Wrestling Opinions From a Sleazy Guy 09.25.2015

Wrestling Opinions From a Sleazy Guy 9.22.15
By Sebastian Howard

Been a while since I’ve done on of these… originally I was going to review Summerslam but by the time I got around to it the show was a week old and when I tried writing about it, it really came across as half assed. I also just wasn’t that excited about the show in general, Brock/Taker seemed completely unexciting for me as I really just don’t care about their feud. I still ended up checking out the match… and the show just because it had such a sense of importance attached to it, but it was more something I wanted to watch rather than something I was really looking forward to reviewing. Cena/Rollins was really just a waiting game… I wanted to see if they were going to give Cena the title again and was mostly apprehensive toward the whole thing because throughout the build up it definitely appeared that Cena was going to win the title. The Jon Stewart heel turn was  a pretty well done surprise, but the show just didn’t come across as exciting to me. For this show the main focus is on Seth Rollins and there’s a lot of suspense as to whether or not he’s going to lose his title’s, if Sheamus is going to cash in, and just in general which direction WWE is going to take its company in. I’m going into Night of Champions completely spoiler free so it will all have a feeling of freshness to it.

As for my life, well I failed my fucking probation drug test and have NO fucking idea what that means. My Probation Officer seems to have disappeared from the face of the planet and last time I went to Probation I had to deal with some bitchy, fat black lady. Now, for a drug test in probation they literally MAKE YOU FUCKING STAND IN THE BATHROOM AND PEE INTO A CUP WITH A BIG BLACK GUY BEHIND YOU LOOKING AT YOUR DICK!!!! It is the most awkward, nerve racking thing you could have to deal with while trying to piss, and what happened was, I just couldn’t piss for like two or three hours straight. There was too much goddamn pressure, they only let you stay in the bathroom for a couple of minutes, AND THERE’S A BIG FUCKING BLACK GUY WATCHING YOU PEE AND YOU HAVE TO SHOW HIM YOUR DICK!!!! Eventually I just drank so much water that I was able to piss…. and of course I came back positive for weed (I had smoked two days before the drug test… but I had NO fucking idea that I was going to be drug tested, I’d been on probation for six months prior to this and had never been tested before… fucking bullshit). I honestly don’t know what’s going to happen, I haven’t heard back from anyone at the Probation Office. I called a lawyer for a Free Consultation and they told me that because I was on Felony Probation (NEVER EVER agree to be a lookout for someone burglarizing a house…) that a violation of my Probation would end me up in court. The problem is that I have no idea if this is true or not, I was doing some research online and there’s plenty of people who fail their first drug tests and their PO’s let them off. So I could end up going to jail for five years, OR I could end up not being punished at all, or something in between. Its not necessarily the punishment that’s scaring me (well… five years in jail would blow but that’s like, the maximum penalty) but the fucking waiting. I legitimately don’t know if cops are going to break down my door whenever they want to and bring me in which fucking sucks. The Probation Office over here is just a complete mess, completely disorganized and no one seems to know what the fuck is supposed to happen… so I just have to keep waiting… and waiting… and waiting.

Anyway, I’ve been going to College lately, have a new History teacher who reminds me of a kind of demented Jon Pertwee. We were just learning about how America were basically trying to destroy the Indian culture and conform them into “good ol’ Americans,” (even though they came here first), so we would stick them in “schools,” which were pretty much POW camps, and whip them if they tried to speak their own language and force them to farm on shitty soil. It really is interesting going to College and taking History classes just because you learn so much stuff that you would never learn from High School textbooks that gloss over everything. History is definitely one of my big interests and its always fascinating when you learn of some fucked up, evil conspiracies involving the US Government. I had to leave class at the halfway point though because I was falling asleep in class, due to me staying up all fucking night. The day before I slept in ’till 7 pm, went over to my friend Caleb’s house, got high as shit, and played Batman Arkham City all night. I eventually passed out at around 1 pm but was only able to sleep for two hours because I had another class starting at 3:30 pm. I ended up getting to the College at like, 3:45, and I was exhausted and extremely hungry. So I just ended up getting a Chicken and Bacon Crossiant at Dunkin Donuts along with a Coffee, and by the time I was done with that it was already 4:30, and the class ended at 5:15 so I didn’t even bother going in. Its the first day, I doubt I missed shit. So that’s been my life for the last couple of weeks…. for the most part…. but enough about me, let’s get on to some good ol’ fashioned rasslin’!

