nights… swear I’m gonna find you…

God, why do so many good rock songs that are supposed to be about innocent love, turn into a little more than slightly creepy, stalking songs? I think the best example of this is The Polices, “Every Breath you take, every step you take, I’ll be watching you.” I mean goddamn, if I send that to a chick on Facebook I’d be blocked and have a restraining order against me. And I really don’t need another one of those….

I’m pussyfooting around the main theme here and that is I have just gotten so sick of reviewing, and talking about current Raw, and wrestling in 2015 in general. I’m tired of reading the constant criticisms about the WWE… and not because the criticisms are misdirected, or incorrect, but because THEY’RE SO SPOT ON!!!! Just look at some of the headlines from Inside Pulse, and it will show exactly what the attitude toward this Wrestlemania… and WWE in general has been. Wrestle-Meh-ania. CB’s How Wrestlemania can be saved from Fan Backlash, and Joel even says he’s not looking forward to the matches, but rather the moments in between… and during, I suppose. The point here is usually the IWC can’t agree on ANYTHING!!! Last year, there was a bit of dissention between people about whether or not Bryan was going to get his storybook win at WM, and arguments constantly raged about if Bryan was ready for main event level. The year before there was a lot of argument about the Punk/Taker feud, and if Punk should be the one to end Taker’s streak, or if the feud even deserved that treatment. You also had people who loved Flex’s appearances on Raw, and thought it was great that he got to end Punk’s title feud, while people with functioning brain cells wanted to rip Flex’s throat out for denying us Punk/Taker, Title vs Streak (which would have led to the match having a much better build up).

The point I’m trying to make here is that usually, at least some people in the IWC become straight up marks around Wrestlemania season, and are blind to any valid criticism because Wrestlemania is their security blanket, and they get all wax nostalgia for it. Even without that there is usually some argument leading up to Wrestlemania, and dissention in the IWC. This time though, literally EVERYONE is saying the same thing. We all hate Reigns, we don’t think he’s ready, and we want Bryan in the main event. It’s the most obvious thing in the world, but the WWE doesn’t care about their fans as long as they can have that security blanket of 3.0 averages, sponsors, and ad revenue. Watching Raw is like watching a wrestling show where it seems like all the performers, to the commentators, to the wrestlers, to the writers, wish that the crowd wasn’t there. There’s no real fan interaction anymore, as people inside the business just tell the fans, who are paying their salary, to shut up and enjoy what they’re giving them. That line kind of worked back in 2002 when it was a small collection of fans who wanted this and that to happen, but now that is the entire arena, and EVERY CROWD is pissed, and saying the same thing… it’s just absolutely dumb on every level to continue on the path that they’re on.

Watching WWE in the current state is just depressing, and puts me in the wrong kind of mood to continue writing about it. It’s not a fun experience… at least beforehand, in 2011-14 you could point out that Punk was champion and kicking ass, and Bryan was getting push… there were still characters that you cared about in big case scenarios that felt important. Even if the angles didn’t go the way you wanted them to, at the very least you had wrestlers that you CARED about, in angles you CARED about! Compare that to now and everyone’s opinion is mostly apathy or anger. My friend Caliber, who used to write for the BOD, before all the idiots licking Keith’s ass trolled him enough to the point where he left (aye retards, guess who made the background to BOD? Y’know the one with the astronaut floating in space? It was Caliber, you IDIOTS!!!! GO BACK TO READING SCOTT KEITH’S SHOPPING LIST, BWHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!!) . Anyway, Caliber told me that if the Attitude Era happened now (circa ’98), Steve Austin would’ve lost the Rumble, and been stuck wrestling Hunter Heart Helmsly, Rocky Mavia would’ve been pushed as Rocky Mavia, won the Rumble, and never had the character revision, and Mick Foley would’ve adopted a fifth persona were he likes to hug people. The creepy thing is, that sounds completely accurate and indicative of WWE’s booking today.

So just to get out of the depressing funk that WWE in 2015 has been causing me, I’m going to do some retro Raw’s and Nitro’s. Wrestling was, as a whole a lot more fun back then for reasons I’m sure you’ve read about at a million other sites. I’ve always loved doing retro reviews as the past has always fascinated me (especially the recent past, 70s, 80s, and 90s are all very compelling to me) so I love going into the era. That’s also why I love doing retro reviews on my Comic Column at Nexus… honestly even if the stuff I’m reviewing is quality (and believe me, comics in 2015 are a lot better written than WWE is…) I just get tired of the current era, and like to go back to older stuff sometimes, just to break up the same-same atmosphere, and because it’s pretty fun.

