Hey there, folks. This is David Spain here with your weekly edition of the SmackDown Report. I’m still reeling from the fact that WrestleMania wasn’t the immense let-down most of us were probably banking on. I mean, let’s face it: the Reigns/Triple H match was never not going to be that lame, but everyone else pulled it together and made a decent show. I ended up watching it on Tuesday night, having spent two days avoiding every single spoiler, with a pepperoni pizza and most of a bottle of wine, and I really enjoyed myself for the most part. So I’ll call that a win.
But all that’s old news, and we have a bunch of new faces from NXT, plus a new WWE World Heavyweight Championship number one contender, so there’s a whole lot of new stuff to talk about.
So hey: SmackDown!
Here’s Roman Reigns, ready to either continue his gradual heel turn or to pretend that we all love him, like the fucking dick that he is. King still hates him, which puts me in an awkward position morally; if that Memphis son of a bitch likes Heel!Roman, I’ll have no idea what to do.
Roman gets on the microphone, which is absolutely a heel move, and says that he beat the Authority at WrestleMania. He says that everyone wants the Championship, and it doesn’t make a difference what people think of him, because he’s the guy. And he’s going to beat AJ Styles next, and this brings Styles himself out. Oh, and King hates him too. At least I know where I stand there.
Massive AJ Styles chant, which leads to a little support for Reigns. Styles says he wanted to congratulate Roman, and then shakes his hand. But, he says, he had a heck of a Monday Night RAW. AJ says that he’s been all over the world and has fought a lot of people, and if he has to beat the guy, then he’ll do it. Reigns seems game for a scrap at the PPV, and says that Styles has never beaten him, and never will. Cocky, confident Roman is best Roman. Makes me wonder if making him a face in that vein could have worked; far too late now, of course.
I might be way too into the Vaudevillains
Here are the Lucha Dragons. Kalisto is still the United States Champion: something you’ll only know if you watched the pre-show. And they’re facing…the Vaudevillains! Holy shit, this is absolutely the greatest entrance ever, along with the greatest moustache ever. I’m sold on the Vaudevillains from now until the end of time.
Aiden English starts things off with Sin Cara. Headlock from the Dragon; he’s shot off the ropes and hits the tackle. Both men run the ropes again, with Sin Cara hitting a backdrop. He tags in Kalisto for the monkey flip/450 splash, and Kalisto tags Sin Cara back in. Chops to English’s chest on the ropes and in the corner. Blind tag from Gotch, who catches Sin Cara with a knee right to the mask.
Gotch pounds on Sin Cara, hitting an uppercut, and tags English in for some amazing double team offence. Oh my God, Gotch knows Bartitsu: the Victorian/Edwardian martial art. This is all so wonderful and perfect. Chinlock from English, keeping Sin Cara grounded. He then strikes a MANLY POSE before running into a pair of boots from Sin Cara. The Lucha Dragon hits an armdrag; Gotch gets the tag, but so does Kalisto!
Kalisto springboards over Gotch, hitting a springboard corkscrew. He rolls Gotch up, hitting a roundhouse kick for two. Sin Cara dispatches English, getting baseball-slided by Gotch. Kalisto almost hits Salida Del Sol, but English tags himself in, shoving Kalisto down to the mat. They hit a double team called the Whirling Dervish (European uppercut into a running neckbreaker) and that gets the win.
I love the Vaudevillains for potentially limitless reasons. The match was fair enough; I’m surprised that they fed the US Champion to a debuting team. 2.5 Stars.
Recap of the Rise and Fall of Zack Ryder. So now the Miz is our Intercontinental Champion, because God knows that’s interesting. Oh, and Maryse is back. There’s just so much stuff going on that I don’t care about right now.
A new dawn for women in wrestling, but Summer Rae’s still here
Speaking of stuff I don’t care about: it’s Summer Rae. Oh, but she’s facing Natalya, with Charlotte and Ric at ringside. That new championship is fantastic: I love the direct parallel to the male one, and I hope to God it’s going to mean something. And, considering that the first feud of the title is Natalya vs. Charlotte, I’m feeling optimistic.
Nat immediately rolls Summer up, transitioning into a waistlock. Summer counters, is out-wrestled by Natalya, and is sent into a corner. Nat hits an atomic block variation, and Summer slaps her before throwing her into the ropes, and dumping her on the outside. Snap suplex on the outside from Summer Rae.
Back in the ring, Summer kicks away at Natalya, getting a two-count with a pin. Spinning kick gets another two, but Natalya catches a second one, locking in the Sharpshooter. Summer taps instantly as Charlotte looks on.
Simple and to the point. Looking forward to this match. 2 Stars.
We get a RAW Rebound, which also shows WrestleMania, making it a flashback within a flashback. It shows AJ Styles becoming the number one contender and the return of Cesaro.
