True story: I was watching Smackdown Live and thinking, “hey, I’ve got an idea for my Fantasy Book column this week.” So as I watch, I start developing it more and more in my head and I am getting pretty excited about it.
I also start thinking a few other things. Like how could Smackdown be celebrating it’s 900th show? This isn’t even Smackdown anymore. It is Smackdown Live! I know it is Smackdown Live because everytime they reference the show, they say Smackdown Live, not Smackdown, no matter how stupid it sounds. Also, if you are celebrating Smackdown, instead of promoting Edge and The Undertaker, shouldn’t you get The Rock out there? I mean, the name of the show was cribbed from his promos. Let him promote his new animated film or something, just let him go out and say he is laying the smackdown live or something.
Also, Survivor Series is coming up, and Team Raw looks WAY better than Team Smackdown. How is that, you might ask? Well, let me count the ways.
- Team Raw has both its main champion (Kevin Owens) and its secondary champion (Roman Reigns) on the team. Team Smackdown has only its main champion (AJ Styles) on the team. Its secondary champion is being forced to defend not only his championship, but the whole of the Intercontinental title from going over to Raw.
- Team Raw has done a great job of making Braun Strowman look like a monster of epic proportions. Team Smackdown had Baron Corbin on it up to a couple weeks ago when Kalisto brutally destroyed his knee and possibly his career. But hey, go and reward Kalisto with a cruiserweight title shot. Anyway, I guess Team Smackdown has Bray Wyatt, but Wyatt’s badassery is so diluted now, it is not even funny.
- Team Raw has the most successful member of the Shield since their breakup – Seth Rollins. Team Smackdown has the least successful member in Dean Ambrose.
- Even if you argue that Ambrose has been more successful than I think, he is still wasting his time doing goofy comedy bits regarding James Ellsworth. Team Raw has Chris Jericho doing comedy bits about scarves and The List. Advantage Team Raw.
- Team Raw has five active, full-time wrestlers on their team. Team Smackdown includes a part-time-at-best (and even that is pushing it) wrestler in Shane McMahon on their team. Seriously, Daniel Bryan? You didn’t think any other wrestler would be a better fit for this team than Shane-O? Ziggler doesn’t have anything to do now at the event. Luke Harper would have been a great addition and allow the Wyatt Family to just kick ass and take names. Hell, your old tag team partner Kane is sitting right there! Oh, and I know that no one is supposed to think about this, but don’t you have a guy named John Cena on the roster? I don’t care that he is filming some other project, shouldn’t he be here to defend Team Smackdown’s honor?
- Team Smackdown has a mascot. Mascots suck. This isn’t even a real mascot. It’s a person. That’s just wrong.
- Team Raw has awesomeness all around, rotating around the glory that is the Gift of Jericho. Team Raw has a giant vortex of suck, rotating around the nadir that is the Epitome of Suckitude, Randy Orton.
In addition to all this, Team Raw doesn’t necessarily get along all the time, but they do seem to have small factions that get along and they seem to all want to win. Team Smackdown has one small faction (Wyatt and Orton) but even that is debatable. Team Smackdown doesn’t get along at all. And worse yet, Team Smackdown doesn’t seem to care if they win.
So I develop this idea for this column. By the last segment, I am feeling really good about it. Edge calls out Team Smackdown and I’m stoked for how this Fantasy Booking could go. And then it happened. The WWE booked what I was about to Fantasy Book! They actually did almost exactly what I was thinking they should do! They never do what I think they should do. Something is wrong with the universe.
If you watched Smackdown Live, you know what happened. The Undertaker came down to the ring. He didn’t try to boost the team’s morale or coach them up. Instead, he did exactly what The Undertaker should do at this point in his career – use his decades long history of destruction (including Wrestlemania victories over Wyatt, Orton, McMahon, and even Edge) to scare the shit out of the Team Smackdown Live. And that he did. (By the way, the looks on each of the team members’ faces were awesome. Even AJ Styles bowing up a bit pretending to be tough.)
The Undertaker came out and warned Team Smackdown Live to either win or have to face his wrath. Maybe not in those exact words, but that was the point. Screw brand loyalty. Screw working together. Screw having belief in your team members. Just fucking win. Because if you don’t, The Undertaker is going to mess you up.
What better way to use The Undertaker right now than this? Let him strike fear in people and let them use that fear as motivation. Plus, there is a very good chance we will get to see him tombstone James Ellsworth before this is all said and done.
So, that’s it. The WWE ruined my column by booking something that was pretty darn good. Damn you, Smackdown Live!
Until next week, protect your turkeys. Did you know that this time of year, police all over the United States have more reports of turkey kidnappings than at any other time? And very, very few of those cases turn out positive for the turkey. Gobble Gobble, my friends…
Tags: AJ Styles, Braun Strowman, Bray Wyatt, Chris Jericho, Daniel Bryan, dean ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Edge, Kane, Kevin Owens, Randy Orton, Roman Reigns, seth rollins, Shane McMahon, survivor series, The Undertaker