Now I wanted to do a retro wrestling news thing, I figured it would be pretty cool looking back at it, and having a better view on the news which could lead to better commentary… just a more extensive commentary than just looking at the recent news and saying, “I think this about this, and I’m predicting this about this,” etc.. However, I was two years old in 1998, and don’t know any of the good dirtsheet sites from that time period. I tried the big ones that exist now, but the only one I could find that goes all the way back to ’98 was WrestleZone, and that one only has two or three archives points in that entire year. So if you remember any good wrestling news sites from that time give me a buzz in the comments. Would really appreciate it 😉

 

Random Media I’ve Consumed as of Late

Okay just as a rule, Garth Ennis is the best comic writer of all time. I don’t give a fuck what anyone else says because they can go suck it. Been reading Preacher like crazy, and a lot of the old Constantine issues he wrote, AND the Punisher/Punisher Max stuff he did in the 2000s. He just has a great handle on everything, and people can bitch that he’s too gratituios with his stuff, but the thing is if someone gets their dick bit off by a dog in a Garth Ennis comic, it’s not going to be a one off joke that’s just there for style, no, he’s actually going to make that part of the character and have them express, realistically the pain they’re going through; which in turn leads back to the three dimensional character he’s already created and plays into their insecurities and weaknesses. The only thing I’d really give Ennis trouble for is he relies far too heavily on the cliché’ loser guy, who’s really lame the whole series and can’t seem to do anything right, but is a good guy deep down and ends up having really important shit fall into his lap. It was cute the first time Garth, but do the exact same thing in Welcome Home, Frank? C’mon now, you’re better than that…

I’ve also read a really well done book on 70s/80s exploitation horror, and the author really does a good job of expressing just why he likes these movies so much, while also showing you all the grit and dirt backstage. Just a really well done book… it’s a shame that you can’t find any of the movies the guy is talking about now, because he really hyped them up to be something worth watching. The Texas Trailer Massacre or whatever especially seemed really far ahead in terms of horror movies at the time.
AND ON TO THE GOOD STUFF BABY!!!! RAW 1998, 3/23/1998

We start off with a clip of last week that highlights the fact that Vince just doesn’t want Austin as champion. The beginning of this angle was so well done as Vince wasn’t ridiculously over the top at this point. He was just tired of taking Austin’s shit, and in all honesty through a corporate standpoint it completely makes sense why he wouldn’t want Austin to be champion. SHADES OF GRAYYY BABY!!!!

I love the hardcore theme song for the Attitude shows too. NOT ENOUGH TIME, CAN’T YOU FEEL THE THRON IN YOUR EYE!!! That’s a good song to get hyped for a wrestling show, not fucking rap or Nickle-Ugh.

Austin vs McMahon… when it was, y’know, a fresh idea:

The crowd is just exploding for Steve here, and y’know that Steve was having the time of his life out here. This was when Steve was the best character wise in the WWF, as he was an anti-hero… he was pretty much a heel that was so cool you couldn’t help but cheer him. In ’99 they made him far too overly face, and had him saving Stephanie McMahon and dumb shit like that.

Steve Austin talks some shit about Shawn, saying he’s going to beat Shawn. Kelly makes the mistake of informing Austin that DX is here in “full force,” and Austin gets pissed, “Does that mean that you don’t think Steve Austin is in full force!? Are you insulting me!?” Sgt. Slaughter comes out, and tells Austin he’s wrestling tonight. Oh, and Austin’s wrestling Rocky Mavia, the IC Champion. Mind you this is six days before Wrestlemania, and what’s great is that this is so more subtle, and more intelligent than Vince having like, eight guys come down to the ring and beating the shit out of Austin the week before the PPV. Slaughter pisses Austin off by threatening to make the main event of Wrestlemania 14 non title, and Austin ain’t having none of it and stuns Slaughter! YEAH BABYYYYY!!!!! 1998 RAW IS THE SHIT!!!!!
1st Match: Chainsaw Funk and Mickers vs The QUEER- Becers

I think that Terry Funk was so out of shape, and horrible in the ring by 98 that it leads to a lot of Foley/Funk matches being disjointed. I would’ve preferred it if Al Snow took his place instead, as he has the same hardcore gimmick, and was better in the ring in 98.

Foley and Funk take the Queers out of the ring, when Road Dogg and Billy Gunn come out in fucking tuxedos and start setting up a table, and the giant dumpster they threw Foley/Funk in that famous Raw moment… mostly famous for JR’s ridiculous, over the top commentary. Last week, to get revenge on the Outlaws, Foley/Funk hung Road Dogg up by a rope upside down and beat the shit out of him! Cool random stuff like that NEVER happens on Raw now!

Funk is in the ring, getting beat up for the hot tag…. Which seems to be the only thing he CAN do, and he gets the hot tag to Foley, but before the match can continue the Well Dressed Outlaws come down to the ring, and attack Foley/Funk with a bucket. Road Dogg then brings the smallest table I’ve ever seen in a wrestling show… it looks like a baby table or something… and puts the table through Funk (kind of like how you’d put a frame through someone, the table is literally the size of a picture frame). Then they piledrive Foley on the table ‘cus they can! This was a pretty cool segment, and showed that the Outlaws could get hardcore… but why the fuck were Gunn and Road wearing tuxs?