It’s not WWE without a beautiful, foreign, female heel
And here’s Zack Ryder, here to gain back the modicum of prestige he won at WrestleMania and lost about twenty-four hours later. It’s like he doesn’t know better by now. And Maryse gets her own entrance, which I suppose is a thing now. She’s here to introduce the Miz, so she’s like a French Lana. Also, I’d forgotten how odd her voice was. Also-also, I’d forgotten that she and the Miz were married. I mean…Miz has to have the most beautiful soul in the entire world. Or he gathered the Dragon Balls.
This match gets underway, and Miz gets sent off the ropes, taking Ryder down with a shoulder block. He hits a backbreaker, but almost gets pinned several times by Ryder before getting flapjacked. Ryder’s looking good in the ring; he gets sent over the top rope, but lands on the apron and vaults his way back over onto the Miz for two. Miz comes back with some knees to the gut, but Ryder rolls out of a back suplex. Miz clotheslines him out of the ring, but Ryder stays on the apron, low-bridges Miz out and hits a missile dropkick to the floor! It gets two back in the ring and we go to a break.
When we come back, Miz has just brought Ryder down hard from the top rope, and is working him over. Rear chinlock by Miz; Ryder hits a jawbreaker, but Miz comes back with his back/neckbreaker before stomping and choking Ryder on the ropes. Another chinlock from the Miz. Ryder fights back, taking a knee to the gut for his efforts. Suplex from the Miz, and Ryder lands on his feet, hitting a neckbreaker!
Both men slowly make their way to their feet, and then the Miz runs into a back elbow! Clothesline! Ryder heads up to the second rope, but leaps right into a sit-out powerbomb from the Miz for two! He charges Ryder, but runs into a boot; Ryder slingshots himself at Miz, but eats kneecap before Miz lays him out with a DDT for two!
Miz stalks Ryder as Long Island Iced Z regains his feet. Skull-Crushing Finale is blocked by Ryder, who hits a facebuster and an inverted DDT for a near-fall! Forearm to the corner by Ryder, but Miz avoids the Broski Boot; he tries to drag Ryder into the steel ring post, but Zack pulls Miz face-first into it, and then hits him with a wrecking ball dropkick through the ropes! Broski Boot against the barricade!
Back in the ring, Ryder heads up to the top, and hits the Elbro Drop! Miz kicks out! Miz hits a boot to the face, but Ryder beats Miz down in the corner. With the ref distracted, Maryse takes the turnbuckle pad off; Zack calls her out, and the referee goes to reattach it, allowing Miz to hit a thumb to the eye and a Skull-Crushing Finale to retain!
That was genuinely good. I love a back-and-forth match, which this was, and even the screwy finish was more complex than usual. Nice stuff. 3.5 Stars.
Crews Control
Here’s the Social Outcasts, sitting on the apron. They’re up against Apollo Crews, and decide to work out who’ll face him by doing rock, paper, scissors. Everyone throws scissors but Axel, who looks like he’s thrown paper, but claims he threw an axe, which always wins. Eight year old David would have totally allowed it. Actually, twenty-five year old David is pretty inclined to allow it too. And apparently everyone else is going to allow it, so it’s Axel vs. Crews.
Axel rolls out of the ring to start, and he and the Social Outcasts do a lap. When Axel comes back, Crews literally punches him out of the ring, firing him up. Crews backs him into a corner, then hits punches from the corner mount. The Outcasts provide a distraction, allowing Axel to get some shots in. Nice dropkick from the Axeman, but Apollo comes back with one of his own, following it up with a clothesline and a standing moonsault for two! Crews throws Axel into Heath Slater, then hits him with an enzuigiri, before hitting his spinning sit-out powerbomb for the win!
Loved this guy on RAW, and loved him here. Only problem was, a guy with so much to showcase really needed a longer match to do it in. But I imagine that’ll be corrected pretty soon. 2.5 Stars.
Some nerdy dude is backstage to interview Baron Corbin. He says the end of days is already here. King then mocks Byron for not having a manlier name, like Baron. Okay, first of all, Baron is a title, not a name. Secondly, Lord George Gordon Byron set the bar for that name so goddamn high that no name is more epic. And I use that word completely correctly, because Lord Motherfucking Byron wrote Don Juan, which was basically an epic. So fuck you, Jerry Lawler, and your lack of knowledge of one of the most badass poets in history.
Also, as Lawler is Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler, does that mean that Baron Corbin owes him fealty? What about Booker T or Wade Barrett? Whose vassal is Corbin, is what I’m trying to say. We ask the real questions here at the Spain SmackDown Report.
Renee Young is backstage to commiserate with Becky Lynch, because tapping out at WrestleMania is the sort of thing that makes you suicidal. Fucking gnarly eye wound that Becky’s sporting there. Becky says that she’ll be back in the title picture, and then Emma shows up, mocking her for being in WWE first. Okay, Emma? Would not brag about anything that happened back then.
