Wrestling Opinions From a Sleazy Guy 04.22.15

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Wrestling Opinions From a Sleazy Guy 4.20.15

By Sebastian Howard

 

Well, its National Pot Day, and yesterday was Bicycle Day (or “National Acid Day,”) so I’ve been getting a bit fucked up in the last forty eight hours. Went over to Nick’s yesterday, dropped Acid, and then we watched Wrestlemania 19. And I swear to God, on the Booker T/Trips match, the funniest shit happened… I’ve done a bit of research on the whole Booker/Trip match before I’d even seen it, just because I was curious to why they didn’t put Booker over. Through some shady sources I heard that the original plan WAS for Trips to drop the title (that’s why the build-up was so ridiculous… with Trips calling Booker a street dog, and Booker talking about how he NEEDED to win the title) but Trips vetoed it at the last second because Goldberg had signed, and Trips… or Vince, possibly, felt that Goldberg winning the championship from Trips would’ve been a bigger deal than winning it from Book.

 

Anyway, what’s so funny about this is, if you watch Booker’s entrance at WM 19 you can tell that he’s SO PISSED!!! Usually he’s jumping around, acting all excited, but during that entrance he’s just running on default, and looks horribly depressed. Then there’s Trips… in his suit and glasses, with his preppy feathered hair, and his douchy smile saying, “Yeah Booker, you’re not getting over… you’re doing the job. Try again next year kid.” Fucking Hunter… I swear.

 

BTW, on the booking of that match its understandable why they would want Goldberg to beat Trips for the title, it would be a bigger deal, but in hindsight it was NOT a good idea. Goldberg ended up having the title for what, two months and then losing it back to Trips? I think the best idea would have been to either let Booker win, or just keep Trips as champ so Benoit would’ve gotten a bigger rub (though in hindsight of that hindsight, they probably should have given the title to someone that WASN’T Benoit…).

 

Back to me, some other shit happened and me and my bud Nick got pulled over by cops for biking around late at night. Fucking dick head cops… yeah, if I stole something I’M GOING TO BE BIKING AROUND IN THE FUCKING STREET LIGHTS IN THE ROAD YOU FUCKING COCKSUCKERS!!!! Having to deal with police while tripping ass was not a fun deal…. Though I could not stop looking at the Police Car lights, they were quite entrancing.

 

And that’s about it really, smoked a lil weed today and have a decent high going into this so let’s get this party started…

Wrestling News that everyone’s talked about already!!!!!

 

So they’re starting Tough Enough again…. Jesus Christ. Yes you, YOU can win Tough Enough and if you’re really skilled, have a good grasp on technical ring psychology, understand how to connect with the fans, and have good mic skills YOU could job to Triple H at Wrestlemania (if you’re lucky)!!!!

 

They’re going to start playing old episodes of the 80s Animated Cartoon, Hogan’s Rock N Wrestling. I’ve only seen one episode of the show, and really don’t have any way to critically gauge it… however, I do have fond memories of it because it was one of the things I watched the first time I got high! Breakfast Club was a lot better in that state though…

 

Furious 7 is doing great in the box office and is getting great critical reviews…. And Flex is a part of it so I guess the Torch considers this news. Well FUCK Fast and Furious, fuck Vin Disel trying to act hard around a bunch of other buff guys that are just as tough as him, and fuck THOSE AWFUL, TRASHY OVERRATED MOVIES!!!! AND FUCK FLEX TOO!!!!

 

 

Random Media I’ve Consumed over The Week

I was watching the trippiest, most 80s episode of Doctor Who ever, “Kinda.” The Doctor’s Companion (I’m not familiar with the 5th Doctor’s Companions yet), the chick one, falls asleep by these weird sounding… almost instrumental crystals. And she goes into this very creepy, very weird dream world where everything’s in black and white, and everyone’s insane. There was a main plot too, involving some shit about a snake going into people’s bodies, but the rest of the story couldn’t even come close to equaling the creepy atmosphere of that dream world. Very, very well done atmosphere.