Night of The Living Jobber Champion

Alright, I think this is a good point to do a retrospective on Seth Rollin’s WWE Championship reign. Quit frankly, its been a joke since its started. Rollins cashed in at Wrestlemania 31, AFTER Roman Reigns and Lesnar had finished beating the shit out of each other, and STILL almost got F5’d to death by Lesnar. Not only that, but in the same fucking show Rollins lost to Orton. Rollins feuded with Orton after that and barely beat him in a cage match due to Authoirty interference. Rollins can not beat ANYONE in the uppercard without Stephy and Trips stacking the deck completely in his favor. The only person Rollins has been able to go over cleanly since being champ is Dean Ambrose who is stuck DEEP in the midcard. Rollins, in his build up to his match with Cena at Summerslam, not only lost to Cena cleanly, but was about to get beaten by Orton before Sheamus interfered. Rollins, from a kayfabe standpoint is NOT at the same level as the other people in the uppercard, and only ever seems to win anything due to dumb luck, interference, and capturing the opportunity. Rollins is basically Jericho in 2002, or Cena in 2005, in that he seems like he could dominate the mid-card but feels completely out of place in the uppercard. Just about every week on Raw we’re told over and over again how undeserving Rollins is, how he doesn’t match up to Trips and Cena and Sting, and how his championship reign is a joke. This is LITERALLY the story WWE’s going for, and the only way to salvage the WWE Championship right now is to either increase Rollins credibility ten fold, or give the championship to someone else.

The problem with this is, even though from a kayfabe perspective Rollins looks like a joke, from an actual entertainment and realistic point of view, Rollins right now is the BEST option. Sting’s too fucking old to be champion, (though I suppose it could be interesting having him as champ just to see where they’d go with it) and its not like he can go as well he could in the 90s and 80s. Cena’s just a huge, resounding NO, NOT AGAIN, and Sheamus… fucking NO ONE wants to see him! I think the best option would be to push Ambrose, Reigns, and Owens to uppercard status and then you have three new fresh faces to test as champion, but as it is Rollins is definitely the best choice we have at the moment. WWE’s just really booked themselves into a corner here and this show is going to be very interesting, to see where they’re going to go from here….

WWE Network is such a low rent piece of shit, been trying to get this show to start for the last five minutes and it fucking REFUSES to start! It’s now been ten minutes and I’ve refreshed the page like twenty times and it STILL WON’T FUCKING LOAD!!!

Low-fucking-rent.

After I swear to God, a half hour of waiting, NOC FINALLY fucking loads! Y’know if Seth can actually beat Sting and Cena in the same night… somewhat cleanly, he will FINALLY have some REAL credibility. I mean he will look like GOD, he’s both major champs and he beat Sting AND Cena in the same night? I don’t think it will happen of course, but it would be sweet.

1st Match: Ryback (C) vs Kevin Owens for the IC Championship

Oh shit, I had NO idea that Owens was wrestling for the IC Title. It will be fucking sweet if he wins… but at the same time, how demeaning for Owens. He went from co-main event the ppv’s with Cena, to wrestling Cesaro in a match right before the main event, to starting off the show. Lock up to the start and Skip Sheffeild throws Owens around. The fans are CLEARLY booing Ryback here. Ryback press slams Owens to the outside (!) and tries to get the crowd on his side by chanting his stupid fucking catchphrase. Owens with an arm wringer on the rope and slams Ryback’s arm into the post. What the fuck is that Create a WWE Superstar promotional thing they have at the bottom of the replay screen? Is that for WWE 2k16?

