So, I was thinking earlier this week that it’s been too long since I’ve done a themed review. Like the drinking ones, the comics or that Enid Blyton one. And seeing as how I used to be an English Literature student, and seeing how any British English Lit student can either study Shakespeare or get the shit kicked out of them by professors and academics, I decided that this week would take on a very specific theme indeed.
Welcome to Shakespeare.
ACT ONE, SCENE ONE: PROLOGUE
Enter DANIEL BRYAN.
Bryan
Two wrestlers, both on SmackDown Live,
In fair Baton Rouge, where we lay our show,
From ancient feud make a new programme thrive,
And on the IC belt some interest bestow.
The Wyatt Family wants their titles back,
After their loss to AA two weeks ago,
But Orton might now start his attack,
And turn on the Wyatts to deliver an RKO.
Dolph Ziggler also might be turning heel,
After loss after loss has driven him to rage,
Was it frustration, or was it really real
Is now the hour and a bit plus commercials’ traffic of our stage;
The which if you with patient ears attend,
What here shall miss, our toil shall strive to mend.
Exit BRYAN.
ACT ONE, SCENE TWO: AMBROSE ASYLUM
Enter DEAN AMBROSE, with Intercontinental Championship.
JBL
See, Ambrose approaches. He lacks, I say,
The composure and face to hold that belt,
This is truly a cursed and rotten day,
My sorrow at this sight is most heartfelt.
Dean
This is my show, where I shall interview,
Someone whom I wish to provoke,
Which is the kind of thing I usually do,
All that remains is to choose a man to poke.
I am also entering the Royal Rumble,
For me, one belt is just not sufficient,
Unlike Roman Reigns, I will not fumble,
I’ll hold both belts, being so proficient.
Enter MIZ and MARYSE.
Miz
Each day that title belt is on your shoulder,
Its respect and esteem grows greatly less,
And, if you like, I will be yet bolder,
I will enter the Rumble, and prove to be the best.
But first, I demand my title be handed back,
Which you unfairly and unjustly took from me,
After my love Maryse’s base attack,
Which rendered moot the ref’s count of three.
Dean
I am a just man, and shall hand it over.
DEAN passes MIZ a participation award.
Dean
I hope this shall please you and your lover.
Miz
Zounds!
MIZ attacks DEAN. Missstep between MIZ and MARYSE, and DEAN triumphs.
Exit DEAN.
ACT ONE, SCENE THREE: THE BACKSTAGE AREA
Enter NIKKI BELLA.
Enter NATALYA, attacking NIKKI.
Natalya
With this, the balance is now in my favour,
And our contest I will doubly savour.
Exit NATALYA.
Nikki
Fuck, my leg.
ACT TWO, SCENE ONE: A WRESTLING RING
Enter NATALYA, then enter NIKKI, who attacks NATALYA.
Mauro
See this viciousness! See the fury!
JBL
See Natalya employ the Sharpshooter!
Otunga
The rest is silence.
NATALYA triumphs. Exit NATALYA.
(Also, fuck WWE for not giving me an opportunity to use the stage direction “Exit, Pursued by a Bella).
ACT TWO, SCENE TWO: AN INTERVIEW
Enter NOT-RENEE and DOLPH ZIGGLER.
Not-Renee
Hail Ziggler.
Dolph
Hail.
Not-Renee
I was just now lost in thought,
Meditating upon your violent deeds.
Do not you think you ought,
Explain them before you proceed?
Exit DOLPH.
Not-Renee
Then why would you request this interview?
I hope Kalisto beats some manners into you.
ACT TWO, SCENE THREE: A WRESTLING RING
Enter KALISTO and DOLPH.
Mauro
I say again that Dolph is changed.
JBL
Perhaps now he will prevail over his foes.
Mauro
Let us not indulge in fantasy.
DOLPH and KALISTO wrestle.
Otunga
He uses technical proficiency,
To thwart the speed of his enemy.