 

I also rewatched the Evil Dead lately, and I honestly forgot how good that movie was. I’m thinking that I got the first and second one’s mixed in my head as the same thing… I just thought the first one was just as comedic but it’s not… at all. It is a straight up, creepy ass horror movie, with people dying, and shit going down so fast that it actually makes sense that the characters are too confused to not do dumb shit (like run off into the forest looking for an escape route… okay that one was still pretty dumb). Also, watching Bruce Campbell as a nerdy, soft spoken preppy dude is pretty funny.

 

 

Thoughts that are RAW!!!!

 

I was busy eating and talking to my Crack-Junkie Prep friend, so here’s what happened. Orton came out, and tried REALLY hard to make it seem like he’s going to win at Extreme Rules, even though it’s obviously not going to happen. Rollins came out, and said he wasn’t paying attention to Orton’s promo because he was, “reading e-mails in the back.” And by e-mails he means nudes… of himself. I do want to mention, I do really like that Rollins took out Orton’s RKO, because its history repeating itself, as Orton banned Shawn’s superkick at Survivor Series 2007. Some other shit happens, and then Brian Pillman comes out..

 

See, Avengers 2 is made by Josh Whendon so I want to see it, but it looks like the exact same fucking plot from the last movie… which is really just some big, badass, selfish force comes into New York, and starts fucking it up… and then there’s the villains 😉

 

1st Match (that no one cares about) Dean Ambrose vs Luke Harper

 

PILLMAN DESERVES BETTER DAMMIT!!! Y’know, Harper is basically an evil version of Hillbilly Jim. Next Ambrose is going to be stuck in a feud with Goldust, and start cross dressing and shit… Or maybe he’ll feud with Stardust, and get to fuck Cody’s wife on camera.

 

Ambrose and Harper take it into the crowd and do really lame, safe 2015 brawling. They end on the ramp, and Ambrose hits Harper with a pretty cool clothesline. And then Harper picks up Ambrose, AND SLAMS HIM ONTO THE… umm, fuck what is it called? The giant Raw screen shit… It looked cool is my point. Harper sees a black man talking to a white woman, and runs backstage.

 

Trips runs into Seth backstage, and Trips asks if he can hold the title. Trips grabs it, and looks at it lovingly…, and then says, “Sorry kid, I think it’s time to get buried.”

 

This goddamn mosquito bite is kicking my ass!

 

Hot damn, that Mad Max movie looks pretty fucking great. “Smoking makes you look cooler, makes your voice deeper, and makes you not a little bitch.”

 

Ugh, I hate being out of goddamn cigarettes… I’ve been out since like 1 or 2 am.

 

2nd Match (that no one cares about) New GAY BLACK MEN!!! vs The Tiny, Slippery Mexicans in a This is What it’s Like to be in Prison Match!

 

No… no, I’m not racist. I’m a fucking Jew… Jesus.

 

Awhhh, God my dick hurts! Too much Pepsi and Zoloft god dammit!

 

Kofi is punching the shit out Cara and Big E gets in. Calisto gets the tag and takes out everyone with a bunch of ranas, and sends E and Kofi to the outside BY HIMSELF!!! They are really pushing Callisto, shit. Calisto and Cara both do moonsaults to the outside in a pretty cool spot, but Xavier Woods holds Cara’s feet so he can’t back in the ring… so New Day win by countout. See, if that was in prison Woods would’ve shanked him… Y’know, The New Day don’t need to start being pussy heels to get over, they need to become bad ass mofo’s, who have resentment toward the crowd.

 

Orton comes out, presumably trying to be Steve Austin, and RKO’s all of New Day. JBL and Booker act really, really scared on commentary that Orton could RKO them… BRO, QUIT BEING SUCH PUSSIES!!!! JBL was the WWE Champion for ALMOST A FUCKING YEAR!!!! Booker T has beaten CHRIS BENOIT!!!! Just because they’re commentators doesn’t mean that they’re not the same people that they used to be, I mean holy fuck.

