WWE Raw Recap 3/13/17

Recap of Goldberg-Owens starts things off. It leads to a rundown of the Lesnar vs. Goldberg stuff from Raw, complete with clips of each man kicking tons of ass. This just needs to be the go-home promo video – they can do nothing else and they’d have done all they need to for this match. A huge suplex city chant breaks out before Heyman falls to his knees describing what Brock did to Goldberg last week. Heyman is in the zone tonight – great stuff so far. WWE is spending tens of thousands of dollars for Brock to stand around and hop. God bless Brock. Paul tells the fans to pay attention to Brock’s advocate and shut up with the Goldberg chants. Paul is getting over a thumbs down along with DOWN GOES GOLDBERG! He puts over the F5 as the greatest finisher ever – and while it did end the Streak, it took three of them. Heyman tells the tale of Brock’s title win being a story of resurrection.

Mick and Steph chat a bit. He tells her that he was belittled, and she says it was just the passion of the moment. Stephanie…kind of apologizing here? No, it’s all Mick’s fault for taking it personally. That’s it. Stephanie talks about trying tough love and Mick says that doesn’t work for him – so he enjoys a pat on the back. Stephanie tells Mick tonight, he has to fire one person tonight. So Sami gets fired before WM to go to SD? Stephanie talks about making a better product – and I know the thing that makes Raw better for me is to hear Stephanie talking endlessly.

Sasha comes out to face Dana Brooke, with Bayley by her side. Dana loses via O’Connor roll fairly quickly. Dana looks like a CAW done with the randomizer. Charlotte talks her down and Dana fires back. Charlotte gets sent packing and the fans chant “Dana” for a bit. Well, that was a lot packed into a few minutes. So of course, after a friendship ended, let’s throw to a sappy Warrior Award video. Eric LeGrand’s story is told and it’s an inspirational one to be sure. “The doctors don’t know everything” – reminds me of Dave Meltzer talking about Warrior having triceps surgery and working out the next day just to defy what they said. They could really do this exact same thing for Jesse Sorenson and tie it into their own industry if they wanted, while also making an instant star in the process.

TJP comes out to set up the 205 Live fatal five way match for a shot at WM. Tonight, he teams with Akira Tozawa against Kendrick and Nese. Tony Nese’s tron is literally just a weight set with his name. Reminds me of Helms’s sunglasses tron. Babyfaces run wild and a double dive leads to a break AS RAW ROLLS ON! Nese uses the ring skirt to clubber. A long bodyscissors spot…here in the CRUISERWEIGHT MATCH.  TJP flies in with a DDT off the top for 2. Nese pins TJP with a schoolboy holding the tights.

The tag title situation is recapped and we get Charly chatting with The Club. Luke is incredibly tan here. KO comes out in a KOMania 2 shirt. They’ve got money in doing those every year using past logos. He’s got a tag match with Joe against Sami and Jericho, but first, a promo. Kevin Owens cuts a dramatic promo about ending a friendship, and then throws to a well-produced video package in the middle of his emotional speech…as ya do. He rambles on for a bit before Joe comes down. Logically, why wouldn’t Jericho just kick his ass instead of waiting patiently?

Joe and Jericho start things off with elbows and forearms. Sami tags in and eats corner shots. Nasty senton hits . Superkick from Owens sends Jericho off the apron. Tope con hilo to the heels on the floor by Sami. KO clips the knee and Joe and Owens stomp away. Ref DQs them and Joe and Owens double team Jericho. We get more with Steph and Mick and she tells him to fire Sami. He says no and that he’ll pick someone. Nia wants justice for destroying Sasha and Steph tells her that she deserves to be in the spotlight – she’ll face Bayley.

They hype up Bring it to the Table on the Network and Corey’s interview with Kurt Angle. Mick and Jinder chat about Jinder’s job and Mick tells him his job is safe…but he has to face Roman tonight. New Day chats for a while in an annoying manner while plugging the WWE/Jetsons movie. Woods sing’s Show’s theme before saying the show is New Day Talks. This is all very annoying and now Titus has his damn whistle. Titus LOVES THE JETSONS and…I guess hates Big Show because he’s a heel in the movie?

Cass and Enzo come out and show off the cup for a “cuppa haters”. Sheamus and Cesro aren’t amuses and beat the daylights out of them before an ad break. During the break, we see Sheamus do the Finlay roll before a Cesaro double stomp – nice combo move there. The champs come down and attack Cass and Sheamus because I guess they think that will prevent a tag title match. So it’ll be a triple threat. Magic Killer to Cesaro.