Y’know, Owens is basically ROH, 2004 CM Punk. He’s trashy, hates everyone, wears basketball shorts, has had to job to Cena… I mean shit. Owens is really working over the arm and Ryback bitches about it, so Owens tells him to shut up! Fucking awesome! Owens chokes Ryback out in the corner and tells everybody he’s the next champ. Owens…. you might be a bit TOO excited to win the the fucking Intercontinental Title… especially if Carlito’s coming back.  This match feels really, really rushed. We’re only thirteen minutes into the show and Ryback’s already made his comeback, and the whole working on the arm sequence feels really rushed. Owens reverses a powerbomb and yells, “You CAN’T POWERBOMB ME!” YES!!! THAT SHOULD’VE BEEN KIDMAN’S CATCHPHRASE!

Ryback picks Owens up for the shell shock but Owens slithers out of it and hits a Codebreaker to the arm for two… into an armbreaker. This match IS way too rushed and its definitely fucking up the pacing. Ryback throws Owens off with one arm to the boos of the crowd… Owens rakes the eye and rolls up Ryback for the win! YEAHHHHH BABYYYYYYYYYYY KEVIN OWENS IS THE CHAMP!!!

Considering how long Ryback was champion…. the match was way too short, and too fast paced. I felt like the match could’ve been good if it had been given twenty but it was given more like ten, and the match they had planned and the story just went too fast for anything to really be that effective. Not a BAD match, but definitely could have been better. Still, its nice to see Owens win the IC Title, maybe he can bring some importance to it and not just like, y’know, lose all the time.

Brock Lesnar’s going to wrestle Taker in a HITC at Wrestlemania. I think its funny that I can play Here Comes The Pain, a video game from 2003, and play the main event of Wrestlemania today! The match is JUST as relevant… if not more relevant then it was in 2003!

2nd Match: Dolph Ziggler vs Rusev W/ Slutty Rae

Dolph Ziggler looks GROSSLY sleazy here. I mean, you can see the sleaze ooze out of him. Rusev stomps the shit out of Ziggler and shoulderblocks him into the barricade. The crowd is really dead for this match…. y’know, there is no reason for these guys there to be wrestling after Summerslam, so they had to come up with this REALLY dumb story were Ziggler looks like a obsessed High School kid with a crush. Who the fuck JUST BUYS EARRINGS for a chick? No WAYYYY would I buy shit that expensive for a chick who I wasn’t going to bang… ahem, which is why I’ve NEVER bought jewlery for a chick.

The fans are just SOOOO bored with this match, chanting We Want Lana. Ziggler Hulks Up and scoop slams Rusev….. y’know I’ve been pissing in my room lately. Sounds gross, I know, but I have a nervous bladder and need to leave my room every goddamn ten minutes AND I’M SICK OF IT DAMMIT!!! Unfortunately my room SMELLS LIKE GODDAMN PEE!!! I’ve been bleaching the fucking thing which seems to help though…. aye fuck you, you’ve never done anything weird?

This black referee looks a lot like early 90s Teddy Long. Y’know, I think that Rae isn’t going to bang Ziggler, I think she just wanted to keep those goddamn earrings. Rusev goes for his Russian Mule kick but Ziggler dodges and locks on the MAIN EVENT SLEEPER but Rusev gets out of it… only to run into a DDT for two! JBL compares this match to Shamrock/Kimbo… which is FUCKING WEIRD because its KEN SHAMROCK!!! Rusev goes for the Accolade, and in a pretty sick moment, Ziggler pops the fuck up, and hits a superkick for two! Pretty fluid there, pretty sick. The crowd is still completely dead though. Rae gets on the apron and falls on her fat ass…. and Ted Long Jr. kicks Rae out of the ring… and God, Rae has such an annoyning high pitched scream. Rae accidentally hits Rusev with a shoe and Ziggler hits him with the Zig Zag for the win.