 

We get to continue our weekly “Who’s going to lose to John Cena?” thing. And some replay from Smackdown or some shit…

 

Roman Reigns and Big Show are going to feud… Jesus Christ, really? Who wants to go to Titan Towers with a couple machine guns, a magnum (Vince and Trips aren’t going to go down easy), and a couple grenades? Nah, I’m too desensitized by WWE to really care enough…. Karla Winston on the other hand… and the whole of Wenatchee definitely needs to be blown up.

 

3rd Match (that no one cares about) Fandango vs Curtis Axel in Welcome to Mid Card Hell Exhibition!

 

Fandango is like, the 2015 version of Rico. And Curtis Axel is like…. I don’t know, Maven? Fandango wins, and JBL yells at Cole for not being able to dance well…. Maybe I WILL go to Titan Towers. This IS A FUCKING AWFUL SHOW!!! This has to be probably the worst live episode since the Raw leading up to Mania. I mean, it’s not really offending my senses or anything, but it’s just incredibly, horribly dull. Kinda like Charlie Reneke, AMIRITE!!???

 

Triple H is coming out, and normally I would pay attention because Trips is fucking awesome, but he’s just going to talk about Tough Enough so it’s not really worth my time…

 

Instead I’m just going to listen to Train. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Xf-Lesrkuc

 

How do you not love that song? So beautiful… I cry every time… and sometimes I don’t stop crying. Sometimes I fall asleep crying while playing that song on loop. Sometimes I fall asleep crying while playing that song on loop while holding a picture of Anna Jediny…

 

Hell, here’s another good one. Lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls looks like my Dad, he has the bangs and everything… and my dad’s 40! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw&feature=player_embedded

 

 

Kane comes out and tells Trips he’s giving him his two week notice. Trips is like, “I fucked your dead girlfriend on live TV, but it’s cool.” Seth comes out, and tells Kane that he jobbed. Kane acts really well here, as he really does seem realistically pissed off and indignant that Rollins has been so unappreciative that the Authority’s done for Rollins. Trips randomly makes Kane The Gatekeeper of the Cage…. And everyone’s going to be making really lame, dated Ghostbusters jokes for the rest of the week. WHY IS TRIPLE H’S MUSIC PLAYING AT THE END OF THE SEGMENT!!!??? ROLLINS IS THE ONE WHO WALKED OUT!!!

 

Reading an old Eric S column and saw this.

 

The finish to the HBK/Kevin Nash/Hurricane vs. Triple H/Ric Flair/Randy Orton match on RAW did not go as planned.

Well, duh.

The match was supposed to end with the Hurricane getting the pinfall victory. However, ref Earl Hebner forgot what the finish was set to be and instead of counting 1-2-3 for the Hurricane’s cover, he made it a two count. Realizing he made an error, he then just called the match off.

 

BWAAHAHAHAHA, Hebner fucked up the finish because he couldn’t believe that Hurricane was supposed to win! I can just imagine him being like, “That can’t be right… I’m not counting that!”

 

Another thing from the same Eric S column, which I find funny because it’s still as true today as it was back in 2003.

 

“Raw may be dull and grey, but it’s a consistent shade of grey.  Nothing is too damn great (with the exception of a few bright promo moments), but nothing sucks too bad.”

 

That is literally Raw today… Jesus Christ.

 

4th Match (that no one cares about) Naomi vs Bri

 

Nikki’s on commentary and she IS SO DAMN HOT!!!! Naomi kicks the shit out of Bri, and sends her to the outside, and we cut to commercial. 12 year olds of all colors take the commercial break to masturbate…. I know I used to when Kelly was on TV. Emmmmmm….

 

You know, most of USA’s TV Shows are TERRIBLE but Robots actually looks pretty cool…. Or at least has a pretty cool commercial going for it.

