Wrestling Opinions From a Sleazy Guy: WWE TLC 2016 Review 12/05/2016

WWE TLC 2016 Review
By Sebastian Howard

Jesus, I’ve been out of the game so long I was starting to wonder myself when I was going to write another review. What happened to me was that I was kept on planning to review the latest WWE show and get in a review a month (or possibly two reviews a month now with the way that the ppv’s have been since the brand split). However, I always ended up doing something around sunday/Monday or hanging out with friends and watching the shows and not feeling like going back and reviewing them. Also, I was extremely busy in the last three months as I was working at Walmart and was working 40 hours a week, nine hours a night (10 pm-7 am). Decent pay at 9.50 an hour but just a terrible atmosphere, depressing as all hell working there during the night and they refused to let me do my Pathways. I got my last payhcheck, blew it all on Acid and Weed and then didn’t go in. I’m going back to College in Janurary and want a part time job that I can do while going to school. Not easy to get a job with a Burglarly of a Structure on your record but hey, I’m doing the best that I can.

Back to the PPVs (or should they be called WWE Network Specials now?) I WAS going to do Clash of Champions and actually wrote up half the show but around Sheamus/Cesaro I just got hopelessly stoned and felt far too apathetic and lazy to continue the write up. I will say this however, I have been diggng the fuck out of Raw and Smackdown since the brand split. I feel like the shows are actually trying to one up each other to an extent and the writing for both shows feels so much more polished and better than usual. I’ve been watching, analyazing, and reading reviews (AV Club) for every Raw and Smackdown which I don’t think I’ve done since around 2011. People still bitch about the shows (mainly Raw) but C’MON GUYS, the shows are SO much better compared to say, a year ago. The problem was that there was just so much talent but absoultely no focus on anything but the main event scene so you’d just get a bunch of great wrestlers in random feuds for absoultely nothing. And whatever the main event scene was (a year ago on this month it was Sheamus/Reigns… eww) you were stuck with that. Now not only is there some form of alternative that’s not low rent or indie but you also have more focus on different wrestlers so they actually have storylines and feuds that feel important instead of just floating around wrestling good matches for no reason.

I like what both shows have been doing too, Owens/Jericho as best friends has been great and I look forward to watching it every week. Seth Rollins went from heel to babyface so fast because the crowd WANTS to cheer for him so badly and I think the rivarly between him and the Canadian Best Friends has been pretty great. Reigns continues to look stronger than just about anyone on the roster but fuck it, I kind of like Reigns. He’s just a douchebag who looks cool and doesn’t give a fuck about what you think of him. He doesn’t pull a Cena where he’s like “I respect your opinon guys, I love all the fans,” he just gets booed and kind of smirks and wins matches. Kind of reminds me of Diesel, as they’re both tweeners who could care less what the fans think of them (though Nash got way more positive crowd response than Reigns). The New Day need to drop the tag titles to… well just about any of the established teams on Raw. Enzo/Cass, Anderson/Gallows and Sheamus/Cesaro would all make great tag champs and New Day have been doing the same shit for a year now and yeah I like it but its time to move on and give the titles more of an adult feel to them. Banks/Charlotte have been busting ass having great matches and dropping the title to each other. I really do think the matches are great and ground breaking but I’m really sick of the story, we’ve already played with they dynamic of Banks/Charlotte as much as possible, WWE needs to decide who they want to be a long term Women’s Champion.

On the Smackdown side of things we have AJ FUCKING STYLES as the WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!!! I don’t mark out for a lot of things but I’ve been watching AJ since 2007 and goddamn it is cool as fuck that he is the Undisputed Champ! AJ definitely deserves it and I’m really glad that WWE is pushing him as hard as they have. Ambrose has been pretty fun on TV, a lot of his segments are very edgey and Attitude Era-ish which is very cool in this sanitized PG Era. The James Ellsowrth angle…. I like the angle but I’m not super into Ellsworth. Most of the time I want to see him get his ass kicked by Styles but at the same time the angle is so different and interesting that I’m into it and I want to see where they’re going to go with it. CH Punk was telling me he thinks they’re going to pull a Colin Delaney and have Ellsworth turn heel which would be pretty interesting…. but what are they going to do, feud Ellsworth and Ambrose?