Looking at a picture of Steve Austin and The Rock, with a white type that says, “Tonight,” IS THE MOST 90S THING EVER!!!!

2nd Match: Jeff Jarrett (with a light up red jacket, and riding a fucking horse!!!!) vs Steve Blackman

Part of me really liked the NWA invasion angle that WWF was doing in 1998 because you’d get a lot of good matches out it. However, at the same time the angles were so bad, and just the fact that Jeff Jarrett was leading it…. And that his whole gimmick at the time was that he was a cheesy country heel that no one liked, kinda takes the importance out of the angle.

My friend Nick cracked me up the other day as we were watching an old 1998 Raw, and Blackman and Shamrock came out. Nick saw that, and just shut the laptop, and said, “Holy shit, I feel like I just disarmed a bomb.” BWAHAHAHAHA I LUV U NICKERS!!!!

Jeff Jarrett hits the worstly botched backdrop suplex I’ve ever seen. Think about Jeff Jarrett like this, he considers himself to be as important as The Rock. God, just watching Jeff Jarrett…. It’s always kinda sad… Not because he’s bad in the ring but the fact that he’s so vanilla, pushed so hard, and has never really been over. How do you not feel bad for him? Anyway, Jarrett gets a crossbody and Tennessee, Jarrett’s manager, held Blackman’s leg down so he couldn’t kick out.

Blackman’s pissed, and hits the Sheamus Kick on Jarrett. Wait a second… holy fuck, SHEAMUS IS KEN SHAMROCK!!!! EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE NOW!!!! Sheamus… errr Blackman chases Tennis down the ramp, while Jarrett poses.

DX Public workout in Boston MA at noon. Holy shit, I would’ve SO gone to that. “Aye Trips, why don’t you do some more roids and fuck the owner’s daughter you pussy!?” “Who are you, Kevin Nash?” – To Trips “Wow, 123 Kid got buff,” – Chyna “I hope you don’t lose your smile during the workout Shawn!”

Last week on Raw some monkey mascot ran around acting like an idiot, so Kane came out to kill him. This led to some of the funniest commentary I’ve ever heard. Cole: This isn’t monkey business anymore JR!

Jim Ross: THIS ISN’T THE PART OF THE SHOW DAMMIT!!! THAT MAN HAS A FAMILY!!! WOULD SOMEONE STOP THAT SICK SON OF A BITCH!!!!! WE NEED SOME PARAMEDICS!!! I’VE SAID IT THREE TIMES ALREADY, SOMEONE GET SOME DAMN MEDICAL ATTENTION OUT HERE!!!!

Undertaker talks to the grave of his dead parents. The only problem here is that two weeks ago Taker told Kane he already talked to their parents in Heaven, and that’s why he was gone so long. CONTINUITY PROBLEMS!!!!

WWF was doing a Legend Action Figure Series back in ’98, but it was a retarded version as half of their legends were in WCW so it was guys that were dead or too old to wrestle at that point, like Andre the Giant and Freddy Blasie.

Paul Bearer and Kane come out to give some reason for Jim Ross to yell. Kane makes thundahhh hit the ramp, and then he hits the commentator table… and then the light. God, this is so cheesy… the fans just aren’t buying it at all and boo the shit out of this segment. I think for the most part the Kane/Taker feud has been really well done, but this segment is a bit of a step down from the high quality segments from beforehand. Holy shit, Kane just lit some dude on fire with his lightening!!! What the fuckkkkkkkkkkkk!???? HOW DID THEY DO THAT!!???

Y’know, if you really think about the Undertaker/Kane story was done well from a three dimensional point of view. Undertaker’s back story and personal demons make sense, but I think the problem is that the characters themselves are so obviously cartoony, and fake. What works in a horror movie isn’t necessarily going to work in a wrestling show… Steve Austin is probably a better three dimensional character than Kane because Steve Austin has his real life persona thrown in there and everything he’s doing relates back to that… while Kane hasn’t really been able to ever use his real life personality as part of his character until up to recently with the Corporate Kane gimmick.
3rd Match: The most badass shoot tagteam ever!!!! (Hardcore Holly and Bart Gunn) vs DOA (The White Trash Bikers)

In real life, I’m pretty sure Hardcore Holly and Bart Gunn could beat just about any other tag team in WWE/F. Bart Gunn’s a badassed boxer, and Holly’s tough as fuck. I kind of wish they could’ve just pushed as straight badasses at the time, but instead they basically had the Hollywood Blondes gimmick, and it didn’t really work for them.

Oh also, last week Jim Cornette said that Bart and Hardcore are the New Midnight Express. Anyway, while this match is going, which Bart and Holly are completely dominating by the way, like eight tag teams come to the outside of the ring and start fighting with each other. The brawl goes to the inside, and the match ends in a clusterfuck. Yay, 90s nonfinishes!!!!

