Inside Pulse 12

Spain’s WWE SmackDown Report and Results for January 14th 2016: Drinking Game Round III

Hey there folks. This is several days late, because your humble scribe has recently gotten past a huge deadline and has been celebrating by passing in and out of a haze of alcohol and European movies.

So, by way of an apology, and because I’m going to be drinking anyway, this seemed like the perfect time to bring back the SPAIN’S SMACKDOWN REPORT DRINKING GAME. The rules are as follows: 1) you will drink for every sleeper/rest hold. 2) You will drink for every catchphrase. 3) You will drink every time Jerry Lawler says something sleazy about women. 4) You will drink for every RAW recap. 5) Every time there is a DQ, count-out or a dirty victory, you will finish whatever is in your glass/bottle.

Let’s get shitfaced and watch wrestling.

Wait, holy shit: Royal Rumble‘s a week away? And Kalisto’s the US Champion? What the hell happens when I miss RAW?

Renee Young is backstage, awaiting Dean Ambrose’s arrival because he’s requested an interview. I preferred it when her and JoJo just ambushed the talent: they were hunting the most dangerous game.

Dean pulls up in a black truck and starts heading out front, telling Renee that he has a  message for Kevin Owens. However, he says things to people’s faces, so he’s going to say it in the ring. Makes him sort of a dick for requesting an interview in the first place, unless he feels that announcing his intention to make an announcement was interview-worthy material.

Ambrose arrives at the ring as we see the recap of his and Owens’ SmackDown match, which ended in a DQ. And then we see RAW (DRINK) as Owens jumped Ambrose during a match against Sheamus: if I was doing anything involving Sheamus, I’d absolutely take having the shit kicked out of me as an alternative.

Dean requests a drum roll, and looks really surprised when he gets one. He’s about to make his announcement, when he realises that something’s missing: it’s Kevin Owens. If you’re going to make requests like that, at least put them on your rider. Owens doesn’t make an appearance, and so Dean goes ahead with the announcement: he’s challenging Owens to Last Man Standing match at the Royal Rumble.

Sheamus then arrives, and thank God: I was almost having a good week. Sheamus starts insulting Ambrose, comparing him to a little kid: careful now. Sheamus says that Ambrose lives in a fantasy world, but this is reality. Wow, does a bullshit promo count as a catchphrase? It does tonight: fucking DRINK. Sheamus seems to have a lot of aggression against both Reigns and Ambrose, and seeing as how Reigns could easily murderfuck him to death, he’s going to pick a fight with Deano instead. Man, I can’t believe he hasn’t said ‘fella’ yet.

Ambrose is up for a fight, but as Sheamus walks down to the ring, Owen’s music hits, and he shows up with a microphone. He says that he’s not out here because Sheamus was already here and he has a numbers advantage; he’s out here to say that it doesn’t matter what match they have next Sunday: Ambrose’s ass is grass and he’s going to mow it. Also, Owens’ shirt has ‘Fight Owens Fight’ printed on it: DRINK.

Sheamus and Owens approach the ring, but before the fight can get going, Neville jumps Owens and Ambrose keeps Sheamus way.

We’re still doing this?

It’s time for one of our three main events tonight: the Dudley Boyz vs. the Wyatt Family in a Tables Match. Man, after a while, you’d figure the Dudleys would just fucking get the concept. The Dudleys make their way to the ring, and wait on the Wyatts before…Harper and Rowan teleport right behind them and jump them to kick off the match. Man, that’s a smart use of the teleportation.

Harper and Rowan immediately beat the Dudley Boyz down in the corner, and it’s just occurred to me that Byron, Mauro and Jerry really seem cool with the concept and practice of teleportation. Do scientific discovery and the betterment of mankind come a close second to wrestling on this show?

