Generic Raw intro brings us the last full roster Raw for the foreseeable future. The ruler of all the world Stephanie McMahon comes out and they run down the goofball rules of the draft that were added at the last minute and contradict what was said before. Shane’s theme hits and she talks over it. Cole exposits about how they’re here tonight to name their GMs.
Shane says that every morning when she wakes up, Steph wishes she had testicles and she says that lady balls are bigger than testicles. Stephanie talks about how Raw has three hours, three draft picks, and will be the exclusive home of the cruiserweight division – and hypes up the CWC. So she’s already buried SD quickly here. A yes chant breaks out and she says yes, it’s time to bring out her GM Mick Foley. Mick and Steph seems like a bizarre pairing. Steph dances to his theme and man has he lost even more weight since WM. Shane talks about how Stephanie buries Raw every week. Shane talks about his GM needing to represent the underdog. Shane is sweating through his shirt and introduces Bryan as his GM. So if Bryan is the SD GM, LOGICALLY, why would he be commentating the CWC when cruisers are exclusively on Raw?
It’s so great to see the whole building doing the YES thing. Bryan talks about the fans missing him, but them not missing him as much as he does them. Stephanie INTERRUPTS HIS FUCKING PROMO and Shane just tells her to shut up. Bryan talks about not ever thinking he’d be able to be in a ring again because he loved it too much. He says that SD is the underdog and so was he. Stephanie says that he only won the war for one night and says that DB is a B+ player for a B+ show. Steph buries Shane for being sweaty and he threatens a hug before she threatens a slap. After 20 minutes of McMahonamania, we get a graphic of some guys fighting for a belt. 12 man tag is announced and Owens and Jericho team up to face Sami and Cesaro next.
Taco Bell superstars facts tell us that Baron is a 3-time golden gloves boxing champion. Cole talks about how Jericho said he doesn’t care what show he’s on – “It’s just like it was a number of years ago.” That sure does sum up WWE over the past decade. Cesaro and Jericho have fun chemistry, before we get Jericho and Owens bullying Sami. An over the knee neckbreaker sends us to an ad break. Jericho hits a running boot to Sami after the break. He struggles to break free. Goddamn is Sami great in the Ricky Morton role of a tag match. Cesaro comes in and runs wild with uppercuts. Springboard uppercut gets 2 for Cesaro.
Owens and Sami come in and Sami avoids the powerbomb with a dropkick. Jericho has a blind tag, but so does Cesaro who gets 2 off a crossbody block. Walls countered into a Swing and Owens gets caught up. Sami and Owens go at it with a tornado DDT and Sami rolls up Jericho to win. Bryan talks to Golden Truth and then Titus walks into him as well. Steph chats with him. Stephanie buries Bryan for…planting and creating his own food? She says he’s like a Chucky doll and that she just pulls the string and he goes Yes.
ADR comes out and Cole uses the backstage “my guest at this time” for Miz being at ringside doing commentary. Miz talks about D-Young not really winning. D-Young comes out with Bob and does a pose that they should seemingly be doing a closeup of since it’s of text on his wrist tape that you can’t read. ADR beats him up before Miz gets on the apron and distracts D-Young. ADR goes for a distraction schoolboy, but Young pushes ADR into Miz and D-Young wins with a distraction Backlund Bridge. Sasha and Becky face Dana and Charlotte tonight. The big 12-man tag is up next.
Cena comes down and says that on Sunday, the Club can’t see him because he’s got the Certified Gs. Sing along with Enzo gets over relatively well. Enzo calls The Club a set of Herbs with insecurities. He says without ugly in the world, there’s no beauty and thanks Luke Gallows for his sacrifice. Also, the only time women open their mouths for him is when they yawn. He says Karl is like Times New Roman and as generic as they come and the only time the Club can beat them is on the 35th of Neveruary. He says if The Club wants sympathy, they should look in the dictionary. For some reason, The Club and the other heels in this match aren’t just coming down to kick their asses. AJ’s theme interrupts the SAWFT bit.
Karl says that The Club has chemistry, as does himself AND HIS HOT ASIAN WIFE. He says that Cena’s team met in catering over a bowl of candy and Luke says that they’ve spilled blood across the world and sold out arenas too-ski. New Day comes out and Kofi says that the Club always talks about what they like to beat before talking about meat and hands. Woods is growing an evil goatee and brags about being a level 21 Pokemon Go trainer and quotes some Pokemon. Wyatts come out and just turned face by ending that segment after a thousand years. Cena’s face seems to perfectly sum that whole thing up.
We get some Cena vs. Rowan before Luke comes in and Cole hypes up New Day beating the London and Kendrick record for longest-reigning tag champs. E and Braun go at it for a bit before Enzo tags in. Enzo charges in, gets bowled over and tags in Cass. Everyone comes in after the staredown and a brawl breaks out. That doesn’t last long and they exchange punches before a big boot. Kofi tags in for a crossbody that Braun was supposed to catch him on, but he falls, hoists him up and finishes the powerslam for an ad break.
We come back to see Bray getting 2 on Kofi. Cena tags in and runs wild on Bray with shoulderblocks. The Protobomb leads to the five knuckle shuffle, but Bray does the crab walk to scare him. Rowan comes in and locks on a chinlock before doing the knuckle sandwich. AJ runs in and punches Cena. AJ’s over the knee neckbreaker has been changed to having an over the shoulder powerslam setup to lessen the speed a bit and hits Cena.
