Wrestling Opinions From a Sleazy Guy
It has been an absolutely wild month for me, everything seems to be flowing between far too slow paced and far too fast paced with nothing in between. I’m back in College but this is the make it or break it semester. My first semester I was doing two six-week classes and just simply couldn’t keep up with the break-neck pace, so I ended up failing both of my classes. I went in again the next semester and everything was going fine up until I was arrested for violating my probation by failing a drug test for weed. So now I’m doing three classes in sixteen weeks and feel pretty confident about it.
My English class got off to a weird start. On the second class we were assigned a pretty easy, two page Journal entry about our favorite childhood memories. Cheesy for sure but simple enough. I got the assignment done that day but none of the printers at the school were working so I figured I’d just print it out the morning before I had to go class. So the day that I had that class I was trying to print out the assignment but my computer was being un-godly slow because I was doing a Full Scan with my Ad-Aware Anti Virus checker. I restarted the computer but all in all it took me about ten minutes to finally get the fucking thing to print. I’m rushing to class hoping that the dipshit teacher didn’t end class five minutes in like he did the class before. I get to the classroom and nobody is in there. I was kind of panicy but figured there wasn’t a lot I could do about it. I shot my English teacher an e-mail explaining to him what happened, attached the document to it and told him if he wanted the hard copy I could give it to him.
So I went into class the following Wednesday (MLK day so we didn’t have class Monday) and this is where shit start to gets weird. I walk into the class and there’s a new instructor I’d never seen before who was ACTUALLY there to introduce another instructor because Mr. Dooner, the original professor, wasn’t teaching anymore. Turns out he died. And the guy was only around 40! So the next day I’m supposed to do this Quantitative Reasoning test, the first test of the entire semester. I had been getting ready for it, going over the study guide, refreshing myself on the symbols and terminology, etc… Well Lady Luck, the ugly bitch, decided to show herself and I ended up having a fever of 102 the night before the test. I must have got it when I was having that little mini party in my room with a couple of my buds and we were all pouring drinks out of the same Vodka bottle. So I’ve been doing nothing but resting for the last four days and my fevers gone as well as this goddamned flu. I’m still sick but its just a running nose and the occasional cough rather than feeling like I’m going to keel over and die.
And talking about keeling over and dying…
The Roman Rumble
I think this is absolutely the weakest Rumble card I’ve ever seen. Nothing has any hype behind it EXCEPT for the main event. In fact, I didn’t even know what other matches were on the card until BD put them up for the Roundtable. The only point of interest for me in the midcard of this show is that I hope just because New Day are wrestling for the tag titles doesn’t eliminate them from being in the Rumble because having the entire New Day cutting promos and dominating the Rumble for a bit would be great. The other thing that interests me is Kalisto/Del Rio… I saw the Raw where Kalisto beat Del Rio for the US Title but when BD was putting up the Roundtable he listed Del Rio as the US Champ. So did Kalisto ALREADY lose the fucking title? If he did, it just shows how little stock they have in The Jumping Beans with Masks. I don’t mean that in a dergotative insulting manner but rather to illustrate that WWE has done absolutely NOTHING to distinguish the Lucha Dragons and have actually limited them a lot compared to what I’ve seen them do in NXT.
Now as for the Rumble match itself this is probably the most hyped Rumble match in two years. I think it was a great idea for Creative to put Reigns in the Rumble, with his title on the line as it gives the Rumble match a completely different story and the whole Reigns/Vince story comes at a time when it closely resembles Austin/McMahon around the Royal Rumble 99. Now hopefully this won’t be a disaster like this one but who knows? I think the main problem with this match is the prospect of taking the belt off of Reigns. If you don’t do it, well that’s pretty lame considering that the entire point of the Rumble is to push someone who ISN’T champion. But if you take it off him it feels like they’re just using the title as an Angle Advancement and whoever is wearing it is just keeping it warm for Reigns till Mania. I think the way to fix this was to have Reigns win at Survivor Series, have Sheamus cash in, and Reigns just knock him out. That way you could have Reigns losing the belt seen as more acceptable because he would’ve had it since November. Instead he’s just going to be a what… two.. three week champion?
Anyway, on to the show..
I really wish I could do an Iliad unnecessary description for Roman Reigns. Something like Roman Reigns, the great warrior who is of the same blood of the Great Hollywood God Dwayne Johnson, who controls the domain of Hades as the Gods call it but men call it Hollywood.
