Impact Wrestling 3/9/17 Recap – Alberto Vs. Lashley Headlines The Reboot

The new show intro focuses on TNA’s past and of course includes AJ Styles and Jeff Jarrett. The show itself starts off with a brawl between the Wolves and Josh runs through three years of storylines in 20 seconds. They tease some big bumps and shove Impact officials. More brawling and it gets broken up. Holy crap that was horrible. Josh and Pope chat while Josh cuts off Pope and asks WHY IS THERE A THIRD HEADSET and THIS ISN’T SMACKDOWN WHERE THEY HAVE 47 ANNOUNCERS. Okay, that was funny – might be Josh’s best line ever. JB comes out and Josh bitches about JB having a video wall.

Josh tells JB that he doesn’t deserve to be on Impact as a commentator and JB points out that Josh has been hated and Josh deals with this by focusing on his phone. Well, this is a trainwreck – but it’s amusing. JB talks about Tenay being his mentor and Josh running him out and Josh says “THIS IS MY CHAIR!” and JB points out that Josh was fired from WWE and idiots hired him. JB calls him a Ken doll with no balls and JB says a new team is hitting the scene.

Cody calls out Moose, with no transition or anything. DCC comes out. This show needs Ritalin. Reno Scum comes out and Josh wonders who they are. They don’t get names and Josh buries their look. Josh calls them the Headbangers and the guy with the mohawk is Adam while Luster is bald. Bald runs Kingston into Mohawk and JB and Josh bicker about Mike Tenay for a while and Josh tells him to use his hankie to wipe away the tears, so JB tells him to wipe his ass with it. A double stomp variant double team curb stomp wins for Reno Scum, who came off fairly well.

Josh hypes up the Spike UK deal and the DCC leaves after bickering. We get a Braxton-LVN wedding recap. McKenzie Mitchell chats with Sienna about Maria leaving due to a mental breakdown – which McKenzie says was a contract issue. Okay, so now they’re giving you both the on-air and real-life reasons for talent leaving, which is just bizarre. Braxton and Allie come down for a fatal four way X division match. Caleb Conley hits a Saito suplex on Braxton. Allie dives on Rockett and Josh logically points out that this isn’t allowed. Braxton gets the win and Josh rightfully points out that he really stole it. “THIS IS ATROCIOUS!” Well, Josh is right. LVN comes out with smeared lipstick, the wedding dress, and some champagne. This is a great gimmick.

We get lost footage of the Hardys fighting animals, which we’ll see more of later. Sienna faces Rachel Ellering in a match that is really just a backdrop for the announcer able. Josh brags about calling matches in WWE, knowing how to speak to a global audience and how IMPACT GAINS NEW VIEWERS EVERY SECOND. He’s tired of amateur hour and says no one cares about the names of moves. Bruce Prichard comes out in purple shoes and blames prior ownership for Impact failing and TNA IS DEAD – it will be Impact Wrestling, so like it’s been for ages. Bruce brags about smelling what the Rock was cooking before anyone else, and how he could see Cena before anyone couldn’t see him. He brags about Lashley and Lashley says he was the CHOICE OF OUR PRESIDENT TO DEFEND HIM.

Alberto comes out to Mexican restaurant music and says that Bobby hasn’t beaten him. EC3 comes out and wants a shot – instead, it’ll be Alberto vs. Lashley for the title tonight. JB talks about a legend being on Impact soon who has never been in TNA before. Eddie and McKenzie chat before Angelina says it was all about the Lone Wolf before slapping the shit out of Eddie, who says that Davey’s wife hits harder than he does. Cody bickers and demands Moose again before being taken away by security again.

Lashley says he’ll make Impact greater by beating more people. Dutch Mantell comes out and says he’s been in wrestling for over 40 years, he’s ridden a million miles, flown a million miles and been all over the world. Dutch blames TNA’s failures in the past on bad management and says his role is to give advice. He says that WE THE PEOPLE WILL MAKE IMPACT GREAT. We see the Hardys fight animals, teleport, and then the titles return to the Impact Zone where Decay grabs them. Rosemary brags about deleting the Broken Hardys and Crazzy Steve calls them old.

JB brags about Slammiversary XV happening in July – and it’s a solid logo. Alberto comes out to his horrible theme and Lashley dominates for a bit before Alberto comes back and JB talks about how Alberto is a president of an MMA company. Lashley avoids the double stomp and Alberto gets the armbar, but he powers out and spinebusters him for 2. Lashley goes for the spear, but a eats a superkick and belt shots him to win the title. EC3 comes down and claps while Alberto does his victory celebration in front of a few hundred bored fans. Everything about this show was bad on some level – but it was at least an all-time bad show the likes of which TNA hasn’t had since the Christmas episode of 2007.

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