Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy 5.1.16
By Sebasian Howard
Yes, I’m finally back with a column. I know that most columnists ramp up their writings around Wrestlemania season but for me I’ve always felt the opposite. Wrestlemania season is when everyone is meticulously analyzing the shows, everyone and their Mother is going to tell you what they thought about Raw and EVERYONE and their pet will tell you about Wrestlemania. The problem for me is that everyone’s opinon starts to blend together, almost everyone has the exact same thing to say about wrestling or Wrestlemania. The IWC, as a community, are very bonded by our thoughts, columns and discussions so it feels like by the time we get to Wrestlemania we all have the same thing to say about the same show. Its no one’s fault really, the only blame we can really have is that there’s absoultely no real competition anymore to distract ourselves with so the IWC is almost entirely focused on the WWE and Wrestlemania. My point is that its very hard to distance yourself from all the other writers writing about the same subject, especially if your opinions are similar. And that’s exactly what happens in WM season so I sat this one out.
I am going to give out my thoughts on Wrestlemania here in a second but before I do that I want to throw some notes from my life in here. Mostly just been going to College, trying to keep my grades up. I am nervous about my English class, not because of my quality of work or anything but due to tardies. I live about twenty minutes away from Palm Beach State College and my ENC 1101 class starts at 12:30. I SHOULD be able to leave at 12 and still have time to get coffee, and get to class on time. However the traffic is so fucking jammed that I ended up getting a shitload of tardies doing that before Winter Break started. What’s obnoxious is that the tardies policy is completely fucking retarded, in College its completely up to the Professor what the tardies policy is. Some teachers are extremely strict about it, while others don’t care if you show up at all on a regular basis as long as you’re passing the tests.
Anyway, my English teacher falls into the first category and basically said she was going to fail me if I got another tardy and/or absence. So ever since then I’ve been leaving the house at 11:40, grabbing my coffee and getting to class early. However, this Monday I came down with a badass flu and couldn’t do anything but lay in bed. I dragged myself out of bed and went to class to turn my late work in and ask if I could make a speech presentation on George Orwell on Wensday instead of Monday. She said it was fine and allowed me to go home for the day. Problem is that on Wenseday I was still too fucking sick to go into class and had a fever of 101. So now I’m having some serious anxiety about whether she’s going to try to fail me for a missed class or have some fucking mercy and let me off since I was dying of the flu and legitimately couldn’t make it in. Guess I’ll find out Monday…
As for this past month, well April 7th was my birthday and I got fucked off with some friends. Large amounts of alcohol and cocaine make for a pretty good time, so it was a pretty good night. Been getting into Heroin lately, just snorting it of course, I fucking hate needles, and that shit will KNOCK you on your ass! Very relaxing pleasant drug honestly, kind of a stronger version of weed. The only really bad side effect I’ve had to deal with is naseua and the inability to pee while on it. Of course its not something I want to do a lot… don’t want to end up like one of those 90s junkies (Cobain, Brad Pitt). And talking about things you don’t want to too much of….
There’s going to be a Backlash at Extreme Rules which will end in someone getting Payback
Raw’s actually been pretty good lately due to the fact that The Authority’s been gone and Shane’s been in charge allowing for some story lines other than 20 minute long Trips and Steph promos and stacking the odds against whoever they don’t like. The atmosphere of the show has just felt a lot more free flowing and spontaneous, we’re not used to Shane being in charge so its very unpredictable what he’s going to do and also, it allows for a funner atmosphere as Shane comes across more as a fan who is also listening to the crowd. The feuds between Styles/Regins, Jericho/Ambrose and the flux of NXT people coming in have made Raw a fun show to sit through for the last month. There’s been a lot of hype for this show and its in Chicago so you know the crowds going to be into it. Let’s get to it….
New Day come out to cut a promo and watch the end of the tag tournament, Chicago loves them. No surprise there.