The Miz and Ziggler feud has been really good but I definitely feel that Ziggler should’ve held on to the IC Title for longer. If they were going to have a rematch at TLC anyway why not let Dolph hold the title for a bit and have a fun match with Zayn at Survivor Series? Ziggler just continues to look like a complete joke who can occasionally win a minor title here and there. Orton/Wyatt thing has been very interesting and I like the angle because it was so out of left field. They’re most likely going to win the tag titles tonight (I’ve been digging Slater and Rhyno but come on, they’re not winning unless Orton turns or Harper fucks it up somehow) but I’m more interested in what they’re going to do at the Rumble. Can Orton still go after Style’s title even though they’re both heels? Will someone new step up? Or will Orton and the Wyatt’s be in the Rumble together? A lot of possiblites here which is a good thing (well unless Creative has no idea who to feud with Styles and just did the Orton turn because it was shocking). The women’s division on Smackdown has been solid but not as great as Raw’s. I don’t really like Becky Lynch… I don’t dislike her but I don’t think she has good mic skills or that much charisma. Alexa Bliss on the other hand is hot AS FUCK, has a cool psycho personality, is good on the mic, good in the ring… and um, also pretty hot. Well enough procastinating, let’s get to the show.

WWE TLC 2016

Clips of a family eating at a TABLE while they’re sitting on CHAIRS and some guy is painting¬† house with a LADDER!! Yes, WWE, I never would’ve known that people use common household objects unless you showed me that video. THANK GOD FOR WWE!!!!! THE MORE YOU KNOW DAMMIT!!!

Would have been cool if the 50s style family started beating each other up and putting each other through tables and shit.

1st Match: Bray and Orton vs Slater and Al GORE for the Low Rent Tag Titles

They show the commentary team for the first time tonight, WHY IN THE FUCK DID THEY ADD TOM PHILLIPS!!?? The commentary team was fine with Otunga, JBL and Mauro, Tom Phillips doesn’t add ANYTHING!!!

Rhyno starts off because this is a SERIOUS match…. unlike the other tag title matches they had, I guess. Orton in and he stomps on Rhyno. Rhyno with a shoulder block… tag to Slater. Orton is nice enought to let Slater get some token offense before Wyatt takes him out on the apron.

You know this is TLC, a low rent Extreme Rules which is a low rent One Night Stand. My point is why in the fuck is the tag title match not no DQ? Its supposed to be an extreme night or whatever so you start the show off with a regular tag team match? It just shows how little WWE cares about their Gimmick PPV shows. Slap a label on it, put a couple matches on there with that gimmick and its all good.

Heath actually fights off Bray and Orton (!) and tags in Rhyno…. Rhyno goes for a spear on Orton but Harper takes the spear and Orton takes Rhyno out with an RKO for the win. Damn, that match was like… eight minutes maybe? Short, short match.

I think the most important question on everyone’s mind now…. what is SLATER GOING TO DO!!??? HE’S GOT KIDS DAMMIT!!! HE’S GOING TO HAVE TO GIVE UP HIS DOUBLE WIDE, HOW IS HE GOING TO PAY FOR ABORTIONS THAT HIS DAUGHTERS NEED AND HOOKERS HIS SONS NEED!??

Whenever I see an advertisment for the Network I just want to find someone who works at WWE and yell at them I ALREADY HAVE THE NETWORK YOU COCKSUCKERS, LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!!!