This match just didn’t need to happen and neither guy seemed like they wre having that much fun out there. Ziggler though still comes across as very fluid, is still great at selling, and GETS YOU into a match even if you don’t want to. Basically Ziggler is still the shit and still isn’t going anywhere… so nothing that’s changed from 2009.

I WANT TO FUCK NIKKI BELLA, OHHHHHHHHH YEAHHHHHHHHHH I JUST WANNA I JUST WANNA OH YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK NIKKI BELLA!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

3rd Match: New Day (C) vs The Dudley Boyzzzz for the Tag Team Championships

The New Day are on so many goddamn drugs…. at LEAST Acid and MDMA. New Day are having a petition to save the tables and list a bunch of modern people…. and the sketch is hilarious as The New Day are so over the fucking top about it. Its really going to be lame if New Day lose the tag titles to the Dudleys as EVERYONE… and I mean EVERYONE has loved The New Day lately and just how fucking ridiculous they are. The Dudley’s come out and its like some weird time warp to 2002. I wonder if the New Day are confused, they never new a black guy could team up with a white guy!

Xavier Woods has a super obnoxious trombone AND ITS FUCKING AWESOME!!! Kofi outwrestles D’von to start, while Xavier contines to play his super awesome trombone. I have to say… it is just fucking weird seeing Kofi Kingston as a heel wrestling D’von Dudley… D’von gets pissed after getting slapped… Bubba gets in, so Kofi bails and the New Day take a TIME OUT!!! I…. love…. the…. New… Day… so… much. I like how completely ridiclous The New Day are, while The Dudleys are so completely serious. Big E tells Bubba he’s old and he needs to go home. Big E with a rhthymic headlock, and he ACTUALLY DOES IT IN BEAT TO XAVIER WOODS TROMBONE PLAYING!!! THE NEW DAY IS SO FUCKING GREAT AND I LOVE THEM SO MUCH!!!

Kofi gets Bubba in the corner after a distraction from Xavier Woods… and Big E and Kofi stomp out Bubba in the corner WHILE WOODS PLAYS TRUMBONE WHENEVER THEY HIT HIM!!!! YES!!!!!! I LOVE THIS SO MUCH!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA!!!!!! Big E hits a big splash on the apron to Bubba…. Bubba starts to come back but Big E cuts him off with a shoulderblock…. AND XAVIER WOODS PLAYS THE ROCKY THEME SONG!!!! YESSSSSS!!!!

Kofi goes off the apron but gets caught with a Full Nelson slam. Bubba tags in D’von and D’von is a house of fiahhhhh!!!! D’von with a Thez press and gets pumped for the… clothesline…. and then tags in Bubba… they hit Big E with a suplex neckbreaker… and take out Kofi with a 3D…. but Xavier Woods breaks it up causing a DQ. Kinda lame….

Medicore match but this really highlights how great New Day have become. They have totally embraced their gimmicks and have added their own personality quirks to it, and it makes for extremely fun viewing. I’m glad that they kept the championships but this just feels like a set up to a Table’s Match between the two tag trams. And yup, Big E tells Xavier to GET THE TABLES!!!! The Dudley’s come back…. and put a clueless Xavier Woods through the table. The night….. the music….. diedddddddddddd.

Y’know what would save this feud? If the Dudley’s were able to say whatever they wanted and revert back to their sleazy, gross ECW Bingo hall days. I mean, how awesome would it be if the Dudley’s were able to tell Big E that his sister is a whore who sucks at sucking cock!? Here the Dudley’s just seem to be overly serious and not have any personality, which is in sharp contrast to the New Day.

4th Match: Nikki Bella (C) vs Charloette for the Women’s Title

My dick is telling me that Nikki should win, but my brain is telling me Charlotte should win…  I’m so CONFUSED!!! Nikki has SUCH A THICK ASS!!!!