Oh, and this how retarded WWF could get even back then. About two weeks ago they broke up the Road Warriors, so throughout this clusterfuck the fans are chanting LOD like crazy. Well they can’t pull out the LOD now because the writers wrote themselves into a hole… what did they think they were going to get by breaking up the LOD? That’s dumber than breaking up The Dudley Boys in 2002, and having them on separate brands.

Raw is War is over, and its Warzone time baby!!!! I have no idea what the difference is… like was one taped, or one live, or was it the same arena and they just had a split in the middle? And why did WarZone have such a better theme song?

BREAK IT DOWN!!!! DX IS COMING OUT BITCHES!!!! WITH MIKE F’N TYSON!!!!!

Y’know, I was reading some old Eric S columns from 2002 when Trips turned on Shawn, and a lot of people from his Mailbag were bitching that Trips turning on Shawn didn’t make sense, and it seemed that WWE was just drawing names out of a hat and feuding them with each other. While I understand why they’d have that opinion, I have to disagree big time. Think about it, in 1998 Trips was Shawn’s lil bitch minion. Trips was NEVER on top when Shawn was around, and didn’t get over until after Shawn was injured. So from a motivation point, I think it completely makes sense that Trips would have a lot of resentment toward Shawn, Trips always has to prove he’s the best against everyone, so he would of course have to prove that he’s better than Shawn. So from that standpoint I think the angle was really well done, but at the same time I can see them not explaining the motivations well during the buildup which could explain why a lot of people soured on the angle.

Back to 1998 though, Shawn cuts a pretty great promo basically saying he doesn’t give a fuck, and that he’s going to beat Austin at WM. Oh, and he makes fun of Austin for stunning Slaughter again, hinting that its getting stale. Oh, just wait Shawn, he was still doing it in 2004 too….

Hearing Mike Tyson refer to Shawn as “Heartbreak,” is pretty cute.

Gennifer Flowers tells you to come out of the closet, and admit you’re a wrestling fan. Who, in their right mind would actually be scared of admitting they watched wrestling in the late 90s? Now, it’s not exactly cool… I remember walking around with my CM Punk shirt in high school, and people telling me I’m a fag, and shit like, “Don’t you know that’s fake? Why don’t you watch UFC?” Why don’t you go suck some dick, bitch!?

4th Match: Farooq vs Chainz

I’m fairly sure that this is the match where the Nation turns on Mr. Damn, and makes The Rock their leader.

Farooq’s winning the match, and THE ROCK, who was fucking awesome in 1998, comes down to the ring with a chair. Most obvious turn ever coming in about two or three minutes…

Rock gets more heat than either Farooq or Chainz, with huge Rocky Sucks chants going on. It was actually pretty cool how about mid 98 the crowd just kind of changed Rock to a face by cheering for him, and booing Foley and Shamrock in that cage, triple threat match.

Its 1998! Jim Ross making references to Bill/Hilary.

Rock comes in and hits Farooq with a chair, and the Nation comes down. The Rock pretends that he hit Farooq on accident which is absolutely hilarious. They show a replay that totally shows that Rock hit him on purpose, and just the fact that Rock’s acting like it was a mistake is hilarious. WHY DID YOU BECOME A HUGE DOUCHE IN LATE 1999 ROCK!!!??? WHY??? YOU WERE THE BEST!!!

5th Match: Barry Whindam vs JBL

Bradshaw and Simmons really were lucky to get together when they did, because if they hadn’t they most likely would just stuck around in the WWF midcard division and not really have gotten over by themselves. Watching them try to have singles careers makes me long for the days of the APA…

Bradshaw’s pretty crazy here, as he is just all over Whindam with some stiff punches and kicks. He just NAILS Whindam with this stiff punch that drops Barry! Y’know, JBL, even when he was WWE Champion and having terrible, terrible main event matches… he was always kind of threatening just because how big and stiff he was. He really should’ve tried to get in shape around 2004 though… I mean goddamn, he was flabby…

Barry gets distracted by The Rock n Roll Express who were watching the match from the crowd, and Bradshaw gets the rollup victory. Bart and Holly come out, and they triple team Bradshaw. The Rock N Roll Express come to save Bradshaw, but only after the heels have already left the ring. Jesus… what retards.

We have a SPECIAL PRESENTATION of Sunny and Sable getting almost nude for the WWF Magazine.

I wonder if Shawn chewed his gum the entire time he worked out… That’d be so douchey… and yet so Shawn.

Sable and Mero come out, Sable’s wearing this really nice dress and Marc is wearing some really badass 80s rugged workingman shit. AND HOLY SHIT, VINCE RUSSO IS THERE!!!!! VINCE RUSSO IS IN THE RING!!!! Sunny couldn’t be on Raw because she was feeling under the weather.. probably coming down from heroin. Lolz, Hyatte totally thought he was going to fuck Sunny…

Sable goes to accept her thingy for the magainze or whatever, and Luna comes out and attacks her. Russo checks out DAT ASS the whole time. Dude, what if Russo fucked Sable and Sunny? That’d be some badass shit!

Marc Mero looks A LOT like a younger Randy Savage…

And the main event of Steve Austin vs The Rock is NEXT!!!