1st Match: Dean Ambrose (C) vs Kevin Owens for the IC Title in a Last Man Standing Match
I completely forgot this match was on the show, should be good. Owens backs Ambrose up in the corner, Owens goes for a whip but Ambrose tries to block and Owens yells, “NOPE, you’re going my way!” Great! Ambrose sends Owens to the outside with a bulldog and hits a plancha to the outside. Ambrose picks up an iPhone and looks up Rollins dick pics just to kill some time…
Ambrose goes after Owens with a Kendo stick but Owens sends him through the barricade with the fat splash deal. This match has been FAST paced, hard to keep up with everything. Owens grabs the kendo stick and NAILS Ambrose with it. Then Owens break the stick in two pieces and stabs Ambrose in the stomach with it! Sick! Owens with a senton. Back outside and Owens throws Ambrose into the barricade. Owens pulls out a bunch of chairs, and then gets pretty comfy sitting in one and laying his feet in the other. Pretty sweet. Owens tries to powerbomb Ambrose through two chairs but Ambrose doesn’t want to take that shit and backdrops Owens through the chairs. Ambrose with a suicida but Owens catches him and slams Ambrose into the steps!
Charles Robinson does not fuck around with these counts, most refs take about a minute to count to five but not Lil Naitch. Owens sets up two tables on top of each other and the whole time there is some OBNOXIOUS ass fan just shouting dumb shit at Owens. “AYE YOUR TATTOO LOOKS LIKE THE ROCKS!!” Shut the fuck up you cocksucker! KO goes for the pop up powerbomb but Ambrose ranas out of it and hits Owens with the AC DC Song. Owens gets up at eight and I am SERIOUS, Robinson is counting fast, not 1…. 2….. 3… but 1, 2, 3 if you catch my drift. Ambrose with another AC DC Song on a chair this time. Owens rolls to the outside and uses the ropes to hold himself up. Fans start up a Fight Owens chant.
Ambrose sets up a table by the commentators table…. BRO YOU HAVE THREE GODDAMN TABLES RIGHT NEXT TO YOU!!! Why the fuck would you set up another one!? Anyway, Ambrose puts Owens through the table with an elbowdrop and both guys are down. Both guys are up. Both guys are left. Both guys are right. Both guys like Chex Mix. Both guys banged Rene Young. Ambrose and Owens whisper to each other sweet nothings. JBL likes it.
Ambrose goes for a superplex but Owens reverses into a musclebuster through the table! Niceeeeeeeeeeee spot! Both guys back up… but Ambrose is down with a pop up powerbomb. Ambrose is up at nine and Owens is not happy. Owens grabs a chair and this might turn into Rock/Foley at the 99 Rumble if you catch my drift. Owens sets up like eight chairs and goes for… something but Ambrose throws Owens through the two tables stacked on top of each other and this is probably it….. Yup.
4.5/5.0 Really nice hardcore match with some badass intensity, some cool spots, and was about as hardcore as WWE can get in 2016. Great opening match.
So after this match the network froze on me so I decided instead of dealing with interruptions all night I’ll just plug the ethernet jack into the PS3 and run the Network through that. So OF FUCKING COURSE IT NEEDS TO DO THESE LENGTHY ASS UPDATES THAT TAKE FOREVER just so I can sign into my PSN account. Fucking Sony, the cocksuckers and WWE Network, white trash bullshit!
Was busy eating dinner and missed the New Day match, I mean I love the New Day but New Day vs Uso’s AGAIN!??
3rd Match: Del Rio vs Kalisto for the US Title
JBL says Mysterio and Kalisto are both annoying little pests. JBL says him and Del Rio talk about how much they love beating up small, masked luchadores. God, can you imagine that conversation happening?
JBL: I SURE LOVE BEATING UP THE SMALL GUYS!!!
Del Rio: Ci. You wanna go find some coke in one of my rented cars?
Kalisto tries to do some spinny shit and ends up eating a kick to the face from Del Rio. Royal Rumble 2016 is brought to you by Chex Mix! Man, they couldn’t even get any GOOD snacks to sponsor this show! Who the fuck eats Chex Mix?