Bubba manages to backdrop Rowan out of the ring, and then clotheslines Harper to the mat. Another backdrop to Harper, and then Bubba bodyslams the backwoods hobo so that D-Von can hit the WASSUP (DRINK), and then tells his brother to ‘get the tables’ (DRINK). The Dudleys set up a table, but Harper drops D-Von with a superkick and Rowan disposes of Bubba Ray in a similar fashion, and then we go to break. Man, it’d be embarrassing if we came back and two of them had gone through tables.

After a break, we’re back with the tables action. D-Von is in the ring, getting worked over by the Wyatts. Rowan sets up a table, and the Wyatts go for a double suplex, but Bubba moves the table, taking both of the Wyatts down. Back suplex/hangman neckbreaker double team on Harper, who rolls out of the ring, pursued by D-Von, who smashes his head off the steps.

In the ring, Bubba and Erick double-clothesline each other, putting both men down. D-Von drapes Harper over a table on the outside and then heads up to the top rope, only to have his flight-path blocked by Stroman. Even though I am pretty sure that even Stroman would probably not be able to stand up to the mass and velocity of a falling D-Von Dudley. The distraction does work, however, as Rowan is able to stop D-Von.

Stroman slides a Singapore cane into the ring for Rowan, but Bubba puts the red-beard down, and proceeds to wail on him with the cane. Rowan is sent out of the ring, and then Bubba dodges a charge from Stroman, who runs into the turnbuckles and falls out of the ring. And I’m sorry, but Braun Stroman has the exact facial expressions of someone who I feel would do that.

Harper climbs up to engage D-Von, and Bubba shoves him off the steps and through the table. And…wait, that’s it?

Okay, I remember way better tables matches, which I remember usually needed to have all your opponents put through tables. 2 Stars.

Stroman then clotheslines both Dudley Boyz, and it looks like the Wyatts want some revenge. Honestly? Suits me: I’m pretty pissed about that myself. D-Von gets put through two tables, and then Bubba gets the absolute shit kicked out of him before he takes a double chokeslam through another two. That was more entertaining than the actual match.

Then we get a recording of Bray saying ‘Follow the Buzzards’, and it still counts, so fucking DRINK.

Oh, and now it’s a RAW recap (DRINK), showing Kalisto’s unlikely victory over Del Rio. I said, many months ago, that I really wanted to see Kalisto climb higher in the company, but had my doubts that he would ever be able to. Well, I am damn happy to be wrong about that, and I’m ready for another lucha-libre style competitor, who will hopefully not dedicate every match of his career to Eddie Guerrero.

JoJo is backstage with Kalisto…and even he’s taller than she is! Did they make this interviewer in a laboratory?! Oh God, he namedrops Eddie Guerrero: is there a fucking rule about that for Latino wrestlers? In fairness, he also mentions Rey Mysterio, and maybe he can dedicate his matches to Rey’s fucked-up kneecap.

Catering stands empty

Okay, Zack Ryder, Jack Swagger, Damien Sandow and Goldust are in the ring, about to face the Social Outcasts. Wow, there is so much irrelevancy in this match that I fear I’m going to be forced to talk about literally anything else.

Slater starts off first against Sandow, gets sent off the ropes and then bails so that he can be encouraged by Bo, who then makes him take a lap. Sandow catches him, sending Slater back into the ring and tagging in Goldust. The Bizarre One hits an atomic drop and a Rhodes Uppercut before pounding on Slater in the corner. A distraction from Axel lets Slater kick Goldust away and tag out, bringing Axel legally into the match.

Axel keeps stomping on Goldust, then hits a dropkick. Goldust catches him with a punch, but gets taken down so that Adam Rose can come in. He runs into a powerslam from Goldust, tagging in Bo as Goldust tags in Swagger. Swagger takes advantage, clotheslining Bo all over the place. He cries ‘We, The People’ (DRINK) and attempts a Swagger Bomb. Bo counters by putting his knees up, but Swagger counters this counter with a Patriot Lock!