Luna is so unhot, she reminds me of that bitch from the Power Rangers.

Main Event: Steve Austin vs The Rock (the most 90s Raw main event of all time)

It’s so weird that The Rock didn’t even have his own theme song back then, I mean it’s the ROCK and he has to go out to the shitty NOD song? Y’know, the main problem with the Austin/Rock feud for me was that, at least in the 90s, The Rock never seemed on the same level as Austin. Austin was a badass redneck who will kill you, and The Rock was a cheesy Samoan guy, who looked like a movie star. The Rock reminds me of one of those guys in Hollywood who people hire to kill people for them, or get rid of dead bodies or whatever… but I just don’t see him at the same toughness level that Austin’s at. Their feud in later 98 didn’t really help matters, as Austin just ran over The Rock for like six months straight.

The Rock runs into a Lou Thez, and Austin hits the elbow! Austin goes for the Stunner, but he’s not getting it that early. Austin doesn’t feel like waiting for the Rock, so he decides to go beat up Mark Henry. HE’S BEATING UP MARK HENRY BECAUSE HE’S BORED!!! WHAT A BADASS!!!!

Rock begs off inside the ring, so Austin stomps a mudhole in him. Rock gets back out of the ring as he’s tired of getting his ass kicked. The NOD distract Austin long enough for The Rock to hit Austin from behind to get the advantage. Press slam into the rail by The Rock, and some punches. In a nice callback to like, five minutes ago, The Rock brings Austin into the same corner and stomps him out. Henry chokes out Austin and we cut to commercial…

We cut back and Austin has the sleeper on but Rock slams Austin into the corner. People’s Elbow babyyyyy, and a two count as that wasn’t really a finisher back then (and never really should have been). The Rock sets up for a second People’s Elbow, and flips Austin off. Rock misses this one, but he gets right back on Austin with punches in the corner. Austin kinda Hulks Up, and comes back with punches and clotheslines. And Austin hits the Stunner for the three count.

Really good match here, might be my favorite one they’ve had actually. Made Rock look really good, but just not at the same level as Austin… yet anyway.

DX comes out, and Shawn says he’s going to ko Austin with the Sweet Chin Music AGAIN!!!! Shawn walks down to the ring, but Trips and Chyna stop Shawn from going in there. And that’s the end of the show.

Pretty decent show leading up to Wrestlemania, and that main event is probably the best main event I’ve seen on Raw ’98 since I started watching them. The only real problem is things were a bit generic… for the weeks before this Raw had been pretty unpredictable and here everything just kind of fell into place a bit too neatly for me. But that’s a minor complaint, and that’s because I’m comparing it to the really, really good Raw’s that came before this. I honestly think that Wrestlemania 14 had the best build up to any Wrestlemania EVER! It was pretty lame that you never got a bit of a teaser with Shawn/Austin though due to Shawn’s injury, but they did the best they could considering the circumstances.
Now considering I’m almost completely burnt out from writing this, LET’S DO NITRO BABYYYY!!!!

Nitro 3/23/98

I usually end up watching more WCW/Nitro than I do old Raw’s because Nitro was an hour longer, and WCW would put out better PPV’s then Raw at the time, so from time to time I will end up getting extremely burnt out on Nitro.

Oh, and just to stick the knife in they start off the show Piper. Jesus Christ… I already wish I was watching Raw….

For some reason Piper is wearing a shirt with Tazz (the Looney Toons dude) wearing a kilt. Piper says he’s here as a consultant as things are getting out of hand. Piper says no bats until April something, and that they’re going to do a bat on rope match or whatever, and Big Show’s going to be his partner. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PIPER!!!???? Piper’s going to teach Big Show how to get “nasty,” and how to, “smash Nash.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA God, if I’m going to sit through more Piper I’m going to need a Pepsi-Cola… and maybe some more Zoloft…

Piper sets up a match between him and Savage, which is sure to suck. What a bad way to start Nitro, Jesus….

The Nitro theme song is so damn cheesy compared to the Raw one. Tony reminds me I have to slug through three hours of this….

Raw set up its show by having Austin vs Rock for later in the night. Nitro set up Piper vs Savage for later in the night. Isn’t that entirely revealing as to the two companies mindsets at the time?

Oh shit, tonight we’re getting Sting, the WCW Champion, vs DDP the US Champion for the WCW Championship. That will be pretty sweet actually, I don’t understand why that can’t just be the main event…. AND CHRIS JERICHO’S HERE TONIGHT BABY!!!!

DDP is on MTV Live talking to some douchey Kurt Cobain wannabe retards. Raven gets jelly that Page got invited to Page and not him, so Raven hits Page with a sign, and DDT’s him through the table! Sweet! He should’ve beaten the shit out of those snarmy kids too,

BTW the best thing about Nitro on these shows has been Eddie Gurrerro and Chris Jericho as a tag team. They’re comedy gold dammit! Only problem is they never get to win any damn matches…

1st Match: Chavo Guerrero w/ Eddie vs Ultimo Dragon

Well, this should be pretty good.