Recap of Braun’s deal last week leading to the Taker-Roman confrontation. Roman bounces around backstage to ready himself for the match with Jinder. Mick tells The Club that he’s tempted to fire them – but instead, he’ll put them in a triple threat match at WM. Taker’s dong sounds, or as Cole calls it – THAT DONG IS THE CALLING CARD OF THE DEADMAN! Jinder hits a kick, but eats a pair of Superman punches to end it.

HBK comes out and gets a huge ovation. He tells him that Taker is already renting space in Roman’s head, so Roman is a complete dickhead and denies it and is a dick to HBK. He says that Taker retired HBK and that he’ll retire the Undertaker. Cole says “he believes in himself!”. No, he’s an asshole. Braun attacks Roman to a nice applause. Roman took an awesome bump for this off the ramp and into the barricade between the ramp. Stephanie bitches at Mick about not already deciding who he’s fired, while Mick says he needs to put thought in it. Steph tells Mick he has an hour to make the decision or she’ll make it for him.

Aries recap from Raw last week leads to a showcase of his 205 Live debut against Nese. Aries has traded in his cape for a wacky feathery jacket. Aries faces Ariya Daivari here. Daivari goes for the eye, but Aries recovers and hits the snap suicide dive to the floor. Running roaring elbow hits and ends it – I love that as a finish. It’s better to look at than the Last Chancery.

Emma coming soon video package shows off her ass and intensity. Show-Titus ends after a series of chokeslams. Women’s history month video on Billie Jean King. Sasha tells Bayley to not listen to “the haters”. Recap of the Jericho beatdown from earlier leads to Jericho saying he’ll get the Revenge of Jericho and pay him back, man! Jericho says that next week, he’ll have the real Kevin Owens on the Highlight Reel. Jericho calls Mike Rome Tom Phillips, who corrects him. I love Jericho finding the announcing humans completely interchangeable. This puts him on THE LIST.

They talk about how Bayley’s lifelong dream was to go into WrestleMania as Raw Women’s Champion. What an oddly-specific dream to have – especially since the Raw Women’s Title wasn’t a thing until the brand split. Nia hits a Ron Simmons-esque spinebuster before doing the backbreaker stretch. Nia misses a charge and gets her knee caught in the rope. Bayley gets the edge by kicking Nia right in the ass. Nia traps her in the corner and gets DQed for kicking too much ass.  Mick walks nervously backstage.

They hype up the Highlight Reel. I’m predicting a lot of Photoshop comedy next week during the Highlight Reel. Braun bulldozing Roman is recapped and he’ll face Roman next week. Stephanie is mid-ring and recaps the storyline for the evening. Mick struggles to get to the ring due to his bad hip, so Steph tells him that he’s being nimble now. Mick says that he likes this tough assignment because it will make him a better GM and it will make Raw better too. He chooses to fire her and a giant Yes chant breaks out. Steph says she can’t be fired and she’s here to remind you of how she is above everyone. He cites her lying to him six months ago when HHH gave Owens the Universal Title and she’s a good liar and HHH isn’t a creator of anything but his own personal army. HERE COMES HHH TO RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-RE-BURY FOLEY!

HHH tells him that he would break his leg off on the hip that needs to be replaced, but he doesn’t want a lawsuit. HHH says that he works hard to create the future so he doesn’t have to look at pathetic has-beens like Mick. HHH rambles for a bit and gets a CM Punk chant before HHH talks about Steph being as big a businessperson as Vince was. Mick says that he may seem pathetic to HHH, but to himself, he likes what he sees because he’s proud of who he is. And now we’ve got them burying Mick’s own kids. Reminds me of the Do It For Her bit from The Siimpsons.


This is so disrespectful to someone who has sacrificed so much not only for wrestling, but for this company. Don’t break your back or your body for any company – they won’t appreciate it and you’ll pay the price in the long run. Stephanie tells everyone to show respect to your bosses for giving you a chance. Mick locks on a mandible claw to HHH before getting low blowed by Steph. They tease a bigger beating, but Seth hobbles down with a crutch to save Mick. Seth throws the crutch down and rushes the ring – well, this needed heat and it got it. Seth superkicks him and calf kicks him to the floor to a huge “Rollins” chant. Seth is coming off like a bigger star here than he has since his return – good stuff. HHH comes in with the crutch, but he eats some punches. HHH takes the knee out with a crutch. HHH looks like a God of War reboot-era version of Kratos with the big beard. HHH locks on an inverted figure four before refs pull him off.

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