JBL
Dolph has the love of the crowd.
Mauro
Beware the cries of smarks.
KALISTO wins.
JBL
But wait! See Kalisto surprise his foe,
And turn defeat into a victory!
Otunga
And now see Ziggler lay him low,
For daring to look better than he.
DOLPH savages KALISTO with a chair.
Enter APOLLO CREWS.
Mauro
But gallant Apollo is here to save his friend!
DOLPH hits APOLLO with the chair.
Mauro
That was not how I assumed this would end.
Exit DOLPH.
ACT TWO, SCENE FOUR: A LOCKER ROOM
Enter AMERICAN ALPHA and NOT-RENEE.
Not-Renee
Are you prepared, you men,
For the Wyatt Family’s revenge,
As they seek to beat you once again,
And their past loss now avenge?
Gable
I am.
Jordan
As am I.
Not-Renee
Super.
ACT THREE, SCENE ONE: ANOTHER INTERVIEW
Enter RENEE and JOHN CENA
Renee
John, what are your thoughts on Baron Corbin?
Whose name is difficult to frame in verse.
Cena
Baron Corbin is a brute force,
And I know well his dreadful might,
But I know too that I am much worse,
And so will triumph over him this night.
AJ Styles has dubbed me ‘has been’,
Yet when we meet I will make true his fear,
And he shall see and know, to his chagrin,
That verily, Renee, the Champ is here.
Exit CENA.
Renee
(To self)
Door bin, daub in, absorb in…
ACT THREE, SCENE TWO: A BLASTED HEATH
Enter WYATT FAMILY.
Wyatt Family
Hubble bubble, toil and trouble,
Fire burn and cauldron bubble.
Bray
Chad and Gable, you may be great,
But still before tomorrow’s date,
Those titles shall be ours again,
For we are mighty and arcane.
Randy
(Aside)
For so long, I have waited to strike,
Against Bray, whose downfall lies ahead,
He thinks the two of us both so alike,
Yet I shall punt such notions from his head.
Exit WYATT FAMILY.
ACT THREE, SCENE THREE: A WRESTLING RING
Enter WYATT FAMILY.
Mauro
See the fireflies hanging in the air,
Lighting the way for these figures of despair.
JBL
Those are cellphones, Mauro, so have a care,
Else I shall block you on Twitter, I swear.
Enter AMERICAN ALPHA.
Jordan
We do not fear these fireflies’ light,
Nor do we shrink from this ghostly fable,
All we desire is the chance, as men, to fight,
And you shall find us Ready, Willing, and Gable.
They fight.
JBL
I fear that the premiership of American Alpha will be short.
Mauro
The Wyatts are forbidding in aspect, yet skill is all that matters.
JBL
If you would have skill, then look no further than at Orton.
Mauro
‘Tis so, but I would not wager a penny yet on this bout.
Gable
You fight like a dairy farmer.
Orton
How appropriate; you fight like a cow.
Mauro
See the strength of Jason Jordan! No man will stand before him.
Otunga
If the Wyatts indeed be men. See, he falls from the ring!
JBL
If he does not reach his friend, then he is defeated already.
Otunga
And so he has! Gable enters the fray, and has turned the tide!
JBL
He fights two men! Jordan returns, and is thrown from the ring again!
Mauro
But look you: a misstep! Orton has thrown Gable into Luke Harper!
Harper
You dick.
Orton
You’re the dick.
GABLE rolls up a distracted ORTON. AMERICAN ALPHA win.
Gable
We prevail!
ORTON and HARPER are separated by BRAY.
HARPER accidentally superkicks BRAY.
Orton
(Aside)
Unexpected, yet beneficial to me.
Bray
It is decided, and decided quick,
That you are both complete and utter dicks.
Orton
(Aside)
He knows not yet the magnitude of my dickishness.
Exeunt.