Ambrose is getting interviewed by that dumb bitch from Smackdown. Dean bitches about how Styles likes to cheat or whatever, dude get over it, it was a low blow, you were in CZW…. really. Dean makes a Big Bossman reference and says he’s going to beat up AJ. AJ gets interviewed by Rene… he says he’s going to use Tender Loving Care on Ambrose. Rene looks turned on…

2nd Match: Nikki Bella vs Cah-Mellah No DQ match

Nikki has to be the hottest Diva in WWE right now… fucking Cena , gets to bang her in the ass on the reg. Hey, at least the Bella’s are honest about the “You can look but can’t touch,” thing…

Nikki goes for a powerbomb on the outside but Carmella reverses with a rana. WHY IS THERE A COUNTOUT IN THIS MATCH!!?? ITS NO DQ!??? WHAT THE FUCK!??? The Raw women don’t have to put up with this shit… Nikki has such a nice ass… like damn. Those pigtails too…. one hot chick. Cah-Mella puts Nikki in the tree of woe and pulls out a kendo stick. Is the kendo stick like the only weapon they let the women use? Carmella pounds on Nikki with the stick (heh) but only gets a one count. Carmella goes for her finisher, that submission with her legs and shit looks so sexual. Bella fights out with a kendo stick…. kind of reminds me of when Orton fougt out of Bryan’s Yes Lock with the kendo stick…. but like with women and not as good.

Pretty cool spot where Nikki jumps off the barricade and kicks Cah-Mella right in the face. Nikki with the kendo stick and beats on Carmella with it. Nikki pulls out a fire extingusher… for some reason. Nikki blasts Carmella with white foam…. yeah babyyy… and then Nikki hits her finisher to finish.

3.0/5.0 It was pretty cool seeing women doing these no dq matches but if two guys did this same match it would be pretty dissapointing. So a good match but nothing even close to the matches between Charlotte/Sasha lately. I don’t feel like that’s the women’s fault though, they got less time in this match, had to deal with countouts and are limited on what weapons they could use (I’m assuming anyway) so they did the best they could with the limitations they had. I also feel that they didn’t want to go crazy with this match as we have the Women’s table match still to come.
Carmella reveals that Natalya took out Nikki at Survivor Series, which was SO FUCKING OBVIOUS!!! Natayla wanted to be in the match at Survior Series but lost to Nikki in a match to be team captain. Then Nikki gets ko’d and Natayla has to be in the match, WOAH I WONDER WHO IT COULD’VE BEEN!!!???

3rd Match: Dolphy Z vs The Miz (C) w/ Marayse for the IC Championship in a Ladder Match
Video package showing past IC Champions, trying to make the IC Title look really prestigous. Then they show highlights from their feuds, which is really just them feuding for a long time because neither have anything better to do, Dolph loses to Miz a 100 times, puts his career on the line, wins the title, then loses the title to Miz in their rematch. Dolph is SUCH a bitch.

Daniel Bryan bitches about the Miz backstage causing the Miz to show up. Watching these guys interact is pretty cool just because they DO both hate each other but whats interesting about the scenario was that back in 2010 when Bryan had just come in the tables were completely reversed with the Miz being pretty well protected and having power and Bryan was the one getting buried (The Miz and Michael Cole would call him an indie darling and a nerd, loser… whatever all the time and he’d lose to guys like Jack Swagger and Del Rio)¬† all the time and now its the other way around. Just interesting to see how the times have changed.

To the match… Ziggler has the kind of Guns N Roses American Flag tights on. Miz catapults Ziggler to the outside but Ziggler lands on his feet and goes for a ladder, Miz hits him wih a baseball slide. Otunga has this weird thing where he says that The Miz has the atheliticsim of Justin Bieber. Its so stupid…. sure Miz doesn’t do a lot of high risk moves or anything but he is very athetlic and decent from a technical aspect. Its also stupid for Otunga, one of the lamest wrestlers ever, to bitch about someone being nonathletic.

Ziggler hits a pretty sick ddt onto the ladder. Ziggler grabs a huge ladder and sets it up….. Miz dropkicks Ziggler from behind. I took a piss and missed some cool shit but the ladder was set up in the ropes and Ziggler jumps off it and hits Miz with an elbow drop. Cool spot. Then he just RAMS him into the ladder. Ziggler climbs the ladder and almost has the belt but Miz pulls him off just to eat a clothesline. I’m sure Dana Brooke is happy….