I like Del Rio’s black and red attire, looks very cool, if they were tights it would look Benoit-y. Del Rio with a pretty nice inverted superplex. Kalisto botched some shit and almost got the win off it. Rio to the top but Kalisto crotches him…. Kalisto hits his finisher but Rio gets his foot on the rope. Kalisto goes for something off the apron but eats double knees and Rio gets two. Rio’s getting OLDSCHOOL heel as he takes off the top turnbuckle. Del Rio ends up hitting the exposed turnbuckle and Kalisto hits his finisher.
So from a kayfabe perspective, Del Rio beat Cena clean for the US Title. Kalisto beat Del Rio for the US Title clean. So Kalisto>Cena
3.5/5.0 Decent match, you can’t really go wrong with Del Rio in a long match. Nice to see their serious about pushing Kalisto.
Bill Cosby has been brought up on rape charges and Lawler still hasn’t!?
Paul Heyman walk into Stephanie’s… office I guess? Hyatte’s right, Stephanie is getting chunkier. God, Steph’s face….. she really isn’t aging well at all.
Edge/Christian show does look pretty funny.
Okay, what the fuck is going on with the Diva’s division? We had Paige, who was, while obnoxious, still a pretty good heel trying to put the seeds of doubt in Becky’s mind about Charlotte. Now Charlotte’s become a heel for no reason other than she’s Flair’s daughter and PAIGE IS A FUCKING FACE FOR NO GODDAMN REASON!!! And Becky Lynch is the biggest face we have on the Diva’s division now? And Sasha Banks is injured… Jesus man, Diva’s Revolution is going down the damn drain!
4th Match: Becky Lynch vs Charlotte w/ Daddy Flair (C) for the Women’s Championship
Becky was beating up Charlotte on the outside and RIC FUCKING FLAIR KISSED BECKY ON THE LIPS!!!! That is the greatest and worst thing I’ve ever seen. See Flair’s not going to beat up a woman…. on TV.
Some stuff happened and then Becky got distracted by Ric Flair’s slick attire and Charlotte took her out with a spear.
3.0/5.0 Decent match but it seemed incredibly rushed…. AND OH SHIT ITS SASHA BANKS!!!
Goddamn Sasha is fine. Dat ass is phat yo. She beats up Becky because she can. Sasha and Charlotte are tight yo! She wants a shot at Charlotte’s title and SWERVE!!! Backbreaker into the Bank Statement. Her finisher just looks BRUTAL, looks like she’s twisting her opponent in half. Man, I just need Sasha’s ass riding my dick… Guess who’s playing with the anal fleshlight tonight!?? PORNHUB BABYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Forced lesbian anal strapon porn for days!!!
Oh and Sasha vs Charlotte at Mania should be pretty good too. Love that they turned Sasha face as the fans want to cheer her anyway but she still has the bitchy heel personality ala her attacking Becky. Well done segment.
WHERE’S CHRIS BENOIT IN THE RUMBLE FACTS VIDEO!???
I’m really hoping Trips wins the Rumble this year, I need that five points up so I can get up to the top ten in the roundtable. C’MON VEGAS ODDS, DON’T LET MY DOWN BABYYYY!!!!
ROM-AN REI-GNS!!! ROMAN REEEEIGNSSSSS ROMAN REIGNSSSSSSS ROMAAAN REIGNSSSSS is number one and YOUR WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ROMAN BY GOD REIGNS!!! Can Roman Reigns overcome the odds!??? CAN HE OVERCOME THE LIKES OF BROCK LESNAR AND CHRIS JERICHO!!?? So many questions, I’m going to have a damn heart attack!!!! I think I just pissed myself! ITS ROMAN REIGNS!!! ITS FOR THE TITLE BABY!!!!!
Number two is Rusev AND LANA’S NOT EVEN COMING TO THE RING WITH HIM!!! THAT BITCH!!! Trips probably wants to hit it before coming in to win the whole thing. Reigns goes foe a Samoan drop but Rusev weighs too much. Rusev tries to eliminate Reigns right away BUT HE’S ROMAN REIGNS!!! so Reigns fights out of it. Rusev sends Reigns through the second rope and thinks he’s eliminated him. Reigns comes back in, spears Rusev and throws him out. Nice. HOLY FUCKING SHIT ITS AJ STYLES!!!!