Kind of surprised that Chiodia is reffing this, I thought Robinson had it in his contract that he got to Ref all the Diva’s matches. Charlotte has like, a negative ass. -5 ass. It goes INWARD instead of out! Y’know, if I wanted to see hot chicks fight I could just watch Forced Lesbian Porn!

Y’know, its just like, if you were ever going to fuck Nikki Bella, you’d have to do it with the knowledge that Cena has gotten ALL UP IN DAT! I still don’t understand how Edge and CM Punk got over the fact that they were dealing with Matt Hardy’s sloppy seconds!

This match has been really weird, Nikki has just been DESTROYING Charlotte and working over the knee. A lot of people have been arguring over whether or not Nikki’s reign has had to do with her being with Cena…. and I don’t see how people can say it’s not! She has been the longest reigning Diva’s Champion, pretty much beaten everyone in the new Diva’s Revolution, and is destroying Ric Flair’s daughter! Nikki Bella=Triple H in the Diva’s division!

I want to fuck Nikki a lot more than I want to fuck Trips though….

I mean the hair, that ass, those legs, her stomach…. everything is just hot as fuck! Nikki, just to bury Charlotte, puts Charlotee in the FIGURE FOUR ON THE POST! That’s pretty badass! Nikki into a half crab…. while I imagine licking Nikki’s asshole… AHEM! Charlotte up, and she’s Flairin Up! Chops and a neckbreaker.. big boot for two. Charlotte goes for a backslide but Nikki kicks out Charlotte’s leg and gets a two. Nikki with a suplex into the ropes fucking up Charlotte’s leg even more. I’m not going to lie, this match has had some decent psychology and Nikki has turned it up here a lot! Nikki comes off the top but gets caught in a spear! Charloette hits the Figure 8 and OH SHIT!!!! NIKKI TAPS AND CHARLOTTE GETS THE TITLE!!!

3.5/5.0 Best match of the night so far, the psychology was actually very well done and the story felt like something from the Triple H playbook. Nikki was absolutely brutal just destroying Charlotte’s leg the whole match, but Nikki couldn’t put her away and Charlotte caught her with a spear, and the Figure 8 getting her the win. Just really well done and I’m actually very impressed with Nikki here. Definitely the best match I’ve seen from her. Ric Flair comes out and is tearing up because he’s so happy. Awhhhhh.

Kevin Owens is really happy he has the IC Title and makes fun of Ryback for reading self hep books. This black chick interviewing him looks really turned on by how cocky Owen’s is. I love that Booker T is on the Round table thing. He’s EXCITED about the mystery partner, suckah!!!

Ric Flair’s going to party with his daughter which is FUCKING WEIRD!!! Like, is Ric Flair going to be fucking five chicks with his daughter there? Is he going to buy male strippers for Charlotte? Classy and trashy!???

So the new Doctor Who series is out and NO ONE is watching! You idiots, don’t you understand how great Peter Capaldi is!??? Serisouly, the latest Doctor Who did a 2.1, that’s worse than an average episode of Raw!

5th Match: Wyatts vs Shield 2.0 with ???

And their mystery partner is…. some random dude with a Shield vest!!! Naw, that was just some dipshit fan, its really CHRIS FUCKING JERICHO!!!! YEAH BABYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY C’MONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

He has not changed a day since 2012. He literally doesn’t look different at all, looks like he’s trolling the fans, and has that badassed light up jacket. BABY YOU KNOW YOU’RE JUDAS AND I’M THE PRIEST!!!! Jericho issssssssssssss sleazyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

So after that big reveal we start off the match with…. Ambrose and Harper. Ambrose with elbows and Reigns is tagged in who takes Harper down with a big clothesline.  Reigns tags in Jericho, Jericho with chops and Jericho comes off the top with a crossbody for two. Jericho goes for the walls, buts its too early so Harper gets out, but eats an enziguiri. Roman Reigns in, but Harper’s tire of getting his ass kicked, so he tags in Strauman (that spelled correctly?). Strauman no sells Roman Reigns so Reigns tags in Ambrose and they double team Strauman. The come off the ropes but Strauman takes them down with a shoulderblock. Jericho comes off th top but gets caught by Strauman, and he pressslams Jericho onto The Shield.

