Baron Corbin’s Belly Button Of Doom
There is something that we all need to address. NXT is a veritable breeding ground for remarkable athletes, quality matches, simplified and well executed storytelling and a revolution for women’s wrestling within the WWE behemoth. We know this. We praise NXT constantly, and rightfully so. The limited downsides to the company are all but ignored thanks to its incredible upsides, a statement which is often reversed on NXT’s older brother, Raw. However, there is a painfully obvious weakness that blemishes the NXT brand – a terrifying pitfall that threatens to consume the entire enterprise and drag it kicking and screaming into the flaming pits of hell. The issue I speak of, is of course, Baron Corbin’s belly button.
The Belly Bottom of Doom, or BBD as it shall now be known for fear that uttering the full name out loud too many times will awaken the Balrogs of the deep, headlined this weeks episode of NXT in a victorious effort against Rhyno. The BBD also demolished the same opponent at NXT Takeover: Unstoppable back in May, and has been teaming with him in the meantime, obliterating almost everything set in its path. It’s clear that the BBD drives and controls Corbin. It isn’t naturally possible for a performer to treat a gimmick with such vacuous apathy without there being a supernatural force sucking the energy and life from its host in a sacramental haematogenous feeding. Presumably this ritual occurs as the spotlights turn off during Corbin’s entrance, thus hiding the disturbing sight from the innocent eyes of those in attendance.
There is a rumour the BBD is a scar left behind from the surgical removal of Husky Harris. This points to their creation being similar to that of the brothers in the film Twins, where all of the quality in humanity went into manufacturing Arnold Schwarzenegger, and everything that was left over accidentally produced Danny DeVito. In this case, Husky Harris escaped with phenomenal skills and evolved into Bray Wyatt, whereas Corbin has been left to rot, commanded by the petrifying cavity that remains where his abs should be.
Another rumour exists that the endless horizontal line is the result of the immense weight loss the Lone Wolf went through when shaping up for a career in wrestling. Corbin was apparently a failed NFL offensive linesman, a sport and position that required him to be of a much greater size. This dubious tale is undoubtedly the result of the ceaseless and unyielding hypnotism of the BBD as it is able to lace your mind and dreams with whatever it deems necessary to further its quest to rule the universe.
The gelatinous orifice is mesmerising. As with the Mona Lisa’s eyes, it follows you round the room, which is an even more terrifying prospect considering that the show is aired out of Orlando, a full 7000km from my home on the South coast of England. If it has such a spellbinding effect on me, I shudder to think what has become of those who’ve sat on the front rows of Full Sail at any taping Corbin has been present for. This is likely why the camera never shows the other side of the audience. 150 comatose wrecks being broadcast round the world would curtail the WWE Network subscriptions at an alarming rate.
Now I’m not the only one who has recognised the startling power and dread generated by the lethal crevice. Those of you who haven’t noticed are far too lost in its astounding dominion, but there are a select few who have commented and are still breathing upon this mortal coil. Just some of the BBD descriptions I have seen or heard include, but are not limited to, Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, a sad face emoticon, a cyclops eye, a space bar, a hungry mouth that wants to eat its opponent, a black hole… However you chose to label to the atrocity, the fact is that we are all under its watchful eye, and it will not rest until it has usurped Kane’s belly button as the most dominant in all of sports entertainment.
Corbin is billed as a monster, but he himself is not the monster. The monster, is his Belly Button of Doom…
