1. We kick off with a 4th of July celebration, which is like a FU to all of the British viewers, as if they don’t have enough problems at the moment. The segment ends with a food fight and Heath Slater being slammed through a table by Kane and Big Show, because what could be more American than wasting food and beating up people who are weaker than you?
2. So we should care about Rusev vs Titus because the latter is dressed as Uncle Sam? Nope. Rusev wins with the accolade, and this match will be receiving no accolades from me.
3. Oh, FFS, the Social Outcasts are dressed as Paul Revere and the minutemen. Before too long they’re interrupted by Enzo and Cass, representing Italian Americans and Giant Americans respectively. Standard match from Enzo and Cass, but I don’t think there is any way I could be less interested in the Social Outcasts.
4. Now Charlotte is talking, and I am fast forwarding. She is eventually interrupted by Sasha Banks, who is so much better on the mic than Charlotte it isn’t funny. And back to the fast forward as the Miz comes out to talk. Back to normal speed for the match against Dean Ambrose, who could put on a good match against a broom, let alone a reliable performer like the Miz. Good match with Ambrose picking up the win, and I’m just glad neither man was dressed like Abraham Lincoln or an eagle eating an apple pie.
5. And just to prove that an actual wrestling match can happen more than once a week in Raw, it’s time for Seth Rollins vs Dolph Ziggler. While there was never any doubt about who would walk away with the win, Ziggler put on a solid performance in his now familiar jobber to the stars role. After the match Rollins gets on the mic to call out Roman and eats a dirty deeds on the announce table for his troubles.
6. No sign of Luke Harper in the Wyatt Family promo, and I don’t know if this means he is injured or is getting a solo push. Having seen Harper in action as Brodie Lee, I hope it is the latter. Seriously, he makes Baron Corbin look like Doink the Clown. And now for some reason Vickie Guerrero is back, and her voice is annoying as ever.
7. And now Big Show is talking to a bunch of over the hill guys (along with Ryder and Crews) about the 16 man elimination match, and he can’t resist starting a U.S.A. chant. Because the other team are all filthy foreigners. Like the Vaudvillains, who are British, or the Golden Truth, who are aliens or something. The freaks pick up the win as the Villains continue their push towards the lower mid card.
8. John Cena comes out to talk about his recent setbacks, which brings out The Club. I think AJ might be getting a bit better on the mic, but he stills slips into hillbilly patois now and again. After having some fun, The Club storm the ring and beat down Cena, before Enzo and Big Cass come out to make the save. The faces clear the ring, and it’s interesting to see the former NXT Stars being paired with Cena, and says a lot about what Vince thinks about their potential.
9. Next up Becky Lynch is taking on Summer Rae, and Lynch picks up the submission victory in short order. Then we cut to the multicultural team, who are all arguing in different languages, which is pretty hilarious. Owens says he is in the mood to beat up some Americans, while Zayn, Cesaro and the Lucha Dragons do the four amigos salute. Gold.
10. Our main event is the 16 man elimination tag, which is a lot of fun with some dead wood being eliminated fast. Sin Cara and the Dudleys go first, then Cesaro and Swagger have a cute ‘we the people’ moment before beating the crap out of each other. Swagger is next to go, then the match breaks down into a brawl as we go to break. Kalisto falls to a worlds strongest slam, then Owens takes out Henry with an impressive pop up powerbomb. Ever the dick, KO then hits Sami Zayn with a chair for the disqualification, then Kane gets thrown out as well. Crews takes out Zayn, Shamus takes out Crews, then dissent in the foreign team leads to Cesaro hitting hit team with a bunch of European uppercuts and getting eliminated by Zack Ryder. Oh, the shame. Big Show takes out Jericho and Del Rio without actually moving around the ring very much, then beats on Shamus for a while, before tagging in Ryder for a feel good American victory. Happy 4th of July!
Tags: 10 thoughts, 4th og July, rusev