I was busy admiring pictures of myself, and missed the match. Ooops.

Hulk Hogan and Eric Bischoff come out, and I swear to God, Eric is literally gay for Hulk Hogan. LOOK AT THOSE ARMS, HE’S SO WELL BUILT!!! DON’T YOU WISH YOU COULD BE LIKE HULK HOGAN!!!??? I’m pretty sure that Eric would let Hogan fuck his wife at this point… Eric’s just like a little boy trying to hang out with the big boys, and is always trying to prove how cool he is to them.

God, Hogan got so much air time on these Nitro’s… last Nitro I saw I think he had like three promos, AND was in the main event! Hogan accepts the Bat match, and then brags about how hard he can hit with a bat. The crowds tired of his shit, and chants Hogan sucks. Hogan actually says a pretty funny line, “So what if Piper turns some of you freaks on when he pulls his legs out of his skirt?” Dude, if you think about it, 1998 Nitro is basically just Eric Bischoff blowing Hulk Hogan for two hours.

Y ‘know, just watching these 1998 shows makes me wonder, how in the fuck did the WWF fuck up the Invasion so badly? You’re telling me that they couldn’t do a good NOW/Austin fued, or have Goldberg feud with Undertaker in 2001? Eventually they got those guys, but it was so late after the fact that the air was out of the balloon, and it just didn’t have the same effect it could’ve had if they’d done it right after WCW was bought out. And if it had somehow happened in 98 IT WOULD’VE BEEN MONEY!!!

2nd Match: Scott Steiner vs…

I don’t give a fuck, I’m not watching a Scott Steiner match. I’m not doing it.

Reading an old Eric S column and saw this.

Trip over Jeff Hardy, World Title Match (Submission, sleeper): Oh, dear God…you want a capsule version of what’s wrong with the WWE? How about Jeff Hardy, World Title Contender? I guess that being so used to blowing things, a few spots here and there is nothing for Jeff.

FUCK JEFF HARDY!!!! SPRINKLE BOY FAGGOT!!!

3rd Match: DDP vs Sting © for the WCW World Heavyweight Championship

Are you kidding me? They’re having this match forty minutes into the show? Is the NWO’s ego so big that every show has to end with them, and start with them? I mean, of course, but still, that’s fucking ridiculous…

Nick and I made this assumption while watching 90s wrestling on acid (we do it a lot, pretty fun), DDP’s whole character is a guy who never got over High School. He’s kind of a jock asshole, he tries to dress cool, HE’S DATING A CHEERLEADER, and he’s trying to be cool by listening to Nirvana even though Cobain had died four years before Page got big.

Lock up, and Sting takes control with an arm wringer. One of the things that I like about Nitro is that it’s a lot more wrestling orientated than Raw, they actually have WRESTLING and not just punching and random moves for a little bit until someone runs down the ramp…

Sting tries getting the Deathlock early on but Page reaches the ropes. I believe this match is on the best of Nitro Vol 2. DVD (which is awesome, btw). Page gets a neckbreaker for two, and goes for the Cutter out of nowhere but Sting throws him off. The finisher teasings pretty cute and everything, but in this day and age it’s just such a cliché’ move… and it really doesn’t add anything to the match. Page takes over with a piledriver into a headlock. Sting tries to comeback, but Page cuts him off and does the ten punch in the corner, but Sting reverses by dropping Page into the corner!

Sting with a chinlock… and this is something that I don’t like about face vs face matches. Because no one wants to ruin their face rep they both end up doing very similar things, I mean Page literally just did this exact same move. I also think that they’re not used to doing face vs face matches around here so there’s going to be more sleeper spots so they can figure out what to do.

Sting tries to hit Page with some elbows and Page plants him with a German in a pretty cool spot, for a two count. They trade punches… I do have to say, this match was pretty ahead of its time in certain aspects. This is pretty much the same format that WWE has with their face vs face matches now. Sting wins the punch out, and hits three bulldogs. Sting goes up to the top and goes for a frogsplash, but Page puts his knees up. I’m so used to Randy hitting the Cutter out of nowhere that I was expecting Page to just jump up and hit him with it… but Page isn’t really as atheletic as Orton. Page goes for the Cutter, but Sting holds onto the ropes and hits the Deathdrop for the win!

Pretty good match, and pretty ahead of its time but I’m not sure if it really holds up as we get matches like this all the time. I’m sure this was cutting edge stuff in the 90s, but by today’s standards it’s just a little bit above average. Their ’99 match on Nitro was a bit better than this one.

Oh, and that match will be WAYYY better than Piper/Savage is going to be, and definitely should’ve been the main event. These lame assholes throw a party, and it’s literally all guys. What retards…

Lex Luger squash is next, if you think I’m going to review a Lex Luger squash from 1998 you can eat me.

AGGGGHHH I got sucked into PW Torch Newsletter AND I ALMOST MISSED CHRIS JERICHO!!!!

