Wrestling Opinions From A Sleazy Guy 04.08.15

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Wrestling Opinions From A Sleazy Guy
By Sebastian Howard

A combination of me sleeping ‘till 6:30 pm, trying to figure out the effects of LSD on neurotransmitters in the brain, and not being able to find the remote, lead to me being a bit late for Raw. So instead of my life or news I’m just going to jump straight into Raw this week.

1st Match: Randy Orton vs Kane

I remember seeing this match live at Wrestlemania 28 and the crowd was bored out of their minds. The combination of this match and the opening of Daniel Bryan getting squashed by Sheamus didn’t exactly put the crowd in good spirits… Anywho, Orton kicks the shit out of Kane the entire match, but Kane’s Kane so he hits Randy with a chair. Randy tries to hit an RKO but Kane pushes Randy off and runs out of the ring. Seeing Kane as a scared heel and Randy Orton as a badass face is just… weird.

Randy won this match so he’s going to get into the triple threat match against whoever wins their matches later tonight. I like that they’re having a number one contender tournament instead of just giving it to whoever, but at the same time… we all know that Ryback or Luke Harper aren’t going to win anything. There is a decent amount of suspense over weather Reigns or Orton’s going to win though. I can’t imagine they’d have Rollins drop the title so early, and they don’t want Reigns to look weak, so I’m guessing Orton’s going to win and have to do the JOB at Extreme Rules.

I, Amanda Greene, am a giant pussy and can’t handle cigarettes without complaining about it.

2nd Match: Seth Rollins vs Neville in a IWC Creams themselves match

So Raw is turning into NXT now right?

Neville has to be the worst name for a wrestler ever. All I can think about when I hear that name is that fat kid from Harry Potter… and anything, even slightly related to JK Rowling is evil…

Neville with some ARM DRAGS to start off. Rollins is like, fuck this technical shit, son, and punches and chops Neville in the corner. Neville does his flippy shit and… goddamn, he just is all over the place as he ranas Rollins and in one solid movement does a suicidia to the outside, and then goes back into the ring before I can even really comprehend what happened. Very, very cool. I’ve seen people be that fast outside of WWE, but NEVER in WWE… that was insanely quick.

This whole scenario reminds me of Scott Keith’s idea for what he wanted to happen after Daniel Bryan won the WWE Championship at Wrestlemania 30. He basically said he wanted more of the NXT guys to get showcased on Raw, so you would have stuff like Sami Zayn vs Daniel Bryan for the WWE Championship on the main event of Raw. It was an interesting concept, and is pretty similar to what’s happening right now… though I doubt that we’re going to have an NXT Invasion thing going on.

Back to Raw, and Rollins has gained advantage over Neville, and is choking him out. The crowd gets behind Neville as he tries to make a comeback but Rollins cuts him off with a hard irish whip. And then he goes into the move THAT EVERY BABYFACE COMEBACKS FROM, the chinlock. Neville makes a comeback, but eats that back kick, enzguri thing Rollins does, for two.

Neville tries to make multiple comebacks but Rollins keeps on cutting him off and slapping him in the face. Rollins gets a lil too cocky, and goes for his powerbomb into the corner, but Neville reverses into a rana, and goes up top for flippy dippy, but Rollins moves out of the way. Neville gets a roll up for two, and goes for another rana but Rollins reverses it into the powerbomb into the corner, and hits the stomp for the win! Pretty great match, that made Neville look extremely good but not at the WWE Champions level. I can’t imagine anyone complaining about this match… Rollins stomps Neville out again because he can dammit!

Yeahhh, I’m sure the Marine 4 is going to do great…

An extremely fucked up Pop Tarts commercial… the Pop Tarts have a baby, and then some nurse comes and is ABOUT TO EAT THE GODDAMN BABY IN FRONT OF THE PARENTS!!!!

John Cena comes out for his US Open Challenge match, and ACTUALLY GETS CHEERED BY THE CROWD!!! Holy shit… people still cheer Cena? Anywho, I want to mention the Dean Ambrose/Cena match from last week that everyone blew, people…. THAT IS LITERALLY EVERY JOHN CENA MATCH AGAINST A FACE EVER!!!!! What the hell is wrong with you people? Stardust comes out… just typing Cena vs Cody Rhodes for the US Title is weird…

3rd Match: Cena © vs Cody Rhodes for the US Title (What???)

Looking at the size difference between Cody Rhodes and John Cena is completely ridiculous… Cena is like ten times buffer Rhodes is…

Cena with some Dusty elbows to Cody… Meanwhile on the tweet machine a person named AJPunkismylife commented. How did they allow that name on TV? They’re ALWAYS trying to avoid mentioning Punk (unless it’s in Chicago) and then they put a person with that fucking name on TV, on their twitter feed? Retards… I swear.

Cody Rhodes gets his ass kicked for five minutes and then we cut to commercial.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x1227i4_action-zone-94-shawn-michaels-diesel-vs-1-2-3-kid-razor-ramon-10-30_sport Here’s one of the best matches THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT!!! This match deserves way more love than it gets… it’s at least a 4.5 star match.

Raw’s back from commercial, and Cody comes off the ropes with a nice kick off the apron for two. Yeah Cody… I’m sorry but I’m pretty sure they’re not putting you over Cena. Cena goes for the FU but Rhodes lands on his feet, and hits the Alabama Slam for two. Cody… you’re definitely not going to beat Cena with Hardcore fucking Holly’s finisher! Lil’ Naitch is still the most handsome referee…

Cean hulks up and goes the Shuffle but Rhodes jumps up and hits a DDT for two. Cody doesn’t let up as he goes up for a moonsault and gets two off it. Cody goes for… something, but eats an STF… and somehow gets out of it and hits his finish for two. Cody goes for it again, but Cena dodges it and comes off the apron with the springboard stunner into the FU for the win.