Ziggler almost has the belt again but Miz pushes the ladder off and Ziggler eats the other ladder that was set up in the ropes. Pretty good match, suprised that Marayse hasn’t gotten involved yet. Miz sets Ziggler up in the corner and puts the ladder on him and does the Daniel Bryan kicks. Unathetlic my ass…. Ziggler throws the ladder onto Miz and both men are down. Both got hit so hard they thought it was 2009. Ziggler walked up to Miz and told him, “Hi, my name’s Dolph Ziggler.” Miz replied with, “Get out of my way chump, I’m 4-0 against Cena, I’m going places.”
Lame, I know but the point I was trying to make is that Ziggler and Miz were both in the midcard in 2009 and probably feuded for the ic or us titles and THEY’RE STILL IN THAT EXACT SAME POSITION SEVEN YEARS LATER!!!

Lame jokes aside The Miz fucks Zigglers leg up with the ladder and tries to climb up but Ziggler pushes Miz off the top and Miz tumbles to the outside. Dolph almost has it again of course (Ziggler’s not winning this) but Miz runs in and plants Dolph with a powerbomb on the ladder. And that prompts the first ever Miz chant I’ve ever heard. Miz and Ziggler both on top of the ladder slugging it out…. Miz gets knocked off. MARAYSE YOU ARE RIGHT THERE, DO SOMETHING JESUS!!! Never mind…. Miz jumps up and hits Ziggler twice in the balls… and grabs the title to retain.

4.0/5.0 Very good match, reminiscent of Razor/Shawn at Summerslam with the psychologhy on the leg of Ziggler. Good spots, good story and the ending makes sense with the characters. I didn’t really buy Marayse not getting involved though but that’s only a minor gripe. Actually a major gripe with the match, something that stopped this from getting a higher rating is that it was SO obvious that the Miz was going to retain. Ziggler has just looked like such a chump I didn’t buy him winning for a minute so there wasn’t a lot of suspense or tension.
Miz talks shit and gets cheap heat after the match.

4th Match: Baron Corbin vs Kalisto Chairs Match or the I Wish I had some kind of drugs other than Gabapentin and Zoloft so I didn’t have to watch this match Match

Smoke break babyyyy, L and M Reds are yummy.

Corbin puts Kalisto on the barricade and elbow him right in the head RIGHT IN FRONT OF A LITTLE KID WHO IS SMILING THE WHOLE TIME!!! One fucked up little kid, yo…

Hershey’s Cookies and Cream Pie is GREATTT!!!

Corbin sets up like six chairs all right next to each other. Kalisto comes back and rana’s Corbin into a chair and then Corbin does a seatend senton through the six chairs in a pretty cool spot. Corbin rolls to the outside, Kalisto jumps to the outside for a suicida or something but gets caught with a deep Six on the outside! Corbin rolls Kalisto inside but only gets two. Corbin’s pissed now and elbows the shit out of Kalisto. The way that they’re booking this, extremely one sided in Corbin’s favor, makes me think that Kalisto might win here. Kalisto dropkicks Corbin into the barricade…. I will say this, even if Kalisto loses this he’ll look pretty badass just going toe to toe with Corbin in a no dq match. Kalisto puts a chair on Corbin and hits him with a moonsault for a two! Kalisto whacks the shit out of Corbin with a chair and then sets up all the chairs in the ring face down next to each other.

Kalisto goes for… something off the top but runs right into a chair shot from Corbin. Corbin hits the end of days on the chairs for the win.

3.5/5.0 Surprising good, actually pretty brutal for the PG Era. I was getting into the story of Kalisto fighting against this big badass dude. This really did make Kalisto look cooler than any other match he’s been in in WWE as he just looked extremely tough and resilient but he wasn’t able to overcome Corbin. Again, a pretty good match that was surprisingly violent.

Advertisement for Royal Rumble 2017: Triple H won’t win this time… well probably not.