Lenny Lane is bitching that Jericho didn’t pay him for helping him attack Dean Malenko. Jericho goes off on Lane, for stealing his gear and his Loverboy Cassette. That rat bastard, Lane! How is he supposed to listen to Working for the Weekend?

Jericho makes pretty short work of Lane hitting him with Liontamer about two minutes in for the win! HE DIDN’T EVEN TAKE HIS SHIRT OFF!!!! YOU NEVER STEAL A MAN’S LOVERBOY CASSETTE!!!!

There’s a Road Wild commercial were they compare Goldberg to a cow. Sounds about right…

Rogaine, you can get 45% more hair. Well if you have zero percent hair, 45 X 0 is still zero, you fucking retards. Yo, Paul Newman’s the shit. This guys just trying to chill and read an ESPN magazine when Hunter S Thompson runs in his house, high on coke and yelling about bats, and Nixon. DAMMIT HUNTER, CLINTON’S IN OFFICE!!! “FUCK CLINTON, THAT RAT BASTARD BOMBED A BUNCH OF KIDS AND FUCKED A SECRETARY!!!!”” BUT HUNTER, DIDN’T YOU CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE??? “NEVERMIND THAT, WE NEED TO CHECK INTO A HOTEL!!!”

Kevin Nash and THE HULKSTER vs Big Show

HULK HOGAN’S GONNA SLAM THE GIANT JUST LIKE HE SLAMMED HIS DADDY!!!!

Hogan, like a complete retard, tries to shoulderblock Big Show. Show outpowers Hogan and powerslams him. I have to admit that it’s pretty interesting to see Hogan vs a big guy, when Hogan’s the heel. It’s a completely different version of the match than I’m used to seeing from Hogan vs a big guy.

It’s pretty crazy to see Big Show dwarf Hulk Hogan. In comparison the Referee looks so tiny… Hogan tries to NWO up, but Show stops him with a backbreaker. Hogan gets tired of getting his ass kicked and tags in Big Sexy. Lock up, and Hogan distracts Show, and Nash takes advantage with some head shots. Show reverses a whip and clotheslines Nash in the corner. Show works over Nash in the corner, but Hogan comes in, and Hogan and Nash double team Show with a bunch of punches in the corner.

Show gets tired of getting punched, and throws both guys! Big Show goes for a chokeslam, when Lodi, or Horace Hogan, or whoever the fuck runs in there. Then Eric Bischoff comes in there, and Show plant him with a pretty sick chokeslam. The NWO get the hell out of there.

That was actually pretty cool, as it made Show look crazy unbeatable as he pretty much had the main players from the NWO.

Anti-smoking ad, fuck that. Smoke up kids, it might kill you early but is life really worth living if you can’t enjoy it? For me to go deeper into it, I enjoy smoking. You don’t get that certain feeling from anything else, and I know it’s bad… but I don’t care. The enjoyment, for me, is worth the risk.

Chris Benwhyyyyy vs Booker T

This is going to be fucking awesome.

Benoit had that awesome 90s mullet going on at this time. I kinda wish he kept that hair throughout his career… Booker with a headlock, and a shoulderblock. Benoit decides to go crazy, serial killer maniac on Booker T, and chops the holy fuck out of him, and kicks the shit out of him. Y’know, in all honesty, for some reason the fact that Benoit ended up being actually insane, and killing his family… for me, as bad as a thing as it is to admit… it adds to his character. I’m not disgusted or feel uncomfortable watching a Benoit match, in fact him being insane just makes him cooler in a very, very dark way. He was a legitimate badass, insane mofo.

It might just be being desensitized to stuff like that, as I have a fascination with horror movies, and guys like Freddles “The Cat” Kruger, Jason Virgin-hees, and Michael Mo-Money Myers. The dark side of people just interest me… And it’s weird because I have a kind of double standard, I make fun of Steve Austin for beating his wife a lot. But I feel almost like… Austin’s just there mentally, while Benoit isn’t. Also, I think it’s also because after Austin threw a fit, and beat his wife… when he came back he just wasn’t entertaining to me. While Benoit has always entertained me… and the sick, horrible thing that he did just adds to his character… as sick as that is…

Back to the match, Benoit hits some sick German’s, and both guys are wiped out. Benoit picks Booker up, but runs into a spinebuster, called a sidewalk slam by Schivaone. Goddamn it Schivaone…

Booker goes for the big kick but ends up getting crotched on the ropes. Benoit hits a sick Fisherman for a two count…. And they brawl it out for a while, and the bell rings as I guess the time has run out. LAMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE and the crowds pretty pissed as they were getting INTO that match. Sorry Benoit and Booker, we can’t have too many good matches that the crowds into, WE HAVE TO HAVE MORE NWO AND GOLDBERG!!!

The Burger King 90s commercials were the shit. Oh get this, Nitro is going to be in Florida at April 7th. My birthday is April 7th, I live in Florida. I’M IMPORTANT, BABYYYYY!!!!!