Axel rushes into the ring, only to get low-bridged by Ryder. Bo tries to attack Ryder, but gets his face rocked against a pair of knees, then eats a missile dropkick. He yells ‘WOO WOO WOO!’ (DRINK), and almost gets the victory with a boot to Bo’s face, but some interference by Slater allows Bo to hit the Running Bo-Dog, and that’s the match.

Some people might not class that as a completely dirty victory, but those people don’t know how to drink, so FINISH YOUR DRINK. This was formulaic, but that doesn’t mean it’s inherently a bad thing. Also, I resent the feeling that this whole thing is a sarcastic ‘fuck you’ to the people who actually like these wrestlers. 2 Stars.

Another RAW recap (DRINK), this time of Roman Reigns and his ‘One vs. All’ match. I must say, the Championship picture has, in terms of its build, been really quite interesting so far. And Vince, no matter his faults, has always been an excellent villain. I suppose being a billionaire with an army of powerful dudes at your disposal makes you an effective threat. The crowd also gave out a hell of a pop when Lesnar came out, continuing his perfectly-crafted reputation as WWE’s more-pissed-off Godzilla. The tussle he had with Sheamus, where the Irishman set this year’s record of ‘Most Blows Landed on Brock Lesnar’, was interesting: could they be thinking of a match in the near future? With something as choreographed as this current generation of WWE programming, you can never be sure there’s not meaning in something.

Renee Young is backstage with Alberto Del Rio, and politely rubs his face in his recent title loss. Del Rio looks honest-to-Gods emotional, which is a nice change from the expression of complete and utter boredom he’s worn since his return.

And because I know I haven’t said it yet: kudos to WWE for being allied with an anti-smoking organisation. Hopefully a step-up from their association with Susan G. Komen, who apparently somehow manage to be assholes whilst simultaneously being a cancer charity. Then again, I’m a product of the Catholic Church, where you can be a moral and spiritual leader whilst simultaneously being a child-rapist, so you can point fingers pretty much everywhere.

Should have dedicated the match to Eddie Guerrero

Kalisto makes his way to the ring, and I am absolutely certain that his ‘Lu-cha, Lu-cha, Lu-cha’ chant is a catchphrase, so fucking DRINK. The bell rings; Eden announces the match; the ref holds up the belt and we have a title match.

Mauro calls Kalisto ‘hotter than a habanero’, which is one of many reasons to love this man. And Del Rio is on Kalisto instantly, just beating the absolute hell out of the poor masked bastard. And can we stop mentioning Revenant, commentators? Is it too much to ask to not know anything about a film before going to see it? Can people stop spoiling The Danish Girl for me as well: I’ve been busy, alright? No time to see movies until now.

Del Rio is still in control, slamming Kalisto’s head off the mat. Man, Lawler’s being a heel commentator, but his lack of sleaze is bringing down my blood’s potential alcohol level something fierce. Del Rio goes after Kalisto’s mask, which is some 50 Shades of Grey shit in the wrestling community. Kalisto, outraged by this indignity, fights Alberto off, launching himself from the top rope in a front dropkick. Alberto immediately shuts Kalisto back down again with a clothesline, and we’re back where we were.

Del Rio comes off the second rope with a fist to the skull, mocking Kalisto. The Lucha Dragon manages to catch him with a sudden hurricanrana into the steel post, buying himself a moment, charges at Del Rio, but ends up taking a modified armbar takedown from the top. Alberto’s like a shark smelling blood (if that’s biologically a thing that sharks actually do), slamming the left arm repeatedly off the steel steps.

We’ve got an arm hold locked in, but Kalisto breaks out before it qualifies as a rest-hold. He takes a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker, and then gets sent into the corner. Suddenly, like lightning, Kalisto hits a crossbody and a hurricanrana, but just as quickly blasts the ring post with his shoulder as we take a break.

We’re back, and Del Rio is still punishing Kalisto; he delivers a modified suplex which appears to target Kalisto’s arm. Suddenly, and completely unannounced, Wade Barrett is at ringside. Okay, Wade: you do you. Kalisto’s tied up in the Tree of Woe as Del Rio starts kicking him. Alberto wants the Stomp, but suddenly gets headscissored off the top rope and down to the mat!