5th Match: Alexa Bliss vs Becky Lynch (C) for the Low Rent Women’s Championship

Bliss is looking sexy with her makeup and lipstick. Becky elbows Bliss in the face and pulls out a table… and Bliss hits her with a baseball slide WHICH IS THE EXACT SAME SPOT WE SAW IN THE ZIGGLER/MIZ MATCH!!! Lazy fucking match bookers.

Becky goes for a powerbomb but Bliss fights out…. inside the ring and Becky hits Bliss with a snap suplex. Becky sets up the table while I check out her ass… decent ass. Becky tries to suplex Bliss through the table but Bliss fights out….. Bliss stomps Becky in the corner. OH HELL YEAH STOMP A MUDHOLE IN HER!!!! BLISS 3:16 SAYS I JUST WATCHED SUICIDE SQUAD!!!!!

That booty on Bliss though…. Bliss tries to set up a table but Lynch jumps down, Bliss throws her into the steps. The crowd is clearly bored, chanting JBL and yelling AYE BABY at the women. Bliss sets the table up in the ring… Becky comes back with elbows until she eats a right hand from Bliss. Bliss sets Becky up on the table and goes to the top …. Becky catches her and goes for the superplex… Bliss fights off, damn the crowd is D-E-A-D for this match. Bliss sets the table up in the corner, Becky hits triangle and gets her comeback… crowd is kind of into Becky but just barely. Becky goes for her finisher but Bliss fights out, does that double knee thing that’s pretty cool. Bliss hits Becky with some of the FAKEST looking punches I’ve seen this side of Jeff Hardy.

Bliss gets out of something Becky was trying to do and DDT’s Becky on the table…. but it was face down so it didn’t break but it WAS pretty cool. Crowd is FINALLY getting into it with dual let’s go Becky and let’s go Bliss chants. Becky with the Disarmer and then a pump handle slam….

I kind of want to masturbate but I beat my dick up so much last night fucking my fleshlight all fucked up on Gabapentin. Aye, if you want to last a LONG time in bed do either heroin or gabapentin. Shit makes it so hard for you to cum. Blues might do the trick too.

AND OUT OF FUCKING NOWHERE BLISS PUTS BECKY THROUGH A TABLE WITH A POWERBOMB!!! Fucking…. SWEET! Glad they gave the title to Bliss, as I said above I think that Bliss is a lot more interesting than Becky personality wise and she can just do more with the title than Becky’s boring, face character.
3.0/5.0 Decent match but it was hard for them to get a good flow as the crowd was just completely dead but I do like the outcome of it. Should be cool seeing what Bliss can do with the title.

Some lame dude proposes to his gf who’s too hot for him in the middle of the ring. She says yes because the whole fucking thing wouldn’t have been filmed if she had said no. Natayla’s there for some reason.

Main Event: Dean Ambrose vs AJ FUCKING STYLES (C) for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
We recap Dean fucking with AJ by causing Ellsworth to beat him three times. AJ has enough and takes out Ambrose and then beats the living shit out of Ellsworth. Aye, you play with the big boys, you’re gonna get hurt. Dean’s mad that his bff Ellsworth got hurt.

THEY DON’T WANT NONE!!!! NO ONE ELSE IS MAN ENOUGH TO BRING THE PAIN!!!
Dean and AJ both get mixed reactions though the crowd seems more into AJ. Dean stomps AJ out in the corner, chops and a backdrop. Dean brings a chair and a ladder into the ring but AJ grabs the chair and hits the ladder Dean’s holding. Both men try climbing the ladder, both get cut off. Dean kicks the ladder into AJ’s face…. clothesline’s him to the outside. There’s weapons all over the place on the stage and Dean just bounces AJ’s face off of them. Dean suplexes AJ right on the grating.