ACT FOUR, SCENE ONE: THE BACKSTAGE AREA
BECKY LYNCH and DANIEL BRYAN are backstage.
Becky
That imp Alexa tried to deceive me,
With some dark magic or other deception,
Yet I saw through her mischief and trickery,
And the Women’s Championship is still my intention.
Bryan
I am still concerned with the identity,
Of this woman who veils her hair and face,
Surely, she must be grim and far from pretty,
If her actions are so demonstrably base.
Enter ALEXA BLISS.
Alexa
I hear that Becky wants another shot,
At this Women’s Championship I wear,
But I say she should absolutely not,
Such a course of action would be most unfair.
Bryan
Yet Becky did defeat you, and we all saw how,
So, it is decided that there will be a bout,
Between the two of you one week from now,
With a cage around the ring, granting no way in or out.
Alexa
Bitch, didst thou just?
ALEXA exit stage left.
ACT FOUR, SCENE TWO: A WRESTLING RING
Enter CARMELLA and JAMES ELLSWORTH.
Carmella
Beauty or brains means nothing to me,
As you can see by this chinless berk,
All I want is for Ellsworth to be happy,
Though winning matches is certainly a perk.
Mauro
The Princess of Staten Island is here,
To pit her skill against an unknown rival,
One must wonder whether Ellsworth will interfere,
And aid Carmella in her survival.
JBL
Ellsworth is a freak of nature,
Lacking the physiology of man,
I, for one, am proud to be a hater,
Would that this ogre return to his clan.
They fight, and CARMELLA wins due to interference.
Also, props to WWE for, even during the Women’s Revolution, putting on TV a woman they can mock for her appearance.
ACT FOUR, SCENE THREE: THE BACKSTAGE AREA
CARMELLA and ELLSWORTH are backstage.
Carmella
Want to go shopping next week?
Ellsworth
Sure.
ACT FIVE, SCENE ONE: THE BACKSTAGE AREA
Enter BARON CORBIN and NOT-RENEE.
Not-Renee
So what say you now, Baron Corbin,
Of the compliments John Cena has paid you?
Now that they have had time to…absorb…in…
You know, you have a frustrating name for rhyming, don’t you?
Corbin
I care nothing for the nature of my name,
Nor for anything that John Cena might have said,
He should never have returned, and so he takes the blame,
When the bell is finally rung, and he is dead.
Enter AJ STYLES.
AJ
Hail, Corbin. I wanted to let you know,
That I shall be on commentary during your bout,
I hope that I might enjoy a violent show,
And watch as you knock that punk bitch Cena out.
Exit AJ.
ACT FIVE, SCENE TWO: A WRESTLING RING
Enter AJ.
AJ
And so, once more, the people shall enjoy my dulcet tones,
As I narrate the fall of John Cena at the hands of Baron Corbin,
Who is in so foul a mood that there will be nothing left but bones,
Such destruction will be seen that has never heretofore been.
JBL
Did you just find a viable rhyme for “Corbin”?
Enter CORBIN and CENA.
Mauro
See Baron there, winner of the Andre the Giant Battle Royal.
AJ
And what has he done since then? Those laurels begin to spoil.
JBL
And here is Cena, who will probably win.
AJ
(Aside)
Unless someone were to stick their nose in.
JBL
You just said that into the microphone.
AJ
Fuck.
CENA and CORBIN fight.
AJ
Against Baron Corbin, nobody can hope to stand!
Mauro
It’s almost like you’ve never watched a John Cena fight.
AJ
Cena is trapped in a bearhug! Surely this must be the end.
Mauro
Seriously, where were you from 2005 to this night?
JBL
Tornado DDT from John Cena! Look at him go!
Mauro
See, he begins the Five Moves of Doom!
Otunga
Attitude Adjustment! All hail the status quo!
AJ
Why don’t you and Cena’s winning streak all get a room?
CENA wins.
Exeunt.
Curtain down.