Y’know, Jericho puts EVERYONE over. He’s like the Opposite World Triple H. Strauman tags in Wyatt, Wyatt works over Ambrose with some punches. Ambrose hits a neckbreaker and… Ambros is looking pretty sexy. Ambrose with a tag to Reigns, Haper in, Reigns hits a Samoan Drop and a throwaway T-Bone Suplex. Reigns is just throwing Harper around here, and hits a big powerbomb for two. Reigns with clotheslines in the corner… and a big punch that sends Harper to the outside. Reigns gets distracted when Straun acts like a lil bitch and grabs Reigns hair, allowing Harper to get a superkick in. Wyatt in with a urnage for two. Strauman (Stromen? Strowmen?) in and hits a scoop slam. Strauman LOVES pulling that hair, which is a bit of a bitch move.

Reigns is the face in peril… and this is going to go on for a little bit. Harper with a pretty sick suicida to the outside, and Wyatt hits a big splash on the outside! Y’know, I’m usually pretty hard on Harper, but for his size he actually wrestles pretty well, and can do pretty cool stuff. He’s still limited, but is just willing… and able to do a lot more stuff than most big guys. I don’t see Reigns doing suicida’s and superkicks.

Jericho in, and he dropkicks Strauman, hits Wyatt with a bulldog, C’MON BABYYY!!!, and The Walls is locked on Wyatt! Harper breaks it up and Ambrose is in. Ambrose almost gets hit with the Sister Abigail… but gets out and hits Wyatt with the Ropes Clothesline and both guys are down. Ambrose tags in Reigns and Wyatt tags in Strauman. Reigns with two Superman Punches, Ambrose off the top with a cross body, and then a suicida onto Harper on the outside! Reigns with a spear on Strauman! Jericho tags himself in, hits the lionsault…. but gets two!!! What!!??? Is Jericho really jobbing to this fucking guy!???

Jericho goes for a Codebreaker… but gets caught by Strauman… and Strauman plants Jericho and hits him with some kind of lame assed bear hug. The crowd is BE-FUCKING-HIND Jericho…. but Jericho passes out. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!??? Jericho needs to get some goddamn balls and NOT put everyone and their mother over! Strauman’s going to be heavily pushed for a couple months and then be stuck in the midcard, and probably released… but Jericho’s still going to have lost to him. Fucking horseshit. And Strauman is one UGLY motherfucker!

Watching the promo video for Rollins/Sting/Cena and Rollins was freaking the fuck out when Sting destroyed Rollins statue.

Main Event 1: John Cena vs Seth Rollins (C) for the United State Championship

Cena want’s to be serious for a moment….

Chicken wings, Pepsi Throwback, and Cigs is the best breakfast a boy could ask for.

OH MY GOD, NOOOOO!!!!! Seth Rollins is wearing that STUPID assed white attire! He looks like he’s wearing… I don’t know, a suit or something.

Can’t tell if that new ring announcer is black or not. She looks pretty damn hot though!

Rollins arms are a lot bigger than Punk’s.