Dean sets AJ up on a table and climbs up the ladder but AJ rolls off, they go into the crowd…. Dean puts a trash bin on AJ and elbows him on it! What the hell!?? Dean throws AJ back to the ringside area…. Dean comes off the barricade but eats a dropkick from AJ. AJ goes for an elbow onto Dean but Dean dodges and suplexes AJ onto the barricade balls first. And then Dean just charges at AJ with a chair! Dean climbs up the ladder for the title but AJ cuts him off… Styles slams Dean on the ladder and knees him in the face. Fans chant for AJ, AJ just kind of shrugs them off. AJ goes for a suplex onto the ladder but Dean reverses into a catapulat and THROWS the ladder onto AJ to the outside of the ring. Dean snorts some coke on the outside and grabs a table, starts setting it up in the ring but AJ back in and he WHACKS Dean in the back with a chair. Dean sells it pretty well too, acting as if he’s dying.

AJ with a sidewalk slam onto the chair on Ambrose. You want to know what’s weird about this? This match could have been a TNA ppv main event in like 2008. AJ tries to suplex Dean onto a bunch of set up chairs but Dean revereses and SLAMS AJ into the chairs in a pretty cool spot. Then in a bit of a homage to Foley, Dean does an elbow drop off the top rope while holding the chair. Dean throws AJ through a fucking table leg… I’m assuming that was a botch. AJ comes back and suplexes Dean through the table. Both guys go for their finishers, Dean sends AJ to the outside, suicida and Dean sets AJ up on the commentary table. Dean puts a ladder onto the next commentary table (!?) and……………………………. PUTS AJ THROUGH THE TABLE! Fucking cool spot! AJ is now dead and Dean’s setting up a ladder…. he’s climbing but AJ runs in AND HITS DEAN WITH THE APRON ELBOW!!! Fucking sweet! Both guys on top of the ladder…. yays for AJ, boo’s for Dean, both fall off. AJ goes for the Styles Clash but Dean’s like I’m not taking that shit and airplane spins AJ face first into the ladder! AJ catches Dean in a powerbomb but Ambrose reverses into a rana to the outside. Both men outside….

AJ with a beatiful moonsault into a reverse DDT on the outside! Another cool spot.You know what this match needs? Blood… lots and lots of blood. AJ sets Dean up on a table and does a 450 splash, from the inside of the ring to the outside!!! How does AJ do shit like that!??? LOUD AJ Styles chant that JBL tries to say is a This is Awesome chant. Bullshit. AJ has the match won (probably) and then fucking Ellsworth comes out!!! AJ’s like fuck this guy, kicks him and is about to Styles Clash him on the steps… and Dean makes the obvious save. Dirty Deeds on the steps…. oh God. Fuck…. fuck….. HORSESHIT!!!!!¬† OH THANK GOD STYLES IS BACK IN THE RING!!!! Both guys on top of the ladder…. Dean punches AJ off, has the match won…. AND ELSWORTH PUSHES DEAN OFF THE LADDER THROUGH TWO TABLES!!! GOD DAMMIT CHRIS YOU WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!!! AJ grabs the title and wins….. ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

4.5/5.0 Great, great match until Elsworth got involved. One of the best TLC’s ever with both guys being even and both willing to do crazy shit to win… and then it turned into an angle advancement match. I don’t know…. just fucking odd.

Final Thoughts: Decent show but the only two matches that are really must see are Miz/Ziggler and Styles/Ambrose. Bliss winning the Womens Championship is extremely cool as well as The Wyatts winning the tag titles but neither of the matches were that good. I’m still just kind of hungover from the whole Ellsworth angle… are they going to say that AJ and Ellsworth were in on it the whole time together? We still have no idea who’s going to feud with AJ. The storytelling is interesting but it almost seems like an advertisement for Smackdown and Styles/Ambrose ends tonight with a question mark instead of a period. I think that AJ needed a legit win over Ambrose but I guess they wanted to go with that Ellsworth angle. Anyway, decent show but not all of the matches lived up the hype making this a two match show.

Watching Talking Smack, Ellsworth isn’t working with AJ, he’s just insane and feels he can beat AJ and is getting a shot on Smackdown.