Kalisto tries to reach his feet, avoiding a charge from Alberto, hitting a seated senton, going for the corkscrew moonsault…which misses! Del Rio wants the superkick, and hits it, getting a near-fall. He starts his ‘SI!’ chants (DRINK), which Barrett hilariously echoes, and Del Rio wants the Cross Armbreaker, but Kalisto counters with a hurricanrana! Corkscrew moonsault, then a spike-a-rana for a near-fall!

Both men are down as we enter the fourth quarter of the match. Del Rio suddenly catches Kalisto, taking him down with an arm wrench. He then slaps Kalisto, who catches him with a big jawbreaker. He hops onto Del Rio’s shoulders, then hops back off, catching him with a roundhouse kick to the temple.

Kalisto wants Salida Del Sol, but Barrett gets up on the apron, blocking him. Del Rio takes advantage, taking Kalisto down with an armbar, and then locking in the Cross Armbreaker! Kalisto fights as long as possible, actually reaching the bottom rope with his feet, forcing a break of the hold! Del Rio tries to charge at Kalisto whilst he’s on the ropes, but Kalisto dodges out of the way, leaving Alberto to land hard on the floor. Now Kalisto wants to dive out onto Del Rio, but Barrett drags Del Rio out of the way, leaving Kalisto to crash and burn on the outside! Okay, that should probably be a DQ or somethig. Cross Armbreaker is locked in on the inside, and we’ve got a new US Champion.

Okay, the most important thing is that, for the second time tonight, you all need to FINISH YOUR DRINKS. And this was a really good match, with a different complexion to the standard formula. Nice to see Del Rio actually look invested in something. Also, this really seems to show the value of networking in the workplace. 3.5 Stars.

Renee Young has her third interview of the night, this time with Becky Lynch. We recap Charlotte turning on her on RAW (DRINK), and Becky is still pretty pissed at the huge amount of betrayal from every friend ever, which was demonstrated by her putting the fucking boots to Charlotte, which we see on another RAW recap (DRINK). Becky proposes another title match at the Royal Rumble, which is shaping up to be one hell of a PPV, match-wise.

Alright, stuff’s getting a little hazy about now…

Okay, Byron just used the phrase ‘Total Divas and chill’, and…well, there probably are words, but I don’t have them. Brie and Alicia make their way to the ring, and then Becky shows up.

The Divas lock up, with Brie sending Becky to the mat and slamming her skull off the canvas. Missile dropkick from the Bella sends Becky the whole way across the ring, and then Brie locks in a rest hold (DRINK) after unloading a barrage of elbows into her neck, following that up with another slam of the back of the head off the mat. I haven’t been listening to King, but let’s assume he’s being his usual creepy-ass self (DRINK). You can take issue with that one if you want to, but you’ll have to live with the knowledge that you’re defending Jerry Lawler in any sphere of life.

Brie keeps up the attack in the corner, but Becky catches her off-guard, throwing her face-first into the turnbuckle. Becky’s turn to attack now, hitting a flurry before scoring with an exploder suplex out of the corner. Brie almost rolls Becky up, but then Brie reverses the Bella Buster, locking in the Disarmer for the win!

Quick match, but it was a nice touch to follow up on Becky inadvertently screwing over Brie on Monday. 2.5 Stars.

The Condemned 2, starring Randy Orton, is coming out on Monday. I am calling it right now: there is no possible way it’s going to be better than The Condemned, which is absolutely the best movie starring a professional wrestler ever.

With the possible exception of Hulk Hogan’s Mr Nanny.

Oh dear God, I am drunk.

I’m going to throw up, and only a little bit because of Sheamus

It’s time for the third of our three main events, and here comes Sheamus. Alright, I’m pretty sure he just yelled ‘Fella’ there, so DRINK. Kevin Owens then comes out, and we won’t count his shirt as a catchphrase this time…but they just recapped RAW to show him destroying the fuck out of Neville, so DRINK, bitches.