 

I missed some shit because I was eating the best Pizza ever from Whole Foods. My god, that bacon or chicken or whatever…

 

5th Match: (1st match that’s kind of important) Roman Reigns vs Bo Dallas

 

Goddammit… Dallas is going to get jobbed out here so hard. I love Bo, as he quotes “the best Star Wars movie ever… 1.” What a bastard! Dallas starts quasi-shooting on Reigns, telling him he’s the Tim Tebow of the WWE. Bo Dallas tells Reigns to believe, so Reigns hits him in the face which gets MAJOR heel heat. WWE does not understand their audience… even a little bit. Where’s Bo-bo-boboobobobobo? He’d kick Reign’s ass!

 

They’re making another Ultimate Warrior DVD? Are you fucking kidding me?? How many good matches could Warrior have had?

 

6th Match: Sheamus vs Zack Ryder in a HOLY SHIT ITS 2010 match

 

Sheamus makes Zack Ryder his bitch… which of course makes Kane jelly. Y’know, it’s always nice to see WWE giving the new talent lots of air time… Lots of getting buried, but lots of air time too!

 

Ziggler comes in like eight minutes into Ryder getting his ass kicked, and gives Sheamus a Zig Zag. Sheamus thanks Ziggler for the mint, and leaves.

 

Ahem, the rest of Raw was so awe inspiring that I ended up passing out and missing the rest of the show. So for the rest of it I’m just going to go over the results.

 

Cena beat Kane, which means this was probably the worst US Championship match Cena’s had yet. Also, it’s pretty lazy to just throw Kane out there…. What the fuck does he need with the US Championship?

 

Miz beat Sandow for the right to be The Miz when Summer Rae turned on Sandow. My problem with this whole match is… who the fuck wants to be The Miz in the first place?

 

Bryan might be too injured to do the job to Barret… you know everyone gave WWE a lot of shit for not pulling the trigger on the Bryan/Lesnar feud, but if Bryan was this injured the entire time their booking makes a lot more sense in the long run (would also explain why he was in the Rumble for such a short time). Bryan really needs to chill out and make sure he’s a hundred percent before coming back. I can totally understand his mindset, especially since a lot of the other wrestlers like Cena come back from career shortening injuries all the time. Bryan’s whole mindset is. “If they can do it, so can I.” Which I completely understand, but at the same time Bryan just doesn’t have the same body type as a John Cena or a Triple H, and will get injured easier than them. As much as we’re going to miss him, Bryan really does need to take a break before he injures himself for good.

 

At Extreme Rules there’s going to be a Chicago Street Fight between Ambrose and Harper… WWE really should not be fucking around with this, as its just going to lead to huge CM Punk chants, and the match having no heat.

 

Wyatt continues to call himself The New Face of Fear EVEN THOUGH HE JOBBED TO TAKER AT WRESTLEMANIA!!! God, this is just inane… YOU LOST WYATT, YOU’RE NOT THE NEW TAKER, YOU’RE THE NEXT KANE!!!!

 

Ryback ate Adam Rose… and then started tripping ass, and seeing Lizards and shit.

 

The Authority had a cute moment where everyone apologized, and Kane and Rollins hugged, and made out with Trips looking on approvingly.

 

Dolph Ziggler got jobbed out to Rollins. After the match, Rollins told Kane that he faked every orgasm which pissed Kane off… The cage lowered, and Stone Cold Steve Orton came out and beat the shit out of Rollins to end the show. The commentators didn’t care about any of this, and were waiting for the show to end so they could watch Hulk’s Rock N Wrestling.

 

Final Thoughts: A really, really boring show. Everything here just felt like complete filler, with absolutely nothing of interest. I liked the Kane/Rollins/Trips thing, but it felt like they were trying to force a month’s worth of storyline into one night. Everything else was just so goddamn boring it was almost unbelievable.. I was banking on Rollins/Ziggler to be good but from what I’ve read it sounds like Ziggler just got completely jobbed out. A really, really bad show… I think next week I’m going to do another retro 98 Raw and Nitro because they’re ten times more interesting than this shit…

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