1st Match: Goddamn New Yorkers vs 1920’s Strongmen
Enzio Amori and Cass are over but there’s a healthy dose of boos in there. Well DUH, putting a bunch of stereotypical New Jersey/Italians in Chicago is going to get a bit of a heel heat. Enzo Amri looks exactly like the dude I worked with in Peggy Adams. He was this guy from Brooklyn, acted sterotypically New York and looked like a bald version of Enzo Amori. Swear to God, they could be brothers or something.
Okay, if Simon Gotch is going to be old school he can’t do his hair like a modern hipster trying to be punk. Cass in and he beats on English. New Day are filming the entire thing on their cellphone while eating pizza and popcorn. That’s pretty great. New Day eating pizza in Chicago made me want to make some Home Run Inn, which is pizza from CHICAGO!!! My favorite pizza, just some really good shit.
Anyway, Enzo Amori got injured in an apron spot and the match had to be stopped. That REALLY sucks because Enzo and Cass were just starting to get really over too and I don’t know if they can get that level of momentum back. Hope Enzo ends up being okay but what about Cass? The fuck is he supposed to do?
2nd Match: Sami Zayn vs Kevin Owens
I really love the video package for Owens/Zayn, I didn’t follow either guy in NXT or ROH so it does help to fill in some gaps but it also is just a really well produced video that highlights the anomisoty between the two men and really makes me want to see the match. I love how slimy Owens is here by the way, “Sami is the one making this personal, I’m the victim.” And then it cuts to him blind siding Zayn during an interview and powerbombing him through a table. Love it.
Punch out to start, Zayn sends Owens to the outside and hits him with a swanton to the outside! Zayn is just PISSED here and hard whips Owens into the barricade. Back in the ring and a dropkick from Zayn for two. I like this intensity from Zayn, usually he’s just so goddamn happy and energetic that its kind of hard to take him serisouly, but him showing a darker side is something I can get behind. Owens gets control by whipping Zayn into the steps. Owens is getting some serious heel heat here by mocking Zayn’s o-lay deal.
Owens with a senton for two. YOU WATCHING COLE!?? Zayn comes back with a clothesline that sends Owens spinning. Zayn goes up for the ten punch… and does about fifteen instead. Zayn with a…. according to Cole, “blue thunder bomb (!?)” for two. Zayn then does a sitout kind of slam deal which Cole calls a “traditonal blue thunder bomb (???)” which gets two. KO comes back with a sick brainbuster and a frogsplash for two. AYE C’MON ESE, IF THE FROGSPLASH CAN’T GET IT DONE NOTHING CAN!!! KO with a cannonball in the corner…. hits two of them… powerbomb time but Zayn reverses with a dropkick and hits a SICK back suplex but Owens pops up and takes out Zayn with a clothesline! Both men are down….
Zayn goes for a DDT off the ropes but Owens reverses with a backbreaker! This whole match is extremely ROH and its really good, the crowd is loving it. Owens and Zayn trade punches on the apron…. OWENS SETS UP FOR A POWERBOMB ON THE APRON BUT ZAYN REVERSES WITH A BACKDROP!!! Owens just ATE a backdrop on the apron with his back! Goddamn! ZAYN WITH A RUNNING DDT TO OWENS ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE RING!!! Holy shit, this match is pretty fucking sweet! Crowd is INTO IT!
Zayn was getting ready for something… but Owens hits a superkick and takes out Zayn with the powerbomb! Dammit, I’m happy that Owens won because its Kevin Fucking Owens but at the same time it means I’m not getting a point in the Roundtable.
4.5/5.0 Really great match and the storyline was great too. Very different match from what w’ere used to seeing, very indie style but it still came across as having a WWE bent to it. I’m also pleasantly surprised that Owens got to over as I was sure they were going to go with the cliche’ good guy overcoming the odds. Hopefully this means that Owens is going to get pushed and not just end up feuding with Zayn or Zack Ryder or something.
Byran pissed off KO so now he’s going to sit through the next match for the IC Title.
Okay, I could not care less about Miz/Cesaro but some of the shit KO is saying on commentary is too fucking funny.
“Cole, it sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself you’re a good commentator which we all know isn’t true.”
To Cole: A sleeperhold is what you’re doing to the fans.
To Byran: You got something to say Byran? You’re sitting over there with that stupid smirk on your face, do I have to knock it off?
To Cole who’s freaking out about an early two count: Calm down, he kicked out.
Cole: I can’t beleive he kicked out!
Owens: I can’t beleive you still work here!
Right after that Zayn jumped Owens… and that distracts the Ref from noticing Miz is tapping out. Cesaro takes out Owens and Zayn but gets rolled up by Miz for the win. Owens ends up taking everyone out…. Marayse saves Miz but KO has the IC Title! This is some awesome, awesome fucking shit! Its also making me curious to as if they’re trying to turn Kevin into an anti-hero face. Really though, this ppv has been fucking awesome, ALL KO ALL THE TIME BABY!!!!!
4th Match: Dean Ambrose vs Chris Jericho for Credibility
Another video package that is extremely well done and makes the match seem like a bigger deal than it really does. The build up between them has been pretty sweet, they’re both great talkers but they’re both fighting each other simply because they have nothing better to do. Still, it should be pretty fucking sweet.
Ambrose in control and he lets out a C’MON BABYY!!! Jericho reverses with a backdrop to the outside and Ambrose hits the apron. Jericho goes to the outside and Ambrose hits him with a clothesline and then does the Cocky Jericho Pin 1 and another C’MON BABY!!!! Back in the ring and Ambrose goes for the signature clothesline but Jericho cuts him off with a suplex onto the ropes and his “vintage” kick to the apron. Jericho with some slaps and trash talk. Just stomps Ambrose and chinlock city baby!!! Crowd is split about 50/50 here. I seem to remember someone Chicago was 100% for against Jericho, he was a Punk though…
Jericho goes for a bulldog but Ambrose shoves him into the corner. Ambrose coming back with some punches…. tornado DDT off the second turnbuckle for two. Jericho comes back with an axehandle off the top and its time for the Walls…. Ambrose gets out and hits a very CM Punk like neckbreaker for two. Ambrose with a RUNNING BULLDOG FROM THE CORNER FOR TWO!??? What, is he gonna do an Elbow off the top rope next? HOLY SHIT, AMBROSE ACTUALLY GOES TO THE TOP AND GOES FOR AN ELBOW!!! Only thing he was missing was yelling BEST IN THE WORLD and gelling his hair back… Jericho catches Ambrose with the Walls but Ambrose gets the ropes. When was the last time an important face actually tapped to the Walls?
Jericho goes for a running knee but Ambrose sends him to the outside and hits him with a suicida and Jericho smacks his head against the commentary table. Ambrose sets up one of the tables, puts Jericho on it and goes for the AC DC song… Jericho reverses into the Walls but can’t get it so he catapults Ambrose into the barricade! Ambrose gets back in the ring at nine! Jericho is talking some serious trash… Jericho goes for the Codebreaker but Ambrose reverses and hits the rope assisted clothesline for two. Ambrose goes back to the top but Jericho cuts him off and sends Ambrose to the outside. Jericho goes for the springboard dropkick again but Ambrose catches him and wrings him on the ropes. Ambrose with an elbow off the top and gets a close two count! This a great fucking match…
Ambrose goes for a superplex…. Jericho fights out… this ends up with Jericho getting the Walls right in the middle of the ring! Ambrose fights out but eats an enziguri from Jericho for two. Jericho’s pissed that he hasn’t won the match yet. Jericho with a backbreaker for two and some more trash talking. Jericho goes for the Lionsault but Ambrose puts his knees up. Ambrose into ACDC and hits it… and that’s it!
4.5/5.0 Another great match, the story here is that Jericho was doing everything he could to keep Ambrose down but Ambrose was able to not take a codebreaker or Lionsault and get in position for the ACDC and pick up the victory. Just a really well done match that didn’t make Dean seem too invulnerable ala Cena, he didn’t take five hundred finishers and still win. There was a sense of Ambrose being able to lose and a sense of an actual fight occurring, which is much, much better storytelling than someone like Cena/Hogan/Rock just powering up and deciding to win. Jericho also got to look good in this match but something that bothers me is that Jericho NEVER gets to win when its important. You just know that Jericho’s going to job to whoever the flavor of the week is, to me Jericho just hasn’t had any real credibility in a main event level feud since he feuded with Punk back in 2012. And Punk beat Jericho like three times in a row!
5th Match: Charlotte w/ Ric Flair vs Natayla w/ Bret Hart
Natayla’s definitely fuckable. Bret Hart looks WORSE than Ric Flair does! Oh, and of course the Ref is Charles Robinson!
Charlotte’s just been really cocky the whole match, working over Natayla and talking shit to Bret Hart! Aye Bret, you wanna learn something! Watch this *slams Nattie’s leg. Charlotte softening up Nattie’s leg, suplex onto the ropes. Charlotte puts Natayla into the Sharpshooter and Ric Flair tells Charles to RING THE DAMN BELL!!! Not really but wouldn’t it be funny if they brought Bret back just to do ANOTHER version of the Screwjob!??
Charlotte goes for the Figure 8 but Nattie slaps out of it, takes out Charlotte with a discus clothesline for two. Nattie goes for the Sharpshooter but her legs too fucked up, Charlotte fights out and hits the Natural Selection for two. Please nigga, everyone kicks out of that shit. Crowd is firmly behind Nattie. Charlotte gets the Figure 8 in… Nattie reverses, Charlotte gets the ropes. Natayla has just been getting her ass beat… AND CHARLOTTE ACTUALLY DOES PUT NATTIE IN THE SHARPSHOOTER AND ROBINSON DOES RING THE BELL!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!! I CAN’T BELIEVE I PREDICTED THIS IN A JOKE!!1 ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!??
I either deserve some kind of award for guessing this or WWE Creative needs to be shot. I think they might have done this specifically to piss off Bret for his criticisms of the current product lately… either that or WWE is just really, really lame.
Main Event: AJ Styles vs Roman Reigns (C) for the WWE Championship
Read on AV Club the other day something that kind of describes Jericho/Ambrose and Reigns/Styles in a microisim. Styles/Reigns is a feud between two guys who have never been that good at talking while Jericho/Ambrose is just the opposite. Anyway, should be fun to see Styles, a much better wrestler and someone who connects with the crowd on a higher level, job to Roman Reigns.The crowd reaction for this is gonna be good, WWE can’t turn down the mics enough on Chicago to get them to be quiet.
Reigns coming out to nothing but boos and you can HEAR the crowd mics being turned down. TURN EM ALL THE WAY DOWN BABYYYYYY, YOU CAN’T STOP CHICAGO FROM BOOING YOUR CARTOONY ASS CHAMPION!!! There’s actually a pretty funny sign with a mute button on it. Like Style’s tights here, red with white. God, this is such a reiteration of MITB 2011…
Styles trying to work over the legs with kicks and sends Reigns to the outside with an armdrag.
This was just such a weird goddamn match that I didn’t feel like doing play by play for it. The match was effectively nutured due to the HEAVILY dropped sound of the mics. You could BARELY hear the Chicago crowd at all, which had the same effect as it did at Wrestlemania. The crowd came across as almost apathetic rather than pissed off or emotional. There were a couple good fake finishes in the match and the Bullet Club was well used, but in the end Roman Reigns “overcame the odds.” The match was okay but nothing great and the DQ and count out endings really ruined the flow of the match. Good match but not great by any means. I think its obvious that AJ should have went over OR WWE should have turned Reigns heel. Neither of those things happened though, so we continue with the forced push of Roman Reigns. A really terrible end result but I think its something that anyone looking forward to this show already accepted beforehand. Oh and instead of moving things forward what so ever we’re getting a rematch between Reigns/Styles at Extreme Rules. If Styles didn’t win the title here he’s not getting it at Extreme Rules so I really don’t expect people to get behind this match like they did the first time.
Overall, a very good show but holy fuck, doesn’t someone have a fucking clue that no one wants to see Reigns as champion and its completely fucking with the flow of their main events? WWE wants to talk about how its the New Generation yet they refuse to take the title off a boring Face Champion who the crowd rejects. Sounds like the same old shit to me.
Tags: Wrestling Opinions from a Sleazy Guy