Alright, this whole drinking contest thing was a terrible mistake. I need something to eat.

Neville and Ambrose show up, and we start things off with Neville and Sheamus. They lock up, with Sheamus hitting a knee, sending Neville off the ropes and taking a running hurricanrana. Neville tags in Ambrose, who beats on Sheamus before taking some shots of his own. Ambrose kicks Sheamus in the face, dropkicks him against the ropes and clotheslines him out of the ring. Dean is distracted by Owens (‘distracted’ here means: ‘punched Owens in the face then threw himself out of the ring at him’) and Sheamus levels him with a clothesline on the outside.

Back from a commercial break, Owens punches Ambrose in the face and then chokes him on the ropes. Shoulder block drops Dean, and Owens keeps hitting shots, keeping Ambrose down before tagging in Sheamus. Sheamus bodyslams Ambrose, then scores with a boot to the head, getting two. Owens tags in, hitting a fist to the face. Ambrose is sent into the corner, boots Owens in the face, has his tornado DDT countered, but he hits the neckbreaker and tags in Neville.

Neville comes in with a beautiful springboard dropkick. A lot more kicks lace Owens; Neville throws himself out of the fireman’s carry and hits a step-up enzuigiri. Owens blocks a German suplex, tags in Sheamus, and Sheamus gets hit with an enzuigiri himself. Neville immediately goes for a shooting star press, but Sheamus rolls out of the way; Neville manages to recover, but gets too close to Owens, who smacks him.

Sheamus is back in control, quickly tagging out to Owens. Owens goes on the attack, pounding Neville, then hitting a kick to the back. Owens yells at the commentators, which is basically a catchphrase for him (DRINK). Sheamus tags in, just in time to take a jawbreaker, but a double axe-handle puts him in control once again. He locks in a sleeper hold, and that’s another DRINK.

Huge knee to the gut from Sheamus, who tags in Kevin Owens. Back senton to Neville gets two, and there’s another sleeper hold (DRINK)! Neville fights his way to his feet, rolls out of a back suplex, but takes a German suplex instead. Owens wants a cannonball, but Neville dodges and hits a German suplex of his own! Neville crawls over to Dean, and he gets the tag!

Sheamus in; Ambrose in, and Ambrose is taking control, knocking the shit out of Sheamus in the corner. Sheamus blasts a steel post with his shoulder, and eats a tornado DDT! Ambrose heads up to the top, hitting a standing elbow, with Owens breaking up the pin. Owens takes a smack to the face from Ambrose, who manages to counter a suplex from Sheamus, taking a European uppercut from the Irishman. He goes to pendulum off the ropes, but Owens interrupts him with a kick, and Sheamus hits White Noise!

Owens tags in, sending Ambrose off the ropes; Ambrose counters the Pop-Up Powerbomb with a hurricanrana, and then levels Owens with the Lunatic Lariat! Owens escapes under the ropes, but Ambrose just dives through the ropes onto him. Sheamus grabs Ambrose, hurling him into the steps twice, and then Owens smacks Dean with some pieces of the announce table, getting a DQ: fucking DOWN IT.

Really solid match, though disappointingly little offence from Neville; I was hoping that his rise would continue. Bad night to be a high-flying babyface, I guess. 3 Stars.

Owens and Sheamus continues to rip apart the announce table, as if they promised to finish what the Wyatt Family started: there’s a conversation I’d love to see. Suddenly, both Owens and Sheamus are hit by a flying Neville, and Ambrose lays Owens out with Dirty Deeds in the ring. Dean then sets Owens up, and Neville hits the Red Arrow to Owens, the faces standing tall to end the show.

Well, it might be the alcohol talking, which is a real danger at this point, but that was a fun show. I’m not even going to attempt to rate it: I can barely sit up straight. Hope you’re all in a similar condition, and I hope you enjoyed!

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