The SmarK Rant for World Championship Wrestling – 12.13.86
I really want to dive into the AWA supershows, but since I left off here with the TBS shows last time, we might as well jump back in to coincide with the Observer Flashbacks from the same time.
Your hosts are Tony & David. Sponsored by WEIDER!
It’s a NEWSFLASH to start, as Barry Windham & Ron Garvin have won the US tag team titles from the Russians, and Jackie Crockett is so excited that he does a tight zoom on poor Tony’s face and scares the crap out of him.
The Rock N Roll Express v. Tony Zane & Brodie Chase
So last week the Express lost the tag titles to Rude & Fernandez, so David says we should watch for signs of the injuries sustained there. Somehow I don’t think Tony Zane is gonna capitalize. They control Zane with the usual double-teams and Robert drops a knee on Chase for two. David: “Robert realizes he’s gonna have to carry the match here.” That’ll be the day when Gibson carries anything. Ricky comes in with a chinlock on Chase and dedicates it to Manny Fernandez. Aw, that’s sweet of him. Double dropkick finishes the geek in 4:30. That was pretty long for an RNR squash.
And the excitement continues, as Robert gets to cut a promo! Well, he tried. Ricky stresses that they are indeed coming after those titles again.
Jimmy Valiant is out and he’s so darn happy to have shaved Paul Jones bald at Starrcade, and that feud is FINISHED. He’s so happy that he licks Tony.
Nikita Koloff v. Alan Martin
Martin gets some feeble shots in before Nikita has had enough and finishes him with the Sickle at 0:48.
The Superpowers have a lot of targets, ranging from the Horsemen to Paul Jones’ army. Dusty is more concerned with getting funky like a monkey in various cities.
Ole & Arn Anderson v. Randy Mulkey & Mike Simani
Mulkey gets destroyed in the corner by Arn, and Ole works the arm of Simani and beats on him. Some poor chick in the crowd tries to start an “Ole is a wimp” chant, but it doesn’t take. Well, I mean, clearly it’s not accurate. You could say he’s a cheap bastard or miserable human being, but clearly he’s not a wimp. Arn with the spinebuster on Mulkey and the Andersons keep cranking on the arm. I feel like they need another story to tell in this match. Finally Arn finishes the poor guy with the gourdbuster at 5:00.
Tully Blanchard is still claiming that he never submitted to Magnum at last year’s Starrcade, and thus Nikita has his US title belt. Sound logic.
Tully Blanchard v. Bill Mulkey
David wants to remind us that the TV title is on the line. Whoops, my bad.
World TV title: Tully Blanchard v. Bill Mulkey
That’s better. The seeds for Mulkeymania are already being planted, as JJ on commentary talks about how one of these days they’re gonna upset a top team on TV. Tully meanwhile drops elbows on him and tosses him, but Mulkey fights back in the corner until Tully whips him into the other turnbuckle. He misses an elbow and Mulkey gets another hope spot, but the slingshot suplex ends it at 4:00. Tully always gave his jobbers lots of offense for whatever reason.
Let us take you back to December 9, as Windham & Garvin upset the Russians to win the US tag titles, sending Krusher fleeing to the WWF.
Tim Horner v. Vern Deaton
David is so overcome with emotion at the godless Russian commies losing the US tag titles that he has to stop and give blessings to the GREATEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. And then we get a random pop-up about Tim Horner founding SMW with Jim Cornette, so obviously this is just the WWE 24/7 version of the show moved over to the Network. So why the hell haven’t they moved over the other thousand hours of content that’s ready to go?! Anyway, Horner works the arm on the mat and holds onto a hammerlock tenaciously, then adds a dropkick and rolling reverse for the pin at 4:10.
Ric Flair is out to dispute Dusty’s claims of being funky like a monkey. Indeed, even if Dusty is funky like a monkey (of which there is no evidence Flair can find) being funky like a monkey will not help him in his quest to win the World title. Also, Flair would like to stress that he was speaking to his latest girlfriend about the sexual prowess of Nikita Koloff, and her opinion is that Koloff appears to have large muscles but is lacking in the genatalia department. So any women who are interested in pursuing a sexual relationship with him should come to his hotel room, where a metaphorical buffet of women will be awaiting to perform favors for him. As an addendum, woo.