This is some cool, cool shit! Styles goes for the Styles Clash but Reigns reverses with the Samoan drop and its time for Tyler Breeze. Reigns just looks like… annoyed at Tyler Breeze’s existence. Breeze goes for Reigns and tries to eliminate and the fans don’t give a shit about Reigns but they ARE chanting like crazy for Styles. Styles and Reigns team up to take out Breeze. Lame. Its the Job Squad baby!!!! And Curtis Axel is number five!
Axel is pumped!!! Axel takes Styles and Reigns down on his lonesome! Reigns comes back and tries to eliminate Curtis but the Job Squad gets involved. Reigns and Styles take care of the Job Squad and eliminate Curtis. Poor Curtis. AND ITS Y2J BABY!!!!!!
Reigns goes for a spear on Jericho but eats the post. Styles and Jericho now and this is pretty damn sweet. Styles looking for the Styles Clash but Jericho reverses into almost the walls but Reigns takes down Jericho with a punch. Kane coming in. They’re keeping the pacing in this Rumble really, really well. Golddust in next and Kane has taken everyone else out. Golddust with punches and a bulldog. This is starting to feel incredibly Attitude Era with Jericho, Golddust, and Kane in there.
Ryback next to HUGE boos. Fuck Ryback. I wish wrestling fans weren’t so goddamn sheepish to boo Ryback and then five seconds later DO HIS STUPID FUCKING CATCHPHRASE, YOU GODDAMN IDIOTS!!!
Goldust is beating up Roman Reigns in the corner which is just… weird. Kingston in next meaning my wish about the New Day being in the Rumble has at least partially come true. Kofi goes after Reigns and tries to eliminate him in the corner. WWE’s TOO BUSY WITH A REPLAY OF RYBACK AND THEY MISS A COOL SPOT FROM STYLES!!! Fucking Kevin Dunn, fucking that replay button. Titus O’Neil in, yeah babyyyy, Titus! Titus hits Jericho and Styls with backbreakers. Titus eliminates Goldust. Its R-Truth at 12 which is just kinda sad… Truth brings a ladder in the ring which is… kind of cool. Truth goes up to the top and I guess he thought it was a ladder match or something stupid. Kane eliminates him. Being R-Truth must be depressing man…
Kane throws Kofi over the top but Big E catches Kofi on his shoulders and the New Day dance around the ring in a pretty funny spot. Lucky number 13 is Harper. Vince comes out with the League of Nations and they pull Reigns out under the bottom rope. They beat the shit out of Reigns… 14 is Stardust and I need a Winston. Rusev splashes Reigns through a table and Reigns looks dead. Holy shit this is 1999 all over again!!!! Reigns, the number one entrant got taken out outside of the ring but wasn’t eliminated. So obvious that he’s going to come back at the end of this match and actually have an advantage because he’s not going to have to compete in the entire match!
STRAUMAN COMES IN AND ELIMINATES KANE AND THE BIG SHOW IN LESS THEN FIVE FUCKING MINUTES!!! Holy shit!!!! Kevin Owens comes out looking FUCKED OFF but he’s so badass he doesn’t give a shit. OWENS ELIMINATES AJ STLYES WITH A SUPERKICK AND MAKES FUN OF HIS TAUNT!!!! Kevin Owens is the fucking man!!!
My hometown is pissed about Styles being eliminated, get over it you pussies KEVIN FUCKING OWENS IS IN THERE!!! And Ambrose is up next at 17! This has been a damn good Rumble so far! Ambrose goes right after Owens and stomps a mudhole in him. Stardust and Owens team up on Ambrose… if Wyatt comes in soon his chances are looking pretty damn good considering Strauman and Harper are in there. Sami Zayn is 20 and Owens looks PISSED! Zayn with a shitload of punches to Owens. Zayn throws Owens over the top. God dammit!
Rowan in and the Hyatt Family just dominates for the next couple minutes. Mark Henry is 22. Henry tries to fight off the Wyatt Family but eats a scoop slam from Strauman and the Family throw him out. Strauman throw out Zayn and now its just Jericho and Ambrose against the Wyatts. BUT ITS SUPLEX CITY TIME BABYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Brock in and he’s still fuming about being attacked Monday. Lesnar takes Strauman down with some punches…. and the Network is freezing up BIG TIME right now. God fucking dammit. Lesnar eliminates Rowan. German to Harper! Lesnar tries for a German on Strauman but Strauman’s getting a Kozlov push so its not happening. Lesnar takes him down with a clothesline and its Jack Swagger. I really miss Swagger’s old theme. ON YO KNEES!!! Lesnar F5’s Swagger and throws him out in 15 seconds. So if you watched that pre-show match you wasted your time basically.