Karl hits a calf kick to Cena for 2. Luke runs wild with a series of elbows and slaps away at John on the mat. Cena bumps for a throat thrust before it hits and Luke misses a running splash. Bray chinlocks Cena after the break, but misses the senton. Cass and AJ tag in and AJ eats an Empire Elbow before going for the East River Crossing, but Braun tackles him. E lariats Braun over the top to the floor. Kofi hits a rana on Rowan, but eats a uranage from Bray and takes a gorgeous bump for it. Luke eats an AA and then Enzo hits a giant DDT off the top. AJ hits a KENTA combo to Enzo, who tries to escape a Clash with a lariat and accidentally hits Cena. AJ beats Enzo with the Clash. Stephanie and Mick meet with Crews, but we hear nothing over the music playing.
Earlier today, Seth cuts a promo in an empty arena about how he used to be on these same stairs coming down with the Shield – but they were his pawns. He achieved is goal of being WWE Champion, and his knee caved under carrying WWE while Roman became the Top Dog in his absence. Seth buries Dean for stealing the title that he worked harder than any man to win back and he will push Dean down tonight, win his title, and beat his former brothers at Battleground to show that he was always the man. Breezango dances with Mick, who tells them that his hips don’t do that anymore. Breezango’s new red and black zebra-print gear is fantastic. Mick talks to Shane about how he went with Stephanie because he sees passion in her eyes, and Shane wishes him a nice day.
Baron is out to face Sin Cara, who he slaps in the corner. Sin Cara hits a springboard elbow that sends Baron backwards weirdly and then he kicks him over the top rope. Baron headbutts him off the springboard crossbody and gets the win with the End of Days. He stomps away afterwards and Kalisto runs in to save his partner. Baron beats him up outside the ring. Boy is that not something I would do on Raw if I’m starting a cruiserweight division on Raw. Charlotte and Dana walk backstage for their match.
We get some clips of mainstream advertorials that WWE has run on sites like Bleacher Report and ESPN. Faces come down and then the heels come out. Charlotte tags out to Dana immediately to face Sasha. Sasha and Becky double team her and Becky gets 2 off a series of legdrops. Nattie comes down and jumps Becky before tossing her into the barricade. Charlotte’s theme drowns out Bryan and Shane talking to Demon Kane. We go to some weirdly-cut promo from Dean made to seem like the first backstage Shield promo.
We get a superstar factoid on Woods having a PHD and running a Youtube channel. Lana comes out in a camo skirt and shirt with a red top underneath looking weird. Rusev comes out to team with Sheamus, who seem to be better friends now that they aren’t a team than they were as one. Dolph comes out and we see SD clips of Rusev destroying Dolph before Ryder distracted him to give Dolph a win. Dolph’s gear looks like a design you’d see on the side of a pair of headphones sold at Dollar General.
Ryder hits Rusev with a flying forearm before Sheamus jumps him from behind with a kidney punch. Rusev charges him into the barricade before Sheamus tags in and kicks his ribs. Sheamus asks Rusev if he wants a tag, but refrains from it while Rusev wants to fight Ryder. Kind of odd to give Rusev a generally babyface characteristic like that. Rusev comes in and faces Dolph, who gets 2 off a fameasser. Dolph gets 2 off a schoolboy, but Rusev stun guns him, superkicks the back of the head and wins with the Accolade. The Beast vs. The Viper is hyped up before they hype up Orton with a career retrospective video. Orton almost comes off like an all-time great with this video.
We get an epic hype video for Seth vs. Roman vs. Dean showing their history as allies and running down what happened at Money in the Bank. Recap of Cena on the ESPYs. Mick and Bryan talk to the Ascension and then talk about how they will compete in a friendly manner and how they’re each underdogs who love flannel and beards. They argue a bit and say they’ll each be the best.
Dean comes out and Stephanie dancing in her chair to Dean’s theme next to Mick Foley is quite the sight. Steph cheers wildly for Seth, so he’ll probably be her first draft pick. Dean and Seth wrestle a bit mid-ring before Dean sends him to the floor where he lands an off the apron lariat. After an ad break, Seth punches Dean and launches him into the buckle and stomps his hand. Seth gets 2 off a flatliner into the buckle. Seth crossfaces him against the ropes and lands a pair of Slingblades. JBL puts over the cruiserweight classic by mentioning Kota Ibushi and Cedric Alexander, which is surreal but good since it introduces those names and makes them seem like stars before they hit Raw. A series of cradle exchanges get 2 for each man.
Dean runs head-first into a calf kick, but Dean sends him to the floor with an over the top lariat. A suicide dive hits Seth. Seth gets the upper hand on the floor with a barricade bomb and hits a high fly flow mid-ring. It gets 2 and we go to an ad break. We come back to a corner to corner buckle bomb from Seth. Dean reverses a pedigree into a slingshot. Rollins and Dean exchange corner charges before Seth hits a kick combo and Dean hits a punching combo. Seth hits a buckle bomb, but Dean hangs on and hits a Dirty Deeds for 2 because Seth puts his foot on the rope.
They fight on the apron and Dean avoids an apron Pedigree, but eats a mid-ring one for 2. Dean gets 2 off a jackknife cradle. They fight up top and Dean tosses Seth off into the ref. Seth gets a superplex, but they small package each other for a disputed finish. Steph congratulates Seth because…he’s a heel I guess, while Shane supports the babyface. Steph says Seth won and calls him champion. So instead of Shane talking, we’ll have to wait until SmackDown for the conclusion.
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Tags: monday night raw, RAW, WWE RAW