Jim Cornette is back on his feet again and ready to exact revenge on the Road Warriors in another scaffold match, because that plan apparently worked so well the first time.
The Midnight Express v. Rocky King & George South
Cornette calls Ron Garvin “the Barney Rubble of pro wrestling” which is just so great. Bobby actually gets double-teamed by the jobbers and his befuddled reaction to Rocky King getting one over on him is pretty hilarious. Condrey comes in and they beat on Rocky in the corner while we take a break so Cornette can breathe again. Back with Condrey generously hauling King over to Cornette at the announce desk so he can badmouth him. Because Jim’s knee is injured and he can’t badmouth the jobbers at ringside, see. Bobby drops the knee off the top, nearly running into the lights above the ring in the process while the fans at ringside actually get into a yelling match between heel and babyface supporters. One side yells “Road Warriors” and the other yells “Midnights” and they just don’t stop! That’s pretty crazy. Cornette is inspired to head to ringside as Bobby continues beating on Rocky King, but King actually gets a hot tag to South…who walks into a Demolition elbow from the Midnights at 5:57. This was pretty generous for a Midnights squash.
The Road Warriors v. Clement Fields & Kent Glover
Even on a two hour show, the Roadies waste no time in disposing of them. Hawk literally just holds Fields, kills him with a lariat, and pins him at 0:12. Awesome bump from the poor jobber on that one. Given Hawk was apparently wrestling on a broken leg, I don’t blame him for making it quick.
The Warriors are coming to Chicago to finish off the Midnights, and if the people in the city don’t like the way that Hawk drives, they should stay off the sidewalk.
Rude & Fernandez stop by for a promo and I have no idea what drugs that Manny was on here, but it was apparently a lot of them because he’s REALLY excited about something and makes no sense.
Barry Windham v. Larry Stevens
Barry controls Stevens with a backdrop suplex, powerslam, and the lariat to finish at 1:00.
Rick Rude & Manny Fernandez v. Pat O’Brien & Randy Barber
Rude is still using “Smooth Operator” at this point judging by the bad overdubbing. Speaking of bad, Pat O’Brien looks like Bugsy McGraw, but with a shamrock-themed set of gear, and even older. The champs pummel him with elbows and toss him multiple times as even the announcers are feeling sorry for him. He tags out to Barber for literally 10 seconds and then goes right back to taking an epic ass-kicking and laying on the mat in the fetal position. Tony declares it a “clinic in beating up on somebody”. No shit, he’s got a busted nose! Finally Manny finishes the poor bastard with the flying burrito at 7:00 and he’s covered with O’Brien’s blood while making the cover. What the FUCK was that about? That beating was way beyond any kind of good-natured rib on the guy.
Barry Windham is all about setting goals, and after winning the US tag titles, he’s aiming for Flair’s title. Also, beating on that jobber was pretty uncool of Fernandez.
Jimmy Garvin declares that Brad Armstrong is HISTORY and his father is a coward for running away from a little garbage can to the head. Also, Dusty is lucky that he didn’t stop by and smack the gum out of his mouth. Also, Barry Windham needs to mind his own business about people beating up jobbers. And now it’s time for a cardiovascular workout!
Jimmy Garvin v. Art Pritz
Didn’t it used to be “Pritts”? Art could be a member of the Wyatt Family today. Garvin is clearly stretching things out, slowing working Pritz over on the mat with holds before finishing with the brainbuster at 4:36. The replay was not flattering.
Jimmy Valiant v. Big Bill Tabb
Usual from Valiant here as he cheats like crazy and finishes with the elbow at 1:30.
And it’s ANOTHER Rock N Roll promo as they say the same stuff again.
The Barbarian v. Robert Burroughs
He tosses Burroughs and beats on him outside as we continue stretching things out to fill two hours. Back in, powerslam and flying headbutt finish at 3:45.
And finally, the Four Horsemen finish with a group interview. This one’s been featured on DVDs as an extra before.
Pretty much they had one hour of content and had to stretch it out to two, and as a result the show completely ran out of steam after the Midnight Express squash. This whole era is kind of in the doldrums for a few months.
Tags: SmarK WWE Network Rant, World Championship Wrestling