Mr. Hennig vs British Bulldog

I just want to say that having Hennig in the NWO… GODDAMIT IT, IF WORD CHANGES NWO TO NOW ONE MORE TIME, HOLY FUCK THEY DID IT AGAIN!!!!! FUCK YOU WORD!!!!

Anyway, Hennig shouldn’t have joined n w o because it just didn’t fit his character. Having him and the classic guys going against the n w o would’ve been money. I understand that Hennig works best as a heel, but as Jericho’s shown us, you can be a heel without being in the n wo.

Rude and Hennan flirt on commentary. Rick Rude is the shit, and he also smokes which makes him cool af. Kinda lame that he’s dead now… actually everyone here is dead. Bulldog, Hennig, Rude… Jeez.

YOU CAN GET A MOTORCYCLE AND DIRECT TV!!??? WHERE DO I SIGN UP??? There’s a pretty weird commercial about people that have to move around in wheelchairs. My Grandma Faye had a condition where she had to be in a chair her whole life, and its uh, it’s pretty horrible. Such a nice lady though, and she had so many kitties…

Back from commercial, and Bulldog goes after Rude, but Rude handcuffs Bulldog. I’m just saying, Rick Rude was the best manager ever. If you had Rude as your manager it was almost impossible to lose a match. Rude was all over the place, and basically made whatever match you were in, a handicapped match. Bret, The Pinkman comes out, and beats the shit out of Hennig. Bret puts Hennig in the Sharpshooter… great, its 1993 all over again. The n wo midcarders come out, and Hart takes them all out with punches. More importantly than all of this, I’m starving to death…

Bret Hart gets on the mic and literally starts bitching about how he got screwed. Bret is such a fucking mark for himself… its almost unbelievable.

Nitro has been promoting a Goldberg match all night, so they put him IN A FUCKING JOBBER MATCH!!! How were people not sick of this? Like who’s going to be like, “Aye, let’s go watch Goldberg wrestle for two minutes, and kill some nobodies?” I’m sure that Goldberg was interesting from a TV point of view, but I’m not sure if he was really putting hot, thick asses in dick shaped seats…

The Fake Main Event: Randy Savage w/ Elizabeth in hot assed leather pants vs Piper

Lizzyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy……. BABYYYYYYY

I really want to know if Savage did acid. My friend Nick wants to bet money on it, but I’m not so sure that he’s done it before… Coke’s a definite yes but acid’s a whole ‘nother ball park. I don’t think most people even do acid…

Savage with body shots to Piper, but Piper comes back with an eye rake and punches. I’m watching Randy Savage vs Roddy Piper in the main event… WHAT THIS, THE 80S!!!??

Actually, if this match had happened in the 80s it might’ve been pretty sweet… The boyz take it to the outside, and Piper throws Savage through the guardrail. Piper gets rid of the mat, and is about to piledrive Savage on it, when Lizzy, that hot lil girllll… claws Piper. So Piper rape kisses her, and Savage isn’t too happy about it. Savage brings Roddy back in and goes for a scoop slam, but Piper reverses into a sleeper. Randy backs Piper back up and they take Lizzy of the apron. The Ref goes to give Lizzy some mouth to mouth, AND THE N WO is out here. This is such a surreal scene if you compare it with the feud between Savage and Hogan in the early 90s when the Megapowers broke up. Anyway, Sting comes in there, but Savage takes out Sting, and Nash and Hogan beat up Piper.

BUT WAIT!!! Holy shit, BIG SHOW’S HERE!!!! Thank God he’s here to save the day! He takes out the NOW, and WCW stare down NW O. The N WO walk down the ramp with their tails beneath their legs… and Lizzy continues to look super hot in her leather pants.

I have to say it’s kind of nice for Nitro to end on a good note, and a slower paced one then the usual clusterfuck they have at the end of the show.

Pretty decent Nitro, with the usual bad stuff in there that plagues every Nitro. Pushing people that the crowd doesn’t care about and that I can’t tolerate… however most of the stuff I didn’t like I just ignored completely. The DDP/Sting match was really good for its time, but doesn’t necessarily hold up today. There wasn’t anything on the show that was that great (besides Jericho being pissed about his Loveryboy Cassette being stolen) but it’s still nice to see WCW actually get the advantage over the NWO I know a lot of people complain about the N WO, and in all honesty, I disagree with a lot of their criticisms, as I do like most of what they did, and I also love Nash and Hall. However, ending just about every Nitro with the N WO attacking, and standing tall over WCW gets real old, real quick. So for that show to end with WCW standing tall, it was a nice change of pace… even if it’s just a short reprieve as Hogan is going to win the title back in like, two months.

As for which show was better, Raw definitely. Well, if you liked these and want to see more I’ll keep sending ‘em in. If you think I suck I just want you to know that I luv you with all my heart. Have a good week everyone, and try to stay safe… and get laid. I’m 18… I NEED to get laid at this point…

Tags: