It’s me, motherfuckers: your cheerful and only a little drunk reviewer. And, with that being said, let’s get our SmackDown on.
As the entire internet orgasms
Things kick off with Chris Jericho: usually a promising start. He’s here to face AJ Styles, because sometimes good things happen to good people. On Miz TV, Miz’s reputation as everyone’s bitch was firmly established, and I hope to hell that doesn’t mean we’re getting a fuck finish here. Right now, however, Jericho’s here to talk. He’s excited for his rematch, and whilst he respects AJ Styles, he doesn’t like the guy. And we’re still doing the whole ‘AJ’s not proved himself yet’ thing. Because we all watch WWE for the quality of the wrestling.
AJ makes his way out to the ring, looking pumped, and we’re getting this underway…
…oh, for fuck’s sake, the Social Outcasts show up. Literally get fucked right now, guys: nobody wants to see this. Heath talks trash in his hick-ass accent, and then it devolves into Adam Rose and Curtis Axel arguing about their nickname (let it be known that Axel’s suggestion of ‘Axel Rose’ was a damn good idea). Jericho tries to shut them down, but Heath don’t take too kindly to that. He gets into Y2J’s face, and Chris bops him in the head with the mic.
A brawl breaks out, with Jericho and Styles clearing the ring before Chris issues a challenge to the Social Outcasts for after the break.
When we come back, Jericho shoots Axel off the ropes, getting run over. Axel runs back into a dropkick before Jericho tags in Styles, who hits a way better dropkick. He tags in Jericho, who hits a snapmare and a kick to the back; Styles tags in to hit a way better kick, then a snapmare, then tags Chris back in. Delayed vertical suplex from Jericho, and AJ repeats it with a snap variant. They then compete with chops before hitting a double chop to the chest.
As the pair of them are distracted by all of the totes heterosexual tension going on, Axel manages to tag out, and Rose takes Styles down with a sneak attack. Heath hits a cheap shot, and Rose runs a bunch of clotheslines into AJ before tagging in Axel, who hits a neck-snap before applying a sleeper. Styles escapes, ducking a clothesline and hitting a Pele Kick!
Rose tags in, trying to knock Jericho off the apron, but Jericho jumps down to the floor, and tags himself in once Styles deals with Rose. Chops to Rose, who flings Jericho over the top rope; Y2J heads up to the top, hitting a double axe-handle, then a springboard dropkick to Slater, followed by a Lionsault to Rose! Styles gets the blind tag, and he springboards over Jericho to hit his big elbow, pinning Rose.
This was fun: solid way to show the tension, and both guys were able to advertise for later. 2.5 Stars.
Jericho waits for a few seconds before delivering a Codebreaker to AJ and walking out. Hey, we’re still getting the match: he can do whatever.
We take a moment to remember the Wrestling Jesus that was Daniel Bryan. Man, talk about the candle which burns the brightest. And, despite all the comments, I really don’t think his hair looked that bad.
We then replay the contract signing between Lesnar, Reigns and Ambrose. You might have noticed that I’m not meeting RAW recaps with my usual ire, and that’s because I’ve been gradually moving into and furnishing my new apartment despite the withered incompetency that is my fellow man. So, it’s quite nice to check this stuff out.
Also, props to Dean for getting an F-5 and deciding that he’d honestly enjoy a fight with Lesnar: this was some Passion of the Christ shit, and Ambrose wasn’t even getting destroyed for our sins. I think the not-getting-put-down combined with the low blow was a wonderful way to prove that Dean’s not going to be inconsequential in this match: CM Punk had almost no offence in the run-up to his Lesnar fight, and we all believed he could do it.
Wait.
Wait.
Wait the fuck up.
Brock Lesnar. Is appearing. Next week.
On SmackDown.
Holy actual shit: black is white, up is down, purple is some weird shade of green. I’ve been making jokes, pleas and threats about this for years now, and I never thought that it would ever actually happen. I mean…
God, I think I actually need a moment.
Alright, I think I passed out there for a while, and I’m absolutely not certain that this isn’t some mad, absinthe-induced hallucination. I’m unsure of literally every single thing in this world.
Am I married?
Anyway, now there’s a bunch of tables around the ring, and Dudleys show up. They’re heels now, on account of the fact they can’t win any matches. I mean…it’s a fair motive, as WWE motives go. Bubba Ray gets on the microphone and whines about how a heel turn by two has-beens was overshadowed by Daniel Bryan retiring for our sins. The Dudleys are sick and tired of lots of things, and there’s an old-person joke in there somewhere.
Bubba says that they’re only remembered for their tables, and so there aren’t going to be tables anymore. What’s next: is Jeff Hardy going to stop getting high off his tits? The ring crew clear most of the tables away, as the Dudleys take the last one off with them. Well, I’m underwhelmed, which may as well be a review of the Dudleys’ latest run.
Like a Boss
Here’s Becky Lynch, who’s going to be on commentary as we watch Sasha vs. Naomi. Well, I understand about one in three words of what that gal says, so this should be fun. Naomi and Sasha get to the ring, and Naomi starts off with a kick to the gut, staying on Sasha until Banks reverses with a Thesz press. Sasha throws Naomi into turnbuckles, then hits a huge slap to the face.
Sasha stalks Naomi, trying to throw her into another turnbuckle, but Naomi reverses it. She catches Banks with a back elbow, but Sasha manages to gain control with a hard forearm, stomping on Naomi from the second rope. Tamina grabs Naomi, hauling her out of the ring as we go to a commercial.
When we come back, Naomi just misses a roundhouse kick; Sasha goes for a pin, which Naomi reverses into a pin of her own. There are a few pinning combinations, both women exchanging near-falls, until Naomi catches Sasha with a dropkick. Sasha still throws her out of the ring, but Tamina and Naomi work together to drag her off the ring apron, jarring the Boss’s back hard.
Naomi continues the mugging on the outside before tossing Sasha inside for a near-fall. Back suplex from Naomi drops Sasha, and Naomi stomps on her head before hitting a hard lariat. Sasha starts coming back, but Naomi hits the fucking dictionary definition of a flurry of kicks before putting Sasha down with a huge enzuigiri: holy shit. Rear chinlock’s applied to Sasha.
Naomi breaks the chinlock, sending Sasha off the ropes, but the Boss comes up with a tilt-a-whirl headscissors to put both women down on the mat. The ref begins the count, and both of them beat it, and Sasha hits a load of forearms; Naomi scores with a clothesline, but Sasha can’t be stopped, hitting Sasha with a barrage of strikes from every direction.
Sasha hits Naomi with a boot to the stomach, but a trip from Tamina allows Naomi to catch Sasha, driving her head right into the mat, but Banks somehow kicks out! Becky tries to start some shit with Tamina on the outside, who fucking mauls her for her trouble: it’s not looking like a great week for Becky.
Back in the ring, Naomi…goes for a split-legged moonsault?! Naomi is officially ripping off the less-stonerish aspects of Rob Van Dam, and I am way beyond fine with that. Sasha moves out of the way, and then suddenly dashes out of the ring and wrecks Tamina’s shit! She heads back into the ring, almost gets rolled up, but turns it into the Banks Statement for the win!
Well, if you weren’t already sold on Sasha vs. Charlotte for WrestleMania, I can’t help but imagine this match helped out with that a little. But, honestly, this was even more about Naomi reminding people that she is a serious contender too. Then again, every Diva on the main show is, I suppose. Except Tamina. 3 Stars.
JoJo is backstage, and it’s time for AJ Styles to loom majestically over her: he really is one of the roster now. She asks him about the last hour or so, and wants to know what he thinks the message in that Codebreaker was. Well, I guess it was something along the lines of ‘fuck you, AJ Styles’. Styles says he knows that Chris is trying to make him angry but, honestly, he’s just going to kick his ass tonight anyway.
Here are the Wyatts, and it looks like Bray’s here, even though Bo wasn’t earlier. What, did Blackjack always love Bo slightly more? Does having a match against Lesnar at WrestleMania not allow you to spend time at your Grandfather’s bedside?
We see a promo for all the guys that the Wyatts have taken down: nothing on their creepy debut stuff, but with the music and the editing, it looks pretty damn good, and makes the Wyatts look even more dominating than they have been. I always feel like the guys who make these things for WWE never get the admiration they deserve: they manage to make the stuff I mock and disparage look genuinely badass.
Bray gets on the microphone and talks about how men never come home from war; only ashes come back. He talks to us about the original Greek Titans mythology, and how Zeus kicked some Titan ass and became King of the Gods (which is, like, the absolute top of any chain of command). And that’s who Bray is: Bray’s Zeus. And he and the Wyatts are going to hunt down and slay every Titan in the WWE, because it’s time there was a new generation of Gods. Wow, they just gave Bray a motive: he’s not had one of those for years. Also, it’s a pretty sweet motive: Bray Wyatt, Monster Hunter.
Harper gets the mic, and says that the Wyatt Family, together, can turn Titans mortal. Rowan says that resistance is futile, and everyone needs to accept their fate. And then Stroman says ‘BoiwjfqpOFWPEFOWOEFQPWODKOJOopijfeoij’. Actually, he says something creepy about the earth shaking and darkness falling, but I swear I have some sort of cognitive dissonance which prevents me from hearing anything intelligible from that face.
Wyatt gets back on the microphone, before Stroman fucks and eats it, and calls himself the Angel of the Dirt, and the Eater of Worlds, and says that the war against the Gods has only just begun. Well, it might be jumping the gun, but I think I’m going to be cautiously optimistic as to this new chapter in the Wyatts’ story. And, to be honest, turning ancient mythology into a modern day motivation in professional wrestling isn’t something we see enough of, although I’m now holding out for either Beowulf or Ragnarök.
Oh God, the comics are back
Oh fuck: it;s a six-man tag match involving Stardust, the Ascension, Neville and the Lucha Dragons. I miss Titus O’Neil already because, if nothing else, he was a barrier to this kind of thing. Someone at Pulse who isn’t me needs to do some hardboiled, 1930s-style investigation into the real reason he got suspended. And then pin the blame on Lawler.
The match starts off with Stardust and the Ascension jumping Neville and the Dragons and knocking them out of the ring, presumably in attempt to not have to wrestle this match: another fair motivation. Neville is left in the ring, and Stardust immediately goes on the attack, then tags in Konor for some stomps. He brings in Viktor, and they hit their clothesline/high knee double team.
Neville suddenly tries to catch Viktor in a roll-up, but the Ascension member kicks out. Neville then hits him with an enzuigiri, making the tag to Kalisto as Konor also tags in. Kalisto beans Konor in the head with a kick, then springboards onto him into a seated senton. Corkscrew moonsault to Konor, then a tilt-a-whirl headscissors to Viktor, with Sin Cara low-bridging him out of the ring.
Kalisto dropkicks Stardust’s legs out from under him, and then Sin Cara helps fling Kalisto at him, before both Lucha Dragons dive through the ropes onto Stardust and Viktor! Kalisto rolls back in the ring, and gets caught by Konor, who goes for the Razor’s Edge. Kalisto slides out, and tags Sin Cara in. Kalisto hits a handspring roundhouse; Sin Cara hits another roundhouse, sending Konor reeling into the Salida Del Sol. Sin Cara hits a moonsault, and then Neville hits a Red Arrow for the win!
Pretty high spot-ish match, but definitely the best option for this portion of the card: entertaining, and way better than a comedy match. 2.5 Stars.
We get a touching video tribute to Daniel Bryan, and whilst it really does suck that someone so talented and entertaining was with the company for so short a time, at least we had WrestleMania XXX. And, if there’s a lesson in any of this, it’s that WWE needs to keep up the investment in stars like Rollins, Ambrose, Neville, Styles, Cesaro and many more, because God knows how long they can live this lifestyle, and it’d be a hell of a shame if they never got the mainstream acclaim and recognition that Bryan got. Let’s face it: it takes a special kind of maniac to trade in their health and quality of life in their old age to be a famous professional wrestler.
The match so nice, they made it twice
And, in another fitting tribute to Daniel Bryan and the match quality he brought with him, it’s Styles vs. Jericho. Jericho shows up first, followed by AJ, who looks pretty amped up for this one.
Bell rings, and here we go. Slow approach by both men, followed by a tie-up. Jericho backs Styles in the corner, and neither man is willing to release the hold. Styles finally shoots Chris off the ropes; Jericho knocks him down with a shoulder tackle and then takes him over with a headlock, keeping him on the mat with the hold locked in.
Styles works his way back to his feet, shooting Jericho back off the ropes; he leapfrogs over Jericho this time, drops down for the next pass, and then hits a beautiful dropkick. Chop to the chest by Styles, and he hits the snap suplex: nice callbacks to their tag match from earlier. He then backs Y2J into a corner, and pops him right in the mouth. He Irish whips Jericho across the ring; Chris reverses it; Styles makes to leapfrog over him; Jericho catches him in a waistlock; Styles goes for a standing switch, but Jericho picks the leg, only for Styles to hit a hurricanrana from the floor!
Styles tries to stay on him, but Jericho still chops him right across the face, then slingshots him throat-first into the ropes. Suplex from Jericho, then a kick to the gut: another callback to the previous match. More chops to Styles in the corner; he sends Styles into the corner, runs into a boot which puts Styles on the apron, ducks a clothesline and is able to springboard-dropkick AJ right out onto the floor and into a commercial break.
When we come back, Jericho has a sleeper locked in. Styles elbows his way out of it, but comes off the ropes right into a back elbow to the throat. Jericho tries to follow up with a bulldog, but Styles throws him right into a corner! AJ hits strikes, snapmares Jericho and hits a running forearm before lacing Y2J with punches. He misses another elbow, and Jericho capitalises quickly with a running dropkick. Whip/clothesline into the corner, and Jericho heads up to the second rope. AJ catches him, however, hitting a Pele kick to Jericho’s skull!
Jericho’s down, but kicks out at two. Styles sends him off, the ropes, but Jericho suddenly catches him with a butterfly suplex into a backbreaker, and then goes for the Walls! Styles spins out of it, hits some strikes, but Y2J nails him with a step-up enzuigiri for two!
Chris heads up to the top rope this time, coming off with an axe-handle, but Styles stops him with another dropkick! Both men take their time getting to their feet, but both reach them throwing punches. Styles tries to catch Jericho with a dropkick as Y2J comes off the ropes, but Jericho holds on, and hits the Lionsault for a near-fall!
Chris throws some punches to a prone Styles, but suddenly gets lifted into a fireman’s carry, which Styles turns into a back/neckbreaker! Jericho just gets the shoulder up, and Styles gets Chris up for the Styles Clash, but Chris counters, turning him into the Walls of Jericho in the centre of the ring! Styles crawls across the mat, only for Jericho to drag him back, but AJ turns himself back over, hitting punches to the face, until he’s able to fully counter into the Calf Crusher! Jericho’s even further from the ropes than Styles was, and is on the verge of tapping, but is able to turn himself around and grab the bottom rope!
Styles gets up, hitting a baseball slide to Jericho, sending him out to the outside, then hits the slingshot forearm to put Chris down again. He throws Jericho back into the ring, then goes for the slingshot forearm again, but Jericho is able to push the ropes, hanging Styles up on them! Jericho goes for the cover, but his legs are under the ropes; he throws AJ hard into the corner, and Styles staggers out into a Codebreaker for the three!
What a fucking match. I was terrified we were going to see some interference, but that was, basically, perfect. And, for I think the third time ever, I’m going to give a match 5 Stars. Absolutely perfect.
Honestly, that was one of the best episodes of SmackDown I’ve seen in a long time. Phenomenal main event, with a great teaser for it at the start, combined with a damn good Divas match, then a filler match which made great use of Neville, Sin Cara and Kalisto and, to top it off, we got a genuinely good promo from Wyatt, plus a hell of a motive to carry him forward for, really, a fair few months. Everything fit nicely together with this episode, and I’ve got to give it 10/10.