Lock up and Cena brings Rollins into the corner. Y’know, Rollins is so obviously a hipster. LOOK AT HIM!!! Cena with some punches and Cole mentions that the only time the US Title has changed hands was in 1988! And it was Barry Whindam! Whindham was a pretty great big guy wrestler, but the only thing that I ever think of when I think of Barry Whindam are those terrible, long matches with Dusty Rhodes where Barry used the claw for like tweleve hours and it looked like Dusty was sucking Barry’s dick. It was some GAY looking shit. If you have the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD you know what I’m talking about…

Rollins props Cena in a tree of woe and KILLS Cena with a double boot stomp off the top for two! So he can do that, but he can’t stomp people for his finisher!? Rollins gets too cocky and Cena rolls him up for two, but Rollins takes him out with a clothesline. Rollins really is just a weird combination of CM Punk/Edge. Rollins does the U Can’t See Me taunt which causes Cena to Hulk up and the crowd BOOS THE FUCK out of Cena! Awesome. Cena goes for the five knuckle shuffle but Rollins kicks him in the face and hits a tornado neckbreaker for two. Rollins is countering everything Cena does here and its pretty sweet. Rollins goes for the Pedigree, but nope, Cena hits the backdrop again and hits that sunset powerbomb flip for two.

Cena goes for the FU but Rollins wrings Cena on the ropes, Rollins runs up the top but Cena cuts him off. JBL makes the comparison between Edge/Rollins which is fucking sweet! Rollins sunset flips Cena and goes for a powerbomb into a corner but Cena reverses with a rana! Cena, turning up his game! Cena and Rollins trade punches…. Rollins gets caught in FU position but Rollins lands on his feet, and kicks Cena in the jaw for two. This match has kind of skipped the entire beginning part and has just gotten into the middle, and its fucking sweet because there’s no filler bullshit in this one. It fucks with the pacing a bit but I definitely think it works for this match. Rollins sends Cena to the outside and hits a Swanton to Cena on the outside and lands on his feet! Rollins to the top but misses a big splash in the ring. The fan’s chant Eddie but Rollins move was more of a crossbody than a frogsplash. Cena hits a Tornado DDT for two.

I’m touching my nipples…

Cena goes to the top for the legdrop but Rollins catches him…. and hits a superplex…. ROLLINS PICKS HIM UP AND SUPLEXES HIM AGAIN FOR TWO!!! Sick as fuck! Cena reverses… something and gets in the STF. Rollins catches the rope and Cena catches Seth in FU position… Seth reverses into a powerbomb… and hits him in the corner! Two count. Pretty sick match here. The Cena matches…. because you can’t really have a fast paced match with Cena you have to slow yourself down and tell a story so there’s a lot of dead space in between the big moves but it adds to the match and covers for Cena’s weaknessess. Seth POWERS CENA UP AND IS ABOUT TO FU HIM!!! Cena reverses and hits a Reverse DDT…. big legdrop off the top…. FU…. fuck. Cena wins. Gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy as fuck!!!! Rollins just looked PERFECT in that match, doing EVERYTHING he could and had a perfect game plan… but Cena hulked up, hit an FU and won. I don’t think the viewer can help BUT identify with Rollins because he works so hard to put Cena down but its just impossible because Cena is Superman.

Rollins tries to leave so Cena FU’s Rollins on the outside…. and Rollins is fucking DEAD. I hate John Cena so much. Seth is fucking dying in the ring and Sting comes out…

Main Event 2: Seth Rollins (C) vs Sting for the WWE Championship

Seth Rollins is so fucked.

Sting with a Stinger Splash, Sting goes for a Scorpion Deathlock… gets it but Rollins gets the ropes. Going to be interesting to see how Rollins/Sting works… y’know if the match actually goes on for a while. Sting ALMOST takes Rollins out with a Scorpion Deathdrop but Seth gets out…. Rollins to the outside and tries to escape but Sting isn’t having it and throws Rollins into the steps.

Just want to remind you, Tyler Breeze is wrestling Sting in the main event of a WWE PPV in 2015. Fucking bizarre. Sting just throws Rollins around the barricades… probably because Sting can’t wrestle. In the ring and Seth is just DONE. Sting whips Rollins around, and Rollins does the Shawn Michaels flip. Seth Rollins puts Sting through the commentary table…. and considers leaving… but then decides to kick Sting’s ass. Rollins throws Sting on the inside and gets a two count. Sting is just fucking DONE from that table spot. Rollins talks some shit to Sting and hits a spinning neckbreaker for two. Seth with a sick inverted suplex for two.