Decent match… but its literally EVERY FUCKING JOHN CENA MATCH!!! The other guy does everything he can to win, but Cena is Cena so he comes back…. The other guys cuts off Cena’s comeback, and then Cena hits either the STF or FU out of nowhere to win. I can see why people like Cena as the US Champion, but he’s not a top worker, and his matches are complete formula, and the story is, “Other guy gets to look good, but its John Cena so he wins.”

Meanwhile, the Bella’s look extremely hot. Oh, and if you needed another reason to hate Cena he’s fucking Nikki…. Probably did it before his match… in a lucha mask.

4th Match: The Bellas vs Paige and Not AJ Lee

They’re replacing Lee with Naomi? What??? What the fuck do Paige and Naomi have in common? It would be like one of those bad black guy meets white guy movies (Get Hard). Naomi’s into disco, and Paige is into metal!!! HOW ARE THEY GOING TO GET ALONG???

Nikki Bella IS SO FUCKING HOT!!!! That thick body and everything… goddamn. Bri’s pretty hot but she’s just so damn skinny. Anyway… Bri is controlling Paige with an exciting CHINLOCK and Nikki comes in. Nikki goes to a body scissors which Paige reverses into a pin for a one count, but Nikki shoots out of it. They kind of fuck up the hot tag sequence as Paige gets the tag to Naomi but it looked extremely awkward, and the crowd was completely dead for it. Paige comes in and TAKES OUT Bri with a super kick ,and then takes Nikki to the outside. Naomi covers Nikki for the win. I mean… it was OK for a diva’s match.

Paige has blue streaks in her hair for no reason… I don’t know… Paige reminds me of this chick Anna Jediny that I wanted SO BADLY and I am never, ever going to be able to fuck her… like ever. I swear to God when I get a girlfriend I am going to be so overly violently kinky…

I know you guys want to hear more about Raw, so the Prime Time Players are randomly back, and dress up as the LOD or something.

The Miz vs Mizdow is happening tonight… aye guys, y’know Sandow was over before the Mizdow gimmick right? Just checking…

5th Match: Ryback vs Luke Harper in an instant five star classic

Just read this off Hyatte’s twitter. AJ LEE pops out the kid and its BLACK! Mark Henry saddles into the delivery room and yells to Punk. “Y’ALL GOT PUNKED, NI@%A” #RAWAUSTIN

Y’know Widro isn’t sure if that’s the real Hyatte… I’m am a 100% convinced that it is.

Ryback’s blue onesie looks so damn stupid. Harper channels Abyss and hits Ryback with a black hole slam for two. Harper puts Ryback in a headlock and Ryback actually powers out in a pretty cool spot and plants Harper with the Shell Shock for the win. It’s always weird how they’ll just randomly decide to push Ryback really, really hard, and then decide that he sucks and put in midcard feuds with Axl… and then push him really hard again.

Renee is SO HOT and she doesn’t even have to dress slutty! I kinda wish she would though… New Day might turn heel… or something. They seem like they’re going insane and the only thing that’s keeping their sanity is clapping. What in the hell?

I… I think I’m going to go watch porn BECAUSE THIS RAW IS GETTING BORING AS FUCK!!!!

Forced lesbian porn is God’s gift to man.

And I turn on the TV AND FUCKING SHEAMUS VS MARK HENRY IS ON!!!??? Is this show trying to keep me away, I mean fuck…

Miz vs Sandow happened, but I refuse to care about anything involving the Miz so I read a game review for Smackdown vs Raw 2007 (why doesn’t Mark B have a review of 08 up?) and now its main event time.

Main Event: Roman Reigns vs Randy Orton vs Ryback That main event that starts at 10:57 and is either going to be really short, or go twenty minutes over WWE’s set time

The Authority come out to stare at Roman Reigns. Ryback gets ready for the shell shock but Orton cuts him off with a clothesline and a powerslam. Orton is getting pretty over as a badass face, and honestly I’ve always thought Orton is a much better face than the “cool” heel. He just doesn’t really have good motivations for anything when he’s a heel, he just kind of does shit.

Anyway, Reigns hits Orton with a Superman Punch, but eats a spinebuster from Ryback. Ryback plants Reigns with a clothesline… Orton goes for an RKO but Ryback reverses into the Shellshock, but before he can hit it Reigns hits a spear. BUT OH NO THE AUTHORITHY’S WALKING DOWN TO THE RING!!!!

And then holy fuck, ROMAN DOES A SUICIDA ONTO THE HEELS!!! Pretty cool spot. Big Show picks up Reigns and hits him with the ko punch. Orton pulls Rollins in the ring, and goes to DDT him, but JJ attack him. Ryback saves him, so Orton repays him with an RKO for the win. Orton vs Rollins should be pretty sweet, but I’m hoping that they allow Rollins to actually beat Orton cleanly…. Rollins knocks out Orton with a stomp and we’re outta here.

See how much better Raw can be when John Cena isn’t main eventing, and you actually, y’know, push new people? Pretty good follow up to the post Raw mania, though it does feel a bit unimportant compared to Brock FUCKING LESNAR!!! Still though, the three hours of Raw is draining me just as much as the old three hour Nitro’s… and Raw doesn’t have the crusierweights to fuck around with either…

 

Anyway its my birthday tomorrow, and I plan on getting extremely, and completely drunk. So have fun ’till next week when I’ll come back into your life and ruin all those good feelings…

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