Miz is 25 and dear God I hope Lesnar kills him. Miz decides to puss out and give us some obnoxious commentary. Brock eliminates Harper and its Del Rio time! Del Rio and Ambrose team up on Lesnar… weirdest team up. Lesnar throws them both around and then eliminates Strauman with a clothesline. Jericho and Lesnar go at it and Bray Wyatt’s coming in. The Wyatt Family come back in and attack Lesnar. Lesnar gets rid of the whole family by himself and now turns his attention to Bray. German to Bray and Lesnar goes for the F5 but Harper breaks it up with a superkick. Sister Abigail to Lesnar AND THE WYATT FAMILY ELIMINATES LESNAR!!! That is some horseshit… but its smarter than fuck. I’m honestly surprised that Lesnar doesn’t throw a fit and throw out Bray. Lesnar/Bray at Mania is what its looking like.
Miz finally decides to get into the ring. Miz beats up Ziggler and a wasted Jericho. Ambrose has been in the Rumble for a WHILE! Sheamus is 29 BUT ITS ROMAN REIGNS to HUGE boos! God, that is the cheapest way to win the Rumble. Florida is not happy about this shit and rightfully so. Reigns is taking out everyone and the crowd HATES it. 30 is coming out… PLEASE BE TRIPS!!!! IT IS ITS TRIPLE FUCKING H!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS THE GAME!!!! THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN!!!! THE KING OF KINGS!!!! THE GAME!!!!! TRIPLE H!!! HUNTER HEARST HELMSELY!!!! THE ENFORCER!!! THE NATURE BOY!!!! PAUL LEVESUQE!!!!
I’m so winning those five points. Trips comes in there, pedigrees Ziggler so he can continue his statedown with Reigns. My hometown HATES Roman Reigns. Trips and Reigns with punches, cheers for Trips, boos for Reigns. Trips goes for the Pedigreee but Reigns fights out of it. Sheamus is in and almost gets Reigns out. Jericho does that great missle dropkick springboard deal and Reigns still holds on. Trips and Wyatt have a staredown…… Trips tries to team up with him to take out Reigns but Wyatt wants Trips. Wyatt ALMOST nails Trips with the Sister Abigail but Sheamus stops it with a Brouge Kick. Wyatt out. Jericho with an enzguiri to Reigns. Jericho reverses a pedigree attempt by Trips and makes Trips eat a Codebreaker…. Jericho stops to yell C’MON BABY and Ambrose throws him out! Jericho was in there for almost an hour! Jericho was great in this and I’m surprised that Ambrose is in the final four instead of him honestly.
Reigns eliminates Sheamus BUT TRIPS THROWS REIGNS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND ITS AMBROSE AND TRIPLE H!!!! Holy shit!!!!!!!!! I’m getting those five points baby!!!!!
Ambrose with punches but eats the facebuster… Ambrose comes bouncing back with a clothesline. Ambrose does a line of coke and smokes some crack to get himself energized…. Ambrose throws Trips over the top but Trips holds on AND THROWS AMBROSE OVER THE TOP TO WIN!!!! YES YES YES!!!! ITS THE GAME MOTHAFUCKA!!!!
Final Thoughts: I am so goddamn happy right now, THE GAME won the Rumble! I think what’s funny about this is that me and my friend Nick have gotten really into Trips in the last two years just watching his old stuff and how his gimmick was basically that he was a piece of shit with long feathered hair and who chewed bubblegum, buried everyone else, constantly was champion, and would dismissively call midcarders trying to get over hotshot and tell them, “Sorry kid.” I just can’t put into words how great it is that Triple H, TRIPLE FUCKING H won the WWE Title in 2016. Its going to put the net into a goddamn pissy fit, we’re going to see even MORE Triple H on Raw then we usually do AND he’s probably not even going to defend the title until Mania. That is the most absolute dick thing WWE could’ve done and they did it… and its made me so, so happy.
Great Rumble this year by the way, the pace was frantic and well done. The surprise entrants were cool and the way people were eliminated made sense from the stories they’re in. And to top it off you have a great first match and a bunch of decent midcard matches. This show was top notch, best Rumble event since oh, 2004.
Tags: Royal Rumble 2016, Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy, WWE