Okay, so I’m going to be totally honest with you guys here. I do not have time to dedicate the same alcohol-augmented care and consideration to this episode of SmackDown as I so often do. I have a PhD interview coming up which, you know, kind of dictates how the next three years of my life go, so I’m focusing like crazy on that.
In light of that, I’m going to do what I never thought I would do (not because I object to it on any grounds whatsoever, but because I’d just never thought about it). I’m going to do a list of random thoughts in a stream-of-consciousness fashion about SmackDown.
Buckle up, kids.
- I’ve just realised that this is the first one of my reviews which is going to assume that everyone reading it has watched SmackDown.
- I’ve made a huge mistake.
- Seth Rollins and Kane seriously need to bang and get it over with.
- I wish Rollins actually was a fighting champion; I hate it when badass faces become cowardly heels.
- I can think of so many reasons why Kane would be jealous of Rollins.
- Not referring to Seth’s dick pics there, by the way.
- Did Kane just use the phrase ‘make a man out of you’?
- They could not be teasing the return of Masked Kane any more right now.
- Pissed Rollins sounds like a rebel kid from an eighties movie.
- I’ve just realised that they sneakily stole Michael Cole from this show. I mean, like, really sneakily. Sneak sneak sneak.
- Reigns needs to pick one T-shirt and just that one. Just like…nobody in real life does. Huh.
- I hate it when badass faces become Roman Reigns circa right this second.
- Reigns just gave a shout-out to Dean Ambrose. The Cenafication has spread to his brain.
- Roman keeps getting more attractive week by week. By the time SummerSlam rolls around, all he’ll have to do is wink at Rollins and pin the man’s swooning body.
- Kane showing up and doing an angry striptease is the kind of thing which could throw any man off his game.
- Teddy Long wouldn’t have let this shit just go ahead.
- That’s our one and only hope getting smacked around by a tubby, balding Libertarian.
- Just discovered that Kane supported Ron Paul’s bid for presidency in 2008. Kane can eat me.
- I’m pretty sure Charles Robinson has remained the same age for the past twenty years.
- Oh, so it’s legal for Kane to slam a guy on a table in a boring match, but a DQ for Sheamus to do it in an exciting match? Fuck you, Creative.
- Looking at Reigns now, it was unreasonable for us to expect him to beat Lesnar.
- Reigns just kicked out of a chokeslam. Man, remember in 2003 when that sort of thing got a big pop?
- Shades of Ziggler in Kane’s selling, there.
- That’s some damn fast ‘screw this I’m outta here’ walking, Kane.
- Reigns looks pissed off that he couldn’t score a meaningless win in a boring match against an old man.
- Seth is genuinely allergic to not saying unkind things.
- J and J are looking more and more like concierges these days.
- Oh my God, for a moment I thought that Damien Sandow was pulling a Mister Kennedy.
- Is it wrong that I miss the hell out of Mister Kennedy?
- KENNEDY.
- Wow, Sandow’s a dick now.
- I swear to God, Axel is the most entertaining jobber in the history of this sport.
- Trying to work out if Sandow would be more attractive without the beard.
- I wish Ryback could feud with Bray in his ‘school bully’ persona.
- I hope we’re all prepared for a lot of poetry recitals from Wyatt this month.
- Well, at least Bray’s actually doing stuff for this feud.
- Bray winning this feud would be a high school neckbeard/emo’s wet dream.
- The New Day makes me want to take a power drill to my temple.
- Or to all three members of the New Day.
- Let it be known that I am supporting abusive husband Tyson Kidd over the New Day.
- Kidd and Tyson’s double-team moves range from ‘awesome’ to ‘intimidatingly homoerotic’.
- Remember when the Ascension was a thing and I was totally on board?
- Cesaro has a total Dad-run going on.
- Awful long time for Cesaro to be cupping Kofi’s junk just there.
- Xavier Woods is throwing almost effective-looking offence, and my suspension of disbelief is dead.
- So, how do I summon the Ascension to take the titles? I’m down for satanic rituals.
- Good God, first the New Day and now Nikki and Cameron are in the same place at the same time. I think Vince is trying to make me kill myself.
- In other news, Rusev’s found another match he wants to lose to John Cena in.
- I swear, these awkward conversational segues into Tough Enough are just glorious.
- God, don’t let that police officer compete: he’d just, you know, fucking shoot people.
- I want a translation of that Russian guy’s tattoos: eighty percent chance that he’s a cannibal.
- I think they’re trying to use Cameron to facilitate a Nikki face-turn. Cameron is literally that annoying.
- Seriously, it’s like Naomi and Creative thought that Nikki and Bella were always faces.
- Add King’s commentary to factors which make this the worst match in the history of ever.
- I’d make a joke about a ‘future WrestleMania main event’, but there aren’t that many Divas and I refuse to tempt fate.
- It’s easy to forget that Nikki’s actually a pretty decent wrestler now, after years of her being a thousand kinds of awful.
- Whatever Prime Time is doing right now, at least they’re not in the New Day.
- I realise that sentence could basically excuse war crimes.
- If this means that Barrett has to use the Queen’s English accent, I am so down for this.
- I wouldn’t ever sneak up on Dean Ambrose, even if backed up by two concierges.
- Seems like Ambrose’s ever-bubbling and furious desire to cripple Seth Rollins has been tempered by time.
- Putting King of the Ring on the Network is a new kind of desperation and I can’t possibly approve.
- It’s hard to think of Neville as a Newcastle native, considering how he never glasses his opponent with a half-empty vodka bottle.
- If I ever use a wrestling move in a real fight, it’s totally going to be the Bull Hammer.
- I’m impressed that they gave Barrett a clean win there. I mean…it just never happens.
- Does this mean Barrett gets to sleep with all of the WWE Universe’s wives after the wedding?
- ‘You sold out’ sign shown during Rollins’ entrance. Let it go, kid; that was ages ago.
- At this point, it’s like an experiment to find out who Rollins can get a clean victory over.
- If Ambrose is so crazy, then where was his dick pic?
- ‘Boring’ chant from the WWE Universe, which doesn’t even get muted because, come on, it’s SmackDown.
- Ambrose is just crazy enough to want to hurt people, but without breaking any of the many rules of professional wrestling.
- Oh Jesus, Kane, you had a long time to find your shirt.
- Anyone ever feel like Kane’s got extremely white and unblemished skin for, you know, a burn victim?
- Wrestling might not be ballet, but Rollins’ tights are appropriate for either purpose.
- Awesome hypothetical feud: Ambrose vs. Lesnar, where Dean is allowed to reach The Shining levels of crazy.
- About three-fifths of Rollins’ offence has resembled noogies.
- Can’t help but attribute Kane’s pissed mood more to Bernie Sanders than Rollins.
- Is there a points system backstage for how many times you can launch Seth at Kane per match?
- Pretty sure that Rollins teleported just then.
- Wow, it is just impossible for Kane to get disqualified.
- Did Seth just beat Ambrose without any finishing moves?
- Rollins’ ability to sort of back away and then fall on his ass is an art form.
- Makes sense that the Authority was surprised by Reigns actually using the entrance ramp.
- It’s cute that Mercury and Noble think that they could be of assistance in this matter.
- Dean Ambrose knows that if he kills Randy Orton it could be a Shield Triple Threat match at Payback.
- Tune in next week for an actual review.