And still no chainsaw
Here’s Dean Ambrose, looking completely uninjured. Which is fair, considering he only really took a bunch of suplexes and an F5. Brock was the one who took the huge amount of weapon shots and completely shrugged them off. Oh, and don’t advertise a fucking chainsaw as a weapon unless someone’s going to fucking use it. I’m not saying I wanted to see Brock’s arm get sawed off; it would have just been nice to see it get fired up and see Brock have a moment of ‘wait, what the fuck’s he going to do with that?’ Dean Ambrose grimly stalking Brock with a chainsaw (a fake chainsaw which just had the appearance of being real obviously) would have been a hell of a moment.
Diego and Fernando show up during a commercial break, and their new gimmick is…gardeners? Puerto Rican tourism representatives? Jobbers?
Dean Ambrose is facing Tyler Breeze, because why not. He chops away at Breeze, and then hits him with a back elbow. Breeze rolls out of a back suplex and kicks Dean in the side of the head. Ambrose is staggered, allowing Breeze to kick him around in the corner. Dean comes off the ropes from a dropkick, hits a Lunatic Lariat and then ends things with Dirty Deeds.
Short and effective: a reminder that Dean hasn’t immediately dropped back to normal. Nice move, WWE. 2 Stars.
Just do some variation of this match forever
Chris Jericho shows up right afterwards, and it’s always jarring when a guy comes back and hangs out as long as Jericho. Don’t get me wrong: I love it. I’m just too used to guys swinging by once every so often and getting out of dodge. Ambrose tries to have a stare-down, but Jericho doesn’t even look at him. Now that’s going to be a fun feud.
We take a break to watch Goldust and R-Truth being stupid. Holy crap: this actually went beyond WrestleMania. They should have paid the thing off at the Battle Royal for a funny, feel-good moment and boom: they’re a tag team.
Kevin Owens shows up, still selling a little from Sunday. He and Jericho seem to be on the same page: those two as a tag team would be the most entertaining thing ever. Here comes Cesaro, and is he going to strip before every match? Not complaining: just seems like a lot of work. And here’s your number one contender: AJ Styles.
Styles and Jericho lock up to start. Jericho runs the ropes, avoids a dropkick and runs right into a second. Cesaro tags in, and comes off the top to hit an axe-handle. Uppercut to Cesaro, and then he tags in Styles for a knee drop. Jericho rolls out of the ring, throwing a hissy fit. Owens joins him, tipping over the stairs in moral support: I fucking wish Punk and Owens had been here at the same time. Imagine the comedic potential.
Back from a break, Styles armdrags Jericho before tagging in Cesaro, who levels Chris with a clothesline. Chris gains the advantage with a chop to the chest, and he tags in Kevin Owens. Owens beats away at Cesaro, but then uses an uppercut; Cesaro answers it in kind, knocking Owens to the floor. Kevin makes the tag, but Cesaro fights off both men for a time, hitting the pair of them with uppercuts! He wants the Cesaro Swing, but both Jericho and Owens fight it off, before Y2J can send Cesaro out of the ring, with Owens smacking the Swiss Superman’s head off the announce table.
Jericho drops an elbow from the ring apron, and then vaults back into the ring on top of Cesaro. Tag to KO, who mocks Styles before hitting a clothesline to Cesaro. Chris tags in, hitting a suplex before busting out his old cocky cover. He locks Cesaro’s arms, but the Swiss Superman fights back, managing to catch Jericho with the Very European Uppercut! Cesaro throws Jericho out of the ring, but it means that Y2J can grab Styles, and pull him away from the tag!
Jericho tags in Owens, who misses the cannonball! AJ Styles is back on the apron, and Cesaro tags him in! Strikefest from Styles, then the forearm to the jaw! Corner clothesline to Owens and then the ushigoroshi to Jericho! Wheelbarrow sit-out facebuster to Owens for two! AJ wants the Styles Clash, but Owens flips him out of it. Owens dodges the springboard moonsault, getting two with a superkick! Kevin Owens gets him up in torture rack; Styles slides out and hits the Pele Kick! Owens distracts the referee, allowing Jericho to take AJ out, and then Owens hits the Package Powerbomb, only for Cesaro to break up the pin!
Jericho sends Cesaro out of the ring, and Cesaro uppercuts him into the timekeeper’s area. Owens wants the Pop-Up Powerbomb, but Zayn shows up, wanting some of Owens! Styles gets the schoolboy for the victory!
Great match with four incredible competitors. Like I said before: do this in some fashion every week, and it’d take a long time to get bored. 4 Stars.
Zayn and Owens brawl up the ramp, so I guess Owens has finally stopped ducking Sami. Zayn gets tossed into the steps, leaving him laying as security has to drag Owens away from his former friend.
Looks like everything’s going well as we move into the Wrestling New Year. We’ve got some great NXT talent coming through, plus some good feuds lining up for the next few months. Tonight seemed like a promise for the future; I can only hope that they follow through. 9/10.