Seth talks some more shit, Sting starts to come back for punches so Seth puts him down with a powerbomb into the corner. THIS IS SO WEIRD, TYLER BREEZE IS WRESTLING STING IN THE MAIN EVENT OF A WWE PPV IN 2015!!!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!!???

Rollins goes for the Pedigree but Sting throws him onto the apron and then throws Rollins into the barricade… Seth lands right on his head. Aye, Seth don’t take too many head bumps to the barricade. I remember reading that it fucked some other wrestler’s head up… some guy named Chris. Sting goes to the top rope and comes off with a crossbody to the outside! Fans chant Holy Shit… the commentators try to ignore the chant because its NOT PG!  Back in the ring, Sting his the Scorpion Deathdrop for two but Seth gets his foot on the rope. Sting with another Stinger Splash and the infamous eight punches from Sting…. but Rollins catches Sting and powerbombs him into the ropes! Sting just collapses in the middle of the match… what the hell??? I have no idea if Sting’s actually injured or not, but I love how cocky Rollins is being the whole time. Seth Rollins, “This guy huh!? This guy huh!?” Rollins goes for the Pedigree but Sting reverses into the Scorpion Deathlock………………………………………………………………………… and Rollins gets the ropes. Oh, thank God! Seth hits the flippy kick… goes for the Pedigree… Scorpion Deathlock…. Rollins reverses into a roll up for the win! YES! Fuck you Cena! ROLLINS IS THE CHAMP BABYYYYYYYYYY!!! We still have five minutes left, is Sheamus going to cash in!???

Yuppppppp!!!!!! Sheamus with the Bro Kick, and Sheamus is cashing it in. BUT BY GWAD KING ITS KANE!!!!!! Sheamus grabs his beifcase and gets the fuck outta there. And its Kane with his MASK ON!!! Kane with a CHOKESLAM…. and Sheamus tells Rollins to hit him one more time. So of course Kane chokeslams Sheamus … and hits Rollins with a tombstone. Wow, I’m SO excited for Kane/Rollins, lemme tell ya!

Final Thoughts: All together, for those two matches I’d probably say it was 4.0-4.5 but individually I’d say the Rollins/Cena match was 4.0 and Rollins/Sting was 3.5. Still, those last two matches were unpredictable and exciting, and had a real level of suspense to them. I think it had more to do with the fact that I went in spoiler free, whereas if I knew what was going to happen the show might’ve lost a lot of its edge. And they got around the super obvious cash in by having Kane get involved. Rollins really proved himself on this show, pulling out the real work boots and having two very good matches against two of the biggest wrestlers ever. I’m not too pumped for Kane/Rollins, who is, but I am definitely okay with Rollins keeping his championship. My only real problem is, even though the last half of this show was really good and exciting, it almost seems like Summerslam was completely unnecessary from a story telling point of view. Rollins got to have the US Championship for a month, lost it to Cena but is still the WWE Champion. You could’ve literally got the same result if you had, say Roman Reigns wrestle Rollins at Summerslam, Rollins would still be WWE Champion and Cena would still be US Champion. A lot of Summerslam’s power seems completely negated by this show and it feels like we’v almost taken a step backward instead a forward one. Rollins did look credibile tonight but still doesn’t look better than the FUCKING US CHAMPION!!! If you hadn’t seen Summerslam, and didn’t watch any of the Raw building up to NOC you quite literally wouldn’t have realized Seth Rollins was ever the US Champion.

Still, everything from the Diva’s match and up is really good, a pretty exciting, suspenseful show and I really think the writers did the best they could given the MITB situation. I mean, I’d rather have Kane/Rollins then Sheamus as the fucking champion! So again, a great show… but not one that really has me looking forward to more WWE, or wanting to watch Raw in the future…